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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How much did your Mum 'help' you with puberty?

96 replies

inforapennyinforapound · 17/05/2014 22:37

Just had my Mum here for a week and been reflecting on how I think my parenting to my 2 dds differs from her parenting of me and my DB.

I've been thinking through a few things that I realise now my Mum never ever spoke to me about and trying to work out how much of it may be generataional.

I'm 35 and my Mum is 65. When I was growing up she never, ever spoke to me about puberty, didn't explain periods to me or ask me if I'd started them, never took me to a shop to be fitted for a bra (I think I grew up stealing her bras?!) Never ever told me about the facts of life (though did consent to me being taught about it in school).

When I was about 15 had a brief dalliance with bulimia which she found out about (can't remember how, I certainly didn't tell her) and she told me off then never, ever spoke to me about it ever again.

Just extremely uptight about everything to do with being a teenage girl, basically.

I always assumed it was normal, but my DDs are only 6 and 3 and I realise already how much more open I am already about this stuff I am with them than she was with me.

If you're a similar age - was this just how it was in the 80s? Or is it my mother?!

Is all that normal, to be so 'uptight' about

OP posts:
RubbishMantra · 18/05/2014 18:43

Also, even though sex was rarely discussed, I remember my mum telling me as a teenager that my dad was impotent Shock but she didn't really mind as sex was revolting.Shock Shock

When she found a packet of contraceptive pills in my room at the age of 17, I was sent to a counsellor...

Thepaintedveil · 18/05/2014 19:28

My mum made a big show of being open but in reality dealt with puberty very badly imo. I started my periods when I was 11 and my mum was pregnant at the time and having a very tough time with my abusive stepdad.

She told my gp's-even though I begged her not to-and after the first month never bought/mentioned sanitary towels again. I spent the first 3 years using toilet roll and I suffered from horrendously painful,heavy periods too. My gran found soiled underwear and told my mum but she still did'nt think to buy me sanitary towels.

With regards to sex-she always made it clear that she did not mind if I was sexually active as long as I did'nt get pregnant-she was a youngish mum. I went on the pill when I was 15 which looking back was too young and led to me being involved in relationships not because I wanted to but because I thought I should.

I had thought I was much more open with my dcs but after a chat with dc1 a few weeks ago-who assured me that they had,had the "sex" talk at school-I realised they don't know as much as I thought so have been filling them in.

DIYtrainee · 18/05/2014 20:52

Oh Gawd, my mum actually led a protest group AGAINST sex ed at my brother and sister's school! (Much older than me)

The teachers gave my sister the choice of joining in or not though. She joined!!!!

She taught me NOTHING at all. My schoolfriend had been told by her mum so she passed on some things. Everything else came from teenage magazines - Dolly (in Australia) was quite informative.

Having heard all about what she had got up to before I refused to tell her ANYTHING that we were learning at school about sex ed in case she marched into MY school!!!! Fortunately they didn't ask for permission from our parents.

She was absolutely horrified when she found out I was using tampons, apparently I wasn't a virgin anymore because I used them.... Hmm

GnomeDePlume · 18/05/2014 20:58

From my DM (I'm late 40s she is mid 70s) I learnt that periods are shameful things to be hidden away from all men. In fact periods arent to be talked about at all.

I have had enormous problems with my periods ultimately resulting in DVT. I havent talked about this with DM. I couldnt.

This thread reminds me that I need to get DD2 properly fitted for a bra. We are lucky to have a factory shop nearby with properly trained staff. It's a factory shop so Rigby & Peller it aint but the staff are excellent.

jayho · 18/05/2014 21:06

My mother never talked about anything. I went to boarding school so know about periods and stuff from other girls, mine started at 14, quite late but I hadn't realised it would be blood!!!

Scared me silly, my school was v sporty and I was in a swimming gala the day I started so have very clear memory of classmate talking me through how to usse a tamplo from the adjoining toilet cubicle....

I'm 50 now, my mother finally (after years of denying its existance) admitted that she went through the menopause at 56, that'll explain why me and big sis are still on 28 day cycles and I had my last tow, easily, at 40 and 45.

It'sbeena big deal, I feel like she keeps my history from me.

Rowgtfc72 · 18/05/2014 21:18

I was left with the relevant pages in the medical book, no discussion. Also handed a bag containing a yellow belt and looped towels and special knickers with a plastic crotch for easy washing. I was ten.
Sex was never ever discussed.
Haven't had the chat yet with Dd as she's seven but have answered anything she has asked about periods, babies and differences.

MysticMugBug · 18/05/2014 21:22

sounds like my mum, op

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 18/05/2014 21:32

I'm in my thirties.

Mother didn't tell me about periods, sex, boyfriends....anything!

I didn't tell her I had a boyfriend until he proposed and even then she refused to even look at the ring and we didn't talk about it again.

I'm now divorced and have a boyfriend, but won't tell her because it is such an awkward topic. Confused

inforapennyinforapound · 18/05/2014 22:13

Wow, thanks for all the responses! It's comforting to realise my Mum wasn't the only weirdo Grin

Have just remembered a Drs appt I had at about age 14 (she used to bloody insist on coming in with me every time).

The Dr asked me if I'd started my periods and my Mum's head swivelled round like something out of the Exorcist to stare at me while I answered him.

I just remember thinking FFS woman, if you're that bloody interested why didn't you just ask yourself?!

She is still weirdly prudish about bodies and tries to pull her shit with my DDs (who are still only very little) if they're ever naked around her in my house. She gets bloody short shrift for that!

OP posts:
PennyTheProcrastinator · 18/05/2014 22:25

Nothing at all from my mother, a mother of 8, and not a catholic either!

I stuffed toilet roll in my knickers when I had my first period at 11 and washed them out in the sink. This lasted a few months as I was terrified to tell my mother I had started Hmm.

Measured for a bra - you have got to be joking. I was given older sister's cast offs. Way too big for my 'fried eggs'.

Any sexual/bodily functions were found out about from schoolfriends.

Got my first boyfriend secretly at 17 and was immediately banned from seeing him Hmm so I ran away with him for a week! This was plastered all over the local paper and used to validate what a 'nasty bitch' I was for years.

DD was given a book and told all about periods at the beginning of Yr 6 and had them ready in her school bag with a spare pair of pants and in her knicker drawer. She did actually start shortly afterwards while at school. I went out and bought her flowers and a box of chocolates as a little celebration of her 'womanhood'! She was delighted with that.

Bra measuring - at around 12. I had to force her into one as she insisted on wearing crop tops.

We have talked about sex at great length. She used to be always coming home from school telling me her friends had done stuff and asking me about it, some of it I would have preferred not to know! She has yet to have a proper boyfriend (age 17) as I have drummed it into her to respect herself and not to be giving it up willy nilly! I will be very happy for her to get one though and excited for her.

I am very proud to have not been like my mother I can tell you.

Fontella · 18/05/2014 22:26

I was about 13/14ish, a bit of a tomboy and I was sat there one day while my mum was ironing my school uniform for school speech day. Out of the blue she said 'we need to have a talk about the birds and the bees ...' and I replied 'it's ok mum I know it all already'

'Thank gawd for that' she said and carried on ironing.

AdoraBell · 18/05/2014 22:39

The only thing my mother told me was to be careful having sex leading up to my period because that is when I would get pregnant. This was when I was17, having left home and moved in with a boyfriend at 16. I was lucky to have older sisters, they helped me through puberty.

DH learned about sex when he got married in his mid 20's. Then in his late 30's he met me and I assured him that all those things his body started doing at age thirteen happened to all teenaged boys and didn't make him a bad person.

AdoraBell · 18/05/2014 22:47

Pressed post too soon.

I was sent to the shops alone with instructions to get myself measured for a bra and buy one when I was 11.

Am now 46 and have still never been more embarrassed than that day. My DDs lead all our conversations about their bodies, sex, relationships and I answer all their questions honestly and in full with age appropriate language.

GinUtero · 18/05/2014 23:15

OP, like you I'm 35 and my mum is 65.

My earliest memory of talking to my mum about sex was when I was 4 and I said, "Mummy, why does Elliott (the boy next door) have a tail and I don't?" (We'd been in the paddling pool together) She responded: "Because boys have XY chromosomes and girls have XX." (??!)

A couple of years later an explanation followed about how babies were made which involved the man and the woman taking their clothes off and the man passing a seed to the woman. I envisaged them standing on opposite sides of the room and the man squeezing his penis until an apple pip popped out. He then passed it hastily to the woman, who put it inside her, before its magical powers depleted. I remember thinking: I'm never going to be able to make a baby, there's NO WAY I'm taking my clothes off in front of a man!

When I was 10, I recall coming home from school and saying: "Mum, you never told me people did baby-making for FUN as well." She said "who told you that?!" and she was mortified.

She then gave me an Usborne guide to growing up (like others on this thread), which explained about pubic hair, etc, but this didn't make me any less embarrassed when I started growing some myself - I was an early developer and used to painstakingly tweeze every hair from my armpits and groin because I didn't want to be different from the other girls in my class.

Shortly after that the school nurse came to talk to us about periods - she passed round a sanitary towel, and talked about menstruation, which I got confused with masturbation and thought was terribly rude. In my first year in secondary school I started my period and approached my mum. She gave me a tampon, but I followed the nurse's instructions and just put it in my knickers like I would the sanitary towel and of course it didn't work, I was so confused. I eventually found out where I was going wrong through Just 17 magazine.

I got my first serious boyfriend when i was 14. He was 16, but he was a devout Christian, so we were together for at least a year before sex was on the agenda. I remember deliberating in my diary about whether we should "do it." Of course, my mum read it and went ballistic and phoned the boy's parents, because I was still only 15. I was promptly grounded and I hated my mum for invading my privacy...I did finally lose my virginity to the same boy when I was 16, but neither of us knew where to get our hands on any protection, so I subsequently spent a very anxious 24 hours traipsing around family planning clinics until I could find someone who was willing to give me the morning after pill. We split up shortly after that, because "might I be pregnant, what have I done?" played so heavily on my mind, it overshadowed everything.

I wish I had been able to talk to my mum about contraception, but she had a very "moral" stance when it came to sex, and I couldn't afford to let her know that I was sexually active. She and my dad have only ever slept with each other and while I think that's commendable because they're still utterly devoted to each other 45 years on, life doesn't always work out so neatly. When she did learn that I wasn't a virgin, her gut reaction was to call me a slag :-( Of course that made me rebel against her and sleep with a whole host of inappropriate men in my late teens / early twenties.

To this day, I know that sex is pretty much an off-limits subject with my mum. However, in recent years she's worked in a shop with several women in their 20s and I think its opened her eyes to just how open the younger generation are in comparison and she seems to be a little less guarded these days. She point blank refuses to learn how to use the internet, but I do sometimes wonder what she'd think if she came on a forum like this and saw how open people were with each other!

I'm not sure if I've answered your question OP, but I've certainly had a trip down memory lane....

Joylin · 18/05/2014 23:23

She never did anything, I bought my own first bra, learnt about periods etc from magazines. That was nothing new though, there was no real parenting and even less guidance past the baby/toddler phase.

redundantandbitter · 18/05/2014 23:28

fontella - sounds like you were both relieved !

I like the box of chocs/ flowers idea to celebrate periods. Def going to try and remember that ...the way dd1 is developing it might not be too far away (she's 9!!)

mrsmopps · 19/05/2014 17:39

This thread has been a revelation to me, I'm not alone!
my mum also did the girls gave XX chromosomes and boys have XY thing but gave me no other information about puberty that I can remember.
I started to get smelly sweat quite young, about 9 and getting given a body spray (which only ineffectively mask the sweaty smell) but not being told I had to wash before using it (not that it would have worked well anyway).
I remember having BO in high school and having no idea why because I was using body sprays. I must have asked and was told I was stupid and that you have to use an anti perspirant if you don't want to smell Hmm

periods- she must have guessed I'd started and found stained pants I'd hidden and told me to take them into the bath with me to clean them and if I needed anything she had stuff in the bathroom (only non applicator tampons and pant liners, no pads). I used toilet roll for years and even now feel like pads and tampons are a luxury.
phew, feels good to get all that out. There's more I can remember but this post is long enough! Puberty is hard enough I wonder why our parents made it harder.

mrsmopps · 19/05/2014 17:41

Just to add she did get library books about growing up (including Judy Blume 'forever'! ) and leave them lying out for me so she did want me to know stuff but must have felt unable to talk about it.
We didn't have much of a relationship tbh.

naicesex · 19/05/2014 17:50

Gin are you my sister?

When I was 15 my mum called me a slut because I refused to promise to stay a virgin until my wedding night. Note - at the heady age of 15 I was still a virgin! I ran away from home and dad found me.

She refused to explain about contraception despite me asking her point blank. She did grudgingly provide towels and took me for my first bra. DM provided not one jot of sex education for me or my brother. Weirdly her mum had been the same with her and one of the few things she did tell me was how embarrassed she was because she didn't know anything! Go figure!

It profoundly affected me having a mum who thought I was a slag just because I essentially wouldn't lie to her. I knew I was doing the right thing by being true to myself. I would say that a lot of my sex life has been in reaction to her prudishness and priggishness. I don't have a very close relationship with her as I don't trust her not to hurt me (she has form in other areas). I have this intense and burning curiosity to know if she has ever experienced an orgasm, or oral sex, or anything other than missionary (heaven forbid anal!). I know I would never have the balls to do that.

I don't want that for my daughter. It will be different this time.

tallulah · 19/05/2014 18:43

Mine gave me a book called For Growing Girls. I can remember thinking it didn't apply to me, until I read "you can continue to play your normal games during your period" and had to go back to the start and read it all again.

She took me to a little shop to buy a bra. The saleswoman fitted me, and said something about young girls always needing the straps fully adjusting, but didn't explain what that meant or show me what she'd done.

The straps were so long they were falling off my shoulders, so I took a tuck in each strap and sewed them down (I was 10). When mum noticed this she told me I was stupid because all I needed to do was pull the adjusters to shorten them. How was I supposed to know that?

Sex was never mentioned. I just got a load of rules and hints about unsuitable behaviour. She accused me of all sorts when I was 15, so I thought if I was going to get the blame for something I hadn't done I might as well do it, and threw myself at anyone who'd have me.

Freewheelin · 19/05/2014 23:26

I told my mum my period had started and she was very excited. Bought me towels but said I wouldn't get on with tampons because she hadn't, until she was married.
I asked for a bra although I really didn't need one and eventually we went and got one. She did tease me about my boobs in front of my brothers though which was crap.
A copy of The Joy of Sex appeared on the bookshelf and of course was perused but that backfired a bit as I hated those illustrations and the man resembled my dad. Leaving it on the shelf also made it seem a bit sneaky and dirty.
My mum is 79. No nudity, in fact barely any flesh on show at all while I was growing up.

I've tried to be different with my daughters. Got the eldest a body book which was humorous and covers spots to sex. So I felt sad when I found out she had started her period by finding stained pants.
I answer any questions honestly and openly and have always said that sex can be Fun!

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