How much did your Mum 'help' you with puberty?

[inforapennyinforapound]

Just had my Mum here for a week and been reflecting on how I think my parenting to my 2 dds differs from her parenting of me and my DB.

I've been thinking through a few things that I realise now my Mum never ever spoke to me about and trying to work out how much of it may be generataional.

I'm 35 and my Mum is 65. When I was growing up she never, ever spoke to me about puberty, didn't explain periods to me or ask me if I'd started them, never took me to a shop to be fitted for a bra (I think I grew up stealing her bras?!) Never ever told me about the facts of life (though did consent to me being taught about it in school).

When I was about 15 had a brief dalliance with bulimia which she found out about (can't remember how, I certainly didn't tell her) and she told me off then never, ever spoke to me about it ever again.

Just extremely uptight about everything to do with being a teenage girl, basically.

I always assumed it was normal, but my DDs are only 6 and 3 and I realise already how much more open I am already about this stuff I am with them than she was with me.

If you're a similar age - was this just how it was in the 80s? Or is it my mother?!

Is all that normal, to be so 'uptight' about

Usbourne book here too. Mum tossed a huge pack of ST's along the landing to me saying you'll need these one day. We did go bra shoping at least. That was it really until my younger brother was 16 when dad told him there was a stash of condoms he could use if he needed them.
I got info from: Judy Blume, Jilly Cooper, just 17, Joy of Sex and er a couple of copies of playgirl (!) I found a the bottom of a bookcase.
I'm expecting my first DC in nov and I'm going to be much more open about it all as I'm now feeling a bit cross that I had to find everything out myself or taught in biology.

My mum is now in her mid 70s and I would think that some women of her age group behaved very much the same.

She did buy me sanitary towels when I had my period but she never made much reference to the fact that I would be starting soon when I hit my teens. I probably gave her a huge shock anyway because my periods unlike hers were extremely painful and irregular. She had no idea at all what was wrong but she was not in favour of the pill because she thought that equalled sex. BTW I did receive two diagnoses for my period issues years later; endometriosis and PCOS.

Re bras I found one in my drawer one day (was never taken to be fitted for one of these) and I was one of the last girls in my year group to have one. Sex was never mentioned at all.

I have a son now and have been far more open about changes to his own body from an early age.

Mine was pretty fantastic with bras and periods, taught me on my second period how to use a tampon which made me "official expert" from then on and spent much of guide camp teaching other girls what to do
DISCLAIMER : no girl on girl touching involved, more of a general shove it up there instruction
Sex discussion stopped at..there's plenty of time for that sort of stuff after your A-levels !

Yes this strikes a cord with me I got my periods at 11 and never told my mother or anyone for 18 months. I felt my mother was detached from me and it meant I was a failure starting my periods. I used toilet paper all this time. When I did tell my Mum she bought me tweed perfume and some towels.

I had sex for the first time at 14 I just never had the confidence to say "no" I just didn't know how to. All I knew was having sex was a sin. On reflection I had zero self confidence,

Once I got older say past 20 my Mum and I became very good friends and had strong relationship. My mother prior to this time was busy attending to my needy father and brother, working and caring too much what others thought. My father died at 20 so I guess that made a difference she was catholic and believed marriage was for life regardless of how everyone else suffers.

My mum never had the talk with me but tbh we learnt it all at school. I can still remember in yr 5, all the girls being taken off to an empty classroom for The Talk. On the way we were all trying to work out what was happening and we thought we were going for an injection or something. When we got there we had the talk and got given a leaflet and samples. I was in total awe because one of the girls had started her periods and told us all about her experiences, she seemed so grown up. I didn't start til yr 8.

This is so sad that so many of us had the same negative experience. I'm 35 and my mum 60. I've got 3 dds and will never let them down like this. My mum came in my room one night and handed me a toilet bag containing towels. She just threw it on my bed saying that the mood I was in I would be needing them soon. I still clearly remember the feeling of shame and crying afterwards. She never bought me a bra or deodorant. I stole a bra from germ and used to use my dads sure. I also pinched a bic orange out the bin that had been my brothers. Was such a miserable time and my best friend had a similar mum so we helped each other. So sad as it could be a special time between mother and daughter

* stole a bra from her* stupid autocorrect

Absolurely no help from my mum or my DSis at all--they were a team, l wasn't included a real daddies girl. I learned as l went along but l vowed it would be different with my own family.
I have DD's x 2 and DS and l have always been open about everything to them and encouraged them to talk to me when needed (sometimes TMI where DS 23 is concerned ).

Mine told me my periods would be light and therefore I would only need panty liners, and only a couple a day as there would be no blood at night.

10 days of heavy flow later

And also I was not allowed to use tampons. Oh, and they wouldn't hurt so no painkillers.

All I remember is that mum told me she had some sanitary towels in the bathroom for me to use if needed, and I started just before or just after turning 12. I'm 45 now.

She never talked about it to me otherwise, until I reached 13 when I mentioned I was interested in using tampons as I wanted to go swimming.

She did get me some and we had a general chat about best position for inserting them. Fine, but never any discussion about sex.

I was in the last year of primary when I got my first bra, and although it was nice enough, I was still the first girl to get one and always changed for PE in the loos after that.

I spent years using the measurement methods for sizing bras, and never connected my regular backache to having the wrong size. I recently went from 46E to 38GG and backache is gone.

In summary, mum wouldn't talk about stuff, apart from a very rare chat. Even now, she does have body issues, but I did recognise that early on. And despite her own mum having been a very practical nurse.

DP and I have deliberately been far more open with our DCs, and for DD this was so important as she had come home from, school all terrified by hearing in the playground that as a female she'd be losing gallons of blood every much and had freaked out. So we'd had a chat that night and she calmed down and understood. (DP wanted to be fully involved because he wanted DD to realise that she could go to him about things if I wasn't available for any reason. He didn't and doesn't want either DC feeling they have to hide things from him.)

Such a sad thread, but it has at least made me realise that my situation was not so unusual.

My father told me about sex but only when I asked why two women couldn't marry.

We had 'the talk' at school which prompted me to ask for the Usbourne book which they duly bought me.

I was given STs without problem when my periods started. However my flow was heavy so I was constantly wrapping toilet paper around them, and hiding/binning stained pants to avoid the embarrassment of being discovered.

When I eventually built up the courage to ask to use tampons my mother point blank refused because they were, "too dangerous". Even though she used them herself.

My mother did take me bra shopping but only after friends at school had pointed out to me that I needed them. Similar experience for starting to use deodorant. V late in the day a can of 'Impulse' appeared.

Then to cap it all, a year ago at the ages of 35 and 65 my Mum visited and presented me with a carrier bag declaring, "I was clearing out my drawers and found 'these'. I don't need them anymore, so thought you could use them." Inside were some elderly sanitary towels and packets of lilets. FFS. I put them straight in the bin

When I watch 'One Born Every Minute' I marvel at the large proportion of women who want their mothers with them as birth partners. I can't imagine anyone I would want there less (apart from maybe MIL ). It makes me feel so sad not to have that kind of bond with my Mum , she is not a bad person, just incredibly poorly emotionally equipped to parent an adolescent.

I think this...I dont think she was proactive, I assumed it was a generational thing, less open chat about stuff and parenting has changed a lot.

I never felt i was 'guided' through emtional stuff, or maybe shown how to moderate my behaviour in certain situations.

My DM was a LP and I now realsie how hard it must have been for her now I have my two. Im on my own a lot re DH hours.

It is something I have thought about , and I keep thinking yes I'll make sure I tell her this and that..my DD is very little.

kantha I wou ld never have wanted my DM there. She is a good person but I feel guilty almost for harbour reflective criticisms. But then again if you are having these 'evaluations' of your own upbringing then I think it is healthy in helping us to improve how we parent, if that makes sense..instead of just blindly trundling on.

My mum was like this. I look back now and find it literally incredible that you can raise a daughter and never once talk to her about sex. She never told me what periods were and I only told her I had mine because I needed her to give me sanitary towels.
My parents both had very repressed upbringings and they just couldn't get over it.

Sex was never mentioned in our house. Older parents, only child.
I knew from school and was so unnerved at the thought of them possibly trying to have the conversation with me, I told them we had been told about it all at school. Never mentioned again.
I think it is amazing that I grew up to be so open about sex and bodies. No inhibitions between me and DH. Hoping I can be open/ helpful with our baby when it arrives and is growing up.

I didn't get nothing from my mother.. when my period started I didn't know what it was until a few knicker changes in when I twigged.

She didn't provide STs either and I was too embarrassed to ask her to get me some. I went through loads of toilet roll the first few years until i had my own money. She did my washing and toilet roll isn't the most protective of things but she still didn't make the connection that maybe she needed to provide me with protection when I was 12. She did get me crop tops for bras until I got a few handed down from my cousin which didn't fit properly but I was happy to have a real one by then I didn't care

i was totally different with my own daughter who can tell me anything to do with that part of being a woman.

Periods- I told my mum I had started (I was 11). She gave me a pack of sanitary towels every month. There was no other discussion. I never had any problems so it just seemed normal. Tampons never mentioned. There was a feeling amongst my friends that nice girls didn't use them. By the time we were in 6th form we all did.

I never got The Talk about sex but I did get a Claire Rayner book. Then read a lot of Jackie Collins too so perhaps that mix is where I got some funny ideas from :o

I'm 40, DM is 72 (don't tell her I told you that!!) and was kind about periods and bras, lucky me.

I'm saddened by some of these replies.
My mum would have been 83 now if she was still alive. Puberty for me was during the mid 1970s

She explained to me about sex and pregnancy when I first started asking serious questions. I can't remember how old I was but certainly under 8.
She talked to me about STI's - we called it VD back then - when I was considerably older.
When I started my periods she'd already talked to me, got a supply of towels ready for me and the whole thing was a non event when it actuallly happened.
She taught me how to use tampons when I was about 15 and mortified using towels which were still rather thick and horrible to use back then. Apparently my aunty was mortified that my mother had allowed me to "lose my virginity" to a tampon.
We talked about sex whenever I wanted to ask anything, and I was always comfortable with asking her until I actually started having sex at 17.

What surprises me when I look back at getting the towels chucked through the door with zero info is the fact my mam had me when she was 16 so I can't blame it on her being an older parent. I was born in the 70s

My dad told me there was something for me on the shelf under a pile of papers FFs. It was the body book. He couldn't even Hand it to me in person! It's quite pathetic actually.
My first relationship at 19 was awful. Abusive actually. I was living at uni in halls. Came home on a visit having gained 2 stone and pretty much disclosed that I had been overeating because my boyfriend had done this and that. All I got was judgement over being fat
I was totally unprepared for adult relationships, and I really do see that as a failing on my parents part.

@andsmile - glad it's not just me then re mothers as birthing partners.

I'm another one who could have written the OP.

When it became evident that I needed a bra, I asked my mum and she said no, I didn't need one and that I shouldn't be in such a hurry to grow up, ffs, I wasn't, I just didn't know how to stop puberty in it's tracks! For the next year, I wore 2 vests in an attempt to disguise/support my chest. When I asked again, she grudgingly took me to the sales, we rummaged in the bargain bins for some, no fitting. After that, she would leave her old bras in my drawers. These were a D cup, and fitted much better than the ones she has bought me in the sale, which gives you an idea of how badly I needed to wear one. I ended up with stretch marks on my breasts after those first couple of years, due to lack of support whilst doing games etc.

When I got my period for the first time, it happened in the morning and it took me until the evening to pluck up the courage to tell her. She gave me some money to go and buy myself some pads.

I don't have children myself, neither do my 2 sisters.

When it came to information, she was actually pretty good. Which is surprising, because she scores pretty highly on the Dysfunctional, Toxic and Narcissistic Mother Scale in most respects.

But when it came to practical stuff, she was horrendous (so true to form according to her DTNMS score). Two incidents capture this perfectly and still cause me to cringe decades later:

Re periods: when I was at the age where it was reasonable to think that my periods could soon start, we went into the local chemist and bought a selection of different towels. She paid for them and then in an EXTREMELY loud voice she said, 'There you go Cardamom, a bag of sanitary towels for you!' as she presented them to me in front of the entire shop. I felt utterly humiliated.

Re bras: I had not long been in bras and was about 12 or 13. We were in Dorothy Perkins, or somewhere similar, and she was looking though some bras that were on the sale rail. She took them one by one and, still on the shop floor by the rail of clothing, stretched the cup over my breast through my clothes to see if it might fit. When I didn't want to comply any further, I got screamed at. It was mortifying.

When I was clearly going through puberty and my body was clearly changing and becoming more curvy, she used to go on and on about how envious she was of me (she was flat chested and had very narrow hips). I felt so uncomfortable, like my body was doing something wrong that was causing her distress and that it was all my fault.

Wow it's kind of sad this thread.

My mum had some sort of pnd when I started, I remember cutting up my little brothers nappies to use as towels as there was none in the house and I had no money. Hideous.

I think being the eldest is sometimes worst because they don't want to face the physical evidence that you are growing up.