If someone makes a serious mistake in life..

[babyinmyarms]

Does it define that person forevermore even if they have moved on from that mistake years ago?

Should they be allowed to forget it or must they be made to always hang their head in shame?

Just wondering.

Totally depends what it is!

If it's illegal it will show on DBS (crb) checks for many years. This will have a serious impact on your employment options.

Nothing illegal at all. Not drugs, no crime, nothing like that.

Not an affair either.

We made a mistake moving abroad. We sold everything here including our house. Dh had a job out there waiting. We paid a relocation agent to do all our paperwork etc and thought we had done everything right but it turned into a disaster.

We came back a year later having handed the keys for our house out there back to the mortgage co. We lost everything. We arrived back in the UK with 4 suitcases, 3 DC £7000 worth of credit card debt and £1500 in cash . No furniture (not even bedding), no cars, no home! I felt deep shame for that and still do that we have to keep moving and our DCs don't have a home that's theirs any more.

We are still paying for it 8 years later and will never be able to afford our own home again. DH and I have blamed each other for years and it has ruined our marriage. Worst mistake of my life.

Yes it does depend on what it is. But it also depends on whether the person continues with this behaviour. As we don't know what it is then it's pretty difficult to give a decent answer. Who is making this person hang their head in shame?... Them self or others who want to punish them forever?

Oh you poor things.

For what it's worth, and without further details, I don't think what you did was a mistake.

Shame is a terribly destructive emotion. Crippling. I wish I had some advice on how to cope with it.

Oh for goodness' sake Vivacia, sorry OP I got you and Penny all mixed up.

It really depends on the mistake and how if affected you and / or people around you.

It also depends on whether you have forgiven yourself. People can and do forgive, but they don't forget. It depends again on the nature of the mistake and how it impacts on life now.

i think myself it depends.

How much did it hurt / damage other people? temporarily or permanently?

how much did it hurt / damage you, temporarily or permanently?

Has the person tried to make amends, if that is possible?

in general I guess that never forgiving yoruself is actually counterproductive in living your life well and in trying to make up for the mistakes you made, or trying to live your life better. But if it's bad enough it's something you can't really forget.

The consequences of that mistake may never go away. For dramatic examples, bankers stealing pension funds, or the consequences of someone committing a rape where a child results, or the aftereffects of an affair. But (without knowing the specifics) in general I'd say that while a bad enough mistake can change your life and define it to some degree, beating yoruself up forever is just not constructive for you or anyone.

I guess, do what you can to put it right, take responsibility and learn from your fuckups ...

er. what lavender said, so much more succintly =)

Depends.

One person's "mistake" is another person's destructive and selfish act.

I assume this is about the Google case?

it's a difficult one. On the one hand, we should not be attempting to purge records and rewrite history, on the other hand, is it fair for a (for example) person with an unusual/unique name to be forever haunted by tittle-tattle because it comes up whenever their name is typed into Google?

I don't know the answer

"One person's "mistake" is another person's destructive and selfish act."

I think that actually says more about the "another person" than it does about the original offender.

No matter how bad the "mistake" was if the offender is genuinely remorseful, has paid his penance, done what he can to make things right and altered his life(style) to make sure it can never happen again then no it shouldn't define him forever and the people/person who won't forgive him are only damaging themselves.

I was brought up in a village pre Google. Your entire life history and a bit added on for good luck was known by everyone and never forgotten.

A relative of mine died recently and they are going on about what she got up to in the War.

I nearly added a bit about avoiding living in a small village:)

I would also say if your mistake has been posted on the Internet it will never go away. If anyone looks of course.

Kind of weird if we've come to the point where living in a small village and having an existance on Google are so similar =)

What you went through would break anyone. But you say it happened 8 years ago and you are still with your other half and that signifies that your relationship stood the test and even though you think your kids have suffered they are still fortunate to be part of a united family.

I know this probably doesn't help but believe me family is definitely the most important thing in life all the rest is just experiences good or bad it will just be a memory but family is everything.

How comes you still have to keep moving? Surely 8 years is enough time to put the past behind you. You took a chance and it didn't work. What is it affecting right now?

Penny, it wasn't a mistake at the time. You can look back and berate yourselves, but the past is a wonderful country. We do things differently there.

All kudos to you and your dh btw for sticking together. Its a shame its still haunting you though. Would you start your own thread and look for advice, ideas and similar stories? Sometimes the insight of total strangers who don't have the emotional background can cut straight to the point and give you an aha moment. I speak from experience on mn:)

Meerka, that's a very interesting point! Its actually worse now- you can't move from a little village and expect to make a fresh start cleanly. There will always be someone with twitchy fingers on the Internet near you:)

Depends what it was

Context is everything. The nature of the mistake, time elapsed, remorse expressed (or amends made), the individual who made the mistake and under what circumstances & by whom they are being expected to hang their head in shame.

Are you being bullied over a past mistake OP?

Really depends what it was, why they did it (particularly did they try to or intend to hurt someone), etc.
there are some 'big mistakes' that are actually such evil acts that a person has to accept they may never be forgiven. And of course they have no right to be forgiven if the mistake was one that impacted on someone else - that someone has the right to choose not to forgive.

but being forgiven by others and moving on yourself, forgiving yourself, are 2 seperate things and moving on yourself is a personal thing and not dependent on the feelings of others about whatever mistake was made.
you can make peace with yourself regardless how others feel.

It depends on what it is and who it affects. I still remember some of my mistakes, and it is hard not to admit it to yourself as a mistake until a desire comes to me, and I realised the way to achieve that goal would've been a particular way. It is one of those things that, sometimes if it is a mistake against our values, it will hurt so much more than anyone keep on suggesting the past. There are some things which I did to my mom when I was young, and I probably was not all too proud of even now. It probably has gone to my subconscious and buried, but now that you wrote this thread, it does bring back memories. Sometimes it is one of those things that if you did something against yourself, it will hurt so much more than anybody reminding you of it.

Sometimes when people chat or that they seem okay, but really, the memories or the feeling still stays. It is just buried inside of them. If they do not let it come out and really get rid of it, it will hurt even more so.