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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If someone makes a serious mistake in life..

54 replies

babyinmyarms · 17/05/2014 19:38

Does it define that person forevermore even if they have moved on from that mistake years ago?

Should they be allowed to forget it or must they be made to always hang their head in shame?

Just wondering.

OP posts:
Trapper · 18/05/2014 02:48

Is OP coming back with context?

daisychain01 · 18/05/2014 04:35

Would be good if the OP could say what is behind this post. What is the situation re Google. I must be behind the times!

Cerisier · 18/05/2014 06:01

Our criminal system is designed so that offenders pay their debt to society. However rehabilitation afterwards is a sign of a civilised society. Actions will not be forgotten but the person should be allowed to move on and to do good things in the future.

Penny, so sorry to hear your story. It wasn't a mistake I suspect but a combination of circumstances that conspired to bring about your situation, which you didn't imagine in a million years would happen.

RudyMentary · 18/05/2014 06:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

superstarheartbreaker · 18/05/2014 07:24

I think forgiveness is easier said than done. Id pove to forgive myself for staying with my abusive ex and id love to forgive him for abusing me. Intellectually I know why I atayed with him but my heart cant comprehend it.That mistake cost me good mental health...it is a life long scar. Slowly healing.
I think the most important person to forgive is oneself.

superstarheartbreaker · 18/05/2014 07:25

Agggrrr typos!

Original poster
babyinmyarms · 18/05/2014 07:43

It's hard to put into context without saying what I've actually done.

What I will say is that it was behaviour in my 20's which was a result of a bad childhood and a resulting lack of self esteem. My behaviour only affected myself, however I do feel I have moved on and I am now doing well, with a nice house, a good job and a wonderful daughter.

The person who will not let me forget is my DD father's ex! They have children together. They were split when he and I got together. We then had a child and unfortunately it didn't work out for us either. However I am very happy and able to cope bringing her up on my own etc.

The problem is this ex knows about my past and said she will under no circumstances allow her children to spend time with me or my DD, and also that when my DD is old enough she will tell her all about my past. So I wondered whether this is fair and do I not deserve to move on from it?

OP posts:
Original poster
babyinmyarms · 18/05/2014 07:43

I am now in my 30's BTW.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/05/2014 07:51

I wonder how the ex knows about your past... If whatever it was you did is long ago and would not show up, say, on a CRB check then there is no good reason why someone should prevent you from looking after their children. Having said that, if you have split up from your DD's father (if I read that right), why would you want to or need to spend time with his children from a previous relationship?

FWIW, if you live in a place where gossip of your old self could get back to your DD, it's probably best to tell her what happened yourself when she's old enough to understand. Tell your own story your way and that will avoid a lot of problems.

DieselSpillages · 18/05/2014 07:56

Sounds like you have turned your life around and are doing well. This woman sounds judgemental and cruel.

Has she explained what her fears are around not letting her dc have contact with you ? Is she ok with your DD having a relationship with her dc if you aren't there ?

I'd choose to have as little as possible to do with her. When your Dd is old enough you can tell her yourself about your past .. (I beleive honesty is the best as Dc always subconsciously know stuff) that way this woman can't hold it over you.

Quitelikely · 18/05/2014 08:02

Still not enough info. I can't see why you would be upset over a failed life abroad or you daughter finding out about it! Plus kids are forgiving. You would be better off telling your own children what they need to know about you.

Also if the woman isn't wanting you around her children surely that isn't because your life abroad failed! If you want good advice from peeps here tell your story and I'm sure you will get what you came for

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/05/2014 08:04

Abroad?

Original poster
babyinmyarms · 18/05/2014 08:11

Hi Quitelikely - the post about being abroad is not from me, you have us mixed up.

Regarding the relationship with the ex's other children, they are my DDs half brothers and sisters so I would hope they can have a relationship of some sort.

Maybe I will tell DD when she is old enough. Hopefully she will be proud enough of me not to care.

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 18/05/2014 08:12

Oops! (I do very rarely in life make mistakes) : )

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/05/2014 08:12

It's your ex's role to facilitate DD's relationship with her half brothers and sisters, not yours.

Quitelikely · 18/05/2014 08:13

Is it drugs? Violence?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/05/2014 08:18

It's immaterial what the original mistake was. Personally, I would not want my own DS to spend time alone with someone that disliked me or who was threatening to badmouth me to him. When your DD spends time with her father, he can introduce her to his other children. However, he also needs to protect her from his ex's threats.

Cabrinha · 18/05/2014 08:48

From what you've said about it not affecting others or being criminal, I suspect it's related to sexual behaviour.

You know if she tells your daughter, your daughter will just think she's a lying vindictive bitch?

You shouldn't have anything to do with this woman. She's s bully. She's not interested in telling your daughter so much as making you FEAR she will.

So what if your daughter knows, whatever you did? You have The Talk about people making choices they later regret and why - your daughter knows you have a past (big deal, we all do) and therefore she can talk to you about anything.

Whatever it is, you can probably deny the worst, and talk to your daughter about the rest.

There is no reason for this woman to be around you or your daughter though - how is she even speaking to you?

beepingbeep · 18/05/2014 09:29

I'm guessing this has to do with drugs and prostitution and or theft/crime. Sorry if I've assumed incorrectly.

If you've learnt from your ways and have been on the straight and narrow for a lengthy period of time, then I can't see why your ex's ex is being so spiteful.

Two factors come to mind: she's either extremely jealous and resentful of you and your DD or has good reason to be cautious of you due to your said past wrong doing.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/05/2014 09:34

The woman has no 'good reason' to feel anything about the OP. Their only connection is that they are both exes of the same man and both have his children. Why would she have anything whatsoever to do with the OP or her child, let alone be entitled to an opinion? Hmm

Original poster
babyinmyarms · 18/05/2014 09:38

She knows it is not relevant to my life now. She knows it was just something I did and I came out the other side.

She is using it as a stick to beat me with.

I have never taken drugs in my life, I don't drink, I have never committed a crime. I just made a mistake at a low point in my life and she takes great pleasure in knowing about it.

OP posts:
beepingbeep · 18/05/2014 09:39

That's for the OP to know and contemplate on.

Perhaps she wants her dd to have contact with her half sibling/s and has to communicate this through their mother, as her ex is unwilling or not allowed (by the ex) to organise the contact...? Just a wild guess.

beepingbeep · 18/05/2014 09:41

Well then, she sounds like quite a bitch tbh.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/05/2014 09:42

If someone is bullying you OP either stand up to them or reject them. There is no good reason why you should be in contact with this woman at all, let alone allow her to beat you with a metaphorical stick. Keep your DD close and, if it means she doesn't have a relationship with her half-siblings.... so what?

Kif · 18/05/2014 09:46

Really - the mud will stick to her more than you.

I'd be very Hmm at anyone trying to engage me in salacious gossip from the distant pass.

FWIW, cases in my family of people finding out odd stuff about other family members (including the old chestnut: 'well, of course, he's not your father....' ) have strengthened bonds - maturing children can have empathy with the adolescent their parent once was iyswim.