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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Deserve a flaming...

66 replies

Therewere5inthebed · 17/05/2014 15:56

I'm married with a child, totally in love with my husband and fancy him like mad but over the last few years he's gone totally off sex, apparently he's never been sexually motivated but things were pretty good for the first few years. He's had some health issues recently and during the course of many tests he has been diagnosed with a hormone deficiency of major proportions. Obviously the reason behind the lack of interest. He describes it as not even considering sex, at all, even though everything is in good working order. He's now having treatment but it is having no effect on his libido, he will continue with this treatment for the rest of his life..

We spoke about how no sex life makes me feel, rejected, unattractive etc but I understand he can't force himself to want sex, neither would I want him to.

The problem I have now is that I love sex and the intimacy it creates, I feel like chief cook, cleaner and childcarer without it and it is making me wonder what is left for me.

I have a very good long term (25yrs) male friend who I have always felt very attracted to, I know for a fact the feeling is mutual but as we have never been single at the same time have never acted on it.

Following a long conversation with him this week when he picked up on my sadness I made the mistake of talking about the state of my relationship to him.

To cut a long story short we spent the next day texting, getting more risqué as the day progressed, at first I thought he was trying to give me a bit of a confidence boost as I was obviously feeling low but I'm now fairly sure he would be happy to consider taking things to another level. I know I couldn't live with myself if I cheated on my husband but am very tempted to meet with him and just see what happens...

OP posts:
Dirtybadger · 17/05/2014 16:02

Don't.

Dirtybadger · 17/05/2014 16:02

Don't.

catwithflowers · 17/05/2014 16:04

It's not the answer. You will regret it immediately. Once you have slept with this man, it can't be undone.

I hope you find a solution, OP, but it isn't this.

gigglygirlygirl · 17/05/2014 16:04

Don't do it - if you meet him you will most likely cheat on your husband.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 17/05/2014 16:08

Maybe ask your husband for permission to get your needs met elsewhere. You never know, if he's really not bothered about sex he might not be bothered about you getting it elsewhere

PickledPorcupine · 17/05/2014 16:14

Don't

PickledPorcupine · 17/05/2014 16:16

Sorry posted too soon. Don't do it! It's not the answer. It might be the answer with full support from your husband (which I have seen work successfully) but without it your marriage would be ruined.

MyLatest · 17/05/2014 16:22

Talk to your husband and try and agree on a plan of action. Don't have an affair.

neiljames77 · 17/05/2014 16:47

So he has a medical condition and needs help and support to try and rectify things to get back to normal?
You're answer to this is to see another bloke?

KristinaM · 17/05/2014 17:02

Don't

AuntieStella · 17/05/2014 17:21

Don't.

Does your DH's condition preclude all forms of sex? Is there no prospect that a change in his medical management will lter his libido? If all physical causes for low libido have been ruled out, is he on a list for counselling?

I think it would be just plain wrong to have an affair (especially if the underlying issue really is a medical one for which treatment avenues may still exist). But if you think your marriage is indeed dead for wider reasons, then I would still think it abad idea to choose betrayal now. Muh better to make the decisions about ending your marriage first, then take stock of yourself, and then only move on once you're sure you're ready.

Vivacia · 17/05/2014 17:27

am very tempted to meet with him and just see what happens...

But you know what will happen, you would be making a very conscious decision.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 17/05/2014 17:31

*"So he has a medical condition and needs help and support to try and rectify things to get back to normal?

Your answer to this is to see another bloke?"*

^This^

Fairylea · 17/05/2014 17:33

Don't. Please don't.

You're just going to get yourself in one big massive mess.

Original poster
Therewere5inthebed · 17/05/2014 17:39

I've considered all options carefully, it is categorically not going to improve, consultant's opinion at last appmt. I do not want to leave my husband and would do anything to change the way things are. But I feel as though my life is passing me by..

OP posts:
PinkSquash · 17/05/2014 17:41

You need to leave your husband before embarking on an affair.

BillyBanter · 17/05/2014 17:41

It's ok to talk about your relationship with your partner and find a solution that meets both your needs that you both agree on.

It's ok to leave a marriage that isn't meeting your needs.

It's not ok to have an affair behind your DH's back to meet your needs, when that need is sex. That dishonesty doesn't allow him to make informed choices, or to be free to find honest happiness elsewhere.

You know what will happen if you meet this man.

Hissy · 17/05/2014 17:43

No 'friend', no real friend would go for it with a married woman friend.

He's a sleaze. He saw your vulnerability and is milking it for an easy shag.

Don't let him use you under the guise of you 'using him' to satisfy your needs.

Imagine too, if this were the other way around? What kind of wanker H would go fuck someone else if you had a medical condition that meant you didn't want to/couldn't prioritise sex in your relationship.

Not one worth keeping.

BillyBanter · 17/05/2014 17:44

On reading your further post.

You need to broach the subject with your DH. What he decides to do with that is his choice. If he decides he would rather split up then you have to respect that even if it's not what you want. It's the risk you take. He deserves an informed choice.

upsondowns · 17/05/2014 17:45

I have gone through similar with dh being ill and losing libido. He has a hormone deficiency and now has to have HRT for the rest of his life.
How long as your dh been having the treatment for? It may take a few months to start to work properly.

On top of the HRT dh is also prescribed Viagra. His libido is now much higher than before and there's no stopping him. 4-5 times in 48 hours now is not unusual Blush.

Perhaps you should both go and speak to the GP for advice rather than consider shagging another man.

Hissy · 17/05/2014 17:46

It'd be ok to leave your H over this, if you really can't live in a sexless marriage, but you can't cheat on him. He's worth more consideration than that.

TheHouseatWhoCorner · 17/05/2014 17:46

How do you think you would feel afterwards? Fulfilled, guilty, wanting more?

How do you think your DH would feel if he discovered you?

Would you consider couples counselling to discuss how you are both feeling about the diagnosis?

BillyBanter · 17/05/2014 17:47

What ups says.

If you want to stay with your DH then you need to look at what you can do within your marriage first. It's not been long since his diagnosis so investigate possibilities as ups has done.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis · 17/05/2014 17:47

You will lose your husband and a "friend" and your self respect.Please don't. Change the genders round and see how it sounds.
Support your dh, it's medical, he could get help. Enjoy cuddles and closeness. (And get a vibrator)

Minime85 · 17/05/2014 17:53

but what do you say makes up your life? if the only thing missing is sex and everything else is great do you fundamentally think that it is worry risking and throwing all the rest away for?