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Original poster

Deserve a flaming...

66 replies

Therewere5inthebed · 17/05/2014 15:56

I'm married with a child, totally in love with my husband and fancy him like mad but over the last few years he's gone totally off sex, apparently he's never been sexually motivated but things were pretty good for the first few years. He's had some health issues recently and during the course of many tests he has been diagnosed with a hormone deficiency of major proportions. Obviously the reason behind the lack of interest. He describes it as not even considering sex, at all, even though everything is in good working order. He's now having treatment but it is having no effect on his libido, he will continue with this treatment for the rest of his life..

We spoke about how no sex life makes me feel, rejected, unattractive etc but I understand he can't force himself to want sex, neither would I want him to.

The problem I have now is that I love sex and the intimacy it creates, I feel like chief cook, cleaner and childcarer without it and it is making me wonder what is left for me.

I have a very good long term (25yrs) male friend who I have always felt very attracted to, I know for a fact the feeling is mutual but as we have never been single at the same time have never acted on it.

Following a long conversation with him this week when he picked up on my sadness I made the mistake of talking about the state of my relationship to him.

To cut a long story short we spent the next day texting, getting more risqué as the day progressed, at first I thought he was trying to give me a bit of a confidence boost as I was obviously feeling low but I'm now fairly sure he would be happy to consider taking things to another level. I know I couldn't live with myself if I cheated on my husband but am very tempted to meet with him and just see what happens...

OP posts:
Original poster
Therewere5inthebed · 17/05/2014 17:53

Upsondowns
It sounds like the same thing to me, he's had a years worth of monthly injections and his levels are still not improving, I think the hardest thing for me to come to terms with is that there is no problem physically as such, his bits do work, it's the lack of inclination. We've both attended the last few consultant appointments but they're a bit stuck as to what to try next.

If I could get him interested in any way I would do anything, and have tried every trick in the book only to end up feeling a total faliure, unattractive and dreadfully sad.

It may seem selfish to anyone who hasn't been where I am, but would it be less so to break up an otherwise very happy family?

OP posts:
Dustier · 17/05/2014 17:54

Oh, bollocks to this.

Life is short, and experiencing great sex is one of life's priceless pleasures. You can't be expected to martyr yourself to this.

I say, go for it.

upsondowns · 17/05/2014 17:59

Yes, regular injections here too. It seems odd that the levels are not improving despite these- is it worth getting a second opinion from an endocrinologist at all?
Does porn excite him at all i.e would something visual perhaps get him in the mood?

EdenCalling · 17/05/2014 17:59

I think that if you talk to your husband about it and you both agree it would be better for you, you wouldn't feel the guilt then.

Sometimes life isn't simple and if everything else in your marriage is good this could be a workable solution.

upsondowns · 17/05/2014 18:00

Does your dh realise that no sex could mean the end of your relationship?

Vivacia · 17/05/2014 18:09

You could equally advise, "sod it. Leave your family for sex with this man, let your husband have a chance to be with someone who won't sneak about behind his back".

WildBill · 17/05/2014 18:09

So everything is in good working order? he just doesn't feel like it?.... Sometimes, and this applies to men and women, just start doing it and you soon get in the mood. If your husband is refusing to even try then have a serious think about your future.

BillyBanter · 17/05/2014 18:16

Would he be willing to try viagra and see what he thinks?

Does he really understand how this makes you feel? I imagine it must be difficult for him to truly understand if sex is as much as a non-thing for him as a need for fnergefurfen is a non thing to anyone.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/05/2014 18:37

A sexless marriage is fairly bad but, as a temporary blip, can potentially be tolerable. A marriage with zero affection and inclination is a pretty bad long-term prospect. Cheating on your DH would be less loving and more dishonest than calling time. I suspect you're already having the affair however, so good luck.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 17/05/2014 18:54

He doesn't need an erection or need the inclination to want one to please you. He can give you the closeness and intimacy you need without there having to be an erect penis in the room. What would be so wrong with a spot of frottage and a decent cuddle afterwards?

Vivacia · 17/05/2014 19:05

I know that somebody always says this, but I think that the advice would be very, very different if the sexes were reversed here.

neiljames77 · 17/05/2014 19:28

I'll turn this on it's head and apologise for the mansplaining in advance. Here's a hypothetical scenario:

"I love my wife and I still fancy her like mad. She never had much of a libido but that's fair enough. Anyway, since we've had kids, she has no libido whatsoever. I've been talking to another woman who I've known for years and I've mentioned this to her. She really likes me and we've been texting each other and she seems to want to take things further. My wife has been told that she could get treatment to raise her libido but I can't really be arsed waiting around to see if it works or not. I know I could lie there burping my worm while she feigns interest to satisfy my needs but it's not enough for me. Should I meet up with this woman?"

To those who advised her to go for it, try and answer objectively.

Owllady · 17/05/2014 19:33

Get a dildo and get some counselling, apart and together

heyday · 17/05/2014 19:48

You say you are totally in love with your husband.... And yet you are on the verge of sleeping with another man? That's a pretty weird love. As already said, if you were to sleep with him, you can never, ever turn the clock back and undo all the pain you will have caused. You need to stop all contact with this guy and take time to talk to your husband to explain how you feel, perhaps get yourself a good vibrator and have some fun together in the bedroom. You know what is likely to happen if you meet this guy so you now have the happiness and security of your whole family firmly in your hands! Their fate depends on the choices you make.

IWillIfHeWill · 17/05/2014 19:48

If you go, you'll do it. When its done, it can't be undone.

neiljames77 · 17/05/2014 19:53

I wouldn't even recommend getting a vibrator. Roles reversed, if a woman had no desire at all to engage in any kind of sexual activity, would you suggest that she should play along with things just to satisfy his needs?

upsondowns · 17/05/2014 20:13

The lack of desire is undoubtedly due to his medical condition though. Op says that his levels (I assume testosterone) are not improving, despite treatment. He won't be wanting sex if his levels are rock bottom- it won't be him just choosing not to want it.
Therefore there still may be other options to be explored before going elsewhere for sex.

spottydolphin · 17/05/2014 20:14

i think you should talk to him and suggest the idea of getting your needs met elsewhere.,
i'm in a similar position only roles reversed and my partner has another partner to meet his sexual desires. it works well for us

Minime85 · 18/05/2014 09:50

what Neil said in both his posts.

kalidanger · 18/05/2014 10:03

I thought he was trying to give me a bit of a confidence boost as I was obviously feeling low

Heehee :o

Wake up - don't pretend to be naive and fall into being a cheat. You're heading for "it just happened!" territory. One thing led to another... Down a slippery slope into heartbreak, fury and a fucking divorce.

Worldofjumblesales · 18/05/2014 11:32

Hi Therewere5inthebed,

For what it is worth I don't think you deserve a flaming. It is a good thing that you are seeking advice and I hope the advice you get is helpful for you.

I agree with what many of the posters have said in that that the only ethical choice is to try to work things through with your husband, be that to find a solution that works for you both or to call it a day in the relationship.

However, having said that, I do appreciate that life is not always so straightforward as this and perhaps there is another way. Perhaps you could go ahead and see the other person to see how it develops and then make a decision on your marriage? What I mean is, be ready to end your marriage if, after seeing the other person, you realise that your heart is not in your marriage and you want to pursue a life with the other man (or at least, not with your husband).

If you do decide to do that I would strongly recommend preparing for the fallout as much as possible in advance and not to leave it more than a few days before making your decision. At least this way you can avoid the awful heartache that an affair would cause whike testing the waters as it were. If it was me I would start thinking about what would need to happen in order to separate and try to plan how you will deal with everything should you decide to do it.

If, after seeing the other person, you decide you don't want to go through with it, you could then stop seeing that person. If your husband finds out about it at some future point in time, you may find this easier to manage than a full blown affair.

Hope this helps, and good luck!

Fairenuff · 18/05/2014 11:40

I know I couldn't live with myself if I cheated on my husband

What do you mean by this OP? Confused

neiljames77 · 18/05/2014 11:45

But she said she's totally in love with her husband and fancies him like mad. If everything is fine apart from this problem he has with his libido, then it 'seems' to me like she's jumping ship (and jumping someone else) rather than being a loving, respectful and supportive partner.

Worldofjumblesales · 18/05/2014 11:52

True but I guess it comes down to just how important sex is to her for the marriage to succeed long term. For many people sex is a core part of a successful marriage and if this is taken away, it can be difficult to continue without some kind of solution (for example that the partner is able to have their sexual needs met elsewhere).

neiljames77 · 18/05/2014 11:59

Worldofjumblesales - you're probably right. Just seems a bit nasty, that's all.

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