Deserve a flaming...

[Therewere5inthebed]

I'm married with a child, totally in love with my husband and fancy him like mad but over the last few years he's gone totally off sex, apparently he's never been sexually motivated but things were pretty good for the first few years. He's had some health issues recently and during the course of many tests he has been diagnosed with a hormone deficiency of major proportions. Obviously the reason behind the lack of interest. He describes it as not even considering sex, at all, even though everything is in good working order. He's now having treatment but it is having no effect on his libido, he will continue with this treatment for the rest of his life..

We spoke about how no sex life makes me feel, rejected, unattractive etc but I understand he can't force himself to want sex, neither would I want him to.

The problem I have now is that I love sex and the intimacy it creates, I feel like chief cook, cleaner and childcarer without it and it is making me wonder what is left for me.

I have a very good long term (25yrs) male friend who I have always felt very attracted to, I know for a fact the feeling is mutual but as we have never been single at the same time have never acted on it.

Following a long conversation with him this week when he picked up on my sadness I made the mistake of talking about the state of my relationship to him.

To cut a long story short we spent the next day texting, getting more risqué as the day progressed, at first I thought he was trying to give me a bit of a confidence boost as I was obviously feeling low but I'm now fairly sure he would be happy to consider taking things to another level. I know I couldn't live with myself if I cheated on my husband but am very tempted to meet with him and just see what happens...

OP what does your husband think and say about all this? there's lots of emphasis on this thread about your responsibility to him, but I'm not sure how I feel about that if he is expecting you to go through the rest of your marriage with what is a central physical and emotional need unmet.

On a more practical note, meeting your sexual need with someone who is a close friend is a bad idea, for that friendship, and for your marriage (working on the basis you expect to have a sexual relationship outwith the marriage, but keep the marriage going).

I also think it is likely that the fact he is a friend is what makes the thought so intoxicating ie it is adultery, in spirit.

We have both attended consultant appointments and they (3 different) are baffled as to the lack of effect. There is no other problem other than the lack of libido that the lack of testosterone is causing so they're not too bothered! My husband is sympathetic, to a point, but doesn't really understand how I feel. Everything is in good working order so to speak, he just doesn't think about or want sex and I can't force that. I hardly think a vibrator will help, it's not just about the climax, it's about the whole lack of intimacy with the man I love.

The whole point of me posting was to see if anyone has had any personal experience with this and to see what worked for them, over a year down the line from diagnosis, four from the problem beginning and we're still no closer to finding a solution.

I've decided not to meet alone with my friend as reading some of the posts have put a different perspective on things, I was thinking purely selfishly and I don't think I could have gone through with anything anyway. The reason I thought it'd be a good idea is that said friend knows me, very well, knows my situation and I trust him, not to hurt me or my family. He is in an open relationship for similar reasons to me so there is an understanding of how I feel.

I just don't want the feelings of (unjustified) resentment to ruin an otherwise happy marriage, and although I know in my heart getting these needs met elsewhere is wrong ultimately really I miss sex.. So back to the drawing board for me it is..

I've been a bit harsh and sneering with my responses and I apologise.

But I feel as though my life is passing me by..

how will sex with someone other than your husband somehow make this better for you? will life stop passing you by if you have more sex?

I just don't want the feelings of (unjustified) resentment to ruin an otherwise happy marriage, and although I know in my heart getting these needs met elsewhere is wrong ultimately really I miss sex..

Have you said this to your husband? I'm not sure if you have answered the question, but people have asked if you've spoken to your husband about the relationship being at risk.

It's the lack of closeness and intimacy that's the problem fedupbutfine.
I misjudged her as being totally selfish.

I understand a little of how you feel. I think my dp has low testosterone levels but he wont get tested his lack of libido doesn't bother him.

I have thought about cheating too, made a date but cancelled at the last moment as I couldn't see it through.

I think you need to be totally frank with your dp about your needs and exactly how close you have come to cheating.

I know nobody should force themselves to have sex they don't want but sometimes just getting back into wakes our libido up and the more you have the more you want. If he enjoys it when he gets going would he be open to a regular date night of snuggling up on the sofa with a film and a bottle of wine, kisses and cuddles and see if it leads anywhere, with no pressure if it doesn't. Just a snuggle might get back some of the intimacy you crave if not the passion.

Or maybe a sex ban, take sex totally off the cards for say 3 months, even if he does feel a sudden urge. That way he will be able to have a snog, cuddle etc without feeling the pressure to perform because he knows its not expected.

Once intimacy and affection are back on track you might feel better about less sex and your dp might find he does fancy a bit after all from all the kissing and cuddling.

If some who alleges to love you is refusing to ... what?... give you a hug?.... then the only conclusion you can reasonably reach is that they really don't want to. Intimacy has nothing to do with 'iibido' I'm sorry. I hugged a colleague last week who has just come back to work after a serious medical procedure. I don't love or fancy my colleague, I just wanted him to know I cared.

You husband is not sympathetic.... and I think that sentence stops right there.

Thank you Neil for your apology, I have been pretty selfless over the last 4 years but totally understand how my posts have come across.

A sex ban! How funny, I've not had sex for 4 years so I'm not entirely sure how that'd help?

My husband is sympathetic, as much as he can be, he just doesn't want sex, and I get lots of cuddles which I understand will not go any further than that..

If someone is not motivated sexually even after a year of treatment, me trying everything from sexy underwear (incidentally the only response I got was ' why are you wearing that).. To buying porn DVD's to see if that'd help and still no motivation I see very little that I can do. Also he's explained that it's not just me, he doesn't have sexual feelings for anyone, but that doesn't stop me feeling rejected and dissatisfied with my lot.

I can't see a solution to this without at least one of you being upset.

I'm about to say something which is not going to go down well at all, so as a disclaimer this is just a suggestion, I'm not saying this is what the OP, or anyone else, should or should not do, it is just an option.

A marriage is made up of so many components, it's your physical home, your family, your mutual love and respect, companionship, sex, to an extent your social status- in short, your marriage is the life you have built together.

Talk to your husband. He is not interested in sex, and you very much are, so this is obviously a problem! As you said, he has never had a massive libido, so perhaps for him the components that I listed above are much more important and are the essential parts of your marriage, not necessarily sex. You could sit down with him and say something along the lines of "I love you, and I want to stay married to you, but the lack of sex is a very big problem for me, and I don't want to manipulate you into having sex that you don't want. To meet both of our needs, and so we can stay living in our home, with our family, and with all the aspects of our marriage that are successful and make us happy, would you consider removing sex from our marriage? Hypothetically, you would not be under any pressure to have sex with me if you don't want to, but I would be able to meet my needs elsewhere."

I don't know your husband, I have no idea how he'd react. If he would consider it, he will definitely have some rules, which you should follow absolutely to the letter. If he wants to know exactly what happens, who, where, when, then you respect him and you tell him. No exceptions. If he wants to remain oblivious apart from this one conversation, then it is your responsibility to make sure he never comes across any reason to think you are sleeping with anyone except him. If he says no, then you respect his no and you do not, under any circumstances, cheat. You use protection, get tested regularly, be careful.

I know this will be extremely unpopular, and I expect a flaming, but your current circumstance is not working for you and something needs to change. Non-monogamy, or being monogam-ish, works for some people and doesn't for others. It is just a suggestion!

Fairly sensible Grumpy, except for the 'tell him every detail' bit - they'd soon develop a relationship where her love life was defined by what he wants to hear about. If husband isn't doing the sex, he has no right to know about it.

Erm... do you tell your husband every detail?

If it wasn't clear, only tell him if he wants to know, he may want to know who, or when, or he may actually want to know in gory detail, or nothing at all, I don't know him! But yes granted his disinterest in sex he probably wouldn't want to know the details. I didn't want to say that to the OP because only her DH can tell her what he does and doesn't want to know.

My DH and I are mostly monogamous, but I do have non-monogamous friends, some of them fully disclose and some don't. We are all told that a successful relationship is a completely monogamous one that ends in death, if you're not monogamous you just don't love each other enough, but in my personal experience things are rarely so simple!

That last comment came across as pretty patronising, I honestly didn't read it like that until after I posted! I just meant that the vast majority of people are complicated in some way, and as a result relationships are too.