Has anyone heard of Alexithymia or am I cluching at straws?

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Me and DH have always had arguements. Been married for 5 years and not sure that we every should have as we have such a different way of communicating. I have a very votaile temper and am very empathic, but he is a defensive aggressive arse who will can not have a proper discussion (We have just had another arguement - can you tell?).

Anyway, while 'cooling down' I have realised that he just does not register emotion when we discuss emotive topics. He can not understand that rudeness, sarcasm, irritation or contempt are inappropriate when talking to me about something I am clearly upset about or even to DD (aged 2!!!).
He makes "jokes" which are nasty, uses a contemptious tone of voice and generally shows no caring of things that are clearly upsetting. And does not understand why this upset me so much.

So a simple discussion about food turns into a horrible world-war-3-type argument. I am no way innocent and blameless in this, as my temper is horrible, but is definitely provoked by his unkind way of talking to me.

Anyway, thinking about this I came up with the theory that either he is a complete nasty arse OR that he is missing some sort of link between words and feelings (either what caused them or their effect). He is kind man in general, but has big problems expressing how he feels and gets angry instead.

While investigating on the internet (as you do) I came across alexithymia. Is anyone else together with someone like this? Am I just too sensitive (one of his theories)? Or is alexithymia a viable explanation that I can work with?

For instance: our 8 week old son was very unwell with a bug, hospitalised for 4 nights. DH, the baby's daddy, didn't visit. He didn't even phone me to see how things were. Not once. The baby was on tube feeding, oxygen mask, was heading to HDU - nothing.

This kind of thing is 'alarm bells' to me too.
FFS. I know how me turning up to a sick/worried relative and saying (while staring sideways/down) "It's very clean in this hospital. Here I brought magazines." might not make me the most effusive person ... the same of the kids I work with. But I've met few who would just ignore it.
If he's functional enough to have a job/family, this is a lack of consideration x1000.

squizita I agree with you that not all people with AS are affected in the same way.
And I think that's the reason why some people like yourself manage to learn nuances of language and others struggle much more.
You also have to bear in mind that the OP's case is someone who has NOT being diagnosed with AS (if he is indeed on the spectrum) so has no reason to make a special effort about it or have an awareness that it's his interpretation that is wrong rather than the person in front of them that is difficult to understand/follow.

My DH is using a lot of put downs and sarcasms esp when talking with the dcs. He seems not to know any other way to express 'You shouldn't be doing that'. I have pointed that out to him but just as dc2, he doesn't seem to 'hear' the nuances in his own voice. He genuinely doesn't get it.

And you have his reaction when things get though. He just freezes. Think rabbit caught in the headlights type of expression. He doesn't know what to do. Any question is met with a 'I don't know' and then a blank face and not a word (easily seen from the outside as stonewalling btw). And he just carries on as if nothing had happened.

Now this way of 'keeping going and not looking phased out by things' was one of the qualities that attracted me to him. He looked like a rock. Someone who was keeping his cool head whatever the situation. I though it was great!
Except that what it actually is is more of 'let's keep going as if nothing major is going on because I have no idea how to deal with it'. So it means that work is happening, meals are cooked, clothes cleaned but the child who has big emotional issues is brushed away ('But he has nothing to be stressed about! Why are you saying that these recurring headaches are due to stress?? he is just fine and playing up')

Devere I am sure you have some good experience of autism.
But maybe you should be careful not to rubbish other people's experiences of autism too. Clearly we all have different experiences, some of us as being on the spectrum, others as NT living with someone on the spectrum.
Because we are all different and our partners are all different, we are very likely to see a vast array of behaviours, some of which you won't have seen or experienced.

eg my dc has very little issues with sensory stuff (he actually feel very little) but it doesn't mean that all people on the spectrum are like this. We all know that the sensory issues can be huge.

Last post !

The one thing that jumped out from the initial post of the OP is the fact that she is getting very angry herself.
If her DH is on the spectrum, I suspect that that sort of reaction is likely to make things much much worse as her DH stress levels will go up and he will even less able to deal with everyday issues.

if your intention is not to hurt someone, you would look at your own actions, not just tell the other person they got it wrong.
This is true but very hard to do for someone who lack theory of mind, ie is struggling to himself in someone else shoes and 'guess' how they will feel if they are doing X and Y.
I remember reading a blog from someone is an AS/NT marriage. Someone with AS commented on her post saying 'it was all rubbish, that it was others that didn't think right and why on earth should he make any effort at all when they were so clearly in the wrong'.
Inability to see the other pov, seeing tings in black and white and the very natural tendency to think first that you must be right (AS or NT!) means that even when my DH tries to look at his actions, he won't see he has done something wrong. He will do only after lots of pointing out from me in unstressful situations. But of course, that will be many moons after the event.
Of course, this would be different if it was a situation he knew well and did something wrong, knew it and refuse to acknowledge it.

Davinci, how do you cope with that, though?
He has now said he is shocked by my response describing how I felt about his behaviour, but goes on to do more of the same with a bit more explanation. In other words, it still does not stop, and I feel the same.
I am going to read the adult diagnosis thread. But generally, I think even if it were the case so much damage has been done to me, that it is immaterial. It makes me very sad, though.

Okay, apology for the hijack, I too hope the OP has found something useful.

How do I cope?
Well at some point I didn't.
Then I got very clear of what my boundaries are, what is important to me, what isn't and what I cope with.
I worked on the important bits. I found that it worked better to state my feelings when talking about other people rather than saying 'when YOU do this, I feel like this'. I repeated and repeated and it sunk slowly.
We worked together at ways to reduce stress and anxiety.
And I learnt not to react with him as I would with NT people (that's the cognitive empathy we were talking about before).

I think it can work if the AS partner can accommodate enough of the non negotiable things. And if the NT partner can accommodate enough of the non negotiable sides of AS.

Yes I hope too that the OP has found some bits in there to help clarify things.

Thank you.

As I said already, I had no boundaries. All the things you say, I have been working on after the marriage. The marriage just kind of swallowed me up.
I am going to read up, anyway, to see if there is anything which helps.
Thank you again.

ds has high functioning autism. he has more or less learned to control it when in school. however, you can still see it in school in a different way. He also refuses to speak to other people when out and about, so although the worst behaviour is at home, there are repressed behaviours elsewhere.

if your h has ASD then he would also be experiencing difficulties out of the home too. it is too easy to put being an arse down to ASD when it is just being an arse.