why am I so bloody angry?

[kidsndogs]

XH left me 5 years ago for OW, i was happy about it after the initial shock (he was EA and controlling) Moving forward i'm in a wonderful relationship with a good man but i'm still so bloody angry. I occasionally browse FB i'm not on it personally (i know i know) XH appears to be happy and it makes my blood boil, i just cant seem to let go of the crap he did to me fgs why?

I think it's completely natural.

I did it with my ex and my god he was a bastard - even the Facebook stalking like you.

One day though you will wake up and there will be clarity and calm. The anger will just disappear and you'll feel nothing. Maybe a bit of pity for the loser.

Thank you for the reply. I am kicking myself for the stalking it always sets me off. By the time he was bored with me i had agoraphobia an eating disorder and panic attacks, I've battled and beaten them all and he swanned off into the sunset and is playing happy ever after (i want to kick things but DP is asleep and he needs the rest).

You've done brilliantly, so think about that, concentrate on your DP and don't let him drag you down. I know it's easier said than done, but if he's still influencing your emotions he still has some sense of power over you. Honestly you'll wake up and be like 'what the fuck was I thinking even being angry'

It took me a year or so. I still stalk on the odd occasion but it's more like 'aw bless poor sod' rather than 'I WANT TO INFLICT SERIOUS PAIN ON THIS MAN'

Don't kick things it just hurts you more

Ok ok i will scrap the kicking stuff . Really just wish i could get a grip and stop doing this to myself I really do have a good life now and yes i am proud of myself for the things i have achieved (i start a new job next week too!). These rages just feel so unhealthy and pointless just wish i could stop. If i cant kick stuff perhaps a little swearing?

He may be happy, but I wonder how long it will be before the OW realise she made a mistake??

Anyway, NOT your concern. You are very happy, yes?, with your new man.

Just think how much better you are now.

Save any glass bottle etc for the bottle bank and each time it goes clunk! that is you punching your ex....

Do step away from FB. It's just digital scab-picking and it'll keep you stuck in a miserable past. If you're really struggling to stay away and if it's starting to affect your ability to enjoy real life, then you may need to seek counselling or treatment to help deal with the obsession.

Yes, avoid FB! What people post on FB is the edited Disney version of their lives. Arse XH would appear to be happy with his Sugar Mummy new wife, but I know from dd that his step-daughter hates him, and there are ishoos with other step-child. I was, (and still am, a bit) angry at his fuckwittery, but it's getting better. I am also doing the Freedom Programme, highly recommended on here.

As another MNer said, 'When you reach the land of meh, you are free' :)

Don't pay any attention to FB, it's all fake and false and has sod all to with reality and the day to day slog of life, is just folk who are insecure trying their hardest to give the impression their life is just fantastic.

Maybe you are angry at what could have happened? You say you have actually landed on your feet, but maybe subconsciously you think to yourself, but what if I hadn't? He caused it all and left me to suffer by myself and it could have turned out very differently for you.

Also, maybe you are angry at all the wasted years and destruction of your personality.. I think once that innocence and naivety has gone, it can never be replaced and that can sometimes make us unhappy.

Thank you all for the posts. Yes i agree FB is a waste of time probably one of the reasons I no longer bother with it. roland your last comment certainly struck a chord with me, I am furious that he stripped me of who I was, I always felt that he was in to breaking strong women, and he certainly did that to me and I didn't see it until it was too late and my trust is destroyed. Luckily my DP knows everything and has been my rock. Hopefully the land of "meh" is not too far away

Surely any relationship is how TWO people interact. There seems an assumption on MN that any man moving on with his life will treat the new woman the same. Not true. Most EA relationships are mutually abusive, or at least become so. Quite often when you meet new people the dynamics change, because the relationship and person you or the ex is dealing with is different it has a chance to be good. Im sure your ex thinks that you dealt him shit and if he knows you're happy will wonder how as will assume you are the same with new bloke as you were with him.

I don't know why, but women seem to harbour this hope almost that the ex's new relationship won't work, that the new woman will see the man as the twat that you thought he was so that it affirms you were right, and the breakdown of your relationship was all his fault. If his new relationship is successful it makes you question more what went wrong with you two. After all he may be proving that he is capable of maintaining a loving and good relationship. Tis makes you look and question yourself maybe? That maybe you did have some input into the breakdown of the relationship after all.

Best to look at it that you were not good together, although there maybe nothing wrong or abusive about either of you when you are with other (more suited) partners!

It is well recognised that men move on more quickly from a bad relationship.

Reading with interest.
My ex was EA and plain spiteful a lot of the time. I honestly don't know why I put up with it

The problem was that now I can look at it more objectively, we weren't suited from the start. I loved him and he used me basically until someone he considered 'better' came along.

Then came the sabotaging of our relationship - the picking fights, the gasslighting, the cruel comments... Whilst I, like a fool, made excuses for his piss poor behaviour.
So magiclife while I see what you're saying, I think my part in what happened to me was not kicking his nasty arse to the kerb at the first gigantic red flag.

OP, it's a process. I'm 16 months down the line, and I find it comes in waves. He's been really insulting and disrespectful to me recently (we still have contact as we have a DS) so it brings it all back and I get the rage again!!

I too am waiting for the 'meh' moment!

'Most EA relationships are mutually abusive, or become so' ?
Evidence?

I assume you are male Magic....unless you were in my marriage, I don't think you are in a position to comment quite frankly.

If someone is emotionally abused, I doubt they then sit back and play nicey nicey. If you're on the receiving end of that treatment its a fair bet that at some point you retaliate, or at least do something which the other party considers to be EA, such as withdraw. There are enough threads on here to suggest that very often both partners accuse one another and its a case of what came first the chicken or the egg. Or that they both became abusive to one another in different ways

Parsley, of course I wasn't in your marriage, but that does not leave me in no position to comment.

No evidence then?

Evidence? Am I Supposed to come up with a 3000 page case study? I read a thread here recently entitled "when emotional abusers accuse partners of being EA" It seems common.

Undoubtedly there are cases of genuine one sided emotional abuse, but we rarely get to hear the other side of the coin unfortunately. It seems a bit odd that a great many of these terrible EA people go on to form happy and successful relationships as the OP would suggest??

My ex actually admitted I did nothing wrong magic.
Of course this was when I discovered his affair and it all came out

Is it wrong for someone to stand up for themselves? Or maybe they should just remain passive in case they too are accused of being EA?

Trouble is withdrawal is also supposed to be EA in itself! So someone emotionally abuses you then you can either stand up for yourself and be accused, or withdraw and be accused. I suspect that every single relationship that has arguments then one party accuses the other of EA. We have to label everything these days. If these threads are to be believed virtually every single relationship involves "emotional abuse". Virtually every behavioural pattern has areas which can be interpreted as EA. Silence, raising your voice, confrontation, withdrawal, too much sex, too little sex. I am not belittling genuine cases, but there are just too many who claim emotional abuse at the drop of a hat.

Is magiclife on glue?

I take it then TITD that you don't agree there are just too many cases of claimed emotional abuse to be credible??

Magiclife, you are making sweeping statements which you cannot verify.

Your statements are contrary to research on the topic of abuse, and the experiences of people on this board.

The OP here asked for support. The relationship breakup left her with serious health problems. This is not normal after a relationship breakup where there is just a problem with 'dynamics'.

The OP does not have to question herself that "maybe you did have some input into the breakdown of the relationship after all."

Emotional Abuse is just that. Abuse. It is very psychological and can be hugely damaging. And to suggest to women and men who have been on the receiving end that they were, in essence, abusers too is complete bullshit.

Op I had an ea ex husband. It's only thanks to a manic bipolar episode that I ran away and got out! I couldn't care less if he found some poor woman to inflict himself on, but I still get very bitter that he saddled me with a huge amount of debt which I accepted at the time to get out of the relationship. I should not have done so, but I wanted out so badly. Most of the time I'm OK with it and pragmatic (and it's under control) but I do think sometimes too I let the bastard get away Scott free. He had a huge house, pension, etc and I didn't ask for any of it.

I will move on, perhaps when I am organised financially and it stops having an impact on my wonderful now dh and my family. But until then I think I will always have a bit of rage on the odd occasion. I too, am searching for the land of meh :)

I can relate to how you feel, people say there is karma out there, but it is not as simple as that, is it? I had a client rip me off for 5,000 pounds and there was nothing I could do about it and I would look her for years afterwards hoping to see her get her comeuppance and no, she seems to be sailing blythely through life without a care in the world. It is enfuriating and obviously nothing as bad as the resentment you must feel.

But life is kind, you have a good partner now and soon after she ripped me off I got loads of excellent new clients who pay me way over the odds.