why am I so bloody angry?

[kidsndogs]

XH left me 5 years ago for OW, i was happy about it after the initial shock (he was EA and controlling) Moving forward i'm in a wonderful relationship with a good man but i'm still so bloody angry. I occasionally browse FB i'm not on it personally (i know i know) XH appears to be happy and it makes my blood boil, i just cant seem to let go of the crap he did to me fgs why?

"Am I Supposed to come up with a 3000 page case study?"

That would be a start, yes. Given that apparently your only evidence so far is another MN thread that it sounds like you have totally misinterpreted.

The whole point about emotional abusers accusing their spouses of the same is that it generally isn't true. It's a tactic to wrong foot the victim. Same as bullies accusing their victims of bullying them.

Perhaps women are lead by society to see themselves as the 'happiness makers' in a relationship/family so that when the DP is abusive or leaves the woman is left with a feeling of failure even though it was entirely the DP's doing.
This leads to wishing an unhappy new relationship for the ex to prove to the woman that she wasn't a failure (in her role of happiness maker) but it was all him.
So perhaps society is to blame for these feelings.

If you're an abusive person you will always be without acknowledging that and finding help. The OP seems to think that her ex is now in a happy relationship which would indicate that if he was EA he has either sought help and has been able to sustain a new relationship because of that or that the abusive relationship was due to them not being right for each other. Don't think thats an unreasonable assumption to make. No sweeping statements at all, in fact just the opposite, I acknowledge that of course there are EA out there, male and female. I have read dozens of threads on here that claim EA but when you start reading its anything but. It seems to me that on MN there is a ridiculously high proportion of failed relationships claiming EA. Even lawyers say the same, its getting to the point where virtually every divorce quotes EA. Reading MN virtually every relationship breakdown is due the man being EA, and I question that, especially if many of these supposed EA men then go on to have happy and successful relationships.

especially if many of these supposed EA men then go on to have happy and successful relationships.

Do they though go on to have happy and successful relationships? I mean the majority, and in the long term. Or is possibly that an emotionally abusive person, short term, in a new relationship, finds it fairly easy to hide their true selves? I am not saying no single emotionally abusive person can change, of course they can. But I also think it's fairly easy for emotional abusers to hide their true selves, especially in new relationships.

Perhaps he is happy and his new partner is just completely controlled and abused as well? Point is, magic life, you have no idea and making ridiculous statements such as "most abusive relationships are mutually abusive" is totally unhelpful.

When I was in an abusive relationship, I was definitely not abusive back. I was too busy tiptoeing around the bastard and trying to anticipate his anger

Well magiclife will say you were enabling with your tiptoeing around dollius.

It's wrong to make generalisations but it's good to have different views.

I'm sure I could have come up with occasions when my DH would have been described as ea on here and me advised to LTB. Marriage, especially with growing DCs, goes through many phases and after 35 years I feel I have experienced them all at some point eg me mild pnd, Dh young workaholic phase, difficult teens, good time financially, bad times financially etc etc.

I'm sorry but I really do not feel i was responsible for his actions in any way. The only thing I am guilty of is loving the bastard, trying very hard to make it work, walking on eggshells, trying to make him happy, and not leaving him the first time he abused me or cheated on me (there were others besides her).

Magic, I do understand what you are saying and, to some extent, I agree.
However, you make no allowances for the fact that in many cases, it really is a case of one person being an emotional abuser and the other suffering.
This shouldn't be a big shock to you, it happens from nursery school up, in the form of bullying.
Bullies don't necessarily bulky everyone. They pick out people to bully. And the person they bully can be completely innocent, but for some reason, the bully wants to pick them apart and wear them down.

Dozie, with the benefit of hindsight, do you think it was worth sticking it out?

I think its entirely normal - though people are perhaps not always honest about it.
It really is not easy to mentally erase someone you married, lived with, spent years as a partner with - perhaps even had children with. Even if they were emotionally abusive.

The inclination does decline with time.

Totally agree with you enjoy he was a bully, I moved to a different part of the country and even though he was living with OW by then he still found out roughly where I lived and drove down every street until he found my car because i refused to give him my address, then messaged me that he was outside. When my son informed him that my DP was a 6ft 3 black belt i never heard from him again.

Kids, :o

I had a similar scenario where I was getting about 30 nasty texts a day, I had asked him to stop contacting me, I had stopped responding, it went on and on. Funnily enough he never did it again when during the next handover (after the dcs had gone inside), my very calm, very gentle, 6" taller than XH, blackbelt, dh told him that if he texted one more time we would go to the police, it all magically stopped.

I was present and heard every word, and the tone etc.

Of course XH complained to others that dh "had threatened him". We just pointed out that when he said "threatened", he meant "threatened with the police for harassment".

Bullies are so often cowards. Funny how he wasn't willing to square up to dh the way he would square up to me.

I suppose the key difference between the abuser and the victim, is who is scared. When XH terrified me, wouldn't let me walk away, screamed in my face etc. he would laugh if I shouted back.

Do I think XH felt I was abusing him? No. I know he didn't. He found it amusing if he got a response out of me. It was part of the game. Did he accuse me of abusing him? Yes. Does he deny everything? He has admitted and apologised to me for abuse. He has told me I did nothing wrong and that he behaved appallingly. He has also denied everything and accused me of doing all the things he did. He has ishoos.

And when I doubt myself, I remember that I'm not the only one to have seen his true face. There are more than a few people who think he's a sociopath. He is oblivious.

He now has a much younger dp, and whilst they appear happy, I genuinely hope that that continues. I hope that he never does to her the things he did to me, and that he pretends to be the "nice guy" forever. And he will. So long as she never disagrees with him. I fear for her.

It's a tough one. I still get angry at times. I want karma to be real. I want justice, but that's not going to happen. Bullies do it because they need to control, that rarely ends well.

It does get better. Time helps. Distance helps. Minimise any necessary contact. Have strict rules in place.

And be happy :)

The OP seems to think that her ex is now in a happy relationship which would indicate that if he was EA he has either sought help and has been able to sustain a new relationship because of that or that the abusive relationship was due to them not being right for each other.

She is basing this purely on stalking Facebook. Which is hardly an accurate snapshot of his life. Perhaps he is deliriously happy to have found another woman to belittle and abuse. So it's hardly fact is it that the relationship is sustainable?

You also have no idea so what's the point in saying something like that? Because she should forgive him? If my X had sought counselling and was now living like John the Baptist I would never be able to say `ohhh good for you and I'm so thrilled you have found a lovely lady to speed your recovery' Time has passed and I'm certainly hardly ever think of him any more but I would be strolling past whistling if he was on fire for the eight years of hell he put me through.

I have read dozens of threads on here that claim EA but when you start reading its anything but. It seems to me that on MN there is a ridiculously high proportion of failed relationships claiming EA. Even lawyers say the same, its getting to the point where virtually every divorce quotes EA. Reading MN virtually every relationship breakdown is due the man being EA, and I question that, especially if many of these supposed EA men then go on to have happy and successful relationships.

The OP is not asking for your opinion on whether she facilitated this abuse, but how to stop the emotional involvement thinking he got away with hurting her so badly in the past and that karma does not, according to the Facebook oracle, appear to have caught up with him (and op honestly it's just stopping yourself from still being tormented by him even now. He has no more power over you and you're worth so much more than that).

For every relationship on mn that ended due to EA there will be so many more where one person is in great suffering and unable to end it. You seem to base your arguments purely on what you have read on here which is hardly accurate and refusing to show evidence as to your assumed higher proportion or that both parties are involved and legions of lawyers feel the same. I would be interested to read the articles and statistics on this.

Oh and XH wasn't just EA, but the EA was by far the hardest bit to get over.

fuckyouchrisandthathorse bullies really are quite pathetic when you begin to examine their behavior aren't they.

This post really has made me sit down and examine the way i am feeling, and i am beginning to see i'm not as angry at him as i am at myself!

I was an idiot, i didn't see what he was until it was too late i was doing great had my own house car and a rewarding job and i lost everything and ended up living with my parents for a bit in my 40's fgs!

I thank god we never had children together my boys are not his they are now great guys and doing well i am very proud of them.

I wasted 16 years trying to make it work and i am so angry at myself and i need to forgive myself for making a mistake.

I was lucky life is good now i just need to stop being angry at myself and move forward.

Oh yes, the anger at self!

I gave up my career to follow his! Ended up in crap office job after crap office job, whilst his career blossomed (helped along by my schmoozing his bosses etc).

And I kept trying! Madness.

It was only when I finally said, "look, I'm not happy." And he said, "so what? I am." That I finally realised there was no hope.

How did it take me so long?!

I look back to our first month together and think, "why did I even put up with him then?!

I wasted 15 years (and sadly dcs too), on a complete idiot.

I wouldn't look twice at him now (I have grown some self esteem :o )

But he's the good bit: you're not with him anymore. I'm not with mine anymore. We did eventually leave. And now we can live.

It's normal to regret. But we tried. And we tried to make it work. But we are free.

And I never have to see his stupid face over breakfast, ever again.

*here's the good bit - really not "he's", oh the irony :o

O yes i am so glad i am free.

He is in my opinion well past his sell by date, physically repulsive, crude, self absorbed, wankbadger (god it felt good to say that i should do it more often)

I am well rid.

Best typo ever, FuckYou!

kids, I occasionally look up my ex online, simply because it's jaw-dropping to see his descriptions of himself. Apparently he's deeply committed to social justice and human rights and respectful dialogue. It's hilarious when compared to his actual behaviour.

:o clearly I'm repressing my love for him and it's causing all sorts of Freudian slips.

'Fraid so, Fuck. Speaking of which, when looking at Threads I'm On, I can't see the line breaks in my last posts, so it looked like I was addressed FuckYou!kids. WIBU to take this as a new user-name?

Not unreasonable at all :o

In fact, I'd take it as a sign that you must!

I really should, if only for the rare occasions I post on parenting threads.

He's not happily, he's still himself. Maybe therapy managed to curb some of his worst behaviours, who knows, but people that emotionally abuse others really struggle to think normally and because all their actions are all about them and part of a manipulative strategy, they'll never achieve true happiness. I hope you reach the next stage of meh soon!

kids that's exactly it. Anger at oneself. I mean I said I'd never let myself be in a situation like that, I was far too smart and self-respecting to ever let a man reduce my self esteem and worth to nothing. But there I was. I get angry that I wasted eight years of my life on that trash and I was too stupid to get out. I think I've moved on a bit from feeling like a total dumbass but the regret that it took me so long to get out will be with me a long time. I left in early 2011.

Your X is living in a delusional universe. You can bet he's not changed and thank god you have moved on and have a much better life now :) not that it should matter but I bet the fact you are so together and happy now would stick in his craw.