I have so enjoyed reading this thread. I too thought I was in a mutually abusive relationship. That is to say, I withdrew but my husband accused me of abusing him by that very act of withdrawal.
For me the truth of it was that I found pretty early on that discussions or arguments were not allowed to be ended until he had 'won' the argument. This would entail following me from room to room, smashing down doors, smashing up furniture and thumping holes in walls. There were just too many occasions when the argument was purely about the need for a new toy or a hobby. I learnt pretty early on not to admit to wanting something because, sure as is eggs is eggs, that something would get sabotaged, including my desire for children.
So yes, out of lack of feeling loved, I withdrew, emotionally and physically. At the end of our marriage he accused me of EA by ignoring him and staying out of his way. Chicken and egg is a very poignant comment that Magic makes.
However, since our break up, despite my ex being deliriously happy in his relatively new relationship (just a few months) he has continued to bombard me with accusations of jealousy, spite, emotional instability and has continually attempted to embroil me in his new relationship which I have no interest in. I don't have young children so there is no need to be concerned about the other person and how she treats my child. My child is almost an adult and sees it for what it is. I am validated in my feelings when my child confides in me that they feel bullied and manipulated by their dad too. Bullying and emotional abuse, not much between them really is there?
The thing about bullies is that they are normally the first to accuse others of bullying them.
Emotional abuse can be so incredibly subtle. Isolating one from friends and family by insinuating that those friends and family are against you and making you feel the only person you can trust is your abuser. That is a classic and one that I have suffered over the years, more aggressively since our break up, but very subtly throughout our marriage.
Sabotage of anything that might have enabled me to be more independent (making my working/domestic life balance so difficult for me it resulted me in giving up jobs). Does that ring any bells with anyone? If it does, and you weren't sure you were with an abuser, think again. I've done a lot of work and a lot of soul searching and I know where I stand on it now for sure.