Unhappily married and in love with another woman?

[samnam]

I have developed strong feelings for my sisters friend. I knew the minute I met her that she was going to cause me grief. I am married, I'm 40 now and met my wife when I was 18 and she was 22, I was working away from home and she seemed like a safe refuge for me at the time, then after only a few months of dating she fell pregnant and I married her. I knew in my heart then that it wasn't what I wanted but I felt I had to do the right thing by her. She was a great mother and my responsibilities made me focus on my career and I worked hard to provide a good home for my wife and children. I am fond of my wife, she is a decent woman but I don't love her. She is very conventional and doesn't read, she isn't interested in politics, the arts, music etc she likes the x factor, the soaps, going to benidorm, reading trashy magazines and the daily mail.

When we got together and I got her pregnant I didn't know who I was myself I was just a kid. I feel I did my best to try and love her, to make it work and I've always been faithful to her but when I think of my life just always being with her, never really knowing what love is like it depresses the hell out of me.

In the past I was always able to push my feelings aside because I would tell myself that there wasn't anyone else anyway but that as changed too.

This friend of my sisters is amazing she is 35 and gorgeous but she has her own style she's very arty, has a masters degree and is very well read and can talk about anything. She is so switched on and I want that, I want someone who is mentally alive and curious, I want that so much.

I think maybe she likes me too, or at least she picks up on my loneliness and is responsive to that.

If I could wave a magic wand I would be free to ask her out but stupidly I had stayed in my marriage even though I knew it was a shadow of what marriage should be.

I don't know what to do, the time has come to tell my wife how I feel, I am sure she must know on some level how I feel. Perhaps she won't even care?

What should I do?

No actually I take that back. I would kick him to the kerb and then become the fiercest of cougars, dating young men all over the place myself, until I found one worth keeping.

HA.

Neil and dolicapax, couldn't agree more!

It's a lot easier to be gorgeous and fabulous and cultured when you aren't raising the children and keeping the home of some man who doesn't even appreciate you.

I used to read three books a week... I wrote and published a novel ffs... then I had a child. I hope my DH doesn't decide I'm too plain and tired for him when I'm 45 and I've finally finished wiping his children's bums.

OP, divorce your wife and set her free to be loved by someone else. And realise that your OW will one day also be old, tired and not quite as sparkly.

Reverse psychology ? Very well played.
I do not agree with the others who are commenting on ending things, when he has not even dig in to find out what his wife want or not.

On top of it all. The wife may or may not have worked enough in the career aspect and had her own aspiration settled. So if he leaves her, then she can be in a worst state too. Without closure. (What went wrong with my life.) Without career ladder boost up and to find herself. How can her dignity as a person be suddenly taken away ? And does the children want to see their mother like that too ?

I also do not agree with the suggestion of this kind of "pick n mix" kind of lifestyle too.

So what, is this the kind of suggestion that the others are advocating ?

• Had children. Have to make the children learn how to be "adult" and pretend that this does not hurt, or to expect them to white lie to you to keep you happy too ? Make your children choose, and pretend that it is okay and not dare say a word about these kind of things ?
• Had to let the "carer" deal with the children and the aftermath ? So this person will always be "mum" ? What about her own life ?
• A "wife" who can spiritually, and emotionally connect with you til you die ? But what about caring for you when you are old ? Or to connect with you and have a happy family ?

If I am honest, I was one of these child who was not wanted and her parents were also not in love too. Now I came to realise that it is so typical, but it took me a long time to figure out that the two different personalities of my parents made a combined effective workable team. But I also know that my mother's saving grace is actually to be closer to her siblings, and this grounded us all. 4 children. In my parents generation, they did not get an education. So they put their own hopes onto someone else. Their children. Then in my generation, and I remember my father mentioning this which is that, I should indeed have an education so that I can also choose love. He said exactly "choose love, and not to marry for money". Even my grandfather and grandmother were the more compatible couple too. I think theirs were true true love, because my grandfather even when he was ill, he still took care of my grandmother, even when she had dementia, and she still needed to be looked after in the old people's home. They reached their 80s.

The only modern day "hero" is Will Smith. And his wife and his ex wife works bloomin hard to get "validation" and "social approval" in order to get praised for being "decent", but has anyone ever thought about that, life is real, and it is also not a fairy tale too ? Adult "happiness" is not a fairytale book also. You still have ties, blood ties. I do not understand this approach of "if you are not happy then you can excuse yourself", yet we are supposed to be adults, and supposedly make GOOD choices, and BE role models for our own children. "If you are not happy and you cannot get what you want, even when all the choices in the world is at the palm of your own hand, then leave and walk away to preserve yourself."

If I am being honest, I really couldn't also bring myself to advocate the above and also say "please do consider her happiness, and also your happiness too", when in reality, and I won't beat around the bush, there shall be massive fallouts. Even if you can bear it. Or pretend it is not happening. If your children loves you, they will white lie. If your own family loves you, they will also white lie.

I just want to say that, I absolutely does not agree with what Will Smith had done for his own family. Even though it is none of my business. Maybe people like these kind of things "because they can relate". But in the real world, your families will be hurt, as will your children, and the new person will also be a stepmother, and what if she want children too ? Have another child, and can you afford to ? You only have a set number of years in this life time. Maximum 80. Spend it wisely. Your birthing years are only in your 20-40s. And yes, "life has no take two". We cannot displace our wrong doings onto another person, wiping the past, cos it goes into our own hearts. So protect your own hearts, and others too. That is the most honorable thing in life.

OP - ''I'm more than prepared to make the break for her''.

Leave, definitely. Set your wife free.

Be making the break for you, not this fantasy you've built up around the other woman. Her sensing your loneliness is not an indicator of romantic feeling from her. Probably allot of people, of both sexes, pick up on your loneliness. Your declaration that she is 'the one' sounds immature and that you are grasping at romantic dramatic reasons to leave. OK in itself - many of us have had a catalyst for making a decision. As long as you do right by your wife and see this for what it is.

You sound like one of those blokes who huffs and puffs and sighs and laments that life is passing them by while placing the blame squarely on the shoulders of the significant woman in their life and never quite finds the gumption to make the changes they claim to want.

On the other hand I don't believe in staying in marriages when you are unhappy or you just don't want to. You only get one life and you should make the choices that ultimately make YOU happy. You should try your hardest to alleviate the distress of those affected,

I'm not sure which category you really fall into.

My god! This man's experience sounds exactly like mine. Literally everything he has said. Its actually kind of spooky.

I chose to stay with my wife and have two more children after getting her pregnant when I was 21 and she was 24. She is a good woman and there are things about her that I do love. I chose to rub along even though I wasn't happy because I thought that a gentleman puts the woman's needs first. I hate the thought of breaking her heart. But I have met someone that I truly adore. In fact I have known this other woman for as long as she has been alive. She is 24, I and 37. She had a crush on me for years and I pushed her away because I thought it was the right thing to do. But secretly, I love her very very much.

I am not asking for advice, I know that I have to be a man about this and put my own feelings aside. But I cry myself to sleep.

Do the decent thing and respectfully leave your wife ( if there is such a thing)

Your children are grown and if you want to find happiness for yourself, you deserve to go look for it. However, if your youngest is 16, perhaps don't break up your marriage in the middle of the their exams.

You are rewriting history as you e got your eye on someone else. Men don't leave without another option.
Just don't insult your wife when you leave by telling her there's no one else and you have never loved her.
Just admit you are a 40 year old cliche and although you may not believe it the way you feel is nothing special. And don't screw her over financially when you leave.

Can counselling help me to love a women I never loved? I am not rewriting the past on this I made a big mistake when I was young and while I don't regret my kids for a minute and she is a 1st class mum to them our marriage was a mistake.

What a sad cliche. Everything was good enough not to change a thing until you had lined up someone more interesting/new to move with...

Zombie alert!!

My first marriage was the reverse way around to you, I left after 9 years , I married very young to a very handsome lad and what suited at 19 didn't suit at 28, do the right thing and leave for yourself not because of someone else, your wife doesn't deserve that

Do some soul searching that if this friend wasn't interested would your life be better no longer married to your wife? Don't take a leap based on this one person.

Then decide when to talk to your wife, decide in advance a rough plan re living, finances and children before going into the conversation in case your wife asks questions but don't bombard her with these unless she asks. I would suggest a short conversation and suggest a specific time to follow on, she may be blindsided or may have expected it.

Only once you are single do you pursue this friendship with the 35 year old. So much pressure otherwise. Stay friends for a time before suggesting a date. Do bare in mind that she not be interested romantically. Best of luck

Your poor wife having to put up with you and your condescending attitude towards her.
Wth makes you think the other woman really fancies you, she could just be being kind she's in for a bloody surprise with your attitude ?

Shit zombie
😡

There is a lot to be said for letting your kids see you choose happiness.
You have form for doing things with integrity, because doing the right thing must have formed part of your reason for marrying a pregnant girlfriend that you knew you didn't love. So do this kindly and fairly, and step into the unknown.

If this woman is " the one " there's no rush.
Best of luck.

Talk to your wife about this. Shes your wife so she deserves the respect of you speaking to her about how you feel.
I dont think you should stay in your marriage but i do think you should have the decency to do the right thing and end it properly. Dont have an affair. Have a frank discussion with your wife.
You dont love her and she deserves to know that so that you can both move on with your lives.

oh ZOMBIE THREAD

I haven't RTFT. Your OP is about ok-ish till I read you say your wife read Daily Mail. 🙄.
So: she raised kids and did all around house and for you and kids while you were growing intellectually. How did that happen? I would last about one hour with someone who reads Daily Mail.
How long have you not been on sexual terms with your own wife? And who stopped taking interest first? No. once a year is NOT sexual terms. Again, I would last about a couple or two months with someone who, for no obvious medical or physical reasons, can't have or won't try to have sex with me.
And, last but not the least, why is this new woman the catalyst? You found someone else of child bearing age who would be young enough just as your wife is about to enter the horrid menopause?
You know, this is all sorts of fucked up-ness on your part.
If your wife has not been growing up with you, surely you would have found it LONG before your youngest turned 16?

Damn! It's zombie