Unhappily married and in love with another woman?

[samnam]

I have developed strong feelings for my sisters friend. I knew the minute I met her that she was going to cause me grief. I am married, I'm 40 now and met my wife when I was 18 and she was 22, I was working away from home and she seemed like a safe refuge for me at the time, then after only a few months of dating she fell pregnant and I married her. I knew in my heart then that it wasn't what I wanted but I felt I had to do the right thing by her. She was a great mother and my responsibilities made me focus on my career and I worked hard to provide a good home for my wife and children. I am fond of my wife, she is a decent woman but I don't love her. She is very conventional and doesn't read, she isn't interested in politics, the arts, music etc she likes the x factor, the soaps, going to benidorm, reading trashy magazines and the daily mail.

When we got together and I got her pregnant I didn't know who I was myself I was just a kid. I feel I did my best to try and love her, to make it work and I've always been faithful to her but when I think of my life just always being with her, never really knowing what love is like it depresses the hell out of me.

In the past I was always able to push my feelings aside because I would tell myself that there wasn't anyone else anyway but that as changed too.

This friend of my sisters is amazing she is 35 and gorgeous but she has her own style she's very arty, has a masters degree and is very well read and can talk about anything. She is so switched on and I want that, I want someone who is mentally alive and curious, I want that so much.

I think maybe she likes me too, or at least she picks up on my loneliness and is responsive to that.

If I could wave a magic wand I would be free to ask her out but stupidly I had stayed in my marriage even though I knew it was a shadow of what marriage should be.

I don't know what to do, the time has come to tell my wife how I feel, I am sure she must know on some level how I feel. Perhaps she won't even care?

What should I do?

I dont understand why he is being castigated for realising that some two decades later, he really has nothing in common with his wife? He hasnt cheated on her. He has felt a spark of attraction that has stirred up feelings and made him question his marriage. Thats not a crime. Oh, to be perfect like some of you!

OP, you need to be honest with your wife. Dont have an affair or 'leave her for someone else'. That isnt the right thing to do and you must realise that. You could end your marriage now with some dignity and, although it will be hard for everyone, there is a possibility of a happy ending for all concerned. If you cheat now, you are going to create a terrible mess.

I think you have had some really good advice here. Thinking back on the past year, I would have been so much better mentally if my ex had been honest. Instead, he fudged the issue by pretending it was our marriage etc that was wrong all along. I asked all our friends later on (who unsurprisingly, most have stayed my friend instead of his despite me NEVER asking anyone to take sides...) and not one agrees with my ex's view of our marriage. I know no one knows exactly what goes on inside a marriage but he had never complained to any one of them about our state of marriage TILL he met OW.

I would have him to get angry at instead of over-analysing what I did wrong in the marriage. Though I would admit that I am not perfect and we did lose sight of us towards the end, I still think we could have worked it out if he hasn't chosen to have had his head turned instead. So be a good man and do it right, though I agree with many of the more insightful ones on this thread, you are already talking yourself out of your marriage to justify a possible new one. :(

He has felt a spark of attraction that has stirred up feelings and made him question his marriage.

However, he IS considering leaving his wife for someone else. He HAS post-rationalised his wife into some uncultured, xfactor watching eejit. He has (possibly) post rationalised his marriage into something loveless, boring and unhappy - one of the most hurtful things to a woman left behind is that the good times are ignored, forgotten like they never happened. There's plenty of men who've done all those things. (Luckily, I am not married to one of them. I am not bitter).

I think it's fair enough to tell him those things aren't on.

I'm interested - do people think it's bad to do what OP suggests if you're not married?

I ask as I met my DH when I was in a 4-year relationship, which I left for him. It wasn't going v well anyway, but still.

I think some PPs are massively projecting onto you, OP. He has, as of yet, not done anything wrong, bar marrying his wife twenty years ago for the wrong reasons. He has not had an affair, he has provided for his family, he has tried to do what he thought was best for his family for over twenty years. Now he is questioning whether or not he should remain in the marriage because he, as far as I can tell, has actually felt something and wanted something for himself, instead of for his role as Father or Husband.
For those of you laying into the OP, can you imagine what it must be like to live every aspect of your life only because you feel you must? For twenty two years? I feel for you OP, that must be so numbing. I'm sorry you have found yourself in this situation.

My personal opinion is that you should leave your wife, regardless of the other woman. She may be 'The One', if you believe in 'The One', she may just be a catalyst. A relationship is supposed to make you both happy, and you are clearly unhappy in your marriage. Your wife of course deserves your utmost respect and you should be careful and kind with how you tell her and how you handle the situation. She has given up a great deal to be a 'great mum', and this will probably shock and hurt her more than you can imagine. If she reacts badly, you owe it to her to treat her well, and as I say, with respect. But in my view, most of all you owe it to yourself to be happy and live, instead of fulfilling duties for the rest of your life.

Just to add another voice to the chorus saying 'End your marriage first. Then think about a new relationship'. Trust me, it will be a whole lot less messy and painful (not to mention honourable) that way. Affairs are weak, often coming from a fear of loneliness- but they cause such immeasurable grief and pain that they often end up becoming the loneliest relationships of all.

I think you are mismatched with your wife and unhappy. That would be the case whether there was someone else in the picture or not. You need to gather your courage together and end things cleanly on those grounds, making provision for the kids and visitation. Give yourself time to deal with and process such a huge life change - not just for the sake of any new woman, but for your family.

(Not projecting by the way, have never been in this situation)

Of course wanting to leave unhappy marriage is not wrong, and yes, op has every right to be happy.

But I have no sympathy for him 'suffering' through 22 years as he felt he must

If that's true, he's taken the chance away for his wife to find someone else, as well as his own.

If it's not true he's rewriting history as others have said, and writing off all the happiness his wife has given him.

I dare say he's NOT been feeling like this for the WHOLE 22 years though.

I agree entirely that no-one should live in a relationship that makes them unhappy, but this man is making the same noises as one asking permission to go ahead and cheat.

He should leave his wife, and for himself and himself alone.

This other woman is completely and utterly irrelevant, and is only a distraction. No decent woman would appear remotely interested or 'like' a married man 'sensing his loneliness'

She could be looking to have an affair with a MM and that is a total life-fuck. Not worth the pain it will inflict on everyone.

The way I read it, although I am always prepared to be wrong, was that he was surprised by the pregnancy at 18 and felt obliged to the right thing, unaware of what making that commitment would actually mean- who at 18 can envisage the rest of their life? And let's say he didn't feel this way twenty two years ago, say he only realised he didn't love her at 25? 30? That's still an obscenely long time to be unhappy and just going through the motions.

I agree with those who say he denied his wife the chance to meet someone who really loves her, in this respect he OP HAS wronged her. He probably felt at the time that he was protecting her and the family, in his defence. I don't believe he did it maliciously, I don't think he has done any of this with any ill intent, but he was wrong in this respect. I also agree the other woman is irrelevant.

I don't think he should be spoken to like someone who has had an affair, he has NOT had one, and I don't think he wants to. I am inclined to think he wants Mumsnet to tell him he's not wrong to leave his marriage. He is thinking of his wife and family because if he didn't be would not have posted here, he would have just done it on impulse.

Grumpy

I get what you are saying about him not having had an affair, but to me and many others it does seem like he is trying to give himself permission to contact this woman. I read it like he wants to get in touch, see if she is indeed interested in him and only then leave his wife.

Thats wrong. Utterly wrong. If he is unhappy then leave, but what he is trying to do is line up the replacement first. He doesnt need to have sex with her to be betraying his wife, he is one small step away from an emotional affair and I think he posted on here in an attempt to justify what he is planning. As others have said he is rewriting history to fit what he needs to be the truth, regardless of actual fact.

Thats why I posted above that I am wary of the "Your wife deserves better" comments because I can imagine him using them all to his wife to excuse his behaviour.

If he wants to end his marriage then he has every right to do so. He does not have the right to be organising his new life behind the scenes while his poor wife has no knowledge of what is going on. He isnt giving her the chance to work at their marriage, he isnt giving her a chance to try and engage in the pass times he enjoys, he isnt giving her a chance to deal with their sex life. He is however making sure he has all of that in the next one, while leaving his wife broken hearted and confused at what the hell went wrong.

Maybe I'm in a very unique situation then.

I did marry someone I didn't love. But, on reflection, I didn't really realise that at the time. I also knew that he didn't love me. And I did know that at the time. We just both thought that we could make it work anyway. We treated it like a job. For many years, we also 'rubbed along nicely'. There was no love, no passion but, until the frustration turned into EA on his part, there was no reason to leave either. Neither of us was discontented enough to end it. We were both scared of the alternative, neither of us wanted to be the one to end it...

So we stayed together until I discovered hid affair. That seemed like a valid reason to end it.

Hi OP, I've namechanged to answer you for anonymity.
You sound a bit like my DH who was 'separated from but in the same house' as his XW when we met. I was in a terrible place and we got together far earlier than we should have done. I suspect by MN standards I will be considered an OW and I am ashamed of what I've done (I've name-changed, after all!)
That was 3 years ago. His children are still distant with him and I don't have any sort of relationship with them at all.

He too would have described his now XW as you are describing your wife, and it's true, she does like things like X-factor and gossip magazines and is not particularly well educated. And I do have an education and a profession and like going to the theatre/concerts/read widely, etc. But you are attaching a value judgement to these things, which is very easy to do. Your wife isn't bad for liking those things, but you (and us at the time) have bought into some kind of snobbery about them. I don't think my DH really knew who he was, and because he didn't have time on his own, he probably still doesn't. Whereas I was in a dark place, where I was doing things I despised, and it has taken a year's therapy to get to a good place within myself. As for DH's XW and DC... I don't think they are even in a place to want to feel better. A very great deal of hurt was caused.

Just think about it, OP. There are no simple answers here - even if it feels like there are. Use this as a sign to make the right changes. And then wait for the dust to settle where it will before seeing anyone new.

I absolutely agree with everything you said and I'm not trying to make it seem like I'm giving him the green light to have an emotional affair or any affair at all! Without a doubt, trying to make anything happen with the other woman before his marriage is over, legally and emotionally, is wrong, as you say. This point has been made many times on this thread. I said what I said because many PPs were rude and unhelpful to the OP, for example, telling him he will end up in his undies in a bedsit eating beans if he leaves his wife, which none of us can know to be true and is just emotive, designed to make him feel pathetic.

As the vast majority on the thread have said, the issue is with the marriage, the other woman is essentially irrelevant. I think (although I am reading a lot into it now so I could be talking out of my arse!) that he is 'in love' with the idea of her rather than the actual person, and she 'represents' a life he could have had.

I feel that he has been on the receiving end of undue criticism, bearing in mind he has been faithful to his wife and family, he's supported them financially and ,as far as I can tell, done the best he thought possible given the circumstances. Perhaps I am being too lenient, I don't know. I've assumed a lot so I don't have a lot else to say until the OP comes back and confirms or tells me I've made the whole lot up! I'm not trying to give him excuses, I just don't think he's a bad person because he doesn't want to be married to his wife anymore.

Ooh sorry, last post was for Bogey

Sam I wonder if you are being entirely truthfully about your freind ?

I think it's highly unusual to consider leaving your family for a platonic friend , where nothing has happened and your not even sure how she feels about you . Most people don't let go of one vine until they have a firm grip of another. I think you are possibly being less than truthfull about your relationship with this friend , because you are far too invested in her, can see no faults , and your convinced she's perfect for you. I think if your relationship has progressed with her you need to be honest about that.

For what it's worth this is my take on it. Your friendship with this woman is inappropriate and highly disrespectful to your wife and children. She is not a friend but an intruder who lacks boundrys and decent morals. When you are divorced , and you have lost the relationship with your children , your friend will not lose any sleep over it. You lack appropriate boundrys and have invited an intruder into your marriage. It sounds like your wife is now the enemy and is in the way of your fairy tale romance.

No disrespect but you sound like someone who is deep in the affair fog , you sound besotted. Often what feels like love is simply dopamine , read about it before you lose everything. The rewriting of history , never loved my wife is also fairly typical. I don't believe you have stayed with someone you don't love for all these years. I also think it unlikely your wife has never had her head turned by someone.

're your marriage . There's two of you in it , which means that you are at least 50 per cent responsible for the state of it. If the worse you can say about your wife is she doesn't read and watches rubbish telly , I think you are really scraping the bottom of the barrel to find fault with her.

Be nice if the op came back but he seems to be an 'hit and run' type of poster which is frustrating.

I do not believe you would just stay in a marriage for twenty years unless you really did love your wife at some point. The start of a new relationship is always an magical time and I am sure you are properly craving that.

Nothing physical has happened yet which is good, if you want leave your wife then do it! but don't have an affair, think of your children.

I do think people stay in marriages without love for AGES though.

Imagine if the OP were a woman and were posting 'You know, I really can't stand the sight of DH any more. We have nothing in common. We got together really young when I fell pregnant and he's never really grown up. All he wants to do is to play football and watch sports with his mates. I can't discuss ideas or any of my interests with him. He's nice enough, but I find him annoyingly trivial and shallow, and I don't want to spend the rest of my life in a relationship like this. I recently met a man, and while nothing at all happened, it made me realise what I was missing in my marriage.'

Would we be advising this woman to stay, because she loved her DH underneath? I doubt it.

If you are having sex once or twice a year, and it isn't because you both have low sex drives or some issue that you have communicated about, then there is every chance that your wife is far from happy herself. Factor in your totally different interests and that there is not much to talk about, and it's not hard to imagine that she notices this too.

I think it's time for a very honest conversation. Ask her if she is happy. When she says yes, ask her again.

I genuinely believe that staying with someone out of duty, or pity, or responsibility is unfair to both parties. You have spent 22 years with a woman you are not madly in love with, out of a sense what is morally right. Your motives are right, but living a half life is no life at all. It is better for you both to be free to be with partners who truly are right.

Would we be advising this woman to stay, because she loved her DH underneath?

Nobody is advising him to stay if he is genuinely unhappy. What we are saying (and would say the same to a woman) is to be sure that he is genuinely unhappy and if his marriage really isnt salvagable. If he really does feel that he wants out then he should do it because his marriage is over and not because this other woman has tickled his fancy.

I am concerned that he has read far more in the other womans feelings than is really there. They havent discussed anything, yet he thinks that she "senses his loneliness". I think he is part MLS and part crush, and would not tell a woman to throw away a marriage of 20+ years on the basis of that.

MLC not MLS

Reading over the opening post again, I feel desperately sad for, and angry on behalf of, your bloody wonderful wife!! She sounds fantastic, yet you describe her like you would a puppy! You are FOND of her, and she gave you some kind of companionship which you felt you needed.

Yet your post lights up when you talk about this other woman, and I just feel so cross that the woman who supported you, made so many sacrifices (you didn't say that, but of course she has), gave birth to your children and raised them (no doubt beautifully), and looked after the home, is not the one to inspire such thrall and awe.

End the marriage - and I say that not for YOU, but the for woman who deserves better than a middle aged man who pines over his sister's friend.

So, hmmm, your wife got accidentally pregnant at 22, and has spent the last 22 years caring for your children, your home and I suspect you.

Little wonder she hasn't had the time for a Masters, or the luxury of reading, or cultivating an arty persona. This other woman, I'm guessing has had 35 years to pursue her education and interests, and become this magical creature you desire. I'm also guessing that deep down she is no better than your wife, and in the same circumstances might well grab a trashy magazine to read in preference to a weighty tome, what with being totally exhausted after yet another day at the grindstone looking after everyone in the family but herself

However, all that aside if you are unhappy in your marriage and virtually never have sex it is probably in both your interests to sit down and have a full frank conversation about where you both want to be in a year's time. She might surprise you. She might be hugely relieved to get out too. After all she also married someone she had barely got to know after an unplanned pregnancy, and you might not be her Mr Right either.

Augh I don't know what to think about this apart from "she has wasted the best years of her life on you and now you're going to trade her in for a younger model"

I mean come on. All the posters saying "she deserves someone who loves and adores her" well of course she does, we all do, but do you really think she is going to find that at this stage? Age 44 with three kids in tow?

Sorry it's just that I see my single forty-something friends all lonely and on their own and having the absolute worst time with online dating or meeting people because all the men our age are out looking for young nubile pretty young things, with the excuse that oh they just want to feel alive

I would kill DH if he tried a stunt like this. Leaving me to grow old on my own (chances are) having used me up and wrung me out, while he gets up to god knows what.

Would I rather be in a marriage where we were rubbing along and getting along fine, than completely alone and no one to share life with? You bet your sweet patootie I would.

Tell your DW that you no longer love her and would like to move out. By that I mean move nearby so that you can have regular time with your DD and other DCs and give them time (?months, ?years) to adjust to this horrible (for them) change.

If you realize over time that it is the best move for you, to live separated from your wife, look to make it more permanent - house/girlfriends. But don't do it the other way round, be selfish and screw up everyone else's lives whilst you seek your happiness.

Leave your marriage if that is the right thing. But please please please don't rewrite history to make your marriage into a nightmare and your wife into an uncultured slob. Its unfair. There were reasons you got together and stayed together. It may have run it's course but don't pretend the last 20 years have been a waste of time and a total misery.