Oh gosh. Ok. I cannot say that I have led the most perfect life either, but this is what I do know from my own experiences.
Ok, so I do not know if you are aware of this. To me, there are 3 actual issues that you do have to address here.
1 - your own identity as a person, your wife's identity as a person.
2 - your marriage itself.
3 - this other woman whom you think you have "fallen in love" with.
-
It is actually very rare for anybody to have "found themselves" unless their parents brought them up to be aware of their own personalities to begin with, and continued to nurture them this way. Even as adults, most people try to find themselves from their teen years to their 20s. In actual fact, our personalities are not fully developed until we are more solid into our early 30s I think. To me, it does not sound like you know yourself well, or that your wife knows herself well too. Maybe she has fallen into the habit of being mother, and that you also thinks that this work. I actually cannot believe that you disassociated your wife as a person from being "mom" to that of being "wife". It should be the same person.
-
It does not sound like you wanted "happy forever" because it was the right person for you for life, than it was a "duty", or an actual "motivation". Also, you are the 2nd person I have read online about the lack of sex in a marriage. I do not know if this has also affected you personally too. i.e. you are starting to fantasize too much and onto this woman.
There is another thread here about male/female's perception of "love" and of marriage. If you start to "fantisize" about it, then you must "want it". If you want something, then turn it into reality by making choices that leads to that reality. I am not sure if you have let go of your own "false self" yet. i.e. hero of your life/the pregnancy. But if you do not make sure and work at it by making choices in real life that align what you "think" in your mind to that of what you want in real life. You would have checked out of life already. Which is what you have done here. The question is, have you ever talked to you wife openly, and allow her to be open-minded about your marriage and work actively on this ? Not passively, but actively together ? Or did you just "did things" hoping that she took you seriously, but without her realisation? Has she also stopped listening to you too ?
-
I wonder if this woman recognises your pain is because she is of the same personality as yourself. I also wonder if this is more of an admiration or a recognition of someone with similar personalities as yourself, than it is of someone whom actually has hidden feelings for you in a loving way. To me, it sounds like you are lusting for her than loving her. Cos how can you love someone that you do not know ? You wrote here, and everything you wrote were based on admiration. e.g. "I like her style". But style is a man-made decision and conscious choice. Your wife can also wear the same style too. Do you think that the style belongs to a person ? Does that make sense ? Art, politics, these are information. We can read them, and then repeat them outwards. Have you ever altruistically asked her what she likes, rather than what she did and stood for ? It is rather rubbish to assume her as a person even without asking her about herself.
Counselling may allow you to see who you are as a person, and how decisions have affected your life. It is not going to make you love your wife more. It will make you "see" or "connect" emotionally and mentally where the various wrong decisions were, and how you can try to correct them in some ways by putting ideas forward. i.e. make a conscious decision which leads you closer to the life that you want. It does not mean rejecting what you think you currently have and will get you what you want asap by replacement. Or to make you feel entirely happy. It is a tool, and it is about self learning.
On another note, you have not had sex, and do you not think that this had been a problem all along too ? If you do not have sex, then where does your wife find her own "desirability" from ?
Simple logic: Husband finds me desirable. I go dress nicely.
So at the moment, she has definitely lost herself totally and become a "mom". But she is also a woman as well, you do realise this, right ? She also have needs too as you have needs too. She is more interested in TV, because those things are "safe" to know, because it replaces what is missing from her own life. I can tell you that, I actually have not watched TV shows, or watched movies that much for like a few years already. It allows you to know yourself well.
To me, I think you need to stop this idea of being with this other woman, and focus on your own marriage issues first. Even if it ends in a divorce, then go about the right way to it. i.e. address the specific issue in its appropriate way. Not to displace it away, or find a replacement and assume that numbing it with other things will work.
If a person knows their own identity, and that they do something which actually matches their own identities, then their eyes glitter, and their minds are peaceful and their heart is joyous. This is not an age thing.
I recommend a personality test. Find out what makes you tick and how you tick first. Even before approaching someone else. Cos to me, both of you seemed to have lost your bearings. It is never too late to change the rest of the future, but you definitely need to counsel and get the regrets come out and deal with the emotional aspect, and the mental aspect, and put a closure to that before making better choices at this moment in time.
To me, it sounds like you have been in this relationship out of guilt from the beginning. I do not know if this is admirable or whether this is naiveness. You are not that older than I, and I do not know why you did not push yourself through the heartaches of having an abortion at the time to make yourself see "sense". If you want to correct this, then correct it by being honest, with yourself, and with your partners and children, and be there for the fallout than running away finding sanctuary in somebody else. Cos why would you bring baggage into their lives to begin with ? They should not have to deal with your bad karmas as well.
I have not been in a long strung out marriage, but yes, I have been on that "rebound" situation, and I can assure you that it killed me more than I would have wanted to. I did that once, and I never want to make the same mistake again. It was almost like a self sacrificial step. Sometimes avoiding the bad from happening is almost as bad as actively making the bad deliberate choices.
I do not know much, but yes, regardless of how much pain we can cause others, the most painful thing that one can do is to let ourselves experience more pain. Walking away from the pain and going into the arms of own ideal fantasized situation will not allow us to learn the lesson. If you want to learn the lesson, then deal with the situation that you got on your hands right now, rather than to expand it and make it messier by bringing in someone at this point in time. She may be a trigger to make yourself realise where you are in life. A lot of things do this to us sometimes, and it is okay, because it is our own consciousness being aware of what we missed in life, or to correct certain aspect of our own lives. Being responsible is also about cleaning up our own mistakes too.