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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I am in such a mess please can someone help

55 replies

Cazm2 · 12/05/2014 10:41

Been with DH 17 years married 7 have 2 year old dd. I am very unhappy and also have a massive debt I need to tell DH about - he is quite rightly going to hit the roof. I ran up debt of 4000 a few years ago and it's nearly paid off at the same time I had debt from my childhood which still paying off this currently stands at 9500 and I can't meet repayments anymore without telling DH. I have very bad background childhood and didn't want to lumber DH with the debt. We are also looking to move we have a lot if equity so thinking that we can use this to pay off debt. I work part time and DH earns average wage. DH is very controlling and constantly asks about money twice daily where it's going etc. I have also for a number of years been binge eating and throwing up, I am overweight but not massively so don't really do it for managing weight. However we want more children and I can't keep doing it to myself. I feel down crying and very unmotivated I need to speak to someone I suspect or doc has suggested taking something. I feel I have let everyone down esp DH and don't know what to do for best

OP posts:

AbsentDaughter · 12/05/2014 10:43

How do you have childhood debts?

mammadiggingdeep · 12/05/2014 10:45

Are you happy in your marriage? You say he's controlling? Is your marriage possibly contributing to your unhappiness or is it other issues?

D0oinMeCleanin · 12/05/2014 10:47

If he is asking you where money is going twice a day I am not surprised you feel worried about telling him.

How has this new debt come about? Are you being frivolous or have you had to take credit to live on?

Either way it's not the end of the world. Go and see CAB, who will help you with the debt and make an appointment to see your GP.

My soon to be ex is very controlling with money, his control made it much harder for me to manage financially. You need to sit down and work out how much you need to live on and make sure you have access to that amount of money.

Debt is scary but there are organisations who will help you, no matter how bad things seem.

Lweji · 12/05/2014 10:48

What do you think will happen when you tell him about this debt?

It doesn't sound like a particularly happy marriage. You should talk to your GP about your bulimia, but it could be a sign that you have lost control over your life and are using food as something you can control.

There was a poster here who had somewhat similar issues because her husband was financially and emotionally abusive. Perhaps she could post? (if you are reading)

Original poster

Cazm2 · 12/05/2014 10:49

They were debts from my father and when I was 18 I had a loan. Yes it's a mixture of so many things we don't really sleep together as I don't feel like it most of time. My DH also suffers anxiety and OCD which he is trying to get treated hence why I can't talk to him as I dint think he will cope, I really want to get everything out and go for a clean break. We have so many issues and we can't seem to spend time together alone without rowing. We have started rowing in front of our DD which I don't want to do as I grew up in bad environment

OP posts:

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 12/05/2014 10:50

Can you please explain about that "debt from childhood"?

When was the last time you made a payment or acknowledged the debt?

Not all partners "hit the roof" when acquainted with the OH's debt. It's shocking and disappointing but not always the death-knell for a relationship.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/05/2014 10:53

I agree with the PP. There is something fundamentally wrong with your life and the rest of it.... the spending, the eating disorder, the depression.... are symptomatic. I think you do need to talk to your GP.

Your DH's 'controlling' behaviour over money would be concern except that you mention you ran up big debts a few years ago and you also seem to have run up 'massive' debts now without his knowledge. It is understandable that he asks about money twice a day if you have a history of running up debts. If you can still run up debts now, he is not in control

Original poster

Cazm2 · 12/05/2014 10:56

I am paying the debts but this is first month that they won't get there in time and I don't want to affect credit rating I can't move the amount as I am on my limits so paying interest. I fully understand that I have let him down with the no honesty but it's everything esle on top.

OP posts:

LordEmsworth · 12/05/2014 10:57

How can you have "debts from your father"? Do you mean repaying money to your father that you borrowed from him? What's your relationship with him like?

If you mean paying your father's debts to someone else, you really don't have to do that.

You haven't let anyone down, don't let anyone - definitely not your husband - try to tell you that you have.

It does sound like there's quite a lot of things going on at once - definitely I think you should see your GP about your eating and also, to help you cope with your husband's issues - that must be a burden on you, as well

D0oinMeCleanin · 12/05/2014 10:59

That's not necessarily true Cogito. OP could have ran up debts with no way of paying them because her OH controls all of the income. There's very little you can do to prevent someone from applying for credit in their name.

OP why are you paying your father's debts?

Original poster

Cazm2 · 12/05/2014 11:05

No my real father was alcoholic and now dead I haven't seen my real mother since I was 5, I grew up with foster parents and have a lovely relationship with them they all but adopted me by name. One of the credit cards is newer and ran up myself some things just to get by food etc some things clothes for my DD I expect frivolous. The other was me to live on when younger. I know I have let him down but we have different attitudes to everything. We have some savings for moving but I just always feel like we are scrabbling for money. I don't go out really or but new clothes as conscious of money. He moans about overdraft and his credit card but then is happy to buy something for himself like this month it's his bday he wanted a camera but instead of waiting for money he went and bought it straightaway on credit card then next breath moaning at me for the overdraft. We have spent whole weekend arguing as we can't spend time together anymore.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cazm2 · 12/05/2014 11:07

I don't want to effect my DD which it will start to now and as I grew up with conflict I don't want her too.

OP posts:

LordEmsworth · 12/05/2014 11:11

Please do not repay any more of your father's debts - I think it's a small point in your overall story but you do not owe that money! The debt dies with the person if it cannot be paid from their estate, you are under no obligation at all - not legally, not morally - to repay it. So that's one small bit less to worry about...

www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/dealing-with-the-debts-of-someone-who-has-died

LavenderGreen14 · 12/05/2014 11:12

So you have run up credit card debt because you didn't have enough money for food or clothes? That isn't exactly frivolous is it?

Original poster

Cazm2 · 12/05/2014 11:15

To a certain extent we have money in a joint account my wages go in and everything comes out of that my DH puts same amount in. I just don't think he realises how much things cost food etc with my DD I don't always buy basics of everything so could cut down but I do her meals and freeze and try to make sure we eat healthily too. I haven't really bought myself anything even with the one credit card debt I have run up .

OP posts:

D0oinMeCleanin · 12/05/2014 11:20

You really need to go and see CAB re the debts, you do not have repay what your father owed.

They have a money advise service too, to help you budget and can negotiate with your creditors on your behalf.

Sit OH down and come up with a realistic budget for food, clothing etc. Ask him to go and do the shopping with you if he can't see what things cost.

It is not okay for him to be able to afford new cameras while you need credit to survive. You understand this don't you? It's abusive.

Original poster

Cazm2 · 12/05/2014 11:39

Yes I do agree but I wrong for hiding debt esp when I have previous I guess he is always banging on at me about watching money but same doesn't apply to him. I just don't know how to get past it all or if he will esp with his OCD etc

OP posts:

D0oinMeCleanin · 12/05/2014 11:48

What previous? A loan at 18 does not count, you cannot hold someone accountable for things they did almost/over 20 years ago. Your father's debt do not count. Needing credit to buy clothes for your child because you do not have access to enough money is not frivolous.

Is there more to this?

All money should be going into the joint account, where do the rest of his wages go?

Original poster

Cazm2 · 12/05/2014 11:51

He keeps the rest of his wages in his account and pays for contact lenses etc he will also move more money over of needed. I guess some of the credit card spending may have been unneeded like having lunch occasionally with friends or taking dd to soft play etc. I just hate he won't listen to me re money I said move everything to one account don't run two overdrafts and also use some savings to pay off overdraft start from scratch he won't listen and it drives me mad. It's just one of many problems

OP posts:

LavenderGreen14 · 12/05/2014 11:59

I think you are using OCD to excuse his behaviour and that is clouding your judgement - would it be possible he is financially abusing you?

Why are you paying a debt which is so old and belongs to someone else - if it is not in your name it is not your problem is it?

Original poster

Cazm2 · 12/05/2014 12:12

They are in my name and one if the credit cards is mine. I just know when I tell him money will be even more controlled and the relationship will be at bottom

OP posts:

MatildaWhispers · 12/05/2014 15:05

When did your eating disorder start? (Any time around the time your husband became so controlling? )

I posted under another name about issues with eating when in a controlling relationship. I found that I controlled my food when I felt I had the least control in my relationship. It gave me a false sense of control to focus on food though.

Are you sure you want to have more children with him? Are you not concerned that if you do it would be harder to leave him?

He certainly sounds financially abusive.

Original poster

Cazm2 · 12/05/2014 15:23

My eating disorder started about 4 years ago but gradually getting worse. I stopped when pregnant and was probably at my healthiest. I can't really blame the fact that he is money controlling on running up another credit card can I? That's me isn't it? I briefly mentioned how low I felt and he said if I went to docs for anything then I would move out. I have to tell him about debt otherwise I will jeapordise credit rating which will effect me long term. I think in part his OCD has made me so unhappy like with food he has to eat healthy as worried and anxious about illness dying wtc therefore I feel bad about anything I might eat

OP posts:

LavenderGreen14 · 12/05/2014 15:26

He said if you went to the doctor you would move out?? Why?

D0oinMeCleanin · 12/05/2014 15:31

You can partly blame him if the reason you took the card out was to buy essentials you knew you'd have to fight him for/would not be allowed to buy. Yes, you should have put your foot down instead of taking out credit, but it's understandable that you didn't.

Spending on lunches out/soft play if you don't have the ready cash available is not ideal though, do you have any access to spare money for hobbies/lunches? Does he?

You need more control over the finances, although after reading thagt he will move out if you seek medical help (wtf?!) maybe you should just let him move out. Would you honestly be any worse off on your own?

How/why are your father's debts in your name?

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