I am in such a mess please can someone help

[Cazm2]

Been with DH 17 years married 7 have 2 year old dd. I am very unhappy and also have a massive debt I need to tell DH about - he is quite rightly going to hit the roof. I ran up debt of 4000 a few years ago and it's nearly paid off at the same time I had debt from my childhood which still paying off this currently stands at 9500 and I can't meet repayments anymore without telling DH. I have very bad background childhood and didn't want to lumber DH with the debt. We are also looking to move we have a lot if equity so thinking that we can use this to pay off debt. I work part time and DH earns average wage. DH is very controlling and constantly asks about money twice daily where it's going etc. I have also for a number of years been binge eating and throwing up, I am overweight but not massively so don't really do it for managing weight. However we want more children and I can't keep doing it to myself. I feel down crying and very unmotivated I need to speak to someone I suspect or doc has suggested taking something. I feel I have let everyone down esp DH and don't know what to do for best

You do need to establish how much of the debt was for essentials and how much was for non-essentials, but you also need to establish how much personal spending money both of you have. It's not fair if he has much more spending money than you have, just because you are at home taking care of the children and the home.
Sure, you should have been upfront and demand a more equitable division and tell him about the expenditure, but could you do it without him getting angry?
If you were in an equal financial footing, I'd agree that you were to blame. As you are not, you have to address why you ended up in debt.
I bet he has savings, while you have to go into debt, and I doubt you have been buying lots of expensive useless stuff.

OP I read it that the whole of your income goes into the bills account, he matches that amount which in total covers your bills. Then he keeps the remainder of his salary to do with as he will.

You have some old debts which you will take advice on, and have more recently used a credit card for essentials which weren't affordable from the 'bills' account.

He controls the finances and thinks that it's fine for you not to have any spending money, and has failed to allow space in the budget for clothes for your DD or for sufficient food.

He is now telling you 'your' debt is not his problem and you need to sort it out yourself despite having no disposable income.

Does that sum it up?

If so I'd question what a good dad he is. If he refuses to engage on this I'd seriously consider diverting your salary into a bank account in your sole name. But ultimately I don't think money in itself is your real problem

Yes big area that's it shortened I can understand the anger as I have lied and hidden from him, but yes the rest of his money he does as pleases if we need more money depending on what it is it will go into the account I obviously earn less as work part time. We are not in bread line but not rolling in it either! My eating disorder has probably come snout because of our marriage, due to his OCD and snirxty he goes on about what I eat how much exercise I do etc as worries something is going to happen however this has sent me the other way! I am overweight and the purging is not sure what really? I feel really ashamed of the debt however I think it's something we could work through together it sounds daft but I really don't wish to involve my parents in any of it. I feel my marriage is my problem. He feels he can't be expected to take it all on by himself and I have to talk to my parents. I just can't do the silences , shitty comments and atmosphere at home. Tbh even though I am wrong with the debt I feel angry as I was hoping some support might come through , I now i am walking on eggshells

The whole thing sounds very unfair on you. DH and I pay into a bills ac - I work pt so he earns more, but we've done it so that we each have a similar amount left over to play with. We also budget for weekly 'pocket money' although I've just given up work for a few months so I am now keeping personal spends to a minimum and he is subbing me as such. When we met he had debts he was repaying so I paid more into the pot to help him. So it's been swings and roundabouts for us and we support each other. I think that's how it should be tbh

You are not the first SAHM, or working pt mum, that it happens to. Husband giving an allowance that doesn't cover all expenses with children and your personal expenses (you know you are allowed those...) but him keeping a lot for himself, in savings accounts or spending in frivolous items.
This is financial abuse.
You can't spend what you need and tell him because he tells you off.

I think you need to calculate how much he earns plus you, how much should go for essentials, how much you both want to save and how much each should have (equal) to spend as they please. Or separate. You will end up with more money and I bet no debt.

Meanwhile, get legal advice.