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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am in such a mess please can someone help

55 replies

Cazm2 · 12/05/2014 10:41

Been with DH 17 years married 7 have 2 year old dd. I am very unhappy and also have a massive debt I need to tell DH about - he is quite rightly going to hit the roof. I ran up debt of 4000 a few years ago and it's nearly paid off at the same time I had debt from my childhood which still paying off this currently stands at 9500 and I can't meet repayments anymore without telling DH. I have very bad background childhood and didn't want to lumber DH with the debt. We are also looking to move we have a lot if equity so thinking that we can use this to pay off debt. I work part time and DH earns average wage. DH is very controlling and constantly asks about money twice daily where it's going etc. I have also for a number of years been binge eating and throwing up, I am overweight but not massively so don't really do it for managing weight. However we want more children and I can't keep doing it to myself. I feel down crying and very unmotivated I need to speak to someone I suspect or doc has suggested taking something. I feel I have let everyone down esp DH and don't know what to do for best

OP posts:
MatildaWhispers · 12/05/2014 15:55

You need medical help though. Why would he try to stop you accessing support?

I wonder if he is afraid of what you might reveal about him if you opened up and got some help?

hellsbellsmelons · 12/05/2014 16:07

The more you write the worse it sounds.
I think you should contact Citizens Advice and see what they can do to help you with your debts.
Also contact Women's Aid. Tell them your story and they can advise if this is an abusive relationship or not.
Ignore your DH regarding the GP. You need to get medical / professional help. So make sure you do just that.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 12/05/2014 16:52

No wonder you feel under stress, this must be such a burden to drag round with you. I can't see how you can be culpable for debts from your DF, how long ago was this?

As suggested ^^ please consult Citizens' Advice. Trying to juggle everything and keeping things secret is doing you no good at all. If you are liable to repay then a charity like StepChange Debt Charity (formerly the Consumer Credit Counselling Service or CCCS) can help you sort out finances, it is not-for-profit so all your money goes to your creditors.

You are fearful of his response but investigate solutions and present him with "This is where we're at but here is how things can sorted out". Once he knows you won't be paralysed with that fear inside you, as much as you are now with him in the dark.

A reason to do so sooner rather than later is if there is a move in the offing ,you have to open up and clarify what the situation is to DH or he will be mentally spending what he thinks is coming your way.

If you had a gambling habit or spent freely on extravagant treats that too would be a problem - possibly isolating or embarrassing -but on a different scale. Here is something that can't be avoided but it is not insurmountable.

Original poster
Cazm2 · 12/05/2014 17:42

Thank you I don't think it is unmanGeable debt if I told him we could sort out payments. He says we should be able to sort out problems ourselves and just to snap out of it but same can't be said for his OCD. I tried getting him help for that but is half effort I would really like to make a go of marriage but I don't know if there are too many issues to sort out. We could also use some savings to pay off bit of debt but that would leave no money for moving costs but if I suggest anything to do with money it's not listened to

OP posts:
LavenderGreen14 · 12/05/2014 17:47

what is the debt from the childhood all about - is that in your name too?

catwithflowers · 12/05/2014 17:51

I'm sorry you are struggling. Aside from the subject of money, you say in your opening post that you want more children. My first thought on reading this was that neither you nor your husband are in a place where it would be fair to have another child right now. You sound very unhappy.

Original poster
Cazm2 · 12/05/2014 18:26

I think your probably right but age is against me, I do love DH but I wonder if there are too many issues for us to get past. I do all the cooking most of the cleaning and shopping too some through choice but mainly as he has busy full time job, he is excellent father to DD but I don't know how with his issues another baby would help. I think some of solutions is to sell to get some of equity to pay se if debt but our advisor said sometimes not the best idea. We just seem to have lots to get out of the way we also have a holiday in 3 weeks with my in laws it's just making me feel sick

OP posts:
Original poster
Cazm2 · 12/05/2014 22:51

I couldn't pluck up courage tonight it has to be tomo I feel so stressed about it I don't even know how to start conversation

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 13/05/2014 10:11

Sit down and write out what you need to say to him.
Tell him you need to talk to him and he needs to listen.
He mustn't interrupt you until you have finished.
Then start at the beginning. Just like you did in your original post.
His response will be all you need to know about your relationship, and how much does actually love and respect you.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 13/05/2014 10:15

I'd see Citizens' Advice first, then you have something constructive to add to your information.

Original poster
Cazm2 · 13/05/2014 10:21

Thank you hells bells I think it might be the way to go, I need to get it done and start to decide what to do with my life as it can't carry on it's just getting worse

OP posts:
Original poster
Cazm2 · 18/05/2014 11:02

Well wed night we had a long chat and I told him everything he is very hurt- understandably regarding money. We haven't slept properly and he won't sit down and go threw the money. He doesn't want to help me with money side as I have been in a mess before, he has said I have to tell my parents ( they are fairly well off) and ask for loan and help. I really don't want to do this. I am paying interest on the cards as can't move them. Spoken to our advisor who said best bet to use equity to pay and start a fresh, we are looking to move anyway but I can't sit down and talk this through as DH won't. Our holiday is 2 weeks and I cAnt contemplate going or how to proceed. I know he can't trust me but I thought we could work through this together. I have been to doc regarding my eating issue and he is arranging support. I am more unhappier than I was before as I have ruined my marriage and affected my dd

OP posts:
FabULouse · 18/05/2014 12:24

This reply has been deleted

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Lweji · 18/05/2014 12:49

What Fab said, and I think you need to reread this thread.
Do not let him continue to treat him like a child in the relationship.

LavenderGreen14 · 18/05/2014 13:14

you have gone into debt because he won't let you have enough money to live on - and he expects you to get your parents to clear the debt?

This is so many shades of wrong - and is definitely not your fault. I wish you could see that and get the heck away from him.

pissedglitter · 18/05/2014 13:52

He is financially controlling you
This is abuse
Please seek help

Isetan · 18/05/2014 14:10

OP, just stop the stress of keeping all the balls in air has made you ill (EA). I know that telling your H about your debt seems like the worst thing to do at this moment but pretending just prolongs the agony. Tear off the plaster and accept that even if he refuses to acknowledge it, your relationship with this man has contributed to your situation and is dysfunctional. What type of relationship do you want with this man; honesty, respectf, kindness etc. If those are some of the characteristics you want, can you honestly see this relationship delivering them. You EA and credit card debt are symptoms of your unhappy relationship. Tackle the root of your dissatisfiaction.

WildBill · 18/05/2014 16:03

Sorry you feel so bad at the moment.
You do have to tell your husband about the debt as being married to you he is liable for it too. He will hit the roof so brace yourself for an almighty row. Then visit the CAB and start to sort out your finances. Facing problems head on is the best way.
Also make a docs appointment and tell him/her everything about your eating. Problems are too serious at the moment to entertain the notion of more children so forget this for now.

LavenderGreen14 · 18/05/2014 16:25

no he isn't - if the debt is in your name only he is not legally liable at all. But morally, I would say he was.

WildBill · 18/05/2014 16:32

Are you sure? I've had a friend who's hubbie ran up debts behind her back, left her and she had to pay them off, she wasn't aware of them, hadn't signed anything............If I'm wrong apologies OP.

LavenderGreen14 · 18/05/2014 16:37

must have been in joint names for her to be liable.

WildBill · 18/05/2014 17:00

Not so - it was a huge shock to her to find the mess he had left and she had to take on extra part time work to pay them off.......

Original poster
Cazm2 · 18/05/2014 19:07

Thank you as per wed I did tell. Please don't get me wrong some of the debt is symptom of me overspending and being unhappy and I fully expect him to be hurt about the lies and not trust me. However the eating etc is you are right a sign of my unhappiness. I just can't be treated like shit for weeks because of a mistake I made I was hoping we could talk through and find some solutions. He is now saying he isn't sleeping at night through worry about money, we can pay repayments albeit with intetest. He has told me I have to tell my parents everything or he will as he can't cope with all of it on his own. I really don't know how to move forward esp for my DD. I feel very alone even though I in part caused this problem

OP posts:
Peonysandblueglass · 18/05/2014 19:14

First breathe. This isn't life or death and there is help.
Theres a great, free 12 Step Programme called devtors anonymous which might help you get to the root of your problems with money and even your compulsive and disordered behaviours around food, I would reccommend this. Good luck just take 1 day at a time, you Will get there.

Peonysandblueglass · 18/05/2014 19:14

Debtors