Divorce damages children terribly

[Onmyownwith4kids]

I thought I 'd post here as this is a comment I've just read on another thread written by someone who's been lucky enough to be happily married for decades. I'm in the process of divorcing my 40 year old husband who's on holiday at the moment with his 27 year old girlfriend. He would have stayed with me if I'd shut up and let him get on with his affairs. I admit I'm struggling. It 's exhausting bringing up 4 children alone and working full time. Comments like that bring me down so low. My children don't seem damaged. They're laughing, happy and doing well at school. But will they deep down as the poster claimed be affected forever by this?

Bragmatic, I know exactly what you mean about 'damage'. What an offensive phrase! And yes, what does it mean? How do we quantify it? My dad died when I was very young, my sibling died when I was a teenager. My mum remarried, our step-family wasn't an easy one and there were many emotional things to work through. Do I consider both me and my siblings to be damaged? Bloody hell no! It no doubt changed us, upset us, shaped us, affected us. But the word damage when used in this context of parents not being together somehow implies 'beyond fixing or difficult to get over' and I just don't think this is fair. Families have to endure all kinds of things, not just divorce or separation, and it shapes us, for better for worse, and does affect our resilience. Maybe some couples do throw the towel in too early, who knows, who are we to judge when we haven't walked in their shoes?

However, I think in circumstances such as the original poster has described, it is awful the level of guilt mums are made to feel, the way society threatens us with 'damaged children' if we dare leave unhappy marriages. As many posters have put, by taking their children out of unsuitable environments, they are in fact doing the very opposite of damaging their children and are showing great love, care, foresight and putting their children's welfare at the very top of their list.

I've been following this thread with interest, as am (yet again) working up the courage to ask my husband for a separation. What keeps me hanging in there? The children. Today dad has been wonderful, happy, playful, calm, helped them with their homework etc. In the week, he was name calling, unkind, stressed and miserable. I do know ultimately I will have to make a decision for me but gosh, when I think of the 'damage' I could be doing.....

Hope this makes sense, trying to type with interrupting kids never makes for the most fluent of posts but I felt strongly about this and wanted to chip in!

It's not black and white. It depends on many things. Seperated parents who use their dc as pawns cause incredible amounts of damage but that's not the divorce perse more their inability to put their dc first.

Of adults on here the ones who said they are glad their parents stayed together until they'd left home had parents with seperate bedrooms and seperate lives but co-parent together and resided together in a positive manner so again no secrets/lies going on - no pretence that the marriage was something it was not.

So IMHO divorce doesn't damage children it's how it's handled.

Fidelia you are doing a wonderful job. I know how your children feel and that is just what they need.

Sorry, meant also to add, my niece is brought up fantastically well by her divorced parents. When together, they were so toxic and absorbed with their mess that the poor girl was completely overlooked. As soon as they separated, it was like a veil lifted and they both became focused, considerate parents. My niece is a well adjusted, lovely young lady. I think she, and her parents, would find it very offensive to imply she was 'damaged'. People judge too much.

Listen, I feel exactly the same as you op. suddenly get waves of fear that my beautiful children will be 'damaged' because I decided I couldn't continue to be emotionally abused, let down, put down and cheated on.

Three examples I always use to calm myself:

1. very sadly I know a friend whose husband was murdered by a stranger over a row in a pub. Horrendous. He left behind two dc aged 3 and 5 and my friend was 16 weeks pregnant. All 3 are beautiful, intelligent, 'together', warm, kind individuals 7 years later. They survived losing their dad in a manner no child should have to know about.

2. my lovely, amazing mum who has bought 5 of us children up and had a fantastic 45 year marriage to my dad went through her parents divorce in the 1950s. Not only had no other couples in her life done this, in a time when divorce was rare but it was her mother who walked out on her and her siblings aged 11. She can remember neighbours but talking to them because her family was 'broken'. My mum is about the strongest, kindest must together woman I know.

3. I have a really close friend who as an only child was witness to a pretty awful divorce of her parents aged 7. Her mum cheated on her dad and she was actually taken to secret rendezvous as a child. She has 4 dc now, a successful loving relationship and we all jokingly refer to her as Mother EArth as she has embraced family life and motherhood much more naturally and easily than we all have.

When u think if the varied backgrounds of some of the closest people to me have had and how lovely, kind and successful they are in work, life and relationships I think of my dc and KNOW they're going to be ok.

Op- have faith in yourself as a mummy and have faith in your dc. You'll all be fine...more than fine, you'll be great.

When XH left my abiding worry was how it would affect my DC and so I made sure I did all the right things even though there were times I found that soooo hard to carry out

Four years on they seem fine although have issues with the ow and blended family stuff

No question that had we been happily married they would have preferred that than our divorce and all that has entailed . However we weren't happily married and he left and whilst it may not feel ideal I don't see them as damaged.

I agree with Bertie earlier and frankly looking at some of my friends good marriages and their parenting I foresee damage for their DC too for a whole host of reasons. XH has loving parents who have been together 50 odd years but it hasn't stopped him being a damaged screw up.

Tooyoung I'd like to hear more about these 'damaged' kids you work with and doubt very much their problems result purely from divorce.

I think every mother wants to give their children a wonderful childhood, but despite our best efforts, troubles arise and part of the education we need to give them is teaching them how to surmount them.

I think adversity in childhood has its place in strengthening us for adulthood.

Mexican, yes, you're totally right. Eloquently put. It tues in with my previous post on the troubled childhoods I describe and the amazing adults those children became

• it ties in..

Lots of things damage children. When you're at the point of divorce you're looking at the outcome that is best for all parties surely (which if the adults can't be happy together and are fighting etc. is surely divorce).

I saw things growing up that would have curled your hair. They didn't damage me. I am not replicating them.

Some more innocuous things though, they did damage me and I am seeing repercussions years on in the way I act, but it seems like 'divorce' is trotted out as a huge evil when there are many and varied ways to damage a child. I doubt most parents avoid all of them, even if its as simple as avoiding passing on your own neuroses / fears / phobias.

XH has loving parents who have been together 50 odd years but it hasn't stopped him being a damaged screw up.

Same with my exh and his parents, all four of their children had acronomious divorces instigated by their children.

Tulip, my dad was and is a lovely man.

My mum was a genuinely good and well loved person. I adored her, she's dead now. She left my dad essentially because she'd married the wrong guy. I was very upset at the time but when I looked at my parents 10 years later, separate, and happy, I'd think:how on earth did they ever get together?? They were completely mismatched.

Had she stayed for our sake, and been miserable, I'd be riddled with guilt, and no doubt slightly 'damaged', whatever the fuck that means.

My parents divorced when I was 6 and I'm perfectly fine.

My sister stayed with her bastard partner for years after he'd had (and continued to have) an affair. She stayed for the sake of their children (good intentions and all that) but they were far more damaged by her doing choosing to do that. She eventually left their dad when the children were 5 and 8 and it's the best thing she ever did - for herself and the children.

Good morning. I write here because I am very very sad. My daughterinlaws who I love but don't like her behaviors decided to have an affair! To cover up her affair she was telling everyone that my son abused her. They were both ver verbally abusive to each other. She is now living with this fella and says the children don't want to see us or even talk to us! We have a wonderful relationship before this. We spent evety other weekend with them went on trip with them. It has been over a year that we haven't seen them. The courts say they can't do anything about it as they are older. What should I do. I love and miss them so much!

Sadgrandparent, I think you need to start your own thread. This is a zombie thread (one from months ago) & it's not really about the same subject as your problem. You will get a lot more responses from your own thread.

I was damaged by my parents living in the same house fighting and shouting and being unhappy.

I was not damaged by the separation.

People who say this are idiots. Even if they personally were horribly damaged by a divorce, not every divorce is the same, not every family is the same.

Sorry didn't realise this was a zombie thread!! Silly me

BIL and SIL have a terrible marriage. BIL has countless affairs and tries to pick up women in front of SIL.

She thinks that their divorce would damage the kids, so she stays with him, but all I and everyone else sees is her increasing desperation to keep his attention. It has a terrible, terrible affect on her children who can read the signs a mile off.

Her 16 year old daughter has learnt that she is unequal to men and will really have to work to get them to notice her and to keep them.

Haven,t read the whole thread so this may have been mentioned but maybe her marriage is not so hunky dory behind closed doors and she is defending her own reasons for staying.....

DS has been a LP child since 6 months. He's pretty well-rounded and balanced.

Let's face it, life is tough for everyone and we all have experiences that can damage us to an extent.

Living in an acrimonious household growing up has to be up there as a major candidacy I reckon. And one that has major implications for your own future relationships.