Divorce damages children terribly

[Onmyownwith4kids]

I thought I 'd post here as this is a comment I've just read on another thread written by someone who's been lucky enough to be happily married for decades. I'm in the process of divorcing my 40 year old husband who's on holiday at the moment with his 27 year old girlfriend. He would have stayed with me if I'd shut up and let him get on with his affairs. I admit I'm struggling. It 's exhausting bringing up 4 children alone and working full time. Comments like that bring me down so low. My children don't seem damaged. They're laughing, happy and doing well at school. But will they deep down as the poster claimed be affected forever by this?

I found as a child of divorce what upset me was the financial hardship, and the one parent I had being at work all the time, this was before tax credits and when we had very high interest rates. If felt like loosing both parents. The one that was left was at work all the time, when they were home they were sorting the house stuff and dating, I felt abandoned.

My parents split when I was 2, I don't think it damaged me.
It definitely damaged me less than growing up with an abusive, cheating gambler would have done.

OP in your case your sons and daughters are learning that people have to treat those they love with respect, that all people are worthy of respect, and that no one in a relationship has the right to be totally selfish and have whatever they want. Also that actions have consequences. Both your sons and daughters would have been damaged if you had stayed with him, and been a door mat.

Divorce can damage but I dont think its the actual split but the period that follows. If both can be grown up and set aside their differences for the sake of the children then the impact will be minimal.

There are far many more things in life that damage children and shape their future. Some of which are connected to divorce like a step parent that simply doesnt treat well or equal and the PWC putting the adult first not the child. Others have nothing to do with divorce and can be EA to a child, having a constant parade of partners and distorting their views on relationships etc.

I disagree those having children in short term relationshios can be excused if one turns out to be a prat, having a child should be a long term commitment and not something you go into with a short term boyfriend.

Another one here refuting the 'five year' idea. My exH was clear that when we had children (he originally wanted five hahaha) we would share the load. With other people's kids he was easy going, cheerful and full of fun. When his own actual children arrived he was inadequate, miserable and burdened, often harming back to our halcyon days before children. He then started seeing himself as more important, opting out of family life altogether (but keeping the facade for public view) and becoming oppressive, controlling and verbally abusive. At heart he has actual contempt for me for being a patient, relaxed and involved parent. Because those things are unachievable for him. Interestingly this repeats the pattern of his own father ie lovely with other people's kids, but can't manage this with his own children. This was a total 180 degree turn that I could not have foreseen.

too simplistic.
if dv, affairs, arguing all the time, then fine, yes its damaging.
but that's not the divorce that's damaging. that was the before that was actually damaging the children - the things that led ten parents to get divorced.
but if parents generally get on, and then child finds the have their stuff split into 2 homes, I can appreciate that this might be disorientating.

if parents behave amicably , in sorting out children, post divorce, then that effects the children less.

It's not divorce per se that affects children long term, it's the behaviour of the divorcing parents. It's hard not to get swept up into the hurt and anger caused by the betrayal of one partner against another and it's easy to forget about the small (and not so small) people listening and experiencing what's going on around them.

Where care is taken to protect children going through divorce and ensure their best interests are at the forefront of all decisions, I don't think long term damage is done. In fact, in my view a well handled split is much better than staying put in a bad marriage.

It's where parents drag the children into their arguments, don't explain what's going on, or worse, treat the children like pawns in their personal chess game that the damage happens.

Life in general leaves scars. First crush, first heartbreak, first failure, first exposure to death, first time you realise that, actually, despite what your parents might have told you, you're not that special/smart/beautiful etc.

Kids without divorced parents don't reach adulthood seeing life through rosy glasses. And if they do, they've probably not been taught resilience.

If you're still feeling the pain of your parents' divorce as an adult, one or both of them did a shit job of it.

If you know your partner is going to be a prick when you say you want out, that's still no reason to stay, though.

Being brought up by a parent who voices such superficial and lacking-in-empathy views is probably equally damaging.

I agree with other posters, such as JeanSeberg and Oblomov. How are we defining 'damage' and how are we ascribing it? Once you start controlling for those factors the picture is very different, just as the outcomes for the children of single parents are no different to those from couples once you control for income.

There is now a lot of research to show that it's not divorce per se that does the damage, it's dysfunctional environments, which can be the case whether a couple remain together or get divorced. Personally I believe that an acrimonious divorce - although dreadful - is worth experiencing if the alternative is a dysfunctional environment for the rest of that child's life as the latter will be more damaging.

Divorce does affect children. To pretend it doesn't is silly. But it is even more silly to believe that it's always wrong. Sometimes it is the best thing to do when the alternative is raising a child in an environment where one or both parents are experiencing terrible unhappiness or abuse.

I always wonder.

If grandparents live in the family home and then move out (or the family move out from the GP's house) does that damage children?

If an older sibling goes away to university or to start their own adult life, does that damage children?

If a father works away for long periods of time does that damage children?

None of these things are generally thought to be harmful, or even given a second thought most of the time. Yes you're aware that your child might find this situation strange or upsetting, but you talk about it with them and try to prepare them as much as possible. In the end it becomes normal and that is fine.

Why do we attach such emotional significance to divorce? I think that we tend to feel like marriage, and having the family and the house and the car and the dog is some kind of prize that you win through hard work, and (especially women) it's our job to keep that all together and if you don't, then DISASTER. When the reality is different for a lot of people. Who decided that "two parents living in married union" was "the ideal"? What if it's not? What if there is no one, objective ideal and it's more about what makes individual people, families, set ups work? As long as a child is loved and cared for and the adults doing that caring are able to do that, I don't think we need to worry.

Surely the best people to comment on this matter are children of divorced parents. It screwed me up but I'm ok now.

Divorce can damage, but strong parenting can greatly mitigate the damage. It sounds like you are doing a great job and should be very proud of how you are handling it, to make the best out of it for your children.

We used to pray that our parents would divorce.

They didn't. Their dysfunctional relationship pattern has affected us all throughout life. A divorce would have shown us that battles for power are not an acceptable format for relationships, and that living in fear isn't inevitable.

My parents divorced when I was 10 and it had a massive, profound effect on my life, which still looms large now - but this was because they were both a bit rubbish afterwards (mother depressed, father distant).

My parents divorced when I was a teenager and it had a very negative effect on my life and still does - though mainly because my mum left for a twat who hated me & my sis & turned out to be an alcoholic and said twat is still very much in my life being a 'grandparent' to my children, grrrr.

Having a good step parent can help a great deal. I have a lovely step parent, though they came on the scene in my late teens. My children prefer them as do I to biological parents/grandparents . I just think spep parents need to be brought into the situation when things have clamed down divorce is done, children are used to the new set up, parents are done crying and legal stuff is set in place, and that is just how things are and step parent has to accept it.

The trouble with step perents coming in mid way through is they want things to suit them and it is hard enough as it is trying to meet two parents idea's of meeting the needs of the children then the parents, without adding someone eles's needs into the mix like an additional child wanting time, attention, money and what not.

Actually living for 11 years with two parents who hated each other was far more damaging.

Would have been much better if they had separated when we were younger.
HTH

Oh and to add, when my mum asked me how I would feel if they split, my reply (at 12) was "glad"

Effective don't you think that there is the possibility that an adult who is not caught up in the emotions of the divorce might be able to give support to the children?

DH and I got together before his divorce was finalised and he and his ex were both incredibly emotional about it (understandably), I was able to talk to the kids and explain that mum and dad were going through a difficult time, but the kids were the most important people to everyone and that we'd all get through it.

I certainly wasn't pushing my own agenda, the kids were (and still are), at the forefront of my thoughts.

You don't know the full story, you don't know the history, you don't know what someone is really like when they are not going through trauma and stress, you do not know what has passed between them, you are only seeing things from when you walk into their lives and are full of sexed up hormones for your DH. You have no right to sit in judgmenet of those people at that point in their lives, you are only basing from the point of view from you and your DH at the end of his marriage. I firmly believe people should not involve themselves in that kind of situation, no matter how well intentioned they are.

I agree with Effective.
As nice as you are trying to be Mutton, you are the wrong person in the wrong place to that child and you can't change that.

I'd been through a divorce myself, I know what it's like and I certainly wasn't judging anyone.

But whatever, you seem fairly emotional about this so I'll bow out.

Mutton, you were judging, no idea why you now say you were not DH and I got together before his divorce was finalised and he and his ex were both incredibly emotional about it

Quite scary that you deny on one had doing things you have said you have done done with the other hand, sad for those children, when you have interfered with their lives .

I'm the child of a very acrimonious, very drawn-out, very violent and very messy divorce that went on for around 4 years and involved lies, affairs and physical violence (witnessed by me). This happened during what is often seen as a key time for messing kids up (I was aged 12-16, so understood a lot of what was going on).

It was hard for me for a few years afterwards, but now I am a well adjusted, happy adult with an excellent relationship with my parents - as is my sister.

My mothers' parents chose not to divorce after my grandfather had an affair, and I'd say their relationship had a far more negative affect on my mother and her brothers.

As long as you love your children, and they know you love them, and you teach them adequate coping strategies for when life gets hard (it always does) everything will be alright.

Have come back to this thread after thinking about it.

My parents were divorced - I honesty don't think the divorce/separation was that upsetting. Very much agree with those who say how it's handled has far more impact. If it's done with the children's wellbeing being given appropriate consideration then it makes a sad and difficult situation much easier to deal with.

However that it is not to put any blame on people who have separated from an abusive partner who behaves badly. After all you can't be reasonable and civilised with someone who isn't either of those things - some of the stories on here are really sad and awful.