Divorce damages children terribly

[Onmyownwith4kids]

I thought I 'd post here as this is a comment I've just read on another thread written by someone who's been lucky enough to be happily married for decades. I'm in the process of divorcing my 40 year old husband who's on holiday at the moment with his 27 year old girlfriend. He would have stayed with me if I'd shut up and let him get on with his affairs. I admit I'm struggling. It 's exhausting bringing up 4 children alone and working full time. Comments like that bring me down so low. My children don't seem damaged. They're laughing, happy and doing well at school. But will they deep down as the poster claimed be affected forever by this?

[toyoungtodie]

Hi, Onmyownwithfourkids,
I think I wrote that post , unless there are two of us that have been happily married for 42 years. I did not write that children will not survive. I wrote divorce damages children horribly. First of all I would like to say sorry that you are hurt by my remark when you are at such a low ebb. I feel very sympathetic towards you, believe me , as I have four kids. However in my experience ( I worked with kids) divorce is damaging and I should have added , so are a lot of other things that happen to them. However , there is lots that can be done to mitigate possible damage and I am sure from your post and from what you have written that you will do your best for them.
However , to deny that children get away from any kind of break up, poor parenting situation etc Scott free is ' pie in the sky.' It is more realistic to say , I need to do my utmost to see these children do not suffer. Read books, talk to them , get counselling etc.
I hope that you have parents and friends close by that will help you. Best of luck.

[Onmyownwith4kids]

Hi tooyoungtodie,

Thanks so much for adding to your original post. I'd loved to have shown my children a long loving relationship where couples work through the ups and downs. I wanted a stable 2 parent family for my children. Ironically it's my husband who was badly affected by an incredibly bitter divorce who along with his twenty something affair partner said 'children are resilient they'll get over it." Like your family my siblings have happy marriages. For me that commitment was taking the rough with the smooth. Talking through things if life got hard. For my husband finding that first "in love" butterfly feeling was more important. It was a happy marriage. He admits that but he wanted to feel the centre of someone's world. It's easy to do that with no kids or commitments. I suppose what upset me was my children will never see the example of their parents working through any problems. I don 't want them to think running off in pursuit of an easier option as soon as things get tough is the right way. Thank you for adding to your original post it means a lot. I was at a low ebb. Constant demands of 4 children and all the washing, tidying, homework that goes with that interspersed with texts from ex who's on a relaxing lovestruck holiday is hard. I fought to save my marriage but after 14 years the loyal faithful man I married was replaced by an entitled selfish stranger.

[bragmatic]

Tooyoungtodie, you do realise that there is a gaping chasm between 'scot free' and 'horribly damaged'?

What sort of work do you do with children?

[maddy68]

I think divorce does damage children to be honest but what's the alternative? Some things are just unavoidable

[flippinada]

I agree it definitely has an effect. That's why how it's handled by the adults involved is very important - keeping the child's welfare paramount, not burdening them with information they don't need to know or making them feel responsible for how either parent feels (for example). Very much easier said than done of course and requires a lot of effort.

Of course, that's assuming both parents are capable of behaving in that way. It may be that the relationship is ending precisely because one or both of the adults involved is incapable of behaving that way.

Then again it may well be because there's abuse involved, in which case damage has already been done. But, with love and support, it can be helped - and the responsibility for the damage rests with the abuser, not the parent who is left picking up the pieces.

[HermioneWeasley]

I agree that living with parents who are unhappily married is just as damaging as divorce and that divorce may be the best option in the circumstances.

But I disagree that long and seemingly happy marriages are down to luck. As someone who's been in a relationship for 20+ years our happiness is down to us both working hard on our marriage - not luck.

[bragmatic]

I'd love to know what exactly people mean by 'damage', when they say divorce damages children.

[NickiFury]

I could not agree more with your post bertiebotts it's something I have been thinking for a long time. Who decided that the couple and the 2.4 dc were the ideal. It annoys the arse off me, the pity and the long faces when discussing "broken" marriages. Bore off!

[EffectiveCommunication]

Well maybe those people know a family that suffered Nicki?

A bit like someone can say they had cancer. They may have had minor skin cancer like a family member of mine had, a quick removal of a small piece of skin and that was it. Or they may have had a very troublesome cancer, with numerous operations, and various drugs that went on for a very long time, with a lot of pain and loss of large parts of the body.

[JaneParker]

Depends on the marriage. (Like the original poster I work full time and I have 5 to her 4 children). In our marriage the older children wanted us to divorce because of how their father was at home, asked me for it and have all hugely benefited from the fact their parents are not together. It is just about the best thing I could have done for our children.
The older 3 have all graduated and done well at school etc.

I have never understood people syaing a high divorce rate is a bad thing. It means women have money and power and options and legal rights. It is societies when unhappy women have two options - stay or burn themselves to death with chip pan fire in countries with a very low divorce rate which are the awful ones both for children and adults.

[BertieBotts]

My parents divorced and I am glad. I have ishooooooooos but that's more to do with my dad being absent and a bit weird and not knowing how to relate to me at all because he never tried. And I think I got modelled bad relationships, because my mum still believed that all men were a bit useless really and you might as well be glad to have one who has one good point, so you don't have to be in a bad relationship to model them, but I got there in the end Thanks mumsnet!

[slightlyconfused85]

I was elated when my parents divorced when I was 10. It was awful at home with bickering and bad atmosphere and I was so much happier just living with my mum and seeing my dad every other weekend. Your children will be better off do not worry

[BertieBotts]

Effective did you seriously just compare cancer with bringing a child up in a family which isn't 2 married, MC parents, 2.4 children and a dog in a semi?

[EffectiveCommunication]

No, you did!

[NickiFury]

Like mine effective? My DH cheated on me repeatedly, when I was 8 months pregnant the first time, then abandoned us for days at a time, would go to work and just not come back for 5 days or more while I was caring for a new born after a c-section. This went on for years as he refused to leave the family home. I protected my dc from the fall out and am courteous and low key with him now. My marriage wasn't so much broken as stamped on repeatedly for ten years until it shattered.

My point is that I do not believe that the marriage with the man, woman and a couple of dc is the ultimate it's only one (often unsatisfactory) example of a family unit. I resent the implication generally prevalent that it's the only possible way and if you can't achieve it it's a reason for real sadness and a sense of failure "broken, failed" marriage. It's BS.

[EffectiveCommunication]

Well that is fine, why address it to me though .

[BertieBotts]

When!?

[NickiFury]

Because you said "maybe these people know a family that have suffered" . I believe MY family has suffered.

Did you have wine with lunch?

[EffectiveCommunication]

Nicki, no did you?

[antimatter]

OP - you are saying:
I don 't want them to think running off in pursuit of an easier option as soon as things get tough is the right way.

You didn't run away from responsibility of bringing them up.

[NickiFury]

No, I don't drink. But you're not making much sense.

[EffectiveCommunication]

ok, sorry I do not make much sense to you.

[NickiFury]

Well why don't you explain what you mean then?

[EffectiveCommunication]

I don't fancy it right now.

[NickiFury]

I think you should consider changing your user name, it seems wholly inaccurate under the circumstances