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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being gaslit.....gaslighted......whatever?

90 replies

neiljames77 · 11/05/2014 09:43

When I split with my wife, I took only the things I thought I needed. Clothes etc. There are other things that I didn't need urgently though. One of them is the little pouch you get with your car containing the manual. It was tucked away in the back of a cupboard in the kitchen. It never gets moved or disturbed. For that reason, I keep my passport and driving licence etc in it because I know it's safe. I turned up at the house yesterday and it's gone.
I asked her if she'd seen it but she said she doesn't know what I'm talking about and she thought I'd took it with me. She's a really poor liar though. She said she'd have a look for it and let me know if it turns up. Is this gaslighting?

OP posts:

HeeHiles · 13/05/2014 10:47

I split with a boyfriend years ago - he left his car parked in my drive - BMW convertible - kept telling him to move it but he was dragging his heels - So I nicked his log book out of the car and sold it! Watch out for the Renault!!!

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 13/05/2014 10:52

Like I said, turn up at YOUR house and cheerily tell her you'll be there for the day TURNING THE PLACE UPSIDE DOWN. Terribly sorry and all that but I really need them. No, sorry, I have to, um it is still my house unfortunately - yes, very inconvenient, for me too actually - do you think I WANT to spend the day turning out every single cupboard and searching the attic?

Maybe you could help me for half an hour ex darling if you think you might have a teensy weeny idea of the best places to look?

Original poster

neiljames77 · 13/05/2014 12:00

MushroomSoup and doziedoozie, I have explained the circumstances behind our split a few times on here now. It's wasn't a decision either of us took lightly. It's probably giving out the wrong impression when I try to handle things with humour. I do that with most situations though.
The default mode seems to be that I'm the bad guy. People in RL are making the same assumption, apart from the ones that know the full story.
People will think what they want to think and to be honest, I'm past caring now.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 13/05/2014 12:16

neil, you can't expect everyone to know the circumstances of your split, perhaps people haven't seen your threads or < sharp intake of breath > not taken much notice

they can only go on what you say on an individual thread

AnyFucker · 13/05/2014 12:17

...and I suggest you get copies of the car manual, passport and drivers licence

easier all round, I'd say

LineRunner · 14/05/2014 11:41

But if you split so amicably, why do you think your Ex has moved your belongings?

Either she didn't move them, or she isn't being amicable.

Hissy · 14/05/2014 13:07

I think that anyone who actually leaves is going to be be portrayed as the 'bad guy' even if they are not.

Put it this way, MOST of us won't eschew sympathy if proffered, so she gets the sympathy, that fuels the anger/resentment etc and turns what WAS initially amicable into something less so.

Yes, you were naive to leave such vitally important documents behind, it may cost you dearly if they are lost, so go and suggest that you are turning the house upside down to find them at the weekend and see if she can't help you locate them before the house IS beyond recognisable.

Original poster

neiljames77 · 30/05/2014 05:36

I rang home last night to see if it had turned up and she said she's found it in the cupboard where it's always been. That's total bollocks. I took everything out and checked properly.
I do believe I've been gaslit.

OP posts:

LettertoHerms · 30/05/2014 05:49

She lied, plain and simple. It wasn't gaslighting, and that isn't a term to bandy about and minimize.

HexBramble · 30/05/2014 05:50

I'm glad it's been found Neil. It saves you a handful of cash and inconvenience. Perhaps it's time for you to sort things out more permanently?

Oh, and this isn't a case of gaslighting. Sounds more a case of silly-buggers and maybe she's trying to drive home a hint that it's time to move your stuff

PedantMarina · 30/05/2014 05:53

So you can get the docs now? Embrace that bit of good news and immediately get everything important out.

As an aside, I find it interesting that you called it "home".

HexBramble · 30/05/2014 05:53

Just for the record - gaslighting makes you doubt your own sanity Neil. Not as in "I'm sure I put my car keys there" but mental abuse. Distress, anxiety, disorientation.

Walkacrossthesand · 30/05/2014 07:52

But isn't what Neil's saying exactly that? He knows he turned the cupboard inside out, the stuff wasn't there, and now the ex says 'they are there, I've looked' - and presumably they are there now? They can't both be right, and moving the documents is exactly akin to dimming the gaslights, while claiming not to have done anything. The only reason Neil isn't distressed/agitated is because he doesn't doubt himself & what he saw. Gaslighting would never work, and would be plain old lying, if the 'victim' didn't doubt themselves - this was attempted gaslighting!

Keepithidden · 30/05/2014 07:58

I'd agree walkacross, the trouble is many of the folk on here have this kind of sustained level of gaslighting over a period of time that does cause them to doubt their sanity.

I suppose, as an isolated one-off it's pretty annoying but not really abuse territory. Is gaslighting an individual incident or a pattern of behaviour? Not sure if there is a standard definition of it yet.

Either way, glad you got it sorted Neil, I hope things are looking up for you and your Ex.

HexBramble · 30/05/2014 08:01

^ this.

I see your point, walkaccross and keepithidden.

JeanSeberg · 30/05/2014 08:17

It sounds to me like you're not entirely happy with your decision to split, hence leaving stuff at "home" and constantly popping round there to look for things.

I'd be irritated if I were your ex with you just turning up, either you've moved out or you haven't.

Original poster

neiljames77 · 30/05/2014 09:12

It's just the opposite Jean. We had a mutual agreement to split but she's changed her mind now but it's pointless. Nothing has or will change.
I lived there for 10 years so it's just habit to call it home. There's jobs need doing on the house and it's still my responsibility. I didn't take the documents with me because I hadn't needed them until now.
Like I said previously though, I'm really past caring whether people paint me as the villain now.

OP posts:

JeanSeberg · 30/05/2014 09:28

Given that it's no longer amicable then, I suggest you have a clean break, move all your stuff out and leave her to be responsible for jobs on the home. It's not helping her move on if you're calling round all the time. Leave her be.

tobiasfunke · 30/05/2014 09:37

I think you're getting a hard time on here for no real reason. Your ex-w hid your documents- then felt bad about it and has returned them. She shouldn't have done it in the first place. The fact she 'found' them again means she's probably sorry she did it. If the split is amicable I would forget it now. No point in making things worse.

Original poster

neiljames77 · 30/05/2014 09:50

She ASKS me to go round. Replacing 180 feet of fencing would cost a fortune if somebody else did it. It's in both our interests to make the house as saleable as possible. I'm still paying the whole of the mortgage and half the cost of the bills. This amounts to £1400 a month. I've told her she can have all the equity (30-40k). Even though I wouldn't be legally obliged to give her spousal maintenance, I said I'd pay half the rent of wherever she moves to.
If you feel the need to make a judgement call, it might be best to just view us as two adults and try and be objective.

OP posts:

getthefeckouttahere · 30/05/2014 16:09

yeah she's gone and trashed/burnt/binned em.

Probably a bit embarrassed to admit it now! hey ho, if thats the worst thing that happened in your split yr a lucky fella.

Original poster

neiljames77 · 30/05/2014 16:17

No. They're all intact. They just reappeared.

OP posts:

getthefeckouttahere · 30/05/2014 16:25

shit i did that whole not reading the entire thread thing again!

oh well, play along and let her retain a shred of dignity in the entire 'log book debacle'!

'Thanks x, i couldn't find my arse if it was hanging out of my jeans' should cover it.

Ketchuphidestheburntbits · 30/05/2014 16:49

Your ex sounds like the type who will make life difficult when you meet someone else (like my husband's ex!)

Now is the time to remove all your stuff from the house even if you have to pay for storage. Don't allow a chance for anything else to 'go missing'.

I would also suggest that you try not to feel so guilty that you can't afford somewhere to live because you are paying the rent and bills for your ex once the house has been sold. Divorce means that you both have less money but you need to have a home of your own too, no matter why you separated.

You sound like a decent man trying to do the right thing but your ex is probably still very angry and upset because of the split. Hopefully she'll get over it and move on once the divorce is sorted out.

Original poster

neiljames77 · 13/06/2014 15:52

I should also point out that I only do jobs on the house when she's at work or at her parents. So I can't see how I could be deemed to be a nuisance. It's in my interest too to get the best price possible for the house.

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