Husband says he doesn't love me anymore

[MissPennySweet]

Three weeks ago my husband turned round out of nowhere and told me he didn't love me in a romantic way anymore (in the middle of an argument). This quite frankly knocked me for shit and ashamedly I asked him to stay and promised we could work on things (with a lot of tears). He agreed to stay and despite going back to relatively normal I can't shake the feeling that he's only with me out of pity. He's since said he does love me but he's stressed with work, but now I feel like an utter fool for staying with someone who doesn't feel the same about me.

Should I leave or do you think it was a momentary blip and he really does love me - he is usually an extremely loving and attentive man and I've never had any doubts before! We don't have DC.

[magoria]

No! Don't go there.

This man has been a manipulative nasty bastard.

He was 'an extremely loving and attentive man' who was happy to fuck a young 18 year old girl who gave better head than you. You will never forget reading that.

You could never ever trust him again and your life (and any kids) will be messed around when, not if he does this again (and again).

Please go NC for a while for some mental space and then.

As ohIdo says. Tell him to fuck off.

[DillyBob14]

if you take him back you are telling him his behaviour was ok and it is a green light for him to do it again.

He may say the right things now - too late though. Should have thought of that before he was unfaithful shouldn't he.

[DeMaz]

OP, only you can decide if you can trust this guy again! You gave this guy everything by the sounds of it and he just pissed all over it, to be frank!

Those emails he sent her alone would've been enough for me to NEVER, ever want to see him again!

And no,it definitely does not make you a horrible person.

By the way, I'm not sure if you've mentioned it up thread but how long was this affair going on for?

[LBZT]

No please don't let him back.
If (big IF) he can prove he is worthy of you by going to counselling and dating you letting you have space then maybe in the future he could come home, but to let him back in so soon is a bad idea. Remember he has to prove to you how serious he is make him work for you (really sweat for it). I agree with others that a NC for a period of time would be helpful for you to clear your head.

[FantasticButtocks]

Has he accounted for the sheer disloyalty of talking about you in a derogatory manner to her? It would be interesting to see if he can come up with any justification for that. I can't see how that is possible though. And I don't think that is something I could forgive.

And why he thinks you should take him back when he has proved what sort of a man he is, and what low behaviour he is capable of. I mean what the fuck is he actually offering you here?

It doesn't make you a bad person for feeling you have some control. It must feel pretty good to know this thing he had with the 18-year-old has already failed.

[MissPennySweet]

No I don't think I will take him back. I'm beginning to see our relationship in a different light and it's making me feel weird

[Jb291]

Stay strong Penny and do not even for one moment consider taking this dirty cheating piece of shit back. Just for peace of mind I would echo other posters in gently encouraging you to be tested at your local GUM clinic or GP surgery. Have you managed to establish if is is the only occasion that he has been unfaithful? How long was affair with 18 year old going on ??

[Jux]

You are a strong woman, Penny.

I think you've made the right decision as it will always be in the back of your mind whenever he goes anywhere - what is he doing at work, is he really in the pub, is it really a conference he's at; in other words you will feel disquiet all the time, little trust; he's thrown away a very good thing simply in order to please his dick.

Stay on the path you're on. You will come out the other side; you have such a good life ahead of you if you want it, reach out and grab it.

[hellsbellsmelons]

There are a lot of great guys out there.
He has proved that he is certainly NOT one of them.
Only you can make this decision though.
Do you think you are worth more than this lying, cheating scumbag or not?
We all know you are.
Get some head space to think things through then you can make your decision.

I took mine back and within a day or so I just knew I couldn't keep going. He'd changed completely from the man who loved and protected me to someone who didn't give a shit and was quite willing to stamp all over my feelings. It would never have been the same again and I knew that and knew I had to end it.
Best decision ever, although he's still behaving like a total c*nt!!

[Sylvana]

You are making the right decision Penny. Ignore his apologies and pleas for forgiveness - he is completely selfish and only thinking of himself. Don't forget he betrayed you twice, through his actions and his vile words. A man who truly loves you would not do either. You are still so young - thank God you found out what he is really like and you can move on with your life. If he wants to know why you won't take him back print off a copy of his emails and throw it in his face.

[OneStepForwardTwoBack]

Don't give in to his emotional blackmail and self pity. You are in control now. The second he walks back through your door you will feel out of control. Why put yourself through it? You are young, bright, you have your own house! Even if you are alone for a year or two, you are plenty young enough to start again, meet someone new, have kids etc. Think of some things you've always fancied doing that weren't possible when you were married and do them. Maybe he did lose his head and make a mistake but tough shit really, you can both learn a lesson from it.

[OneStepForwardTwoBack]

Don't even bother throwing the emails in his face. Keep them by your bed and read them next time you are tempted to give in.

[MrWalletwithMothsonboard]

Believe me within a day of getting his feet under the table again, he will probably be yawning and telling you to stop going on about it.

Without trust there is only dust!

[frumpypigskin]

I've been reading your thread and I just wanted to say please don't go back. This is not the kind of man you want to be spending the rest of your life with. If he can't be faithful and loving now when life is pretty straight-forward, what would he be like after two children and the pressures that a family put on a marriage?

He is not a good choice for a life partner. A relationship with him will bring you to your knees.

[Minion100]

Penny I think the reason he wants you back is because he needs you. It's not love.

You have some huge advantages over most of the women in your position.

1. You are very young and have all the time in the world to make a new life.
   

1. You are financially very stable with your twat of a husband.
   

1. You do not have kids with him and therefore can cut off all ties.
   

1. You have evidence of his affair and how vile he was.
   

1. You do not have to stay living near him, once you sell your house you can head off.
   

All of this means you can walk away better off and he will have to live with his meal ticket gone. I wonder how interested the 18 year olds will be when he's kipping on a mates sofa.

[startingoveragain33]

I hope you don't take him back. He tells you he has finished with the OW, but how do you know? He's lied to you before, he could be lying to you now. Even if he has finished with the OW how do you know he won't go back to her once he has wormed his way back into your life.

If you took him back, you would constantly be checking up on him, worried every time he went out torturing yourself if he is with her or contacting her.

You have to face facts, the man you married he gone, he is never coming back because he never existed in the first place. The man you married betrayed you, lied to you, cheated on you. You gave him one of the most precious gifts you can give to another human being...... TRUST, and he ripped that up and threw it away, because it meant nothing to him.
You were NOT put on this earth to be treated like that.

I married my childhood sweetheart, he cheated on me, and like you I went through the should I or shouldn't I take him back, He even told me I didn't love him enough to try again WTF!!!!!!
I never took him back, I refuse to be treated like that. I went through the same thoughts as you, would never find anyone like him again (now I hope I don't find anyone like him again), would never have children (I was 30 when we split up), would never find anyone to understand me like he did (cringe worthy now thinking about it).

If you kick him out and tell him never to contact you again, you WILL look back one day and say thank goodness.

Please please please don't let him treat you like that, don't be a doormat, be a strong independent woman.

Take care xx

[TheOnlyOliviaMumsnet]

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[Clairep83]

My husband of 12 years and 2 children has just told me he doesn't have feelings for me anymore

[donajimena]

If you start a new thread you would get more response. I'm sorry you are going through this

[Rach1788]

Hi misspennysweet, I know this was a fair few years ago, but what happened in the end ? .x

[llWelshDragonll]

So, me and my boyfriend of 6 years (3 kids) have been going through a bit of a patch. Roughly 3/4 weeks ago i was in a really bad spiral. I was lonely and needed to talk to someone. My bf works really hard and when hes not working hes exhausted. Im a fulltime mother without any real friends. I have a great family life but i was just feeling the need to talk to someone...anyone. anyways i signed up for friendship sites and so on but they all required payment. The only free site that i knew of was pof. Yes, as stupid as it sounds i signed up to a dating site looking for sum1 to chat to. Anyways he saw it pop up on my phone and instead of asking me about it he kept it to hiself and brooded over it until i made him tell me what was wrong. I tried explaining myself buh naturally he didnt believe me. But thats not the problem. He explained that he didnt trust me etc and wanted to break up. No matter how much i begged and pleaded (something i never thought id do). He was adamant. Fair enough, as much as i loved him, i did wrong. i dealt with it. When we both had calmed down and i accepted we were over, we had a chat about the way we felt and he told me that he didnt love me anymore. He loved me as the mother of his kids but nothing else. My heart broke. But for the sake of the kids we remained living together and slowly started behaving as friends. Over a few days the friendship turned into flirting. And we send a few saucy vids. He suggests us getting back together. (Something i want more than anything) but i cant get it out of my head the fact that he said he didnt love me anymore. Thats huge. How can you go from absolutely and completely believing you dont love someone to wanting to be back together? Is it just the sex he wants? x

[Iona57]

My husband of 20 years went to visit his brother in Thailand came home after 3 wks and announced our marriage was over he said we were driffing apart lie he said we did nothing as a couple another lie I am sure if there were problems I too would have know we have just bought a cottage to do up which he now wants sold along with our home all this from the same guy who said before leaving for his holiday that he would miss me like mad and didn't want to go now he's saying he isn't in love with me but loves me and were like good friends and I am his soulmate nine of it makes sense to me or anyone else