Passive aggressive dp re me going out

[HelpMeGetOutOfHere]

Am I the only one this happens to?

I don't go out a huge amount once every month maybe even once every two months, each time my partner says yes that's fine (I'm not asking permission, just being courteous and making sure no clashing of plans) but then on the day starts being difficult. The silent moodiness almost sulking, comments made about me jumping and running at the beck and call of my friends.

He doesn't really go out, he says if he's going out he prefers it to be just the two of us, whereas I'm ok with that most of the time but occasionally I want to go out with my friends.

I'm dude to go out this evening, we were supposed to be going for cocktails and I've already said I'll drive so that I don't drink and can get up and take p out fishing tomorrow (he doesn't drive and tbh getting rid for a day is lovely) but I've come home from work and the school run, he's just got in and is now sat on the sofa with a face on and refusing to engage in conversation. I've asked what he wants for dinner as cooking for the dc and offered to get him and ds1(17) a curry as I'll be eating out but I'm just getting grunted at and it puts me on edge.

I don't want to go out feeling like shit because we've had a row or wondering if he'll still be in a mood when I get in.

I'm aware that I'll get a flaming and ask why I'm still here. He never used to be like it, we have children and generally a good home life but he's turning into his dad!

"I don't think he thinks I'm up to anything or am going to have an affair I think he just genuinely doesn't see why I need to go out when he's not bothered and so thinks I should be happy to just be the five of us in our own unit".

What would your response be if a friend was telling you all this?. You are entitled to some time without him. He also does not like you going out and shows his displeasure by sulking and upping the power and control ante against you.

Oh yes this is his warped mindset and it is all deliberate on his part. He actively enjoys seeing your discomfort and has you constantly pacifying him, "the big man" that he thinks he is.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships from the two of you here?.

Having it out with him will not change anything. He still knows how to cower you (a disapproving look could be enough), have you on edge and have you still walking around pacifying him after your night out. You are entitled to a night out!. He may promise to change and be a better man but it will not happen and any change made also will be but short term. He will revert to type because control is all that he really knows.

You stated as well his own father is the same, that's where he learnt this all from.

The princess bit started an alarm tbh. He always called me princess. Doesn't anymore though lol.

Yes I know I owe it to myself and children to at least challenge his behaviour. Tonight I'm just concentrating on having a good time.

I had a bad time post ds1 with pnd and with ds2 both and and pnd huge weight fluctuations and suicidal thoughts so I'm not prepared to endanger my mental well being again. Throughout this he was a huge support and was my best friend, maybe that didn't help that as i got better I no longer depended on him as much?

"Throughout this he was a huge support and was my best friend, maybe that didn't help that as i got better I no longer depended on him as much?"

Exactly, he enjoyed you being so dependent on him.

He likely as well suckered you right in from the early days of your relationship with him.

Challenging his behaviour will likely be and become an exercise in frustration, you will not get him to at all see that what he is doing to you is wrong. He knows and does not care about your discomfort; he likes you in the gilded cage of his own making.

My STBXH was like this. Very vocal about how he's happy for me to go out with friends... but I couldn't leave until after the DCs were in bed as he couldn't cope with them. And if they woke up, he'd kick off and either ring me or be moody and nasty when I got home.

And then for months on end, it'd be held over my head "must be nice to get to go out with your friends" and "it's easy for you, you've gone out with friends" but I TRIED to get him to go out with friends and he wouldn't. Didn't have many friends, didn't make an effort to get to know anyone, practically had to twist his arm to get him to ring a mate to go out and have a drink. He would rather stay home and drink too much and be online chatting with "internet mates" - which I found out after we separated was actually a woman - an emotional affair that he was involved in.

You'll never win, no matter what you do in this situation.

You know, it is all right to dump these selfish, misogynistic, controlling, tedious fucknuggets. You don't have to live like this indefinitely.

And this behaviour is not just 'huh, men, they;re impossible.' It's abusive.

Yes I have had this in a couple of relationships. Why do they do it?

I get lots of questions, sometimes the same question over and over about who is going, as if to catch me out. Then it's little digs about being fit for nothing the next day as I will be too tired and hungover. Then after the event it is still millions of questions about who was there, who drunk what. It's hard work!

My current technique is silence, then change the subject.

My dh is like this, he always denies being in one though, says its me.
I went bingo with my mum the other night, he was being off with me before I went but for once I didn't start backing down, I told him he had enough of his pathetic behavior. That seemed to snap him out of it for a bit, even still he didn't ask me if I'd had a nice time when I got in, just if I had won

DH tried this in the early days after DS was born. My first night out post baby and he came so close to screwing it up because he sat there with baby on his knee and a face like a slapped arse because I was going out but of course nothing was wrong..
I treated it like I would a small child, totally ignored, got ready and breezed out of the door with a smile and a kiss.
It hasn't happened since.

Do you have time out as a couple.
It may be worth going out to show that he
Is important too although it does not push aside controlling behaviour.

Yes we have plenty of time as a couple. We will often go to the local restaurant for a drink and a bite to eat and walk back as ds1 will babysit.

We went away just the two of us a couple of weekends ago, stayed in a nice hotel got dressed up for dinner etc.

I've just got in had a lovely night plenty of gossip and chat. I had one glass of wine as was driving, walked through the door and he pressed the remote so the time came up and said do much for not being late. It was 11.44!

I made no comment, walked through got a glass of water and have come to bed. I'm not going to argue and ruin my good night. Will let him know that I'm going out again in 3 weeks time with the same friends. 2 are married and say there husbands don't react that way. 1 has a partner she says the same and that he encourages her to go out and 1 is a single mum who can only come out when her xh has her dd for the weekend.

Oh well I'm on the sofa! I was reading my kindle dropped it he had layed one arm over me kind of cuddling. Tbh I didn't want a cuddle. I definitely didn't want him stroking my boob. I dropped my kindle leant over to get it and he exploded about how I couldn't get far enough away from him.

Well after silent treatment I was not in the mood to have sex. I told him that I was in no mood to talk I just wanted to read and go to sleep that I wasn't going to out up with the silent treatment and that it was unreasonable of him. He said I could go out every night for all he cared he wouldn't have to see my miserable face!!! Ffs. So I've grabbed my pillows phone kindle and spare quilt and am now cramped up on the sofa.

Is this the beginning of the end? I don't know what I want I don't know if I've even got a choice. This is not how I wanted the evening to go.

I feel do stupid and above anything else I feel so alone.

Have you actually asked him what his problem is with you going out?

And quite right, if you want someone to have sex with you you treat them nicely not behave like a huffy teenager then expect them to want to have sex with them.

They often try to shag you when you come back in.

Only you know how good your marriage is, but whatever you do, don't let him cut you off from your friends.

It has been a long marriage, so maybe this is a temporary blip, but reading this did bring back some unpleasant memories of my relatively short relationship with my daughter's father, which did fall within a whole abuse cycle.

OP. Upthread you said your evening would be a night of laughing, chat and fun. THAT is how your life with your (D)P should be. My ex was how you describe and Attilas description earlier was spot on too. I got to the point where I snapped and ended it. Please don't minimise this and carry on. Either move heaven and earth to get him to stop doing this to you or LTB. It will gradually turn you into a person you do not want to be. It is corrosive controlling behaviour that he does for his own petty reasons and quite why they think it will endear them to us enough to make us want to shag them is an even bigger mystery!
The fact that you are looking forward to time away from him is a massive indicator of how you feel in your heart and soul.

His only response to your going out should be to wait up so he can make you a brew or to offer to take you and pick you up so you can have a drink with your mates. That is the way to show love and get a shag and it should be like that all the time. Aspire to nothing less for your sanity.

He sounds like an utterly tedious bellend.

Sorry to hear your night didn't end well. He is being an absolute prick. Please don't take any blame for this, he caused this by his pathetic and infantile attitude.

This is a time not to back down and to show him you mean business, you will not be putting up with any more of his behaviour. Either he sorts himself out, or he can piss off.

I think you really need to put your foot down. You can feel far lonelier living with this bullshit than if you were actually living on your own...

The older we get, the more we realise we need to surround ourselves with people who make us feel good, and get rid of the ones who make us feel like shit. We only have this one life.

It seems that he thinks your life should be one long project of pleasing and placating him. Sounds like you have better things to do.

Well he has now 'given you permission' to go out as he doesn't care!

You can either continue to ignore his manchild behaviour or have it out with him and ask does he think it is normal to behave like this and everyone elses spouse is happy for them to go out.

Do you ever both go out with other couples? Is he sociable then or put a dampner on it even happening??

Listen to Attilla she speaks the truth. My ex started out exactly as you described with the sulking etc if I was going out,. Iy just got worse, he would also usually cause an argument when I got home or interrogate me about the evening. so in the end I avoided going out as it just wasnt worth it. He also eventually managed to isolate me from friends and family.
it took me too long to recognise how controling his behaviour was (this was one of many things he did).
Does he also criticise any outfit you wear for going out or your appearance .Mine would have had me going out dressed as a nun if he had had the choice.
Its a deliberate behaviour on their part to control you into staying home and being dependant on them for socialising. Iys more than just being a bit sulky. They know what they are doing and the control and abuse doesnt get better.

Dh and I have been through a horrifically long bad patch (3-4 years) and nearly split.

In all that time he never ever was difficult or grumpy about going out with friends. As a grown up adult he accepts that I need people in my life other than him and our DC.

I would honestly think through your options. Ultimately I was prepared to split with Dh, once I had made that decision and told him it was the kick up the arse for him to try and make the changes he needs to for our relationship to be good again.

God, my ex was like this (although he had lots of friends, I just wasn't allowed any). If I had the temerity to go out, he would "accidentally" leave the keys in the door so I couldn't get in.

He would also throw the most almighty strops if I didn't want to spend all my time with him and his friends (think utterly tedious shooting weekends in the country with a bunch of complete braying hoorays).

He was also massively controlling about what I wore and also declared love within a few weeks and asked me to move in within a couple of months. Then refused to let me have any of my own stuff there and didn't tell anyone else I lived there. It was so humiliating.

All massive red flags as I now know, but was completely naive back then.

Thank fuck I dumped him eventually and did not have any DC with him.

OP, I think you should seriously consider whether this is really how you want your life to play out for ever.

Total fucking jerk, my god he sounds most unattractive. How are things this morning? If I were you I would simply go about my business, ignoring him. Is this the beginning of the end? That depends on you and what you will put up with. He wants to chained to the kitchen sink, he doesn't see you as a person. This is a very oppressive way to love, OP. My exH was like this. In then end I concluded he never actually loved me for who I was, only the status that I brought and the way I played into his fantasy family life (which he took no real part in). I am currently finding counselling immensely useful, perhaps you could do the same (but do go on your own). Tis a shitty situation, OP, but not of your making.

I couldn't live with someone like this and, tbh, I couldn't live with someone who favoured two of my children over the third.

Do you realise how free you will feel if you don't live with him? It'll be like you're on holiday. As for your poor DS1 - don't you realise he'll leave as soon as he can?

Helpme I knew exactly how it would play out when you got home, especially the sex bit

I watched my dad behave this way to my mum growing up. As soon as she started to get ready to go out he would start arguments and she'd end up in tears. Sometimes she'd still go out, more often than not she'd end up staying in. He was jealous and insecure.

The odd thing is I ended up in a relationship which was exactly the same. Textbook stuff really. I had to leave, there was no other option as he was incapable of change.

I hope you're ok this morning