Passive aggressive dp re me going out

[HelpMeGetOutOfHere]

Am I the only one this happens to?

I don't go out a huge amount once every month maybe even once every two months, each time my partner says yes that's fine (I'm not asking permission, just being courteous and making sure no clashing of plans) but then on the day starts being difficult. The silent moodiness almost sulking, comments made about me jumping and running at the beck and call of my friends.

He doesn't really go out, he says if he's going out he prefers it to be just the two of us, whereas I'm ok with that most of the time but occasionally I want to go out with my friends.

I'm dude to go out this evening, we were supposed to be going for cocktails and I've already said I'll drive so that I don't drink and can get up and take p out fishing tomorrow (he doesn't drive and tbh getting rid for a day is lovely) but I've come home from work and the school run, he's just got in and is now sat on the sofa with a face on and refusing to engage in conversation. I've asked what he wants for dinner as cooking for the dc and offered to get him and ds1(17) a curry as I'll be eating out but I'm just getting grunted at and it puts me on edge.

I don't want to go out feeling like shit because we've had a row or wondering if he'll still be in a mood when I get in.

I'm aware that I'll get a flaming and ask why I'm still here. He never used to be like it, we have children and generally a good home life but he's turning into his dad!

[FantasticButtocks]

Meaning, if he says nothing is wrong, then you act like you believe him and move on to another subject...

[FantasticButtocks]

Wow, Costco on your own, how very self-indulgent

He needs to get over himself and stop taking whatever his frustrations are with life out on you. Otherwise he can jog on.

[squizita]

It's controlling behaviour. He's trying to control you.

Yep, alarm bells. Had an ex where it started like this. He 'loved' me so much he just wanted us to spend time together... or rather, feared me having other people there/their opinions without himself to supervise.
It got worse and worse.
Hence he is now the ex.

[Jan45]

It's really selfish behaviour too, can't he see his woman happy and enjoying herself.

[HelpMeGetOutOfHere]

Well the bath is running and the silence continues. I will just carry on this evening and have a serous think about all of this later. I don't want to have a cloud hanging over me this evening. It's going to be a night full of laughing, chat and fun. Probably all very juvenile and nothing sophisticated whatsoever.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours is he meeting?.

Do not tell me that he is a "good dad" because he patently is not because he is treating you like the staff. I want to know what YOU think of HIM and HIS behaviours.

He is not the boss of you is he although he is acting like one. I am sure too that he is all supposedly all sweetness and light to those in the outside world. Abusers often are plausible although I would daresay that one or two of your own friends have their suspicions about him. It is only behind closed doors that the truth emerges.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents; your man was taught by his own father how to be a controller and you now are teaching your children that it is ok on some level for you to be controlled because you are still there. Your son in particular is seeing damaging lessons on relationships from the two of you; how would you feel if he started to behave like your man is?.

Your man being a weak and pathetic individual himself picked you, a perhaps seemingly strong on the outside but with perhaps some self esteem issues deep down, to control and manipulate. He is wanting to punish you, such types hate women - ALL of them.

You are in a controlling relationship with him and his behaviour towards you is abusive no two ways about it.

I would suggest you start reading "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. your man will be in those pages and it will make for sobering reading.

I note that you do not want to split up but you cannot go on like this, he will destroy you totally in the end and you perhaps barely recognise yourself now. He will not change and importantly does not want to change. He does not care that he is emotionally abusing you because he feels he is doing nothing wrong in the first place. His needs are being met, he has you to fetch and carry for him.

He needs to be gone from your life for your sake as well as your children's.

[Georgethesecond]

You said that things were good, maybe you can get it back. He will need to change his behaviour, you will need to stop pandering to it for fear of the consequences and call him on it. You are out tonight, dinner for him and the kids is his responsibility, not yours. Don't engage, go and have a bath and get ready. Ignore his sulks. See how he reacts.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

And this is all deliberate on his part; he is enjoying on some level having you walk around on eggshells aka living in fear.

[Georgethesecond]

Attila - do you sometimes NOT say LTB??

[AmberLeaf]

The PA/silent treatment is your punishment for doing something he doesn't want you to do.

His aim is to make his punishment outweigh the positives of your night out, so that it isn't worth going out because of the horribleness with him.

Giving someone the silent treatment is so disrespectful.

[chipshop]

How on earth do you cope with that behaviour? It would drive me insane. I'd feel completely trapped. I'd be telling him it was completely unacceptable behaviour and if it continued our relationship wouldn't.

[AmberLeaf]

Enjoy your night.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

He probably could not have done enough for you in the early days of this could he?. That was a mirage, it was all designed to suck you in and get you emotionally invested enough so that you felt it would hurt him to back out.

Things are often "good" in the early days and many, many women underplay or simply do not recognise the subtle red flags. Those flags though were there and over the years he has upped the power and control ante quite considerably. Those good times in the early days have undoubtedly lessened over time till you have arrived at the state you are in now.

It also does not do your 17 year old any favours to see all this either because he could well take this as his "norm" in any future relationship he has.

[HelpMeGetOutOfHere]

Too late vue fed the kids. Didn't want them to suffer. They are 17, 12 and 8. I know ds1 is capable of cooking and he would have done if I had asked. Ds1 doesn't get on with his dad and I hate that. I wanted my children to be close to their dad, he definitely favours ds2 and dd.

[Itsfab]

HelpMe and Coventry - why why why are you still with this dickheads? They are controlling arseholes who suck the joy out of life. Why do you think you don't deserve better?

OP - is your username relevant, as it certainly appears like it is.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

George,

In controlling relationships there is really no other option but to leave. Controlling behaviour like this man is doing to the OP is abusive behaviour.

This is not going to get any better for the OP if she stays within this.
I daresay as well she will not realise the full extent of what he has done to her until she is fully away from him as well.

[OnlyLovers]

This categorically does not happen to me and I wouldn't stand for it. It's not normal or functional. If he says nothing's wrong, list all the ways in which he's behaving badly/oddly and see what his response is.

Although this is obviously just one symptom of things generally not being good. I agree with Attila about the power and control thing.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

HelpMeGetOutOfHere,

"They are 17, 12 and 8. I know ds1 is capable of cooking and he would have done if I had asked. Ds1 doesn't get on with his dad and I hate that. I wanted my children to be close to their dad, he definitely favours ds2 and dd".

Am not totally surprised that your eldest does not get on with his dad at all because he also sees too clearly how you as his mother is treated by this man you are with. Are DS2 and DD his own biological children as well, that may also explain why he is favouring them. Yet another reason amongst many for you to give him the boot.

[cantbelievethisishppening]

Don't indulge him. Don't ask him what's wrong. Don't acknowledge his moods at all. If he ignores you then so be it. Carry on with your day as normal. He is acting like a prick.

[HelpMeGetOutOfHere]

Thank you amber leaf.

Yes thing were good, very good. I am pretty sure it's not money, like I said we do have 'enough' money but up to about 5 years ago we had a lot more disposable income. He doesn't complain or even question cash. It just is me going out. But yet he's happy to stay at home and do bog all.

[ThinkIveBeenHacked]

My DH doesnt drive and never once has he asked for a lift anywhere. I offer, whenever I am free, to drop him or pick him up from place and 99 percent of the time he declines.

He is happy to get himself around, has been doing it since he was a teen

I wouldnt not drink on a rare night out so I could give him a lift somewhere the next day - why, when he is being so arsey are you going out of your way to be so accomodating??

DH and I have a rule where who ever books something in first gets it. If he makes plans, it is assumed I will be in for DD (3) and if I make plans, vice versa. If the one who is to remain at home with DD then gets an invite somewhere and wants to go, its up to them to sort childcare. it works a treat for us. I hate when all thw parenting and thinking in a relationship falls to one person.

OP your DH is a stroppy git and frankly id be going out more to get away from him.

[Bloodyteenagers]

We went through a stage of the passive aggressive rubbish. Lasted about 6 months. I was going out more and he didn't like it. The sulking, the stomping around, the ignoring me.
Then I snapped and asked him wtf the problem was.. He denied there was. So I asked him straight why the hell he was acting like a tantruming child, having a strop because he wasn't get what he wanted. Which even more bloody childish of him, he couldn't be a mature grown up and explain what the problem was. You know, like what normal, mature people do. Communicate. But regardless of his trantrums I was going out and either he could like it or lump it.

Never got to the root of the problem. But have one less teen in the house.

[Itsfab]

He doesn't want you to have a life that doesn't involve him. He wants him to be all you have. You need to ask why.

Hope you enjoy your evening .

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Again, read the book I recommended to you. He is in those pages.

My guess is that he has done many of the behaviours listed below as well:-

Initial Infatuation Period

He is extremely attentive, phones, emails or texts constantly

He gets serious fast. Talks about the love of his life, or moving in together.

He is jealous – which might flatter you at first. ‘It is only because I love you so much’


In this period, he will bring flowers and gifts, treat you like a ‘princess’, be loving and caring. You might feel uneasy about the speed of the relationship but don’t want to rock the boat because he is so different from the guys who want to play the field.



First Doubts

He blames others eg for his failed marriage or relationship. ‘My ex is a real bitch, I am so glad that I have found you’.

He tries to change you. Your hair, make up, clothes. In a subtle way, eg. by bringing you presents very different to the clothes you would normally wear.

He tries to stop you seeing your friends. ‘I just want to be with you, I want to spend time with you’.

He doesn’t take notice of your feelings, ‘Don’t be silly…’

In this period, you might have moments of misgiving, but then he backs off and is the loving attentive man you first fell for.


Sowing The Seeds of Self-Doubt

He puts you down, at first when you are alone but later in front of others, often disguised as a joke.

He makes comments about your appearance, making you feel less attractive.

His digs are subtle, and when you call him on them, he is offended and upset that you ‘didn’t get his joke’.

He insults your friends, and tries to stop you seeing them.

He is moody and unpredictable, but blames his bad moods on you so you start adapting your behaviour to keep him happy.

He accuses you of being unfaithful, or of flirting with other men.

He ignores you, if you do something that displeases him, and ‘rewards’ you with his attention and affection when he is pleased with you.


By now, you are already doubting yourself, and beginning to refer to him for minor and major decision making.


Escalation of Abuse

He stops you doing what you want, or seeing who you want.

He isolates you financially, making you dependent on him.

He blames you for anything that goes wrong.

He becomes more abusive, both verbally and physically

He becomes upset if you talk of leaving him, and threatens to do himself harm


By this point, you are cowed. You are frightened and isolated. You barely say anything, for fear of saying the wrong thing.

[HelpMeGetOutOfHere]

All dc are his.

I name changed for this as I know people in real life who know my user name so didn't want them to see it. Yes probably tonight I might have left if I could. I'm trying not to be rash and to get some balls and have it out with him.

I don't think he thinks I'm up to anything or am going to have an affair I think he just genuinely doesn't see why I need to go out when he's not bothered and so thinks I should be happy to just be the five of us in our own unit.