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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH Wont sleep with me

62 replies

needcoffee1982 · 08/05/2014 18:26

Since ds was born 11 months ago dh has only slept in the bed a handful of times we've only had sex twice. Ds co-sleeps and breastfeeds which is the main reason dh sleeps on the sofa and doesnt want to disturb ds when getting up for work. I asked him why he doesnt sleep in the bed at weekends and his response was he doesn't want me to grope him. I think hes making excuses and doesnt want me anymore. Any words of advice much appreciated tia

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/05/2014 18:30

I think you need an honest conversation because you're getting conflicting answers. Is his reason for sleeping alone because he doesn't want to disturb the baby, because he doesn't want to be 'groped' or for some other reason? Tell him that you miss the intimacy of sleeping together and then get an honest answer out of him, even if you don't like what it is.

Original poster
needcoffee1982 · 08/05/2014 20:20

Still getting the same answers. He doesn't want to wake ds and doesnt want ds waking him cuz hes got work

OP posts:
Essexmanview · 08/05/2014 20:24

Some men sadly find a woman less of a turn on when she becomes a mother. Maybe there is an element of that in your situation.

BarbarianMum · 08/05/2014 20:28

Personally I couldn't handle co-sleeping at all (am I'm a mum who pre-babies was very keen on the idea).

Dh found it completely impossible to be intimate with a baby in the room.

Maybe time to change the sleeping arrangements?

Ziplex · 08/05/2014 20:30

Does he mean that he thinks you would grope him whilst baby is in bed with you? If so I can understand, I wouldn't want any sexual activity if my baby was in the same room.
I also sleep on the sofa ( drives my husband mad) it isn't because I don't want to be beside him I just get a better rest sleeping alone.
I love my husband with all my heart, I find him sexy, funny etc and I want sex with him but I don't want to sleep beside him.

HotSauceCommittee · 08/05/2014 20:32

Sex with a baby in the same bed would be gross. Why would you want to even grope your DH when the baby is in the same bed?

HecatePropylaea · 08/05/2014 20:36

Well, are you 'groping' him? Is the first question.

Men don't necessarily want to be groped any more than women do, even if the groper is someone they are in a relationship with.

I think what you need is to sit down and have a talk about sex and intimacy and why he feels that what you are doing is 'groping'.

Original poster
needcoffee1982 · 08/05/2014 21:22

I dont grope him unless hes groped me first but he usually only does that when im cooking and hes just got in from work. He ignores me for the rest of the evening playing computer games or watching films

OP posts:
Thatsjustme · 08/05/2014 21:37

Can u not get an evening alone to dtd?

HecatePropylaea · 08/05/2014 21:38

That's really sad. Im sorry. You must feel very rejected.

Stupid question i suppose but have you said how you feel? What has his response been?

Casmama · 08/05/2014 21:43

Might not be relevant but how was the birth?
I ask because my DS was born in theater with forceps and the delivery was quite brutal and very bloody. It was only about a year or so after he was born that I understood how traumatic my dh found it and that for him sex brought up the memories for some time.

Raskova · 08/05/2014 21:44

I kind of know how you feel, though you have it much worse than I did so I really really feel for you. Each rejection cut me like a knife.

I agree with pp, perhaps it's time to change the sleeping arrangements. When DD was little her dad would go into the spare room when she cried as he had work, even at weekends as I think it was a habit. Could this be the case for you?

It's great that he does still grope you when he comes home tho Grin that shows he has some appeal to you!

Could you maybe spice things up by cooking in a very sexy outfit/underwear? Or after putting DS to bed coming downstairs in the same

AnyFucker · 08/05/2014 21:47

do you "grope" him ?

Viviennemary · 08/05/2014 21:51

I think co-sleeping is a totally mad idea. But that's only my opinion. Can't see why anyone would do it as a permanent sleeping arrangement. If a child is ill or distressed maybe for a few nights but as a regular thing absolutely not.

eightyearsonhere · 08/05/2014 21:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
needcoffee1982 · 08/05/2014 21:53

Cant get time alone as no one to have dc's. I have older dc's from previous r-ship and im busy helping with homework in evenings. He doesnt really do much with them cuz hes tired after work so I do baths and bed etc

OP posts:
Original poster
needcoffee1982 · 08/05/2014 21:55

The baby wont sleep alone, not even in the day when hehas his naps, he will only go to sleep on the boob and wakes if iI put him down

OP posts:
squizita · 08/05/2014 22:01

The idea that you both 'grope' the other unawares is a bit Hmm to me.

YABU if you do grope him and he doesn't like it (imagine if a man did it to a woman). Especially with a child in the room. Likewise him having a grab as you cook then skulking off to game is not romantic or sexy IMO.

You need a proper chat.
Why does he feel uncomfortable and unrested?
Is the groping issue just that or a wider sexual issue?

I have a sleep disorder, DH sometimes sleeps elsewhere as I am restless. This isn't rejection, its practical. However, he gives a clear reason why! Not skulking/sulking.

cjelh · 08/05/2014 22:02

baby will have to learn to sleep on his own if you want H back in your bed

trikken · 08/05/2014 22:06

Baby in the bed puts me off and I know dh would be put off. You need separate time from the babe to gain the intimacy back between you. It does sound like he might have other issues going on though.

Raskova · 08/05/2014 22:12

Yes cooking in a sexy outfit. It's not unheard of to spice things up!

Yes you need a deep conversation first and foremost but there are other ways that changes clearly need to be made. Perhaps what I suggested could be one.

I'm guessing by grope you mean a cheeky pat on the bum etc and he doesn't stand there feeling you up like a perv.

littleballerina · 08/05/2014 22:14

Poor chap can probably never get you to himself.

MistressDeeCee · 08/05/2014 23:02

littleballerina - very bluntly put! But I think you are right.

You, baby & DH in the bed may be 'unsexy' for him, OP. Im not saying he is right to feel this way but although we know how things should/could be in a perfect world, there's no accounting for how people feel

Nothing wrong at all with trying to spice things up, if you want to. But given that it sounds as if he ignores you a lot of the time and seems to find you unsexy then you do need an honest talk with him. I think his groping comment to you is just an excuse. If he's not going to be 'real' about his feelings though, thats going to be a difficult one. You may know best how to approach him to get the truth out of him. Good luck

MistressDeeCee · 08/05/2014 23:07

& its not as if you only have to do it in bed anyway - don't you have any 'me' time at all? Doesnt sound like it from what you've said. If its all taken up with the elder DCs + baby + baby sleeps with you at night well then...where's the time anyway? Thats if its the case (which I suspect it is) that he feels its all about the baby now, and/or baby in the bed doesnt exactly make him feel sexy and he's expected to perform 'on tap' at night. Not trying to be critical OP, just wondering about scenario. Hope you can get this sorted out, can't be nice to live with at all

littleballerina · 08/05/2014 23:07

Sorry, didn't mean it to be so blunt but I do feel for him and for you!

I used to co sleep with my youngest but luckily couldn't stand my husband Wink

I loved every second of co sleeping but didn't ever get me time so I can see how it may interfere with your relationship with your dh.

Wait till the older dc are in bed, cook a nice meal for the two of you and try to chat- just about your day etc, no computer games, laptops or phones just conversation.