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Original poster

DH Wont sleep with me

62 replies

needcoffee1982 · 08/05/2014 18:26

Since ds was born 11 months ago dh has only slept in the bed a handful of times we've only had sex twice. Ds co-sleeps and breastfeeds which is the main reason dh sleeps on the sofa and doesnt want to disturb ds when getting up for work. I asked him why he doesnt sleep in the bed at weekends and his response was he doesn't want me to grope him. I think hes making excuses and doesnt want me anymore. Any words of advice much appreciated tia

OP posts:
Original poster
needcoffee1982 · 09/05/2014 08:07

Thanks everyone. Will be having a chat ovrr the weekend with dh

OP posts:
JaackSparroww · 09/05/2014 13:23

Have a chat. I read that when a woman becomes a mother, the husband/partner will no longer see her as being sexual, as she is now "the mother of his child" not "the woman he loves and wants to have sex with" this is extremely high with men who watch the birth. My mother and I have very frank conversations about relationships and I asked her about this and she said she'd send us round to her mothers and stick on some lingerie and initiage it herself. It can either go one way or another. But talk first. I could imagine DC in the bed isn't a turn on for him or you.
I would get some really sexy lingerie and model it for youself first. Feel sexy, and you'll be sexy. Then model it for him if you take DC to your parent's for the night.
Just a suggestion. Good luck!

JaackSparroww · 09/05/2014 13:24

Apologies, just read the part where you said you have no one to take DCs. Have no idea then :(

Anomaly · 09/05/2014 13:27

If your DH was bothered about the sleeping arrangements and the lack of sex surely he would have said something by now? It seems a lot of the advice here is all about the OP putting the effort in to get him interested cooking a meal and dressing up and kicking the baby out of bed. He doesn't sound like he does his fair share of looking after the baby.

I think a frank chat with your DH is required but don't allow him to blame you for the lack of opportunity for sex. Its not your fault you have a Velcro baby.

JaackSparroww · 09/05/2014 13:32

Its definitely no ones fault! Boob is where baby likes best! Personally I would initiate it, but everyone's different. It will take some time. (my parents would never have sex if we were even in the house, they dumped us with Grandparents Grin) See if you can go into the childcare threads and look for, or post, something about velcro babies. See if anyone can give you advice on how to stop co-sleeping.

Raskova · 09/05/2014 13:36

Anomaly, I'm not sure that's true. From my experience, he was bothered but he also felt baby came first so felt guilty and selfish about his feelings and so kept them to himself.

Ivehearditallnow · 09/05/2014 13:41

I'm still chuckling at 'cooking in a sexy outfit' haha.

How are you OP? x

Ivehearditallnow · 09/05/2014 13:42

Oh sorry just spotted post about chatting at weekend - good luck x

squizita · 09/05/2014 13:43

(my parents would never have sex if we were even in the house, they dumped us with Grandparents grin)

Wow. Was it a very small house/flat? Grin

I've read a lot on sexuality (back in my studies). Whilst it's true that a man's perception of his wife can change, sometimes the woman can be encouraged to see herself as no longer sexual (and many communities encourage this as it makes for obedient women! Connotations of sexual: flighty, young, mouth=kissing, breasts/hips= attract men ...i.e. bad mother material in contrast to a steady woman who can control her urges and whose breasts are for food, mouth for communication). I think I have seen this in women I know - and it's deeper than some undies would fix! They see it as a moral thing (e.g. one I know is "revulsed" by the fact her DH finds her bust attractive as they're "for feeding not sex" - but that is an extreme case). I wonder if on a smaller level something like this is happening between both of them?

JaackSparroww · 09/05/2014 13:50

haha squizita no, but my mother's bed is nearly 25 years old and creaks! She won't get rid of it but they really would never DTD with us in the house, the walls are like paper.

Sexuality is one of my interests so I read a lot into it too. I know a lot of women who won't even BF because her DPs mouth has been around it and wouldn't like a baby's mouth around it as it'd turn her on Grin thats my scare too. I wouldn't want to be turned on by a baby. Isn't the human body strange? The mind is even weirder. Like i said, if he watched the birth he might get flashbacks of it and it turns him off knowing his DC came out of there. Men for you.

squizita · 09/05/2014 14:36

Jaack yes I find hard to handle the idea from some women that breasts being in any way sexual is "wrong", "anti breastfeeding" and new (yes, the way enormous plastic boobs are all over mags in shops is wrong and new, but they've been sexual throughout history). The fact we are now almost expected to be on 'one side or the other' is the new thing: utterly sexualised or utterly not. It almost harks back to Virgin/Mother/Whore imagery.

I think perhaps our ancestors were a bit more balanced in their outlook, being closer to life/death day-to-day.

It intrigues me that mouths are not considered in the same way: everyone accepts the same mouth can be sexual (lipstick, kissing, sexual acts), maternal (kissing a child better, comforting, spit-wiping), and functional (eating, breathing, coughing).

BarbarianMum · 09/05/2014 14:49

Have to admit that I regarded my breasts as strictly non-sexual when they were producing milk. But that was just a phase...

squizita · 09/05/2014 15:39

Barbarian yes, I was talking more about people who think it's an 'always' thing (I've interviewed some)!

JaackSparroww · 09/05/2014 15:42

My dp was joking "what if when you get pregnant and your boobs start producing milk in my mouth?!?" It made me cringe! I think i'd make them off limits while producing milk. Not sure whether I would BF though... I know it's best for baby but I wasn't BFd.

squizita · 09/05/2014 16:30

My DH is a bit politically correct at me which winds me up... "oh your body will change as you age and it will be wonderful" well actually I get to choose what's wonderful for me. If I want to be a shallow fecker let me (not actually that bothered, but it winds me up!).

Raskova · 09/05/2014 18:44

I remember watching a documentary where a woman had a boob job through the nipple to avoid scarring but could no longer breast feed. She said she'd never even consider bf ing anyway as they were purely for sexual enjoyment.

I am a strange one as think they are very sexual but very pro breast feeding. (Not breastapo, just if you can you should try it. If you don't/can't then you ff.) I remember wondering if it would change my mind on boobs but it didn't. They were just in a bra hidden for six months (to hide any embarrassing leaks). I remember DDs DF saying my boobs had got loads bigger. When I replied 'ooh that's good for you then' he said 'well they're no good to me at the minute' and half laughed. He was always so thoughtful and kind Shock

squizita · 09/05/2014 19:00

Raskova similar mindset to yours! :) I think many women are but it seems to be something not said over 30 (I wonder if its an ageism thing: young "unused" boobs being sexy, big old used ones being mumsy... Or perhaps we just get more reserved).

Raskova · 09/05/2014 19:43

It's a very good point re age. I'm 26. The vast majority of my friends formula fed without giving a thought. Many using cosmetics/aesthetics as the only reason. The only people I know that breastfeed either stopped very quickly or were over 30. Generally mid to late.

No idea what men think. Never asked them. I have heard about 'the Madonna and the whore' tho. It's an understandable concept, what with men not being able to multi task and that Wink

Anomaly · 09/05/2014 20:21

Breastfeeding is positively correlated with the level of the mother's education. Better educated women are more likely to delay motherhood so you will see a pattern of younger women being more likely to formula feed and less likely to breastfeed.

OP I hope you get some where with your chat with your dp.

Raskova · 09/05/2014 20:24

Generally my mates are to put it politely less educated. I've got a degree. Only one other graduate has a baby (twins) and that was a whoops while at UNi. So agree with that too.

Raskova · 09/05/2014 20:28

Need, will you let us know how the chat goes? Wishing you lots of luck Grin

Bunbaker · 09/05/2014 20:40

I know someone who co-slept with all of her children. The only thing was that as her family grew she had to get a bigger bed. I remember seeing her bedroom that was entirely overtaken by this huge bed for the mother and her three children. Her husband slept in the spare room.

The marriage hasn't survived.

MrsDiesel · 09/05/2014 20:46

We co sleep with baby and have a sexual relationship. Sex doesn't have to be in a bed, leather sofa and wooden floor is easy cleaned!

If your dp is coming in from work with a sexual appetite hence the groping, but going off to play games I wonder if he smokes weed? I might be way off here and apologies if I am....

Raskova · 09/05/2014 20:49

DDs DF used to smoke a lot of weed when we were students and after. I never noticed it affect him that way. Does it?

SourSweets · 09/05/2014 21:04

Erm... I don't think it's a given that your husband will not find you sexy after you've had a baby. It hasn't impacted my husband's opinion of me as a sexually attractive being at all, you don't have to be one thing or another, you can be both.

As for getting turned on by your baby breastfeeding... Hmm

Back to the OP, I think it's great that you're going to have a frank conversation with your DH, I hope it goes well. 11 months is still early days and co-sleeping (while a great choice for some) won't be helping your relationship with your husband. But that doesn't mean it's gone forever, it might just take a little adjusting. Good luck.