Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My older brother dating my younger woman?

67 replies

brookbox · 06/05/2014 17:23

My brother is 46 and has been single for 8 years now. After his last relationship ended with her cheating on him he threw himself into his work and closed himself off emotionally, physically.
He is very confident and in control in his work life but personally he is shy and reserved, he is very loving and reliable but its difficult for women to know that.
Anyway it was a big shock when he told me that he had started seeing someone and he wanted me to meet her, he sounded excited and I was happy for him and looking forward to meeting her.

Well she is 22 and very, very beautiful, shy and sweet and not stupid as she is currently studying for her Masters degree. My brother looked like he just wanted to eat her up everytime he looked at her and I get the impression the relationship is very sexual.

He is totally smitten and she seems to care for him but I can't see it working out and I think he is going to get badly hurt again. I don't suppose I can do anything to alter the outcome of this but I do feel he is wasting time on a relationship that cannot last and that it could send him right back to being isolated again.

Any advice on anything I can say to him about this?

OP posts:
Canus · 06/05/2014 17:25

I wouldn't say anything at all.

Why piss on their parade? ?hat good woul it do?

Jan45 · 06/05/2014 17:26

Butt out and let him finally have some fun?

I know you care but honestly, it really is none of your business.

chipsandpeas · 06/05/2014 17:27

i would leave him to it and not say anything

yoyo27 · 06/05/2014 17:27

Why couldn't it work? Because of the age gap?

kinkyfuckery · 06/05/2014 17:28

Why do you say it 'cannot last'? Do you have any basis for that?

Pagwatch · 06/05/2014 17:28

He is 46. He is happy. It's not really any of your business is it?

ShatnersBassoon · 06/05/2014 17:29

You don't need to protect him from a woman who's happy being with him Confused

ClubName · 06/05/2014 17:32

Loads of people will come on and say its none of your business or the age gap doesn't matter. I would feel like you but there's nothing you can do so be pleased that he's happy and know that you Will be there should he need you.

Not all relationships are destined to last but that doesn't mean we shouldn't enjoy them while they do.

Original poster
brookbox · 06/05/2014 17:35

She is young and beautiful, he is still a handsome man but he is 24 years older than her. Thats a big age gap. If he were a different man, more casual or carefree I might just chalk it up as a bit of fun for him but he loves her and in time she will move on to someone more suitable and he will be devestated. If he thinks it can last or that he won't have to pay a price for it he is mistaken.

OP posts:
Original poster
brookbox · 06/05/2014 17:37

Thank you clubname, I appreciate you seeing it how I do. I know there is nothing really I can do except hope the fall out isn't so bad.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 06/05/2014 17:37

Nope, you don't know that will happen at all.

He's an adult, she's an adult, leave them to it, of course I'd think they same as you but I'd keep my mouth shut out of respect for his choices.

prh47bridge · 06/05/2014 17:38

in time she will move on to someone more suitable

You don't know that. She might, she might not. Some relationships with large age gaps do last.

MirandaGoshawk · 06/05/2014 17:39

Better to have loved and lost... Just be happy for them both. Maybe things have been difficult for her too.

Purpleroxy · 06/05/2014 17:40

You can't really say anything without causing bad feeling. But I would feel the same as you.

TheLastNameLeft · 06/05/2014 17:40

I'd leave it too. I can understand your reservations OP but he will not be able to see them in the current situation..as someone has already said, be there for the fall out IF it happens. Me I genuinely hope it lasts and he is deliriously happy for the rest of his life, sounds likes he deserves it :)

BillyBanter · 06/05/2014 17:40

If he was smitten with a 40 year old or a 50 year old they still might split in the future. In fact whoever he is seeing just now, they will probably split up. Most relationships end in splitting up.

hellymelly · 06/05/2014 17:45

My friend has the same gap and has been happily married for over a decade. Unlikely relationships can and do work out every day. I can see that you want him to be ok, and it probably feels strange that she is so young, but over time you will get to know her and it may well all be fine. No one can predict how any relationship will end up. I have had friends divorce who seemed absolutely well suited and happy, and others who I would have imagined lasting months at best are still together. It is all a mystery, so leave him to his happiness.

Hedgehead · 06/05/2014 17:49

I agree with you that this is a difficult combination of ages. I too was in two longterm relationships, one with a 20 year age gap and one with a 25 year age gap. It can lead to a lot of misunderstanding and expectations of the other which become controlling and pressurising.

One thing I will say though, if you are worried about HIS feelings being hurt primarily, is that he probably feels more in control of this than you think. Whatever deal they have of needs being met (I don't mean 'official' deal, I mean like any exchange in any relationship) it is obviously working for them at the moment. And if they choose to grow together, it can keep working...

myitchybeaver · 06/05/2014 17:52

I currently look after a 95 year old man with a 70 year old wife. They said it wouldn't last when they married 50 years ago.
A friend of mine has been married 22 years and is 20 years younger than her DH.

Don't be so judgemental!

WorraLiberty · 06/05/2014 17:52

in time she will move on to someone more suitable

Do you always state your opinions as facts?

buzzardbuzzard · 06/05/2014 17:53

I was that 22 year old and when I started to think about babies I had to end the Relationship, fearing that by the time I was ready career wise he would be in his 50's. I met someone more suitable and we are getting married. Not a day goes by where I don't feel utterly guilty for ending it like that, I know we can never be friends and I miss his friendship.
I too think it's tough. But noone can really tell him, he needs to learn for himself.

yoyo27 · 06/05/2014 17:54

My father is about to turn 60....his wife is late 30's/early 40's and they've been married for about 15 years

Hickorydickory12 · 06/05/2014 17:57

A 24 year age gap is huge. She could be his daughter. How did they meet? He must have gone looking for a girl that age?
There isn't much you can do. He no doubt realises the age gap and what that means, but prob can't believe his luck.
Just let them be. It is probably a huge boost for him which he prob needs.

MrWalletwithMothsonboard · 06/05/2014 17:58

Many men will be filled with envy. Let him have his day. He can cry on your shoulder if it does go pear shaped.

CointreauVersial · 06/05/2014 18:06

I imagine he has had the very same thoughts himself, and is probably just waiting for the first person to tell him he's "bound to get hurt".

It might have a future, it might not, but it isn't your place to point out your doubts. Just enjoy the fact that he's happy.

There was a thread on MN a few weeks ago, and there were all sorts of age gaps. I think 34 years was the largest mentioned.