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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My older brother dating my younger woman?

67 replies

brookbox · 06/05/2014 17:23

My brother is 46 and has been single for 8 years now. After his last relationship ended with her cheating on him he threw himself into his work and closed himself off emotionally, physically.
He is very confident and in control in his work life but personally he is shy and reserved, he is very loving and reliable but its difficult for women to know that.
Anyway it was a big shock when he told me that he had started seeing someone and he wanted me to meet her, he sounded excited and I was happy for him and looking forward to meeting her.

Well she is 22 and very, very beautiful, shy and sweet and not stupid as she is currently studying for her Masters degree. My brother looked like he just wanted to eat her up everytime he looked at her and I get the impression the relationship is very sexual.

He is totally smitten and she seems to care for him but I can't see it working out and I think he is going to get badly hurt again. I don't suppose I can do anything to alter the outcome of this but I do feel he is wasting time on a relationship that cannot last and that it could send him right back to being isolated again.

Any advice on anything I can say to him about this?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/05/2014 18:08

You speculating about your brother's "very sexual" relationship comes across as a bit odd.

nochips · 06/05/2014 18:10

I have a similar age gap, and we have been married nearly 10 years and been together alot longer than that. neither of us are going anywhere (I hope!).

I know bigger age gaps than that which work. You seriously have to let them get on with it. The worst thing is for them to think everyone is against them. There are still people in DH's circle who refuse to acknowledge my existence because of the age gap- they assumed i was a bimbo or out for something. There are also others who thought i married him for his money. The little fact that i out earned DH until fairly recently escaped them.

The only disadvantage I have encountered personally? well, when you are the much younger partner you get in the habit of thinking yourself as 'a young 'un'. I finally realised properly a few days back that actually I am now officially middle aged!

Anyway. The short version is - Be happy for him. Butt out.

nochips · 06/05/2014 18:20

... oh, and don't worry too much. They are both adults. If you think based on actual evidence that she is out for something or will take him for a ride, address it then. They may be in love and she may be perfect for him.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 06/05/2014 18:24

Good God.

This is just simply nothing whatsoever to do with you.

You got the impression their relationship is very sexual? Why are you even thinking that? Don't you think your sense of - erm - concern for your brother could do with a bit of toning down? You sound just a little obsessed.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 06/05/2014 18:28

I'm afraid I'm siding with everyone else here. It's absolutely nothing to do with you and your feelings are defined by your arbitrary and prejudicial assumptions. Stay out of it.

AnyFucker · 06/05/2014 18:32

OP, don't you feel a little bit embarassed at how much thought and imagery you have invested in your brother's sex life ? < shudder >

Rebecca2014 · 06/05/2014 18:42

You are worried for your 46 year old brother? he has bagged a woman more than half his age, I am sure he is loving it.

If that was my daughter I be worried about her dating an man old enough to be her father! He doesn't need your worry.

FlyingGoose · 06/05/2014 18:49

I met my partner when i was 23 and he was 44, six years later we are very happy with two lovely children. However our friends and family were happy for us and supported us. Relationships go wrong all the time, age gap or not. Try and put your reservations to one side and be happy for him.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 06/05/2014 18:55

"I get the impression the relationship is very sexual."

Jeez, two grown adults in the first flush of a new relationship: I sincerely hope that it is very sexual. Very sexual indeed.

It doesn't matter what you think of the disparity in ages. He's happy. She's happy. It's extremely presumptuous of you to decide that their relationship won't go anywhere. Imagine your discomfort in years to come when they're still together and you've tried to talk your bro out of being with this beautiful, intelligent young woman who is perfectly suited to him.

My advice is for you to keep your counsel before you make a monumental fool of yourself.

Hickorydickory12 · 06/05/2014 19:00

If it was my daughter, the boyfriend would be older then her own mum and dad.
I suspect her parents would be concerned. I would be if it was my daughter. After all there is really only one reason why a 46 year old man is interested in a 22 year old. And please don't say it's for her brains!

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 06/05/2014 19:05

Only one reason? I think not

Hickorydickory12 · 06/05/2014 19:09

Well I'm sure there are reasons, but I suspect it is because she is young, pert and beautiful.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 06/05/2014 19:10

My mother is 83 and her bf is 57, they've been together since 1989 and are still happy. Law of averages say it won't last due to him outliving her but he won't leave her. So it can work.

MarcusAurelius · 06/05/2014 19:10

I get the impression the relationship is very sexual.

Lets hope so, a new relationship that isn't sexual isn't going to be much fun is it.

Hickorydickory12 · 06/05/2014 19:11

And no I don't see it lasting long term either. Very different stages of life. Would you want your 25 year daughter to marry a 50 year old man? Honestly hand on heart?

Fairylea · 06/05/2014 19:16

Good for them. Two people in love and having a lot of sex. What's not to like?

I've been married 3 times. Life goes on. Better to have loved and lost and all that. Otherwise life is pretty boring really.

gamerchick · 06/05/2014 19:18

I really don't understand what your problem is.. he's happy, why would you want to piss all over that?

Leave him alone, it might work out and it might not.. such is the world. Let him be happy now.

nochips · 06/05/2014 19:19

Hand on heart Hickory I was that daughter and in the early days, when I asked my DParents what they really thought, the response from my dad was that it is a truly special, wondrous thing to find anyone to love, who loves you,and wasn't it wonderful that it had happened to us.

Relationships do not'work' because all the little boxes of 'right education, right class, right age' tick. Relationships work because of something other.

the relationship the OP's brother is in may not work. But if it does not, then it may not be about the 'age'.

MelonadeAgain · 06/05/2014 19:33

I'm a bit suspicious of older men with much younger, often more naïve women who would tend to put up with things women their own age wouldn't. I wonder why his last relationship ended really.

But anyway, you can't possibly know. I wouldn't like it myself, a much older man, I'd feel I was getting the short end of the straw.

tbh I'd be surprised if it lasted, or lasted happily. But if he wanted a settled relationship, he would surely have gone out there and made damned sure he got into one by now. So he probably is thinking more short term, about enjoying a couple of good years. My guess anyway.

cloggal · 06/05/2014 19:52

I'm with the majority here OP.
If she was 22 and not very physically attractive would you feel the same way? I hope your brother is enjoying his very sexual relationship with his very beautiful girlfriend, it will do wonders for his self esteem after what he has been through. Definitely keep quiet. Definitely.

Chaseface · 06/05/2014 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PortofinoRevisited · 06/05/2014 20:24

It's absolutely none of your business.

Lweji · 06/05/2014 20:44

Chaseface, I think it was How I Met Your Mother's Barney

Hiawatha44 · 06/05/2014 21:01

I have a 33 year age gap we've been together 15 years and are very happy yes people said it wouldn't work, but it has. Let them be and if it does fall apart be there to pick up the pieces like you would if a non age gap relationship fell apart

bareted · 06/05/2014 21:20

AF has hit the button, as usual.

I also think the rather definitive pronunciation on what your brothers personality is like, is probably inaccurate. A lot of people have "sides" they don't want to show to their sibling.

OP, why are you putting so much thought into this? Don't you have a sex life of your own to worry about?

Shake her hand and go "nice to meet you" and forget about it.

I knew a slightly eccentric 40ish year old whose mother and sister were OBSESSED with his life. I don't mean concern: I mean like control, he's one of those creative artist types, and I think it was the bane of his life and really stymied his personal development that they regarded him as "theirs" and as a "fixer upper" rather than let him find his own way to being a man.

He spends time when he's away from them moaning about what PITA they were, and the tyranny of women, and just dating very unsuitable women and socialising with very unsuitable men to get back at them Hmm

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