Are my expectations unreasonable?

[BlueCardy]

Married 6 years, have 1 DC. DH had some employment instability but has been in a secure job for almost 2 years.
We live in his house, 8 years left on mortgage, mortgage changed to interest only when he had job worries. I organise finances.
Almost 2 years ago I asked him, once he had settled into his job, to
-organise changing back to repayments.
-sort out/give me details of pre-existing debt so I could organise repayments/sort out where we stand financially.
Over 1 year ago we discussed trying for a second child and identified that we'd start this around April 2014 (IVF). I asked him again to sort out these issues not least because our current house is too small for a family of 4.
We are good to go for the IVF next month yet my DH has still done nothing I have asked.
We discuss the issue every few months - I have cried/shouted/begged/explained calmly what needs to be done and why yet wrt finances, he has done nothing. As far as I am concerned these things NEED to be done to organise and secure our future for the DC we already have.

There are other things I have been waiting for years for him to do but I think this is the most important.
I am at the end of my tether (hence this thread). I have explained to him many times that the situation is desperate, that I cannot go on like this, that I don't feel able to rely on him and that I have become detached from our relationship. Still nothing but he won't give me a reason either!
I am getting to the point where I feel separation is inevitable. Resentment has grown and grown and our relationship is a mess. I am 37 and I am wasting my life waiting waiting waiting for him to do what needs to be done. I feel so angry all the time.

Anyone awake? Anyone got any advice? Are my expectations unreasonable?

Thanks

What has he said about the list of things you have told him to do.

Could it be that in his heart he doesn't want to go for IVF

I don't think it's the IVf thing (we've got frozen embryos), the whole 'not doing anything' started before that was discussed.

He doesn't say anything just deflects what I say, accuses me of changing my priorities (as to what I want him to do) then uses me asking him to lift my bike out of the shed as an example - as if that is on a par with paying your bloody mortgage!

I think he probably has far more existing debt than you know about. Could he have re-mortgaged? He's deflecting for a reason, this isn't just slackness.

Do you think he just doesn't like been told what to do? He must have said something when you tell him how you feel. He doesn't just stare at you and say nothing does he?

It doesn't sound like he is on board with having another child and to be honest, not sure your relationship sounds in a good place at the moment especially if you are thinking of separating over this.

Bindi: It's not a case of me 'telling him what to do' - it was a case of talking about what needed to be done and him being the only person able to take action. When I tell him how I feel, he nods and agrees and does nothing. Or gets defensive.
I should have said, fertility treatment is obviously now out of the question.
Tortoise: Yes, I have thought that myself but I have seen statements and he hasn't remortgaged. I have access to all accounts as I am the 'organiser'. But as I have told him, I need info to be able to organise!!

But maybe he sees it as you telling him what to do and he has decided to be stubborn.

You say he gets defensive...what does he say then

Says I am 'having a go' - sometimes I am, I admit, because I am so stressed about the whole thing, I have a bit of a rant. I tried saying nothing at all for MONTHS - made no difference. Have discussed it calmly many many times - made no difference.

I just want future security and for me that means knowing where we stand financially. It also means paying our mortgage and not having to rely on a miracle in 8 years when the bank want 80K.

Maybe he doesn't want to change the mortgage for some reason yet. You both don't sound on the same page but to be thinking of separating over this seems very extreme. You say your relationship is bad so I would think that you need to sort out that first.

I should make clear that this inaction transfers into other parts of our lives but this is the most important. E.G 4 years at the last count for a quote for some work that needs doing in the house - work that we don't even have to pay for (a contractor admitted liability). So far, no quote.

Has he said why he doesn't sort the quote thing out?

Yes maybe. Can't think why he wouldn't have shared any reason by now though.
It doesn't feel extreme. It feels scary being married to a 45 year old man who has no financial security, no arrangements for retirement and an 80k mortgage that he's not paying.
But I guess you have answered my question. Thank you.

Nope.

Could you not get the house into joint names and then you could go ahead and sort it out . Then maybe you would feel more on top of this.
He sounds like he is very laid back about things and you are obviously the opposite.

In fact I would have thought that having the house in joint names would be a priority from a legal point of view.

Not sure, I will look into it.

Do I sound really uptight then? (serious question). I suppose I just think it's normal to know what's going on with money and to plan a bit, especially when you have a young child. I am now thinking I have got it all wrong.

No of course your not wrong. But he sounds like he is not on the same page. Just that we are all different and as you are the one in your relationship that sorts the finances then you are obviously the one who will always be worrying about things . Trying to change him wont work. What are his good points Blue.

He may just be one of life's almight procrastinators. If he is, then you have to decide whether or not you can put up with the frustrations for the rest of your married life or not.

Or, there may be some underlying reason why he won't look into changing the mortgage - maybe his credit rating is shot and he knows full well that he won't be able to change it? In which case he should have told you - secrets re. finance in a marriage are very bad for morale.

Re. the quote for work redressing a contractor's error - I would think the contractor has forgotten all about this by now and might refuse to pay, as prices would have gone up since the original error. It might be too late for this. As a matter of interest, why did you not arrange for someone to come in and give a quote yourself? I think you probably could have done that, you don't need to be the actual owner to arrange the quote, it just has to be done in your H's name.

Do you have a joint account? And if so, where is the mortgage paid out from, the joint account or his own? I agree with Bindi that you really need to try and get your name on the house papers as well, if you can.

It sounds like he has a bit of an ostrich complex - sticks his head in the sand rather than dealing with difficult stuff - if this is the case, then he's not going to deal well with threats to leave him if he doesn't shape up either, he's just going to assume that it won't happen (and everything will blow over) until it does.

If he is a good bloke other than with organisation and finances could you just accept him as he is and for what he brings to the relationship?
Do you really want to split up over this and walk away? Do you love him and does he love you?
These things can be worked upon but if you don't have any positive things to list about him and you think he is just lazy then you need to tell him exactly what you have said here about separating and see what he says. He may agree with you and want to separate if things have got as bad as you say.

Struggling on the good points just lately... Anger and resentment seem to have taken over and I just feel like walking away.
I just want him to make a couple of bloody phonecalls!

Is he a good dad? Is he kind and loving towards you? Does he work hard? Is it worth separating over those couple of phone calls. Get the house in your name and you can then sort out the mortgage. If your thinking that you may leave then you definitely need to get your name on that mortage quickly.

Bindi: No he's not lazy and yes he is a good bloke but I am not sure that I love him as I used to. I feel hurt and let down by him.

Thumb: Yes, I think you're right, I think he just doesn't believe me when I tell him how it's making me feel. I don't think he'll believe me until I actually pack and go (if I ever do).
Re: the quote. He dealt with the complaint/had all the details/kept going on about other stuff that would need to be done at the same time so I stayed out of it. I offered many many times to make the calls when it became apparent that he wasn't going to and he said he was dealing with it (defensive). He didn't..
The mortgage is paid out of his account which I pay into.

I suppose I have to decide if I can put up with this and be responsible for EVERYTHING all the time for the rest of my natural life...

Bindi: he's a brilliant Dad