Are my expectations unreasonable?

[BlueCardy]

Married 6 years, have 1 DC. DH had some employment instability but has been in a secure job for almost 2 years.
We live in his house, 8 years left on mortgage, mortgage changed to interest only when he had job worries. I organise finances.
Almost 2 years ago I asked him, once he had settled into his job, to
-organise changing back to repayments.
-sort out/give me details of pre-existing debt so I could organise repayments/sort out where we stand financially.
Over 1 year ago we discussed trying for a second child and identified that we'd start this around April 2014 (IVF). I asked him again to sort out these issues not least because our current house is too small for a family of 4.
We are good to go for the IVF next month yet my DH has still done nothing I have asked.
We discuss the issue every few months - I have cried/shouted/begged/explained calmly what needs to be done and why yet wrt finances, he has done nothing. As far as I am concerned these things NEED to be done to organise and secure our future for the DC we already have.

There are other things I have been waiting for years for him to do but I think this is the most important.
I am at the end of my tether (hence this thread). I have explained to him many times that the situation is desperate, that I cannot go on like this, that I don't feel able to rely on him and that I have become detached from our relationship. Still nothing but he won't give me a reason either!
I am getting to the point where I feel separation is inevitable. Resentment has grown and grown and our relationship is a mess. I am 37 and I am wasting my life waiting waiting waiting for him to do what needs to be done. I feel so angry all the time.

Anyone awake? Anyone got any advice? Are my expectations unreasonable?

Thanks

Is he responsible for other stuff though. Does he bring lots of good things to the table like chores and cooking, looking after the kids,working hard, being kind to you . Marriage is hard and you do have to adjust to each other. You have not been together all that long so maybe compromise is needed if you are to stay together. Relationships are constantly changing and do need working at. You said that you are wasting your life. If you really think that then there you go but I would say that you are maybe over reacting a bit in the great scheme of things.

Sorry ...didn't mean that marriage is hard, meant to say that marriage can be hard at times whilst we adjust to each other and relationships are always a learning and growing experience.

I would definitely try and talk to him calmly about how you feel in a non judgemental and heartfelt way .

Thing is though, Blue, you would probably be less frustrated if you were able to take care of things yourself - currently he's actively obstructing you from doing so! And you have to wonder why.

Perhaps he feels as though letting you do it would somehow emasculate him, but he isn't doing it himself and letting you do it now would show him up as a failure.

Perhaps he just thinks he "should" be doing this because he's the "man of the house" - I don't know, but whatever the reason, he needs to sort it out PRONTO before it all comes back to bite him in the arse.

Here's a suggestion that might or might not work - ask him why he won't let you do it. Ask him if he thinks you're not clever enough, if he's afraid that you'll do it wrong - ask him if he's scared that you'll think less of him if he hands it over to you. And based on his responses, shoot him down and get him to sort it out. Frogmarch him to the bank, if you have to.

Of course what you really want is a man who will step up to his responsibilities and actually DO the stuff he's supposed to, but since that's clearly not what he's able to do, then you are going to either have to accept that and learn to live with being the responsible "do-er" in the family, or walk away.

But first get him to LET you sort stuff out, since he's clearly not going to.

I am responsible for everything, I do the thinking, planning etc. I have to delegate specifics (e.g take the washing out when I've gone to work) and then he's happy to help.
Yes, I do feel I am wasting my life - waiting and waiting for the basic grown up stuff to be covered so we can look forward and have a happy life.
We are 'scheduled' to talk about this again on Wednesday night but I just feel like I say the same thing everytime.
You have given me more to think about though, grateful for the replies.

Thumb I really can't do this myself - I really would have by now! The debt stuff is from his previous business and he won't/can't give me the details of it so I can't make arrangements to repay. He has to help me - all I am asking for is who we owe and how much. TWO YEARS I've been asking.

Glad he hasn't remortgaged, but I still wonder whether there's more debt stuff than you know about - whether just from the business or otherwise, and that's why he doesn't want to change the mortgage back.

People do have weird blocks about stuff. I'm hopeless at posting things, even when it's important and my very loved DH has asked me whether I've done it, and I have no idea why. So it might just be similar. But my suspicion is that while he was unemployed, he racked up some further credit and told himself that he'd pay it back, and then didn't get around to it, and then the debt grew as these things do and he's panicking a bit. Once it feels like this stuff is a secret, it's easy to despair, and block and lie rather than just own up. Even for otherwise wonderful people.

I don't know how you address it, though. You've already given him a relationship ultimatum, and it hasn't helped, so either you go through with it or you accept that this isn't going to get sorted out.

What is the plan with the house? Sell it and buy a bigger one in joint names? Can you start that process now?

We will either extend or move. No idea what options will be open to us until we know more about the debts because obviously that all needs to considered (declared) when we go for a quote

Sorry, I may not have typed very clearly - I fully understand that you can't do it yourself at the moment because your DH is actively blocking you - what I was saying is that you need to find out WHY he is blocking you from helping and get him to reason that part through - maybe once he stops blocking you, he'll be able to give you the info you need to do it.

I think you are going to have to accept that you will need to do it IF AND WHEN he ever gives you the info you need to do it!

Blue, then can you force his hand by arranging time to go for a quote? Do you have a timeline in place for when you want to extend/move? Have you contemplated that it will be when you're next pregnant? Sorry for all the questions, I'm just trying to think of a way to force this to the breaking point (which is when, I suspect, you will find out stuff you don't know) without you having to leave a relationship which sounds great in every other way.

Ah ok Thumb, yes I have asked him many many times and he doesn't have an answer (or he won't tell me it), he just makes comments to deflect, turns it back on me because I am 'having a go' or suggests I change my priorities all the time (bike/shed example). The other day when I asked him why he hadn't managed to look into these things he suggested it was 'my perception' (WTF???).

Tortoise Yes good idea, a friend has suggested that before. Maybe I will just make an appointment. I suppose I see that as me accepting that, yes, I AM responsible for everything and that NO, he cannot be relied upon. Trouble is that massively pisses me off

Can you turn it around then, rather than asking him why HE won't do it, ask him if he thinks that YOU are incapable in some way? And then if he says no no, of course not, tell him that you CAN and WILL sort it out but he HAS to give you the information to sort it.

Yes Thumb I will try that - sort of have already but I will try again. The thing is, he KNOWS. I got hold of an old credit card statement a while back (turned out he'd been paying the interest only for years...) and it was paid off in 6 months! I can be very organised!!

Good luck - hope it works out for you but I do understand the appalling galling frustration of your situation.

Thank you everyone, your replies and your understanding are v much appreciated. Good to know I'm not completely unreasonable!

BlueCardy your expectations of your DH are totally reasonable. He's being a twat. Financial security is very important and he's putting that at risk. Personally that would be a deal breaker for me. I'd give him a very short deadline to sort this which if he failed to make I'd then tell him to leave. In a worst case scenario you'll sort all the repayments help make them and then split anyway.

I don't think it matters much how good he is in other areas of your marriage because this is a big deal. Continuing with an interest only mortgage is a terrible idea, as you already know. It really does risk your whole future and, apart from anything else, being with someone who can't or won't communicate properly is a killer.

How you push this forward is harder to know. He sounds like the "burying your head in the sand" type of person.

Why don't you sit down with him and the laptop and go onto experien/ equifax and run a credit check on him? It will cost you less than £10 and give you a full list of debt in his name.

I don't know about debts related to the business but if he won't let you do this then you know he is hiding something major and your marriage may be on the line.

I don't think you are being unreasonable and he must actually be quite skilled at deflection if he has managed to put this off for two years! It is very worrying. Good luck.

Casamama Don't think it's skill as such, more, I ask/beg/scream/cajole, he agrees then doesn't do anything. Over and over again until the end of time
If I do a full credit check will it show each debt and amount? Maybe I can do a check on the business?
I do know there is debt - we pay a couple of direct debits for tiny amounts but I don't know where to or what the actual sum owed is. We also got a letter about a different outstanding debt that he promised to follow up but didn't. This is the info I am waiting on but this thread has got me thinking there maybe more...

Why don't you contact london and country mortgages. They will take the info from you and then your dh will only need to have minimal input. So giving consent for them to take the info from you then he will obviously have to sign a few firms near the end.

There are amazing deals available at the moment and I bet you guys will hardly notice the difference by switching over to repayment.

I do think that there are other issues here and this is just one of them as tbh I don't think it would motivate many to contemplate leaving.

Good luck

Quitelikely Is the way I feel really that unusual? Serious question, that's kind of why I started the thread - feeling like I was so angry all the time I'd lost perspective!

At the moment, my Husband is (passively) obstructing any possibility of financial and future stability for our family. If we were 21 then maybe I could afford to wait for him to step up but we're not and I can't. I resent him for what he has failed to do and I admit that resentment has grown and infiltrated our lives.
I have told him how I feel every step of the way and each time he has done nothing. I don't see how much more motivation anyone would need to walk. Yes, maybe there are wider issues but I would suggest that they are not with me.
Thanks for the info on L & C mortgages, gonna try one more 'talk' tomorrow night and then go stealth mode...

Sorry to disappear. Yes a personal credit check will show all credit arrangements with amounts and payment history for up to six years. This includes mortgages and mobile phone contracts etc.

You must do this with him otherwise you would be breaking the law (I'm fairly sure) so don't do it behind his back but if you are sitting in front of the computer and he refuses to do it then he is never intending to give you this info.

In answer to your question to quitelikely- no it is not unusual. I think the only possible criticism of you is perhaps you have been too patient.
You need to be clear in your own head whether this is his last chance and what you are going to do if he stonewalls you again.

I would be pretty sure that there are debts you don't know about.

You need to be prepared for that.

Blue sorry I must have missed the bit where you said he/you had a lot of debt from his (previous?) business. I didn't read that at all.
I think as others have said you need to do a full credit check on him and also on yourself to see if he has maybe put things you don't know about into your name. Obviously do it all legally.