Are my expectations unreasonable?

[BlueCardy]

Married 6 years, have 1 DC. DH had some employment instability but has been in a secure job for almost 2 years.
We live in his house, 8 years left on mortgage, mortgage changed to interest only when he had job worries. I organise finances.
Almost 2 years ago I asked him, once he had settled into his job, to
-organise changing back to repayments.
-sort out/give me details of pre-existing debt so I could organise repayments/sort out where we stand financially.
Over 1 year ago we discussed trying for a second child and identified that we'd start this around April 2014 (IVF). I asked him again to sort out these issues not least because our current house is too small for a family of 4.
We are good to go for the IVF next month yet my DH has still done nothing I have asked.
We discuss the issue every few months - I have cried/shouted/begged/explained calmly what needs to be done and why yet wrt finances, he has done nothing. As far as I am concerned these things NEED to be done to organise and secure our future for the DC we already have.

There are other things I have been waiting for years for him to do but I think this is the most important.
I am at the end of my tether (hence this thread). I have explained to him many times that the situation is desperate, that I cannot go on like this, that I don't feel able to rely on him and that I have become detached from our relationship. Still nothing but he won't give me a reason either!
I am getting to the point where I feel separation is inevitable. Resentment has grown and grown and our relationship is a mess. I am 37 and I am wasting my life waiting waiting waiting for him to do what needs to be done. I feel so angry all the time.

Anyone awake? Anyone got any advice? Are my expectations unreasonable?

Thanks

Blue just to say that this state of affairs would be driving me batshit insane. Don't blame yourself. One of the worst parts of these kind of relationship disparities is how you end up feeling that perhaps the problem lies with you and that you are too controlling. It really doesn't. He has his head in the sand and his behaviour on this is really outrageous. If he can't cope with his finances he needs to man-up and admit it and hand them over to you. Furious on your behalf!

Sorry to hear this he sounds a bit stubborn to me and its getting in the way of being honest with you.

So we had another chat last night...
I told him it was the last time I would discuss this issue. I told him the next time I felt the need to discuss it, the discussion would be about our separation. He said it sounded like I'd made a decision and I agreed I have.
I kept it factual, summarised the case, didn't get upset or ranty and told him I didn't even care about the reasons why anymore. Told him our family security was absolutely non-negotiable and it just isn't up for discussion anymore. And then I left it.

So we'll see... I feel pretty good today

Oh and told him that starting our treatment this month was now out of the question. He was surprised and actually asked me give him til the end of the week until I made that decision. Whaaaat??

Hmm Blue I've been in your situation. In my case it was a visa (mine, to move to DH's home country), not a mortgage. Among other things most things. The screaming, the ranting, the cajoling. What I have worked out from a few years of this and now 6 months of separation.

1. all the ultimatums I gave him didn't work. In fact I think my ranting and despairing made him feel that our relationship was such a mess it was already over and it contributed to his inaction (this is NOT to excuse it)
2. of course that ^^ doesn't explain why he dragged his heels on every damn thing in the first place. My cod psychology is that he (only child) and MIL (lone parent) have this dynamic - she screams and shouts, and he ignores her. He replicated this with me by ignoring me. I screamed and shouted. Enormous oversimplification but you get the picture.

The upshot is, you need to work out the underlying cause - but realise at this stage that 1) is probably at work too ("He said it sounded like I'd made a decision "). His behaviour is textbook passive aggressive. So what is he saying here that he cannot say out loud?

But to answer your question, YANBU. He should have his shit together enough to bloody talk to you about it.

In solidarity

Oh rootypig, thank you!

I have my own suspicions about his family dynamics - they don't talk! FIL gets upset, he ignores the person (he didn't talk to sil for a year when he didn't like her choice of college course). MIL can be very weird (manipulative) and everyone ignores it.

I should've known really - first time I went for dinner, MIL asked if we wanted dessert then her and FIL went out. Left sil, dn's, dh and me sitting at the table! And no-one said anything!

But I'm not sure I care about the underlying cause anymore.

I understand BlueCardy. But I wonder if he himself understands what he's up to and the underlying cause. Maybe he just can't see his own behaviour. ("He was surprised") This is part of the overreacting and underreacting it sounds as though he learned at home, iyswim.

Tbh my advice runs out there though, because my situation was resolved by DH not applying for fucking visa, me and DD not being allowed to return to his home country after a visit to the UK, and a 6 month separation, that we are still in. I am beside angry about the trauma he has put us through and kicking myself for not protecting me and DD more. Equally, this has been a very nasty shock to DH's system - in the wake of our departure, when he found himself alone and on his arse, he took himself off to counselling - and he will be back in the UK this summer (he works academic years) so that we can see where we are. I didn't manage to get through to him before it all became disastrous and so I don't know what to tell you

Other than you are quite right to delay the IVF and if you are sure you can follow through on the consequence (you leaving - I always threatened and never did, which is the worst bloody thing you can do) then I think that is right too. I know you know this, but since you ask if YABU - believe me when I say that he is fucking with your financial and physical well being and you and your child may well suffer the consequences. Stick to your guns. And even if he does ring the sodding mortgage company and isn't hiding a bushel of debt, off to couples counselling for you. (where I'm headed).