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Relationships

Ex's new partner wants to be friends

61 replies

OleaAndMarge · 05/05/2014 18:56

I've maintained a good friendship with an ex partner of mine, and recently mutual friends have been commenting on how nice it would be if his new partner and me could sit down together and be friends.

I didn't even realise this was an issue, I've never been introduced to her even though she turns up to group events but suddenly I'm being expected to sit at the same table and hang out with her.

What should I do? Suck it up? Or tell everyone to back off? I'm of the assumption that if we're going to get on, that it'll happen normally.. you know.. how friends are normally made! I don't mean to be difficult or come across as the bitter ex, but I'm really not interested and it's putting me off going to mutual friend's parties/etc.

OP posts:

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Twinklestein · 11/05/2014 13:17

I think it's utterly bizarre and incredibly childish.

If I chose to stay friends with an ex that's up to me, I don't expect subsequent gfs to think they have a right to be friends with me.

If I find someone interesting then I'll be friends with them, if not I won't, and I certainly would not take kindly to random women emailing me demanding my friendship. I have a busy life and don't have time for such nonsense. Personally, I wouldn't have replied.

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Mandatorymongoose · 11/05/2014 14:15

Hmm it's difficult because I'm kind of on the other side of this.

I have an ex (from about 8 or 9 years ago now) who remains part of some of the same social circles and we very occasionally end up at the same events. His GF, now his DW has never spoken to me. She blanks me completely. It makes things very awkward. At big gatherings it's not too bad but even then there end up being 'zones' where I am obviously not welcome at small gatherings it's just horrible. Other people are aware so there have been times that either I or they don't get invited.

It pisses me off and makes me want to avoid places they are to stop the awkwardness. I did once send ex (who is always polite though we're not really friends) a fb message asking if there were any issues that we could sort out because it was unfair to others so he blocked me.

So, maybe she feels like me? That you ignore her deliberately even though she's done nothing to you and that you make these mixed gatherings awkward and uncomfortable. I have no interest hanging out with either my ex or his DW but it would make life easier if she could manage polite chit chat.

Fwiw I am also married and been with DH 6 years so I don't think she's worried I've got designs ex.

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SolidGoldBrass · 12/05/2014 00:00

If you have never actually spoken to the woman, having been out with the same group of people more than once, it is going to look as though you're making a point. I doubt everyone's gagging for the two of you to go on holiday together or anything, but if you are ostentatiously ignoring her to the point that you have never even said hello then it is going to make for an unpleasant atmosphere.

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Clint88 · 12/05/2014 09:54

And 'friends' doesn't necessarily mean FRIENDS, was her email 'OMG let's be BFFs like forever! Let's meet for lunch! And a spa day!'

Or is it more 'let's have a chat next time I see you, then we can be pleasant/civil and I'll be reassured you're not a horrid cow and who knows, we might actually get on well'?

I do think you need to look at your own behaviour in this one. Are you enjoying your 'status' as his ex and feeling like you're needling her?

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Clint88 · 12/05/2014 09:55

And yes she should trust him blah blah but in real life people are human and have insecurities and fears, and even if she does trust him a bajillion percent it's not nice to be blanked, so maybe crack her a smile and a hiya?

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gamerchick · 12/05/2014 10:06

Christ there's no way I would have given her the time of day after an email like that.

My husbands ex tried to be friends with me.. I wasn't keen and she got bloody Nasty in the end, name calling and everything when I intervened with her IV to my husbands bank account. Dodged that bullet.

My ex girlfriend wanted us to meet up in a foursome and whatnot.. not a chance again because I knew what he was going to turn her into - and he did.

She's pushy OP.. she's got a reason she wants to meet you properly. Maybe she's one of those who compares themselves obsessively to her dudes exs.

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croquet · 12/05/2014 10:15

I didn't understand the bit about the ex's girlfriend gamerchick - what did you mean

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AlarmOnSnooze · 12/05/2014 10:35

In over 8 months of socialising in the same group you have never even said 'hello' despite having multiple mutual friends including your ex?

You sound positively hostile, tbh. I expect the suggestion from your friends is them trying to find a wy to move forward and stop you making a bigger show of yourself than you already have done. When you ignored this, your Ed's girlfriend has tried to be the bigger person and sent you a friendly email to show you she has no problem with you.

It sounds as though you need to deal with our feelings for your ex, and realise that social situations are not all about you.

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gamerchick · 12/05/2014 10:50

She was very accustomed to asking him for money after they split up. Ringing crying because of no Christmas presents for her son.. wanting him to pay for portrait photos and on and on. She got catalogues out in his name and defaulted putting black marks in his credit score we didn't find out about till we checked his credit rating and she got really angry when confronted.. blaming me because the gravy train had ended.

They all come with a sob story and him the soft bugger would fall for it until I had a stern word about pisstakers.

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gamerchick · 12/05/2014 10:52

There was even another ex he was still paying bills for via direct debit.. my name is mud amongst those 2

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Hissy · 12/05/2014 19:50

Thing is, if you went up to her at the first meeting Olea it could have been perceived as threatening or you imposing yourself.

If your ex is so bothered by his gf's ability to blend in with his friends, HE has to introduce HER, not pressure you into making the first move.

Sounds like he's totally bottled out here and is looking to be the man in the middle absolved of all social duties, hoping is past and his present make his life easier for him.

Without knowing precisely what was in his email to you, or her email to you it's hard to really know.

Suffice to say that anything more forward than, we hope you don't feel in any way uncomfortable being with us is OTT and bizarre.

I think in some way shape or form, she's acknowledged that she's been on the scene for over 6m and there's this seemingly lovely, popular woman who her boyf used to date, and she's the new one on the blockm she wants to know you're not unfinished business and her boyf seemingly has done sweet FA to allay her fears.

She's asked, he's dodged it, she's made it an issue, seeing it as a badge of honour. Not a real item until the ex is definitely and irrefutably apprised of the fact that 'he's moved on'

He's capitulated, and has said he'd contact you. Bet that there was more than one request, and in the end he did.

Now that he has, and you still haven't done what they wanted you to do, dutifully trot up and reassure her that you're so totally over 'her man' and we can all be best buddies etc etc, she's gone one step further, unable to contain herself and her probable insecurity.

Whether it's a scheme to get you to disengage (you said yourself it was putting you off going out with the group) or less complex than that, sommat's not right.

I'm wondering if she's making an attempt at being a Relationship Wendy.