Ex's new partner wants to be friends

[OleaAndMarge]

I've maintained a good friendship with an ex partner of mine, and recently mutual friends have been commenting on how nice it would be if his new partner and me could sit down together and be friends.

I didn't even realise this was an issue, I've never been introduced to her even though she turns up to group events but suddenly I'm being expected to sit at the same table and hang out with her.

What should I do? Suck it up? Or tell everyone to back off? I'm of the assumption that if we're going to get on, that it'll happen normally.. you know.. how friends are normally made! I don't mean to be difficult or come across as the bitter ex, but I'm really not interested and it's putting me off going to mutual friend's parties/etc.

[ohldoneedtogetagrip]

~Jesus she sounds a bit of a loon.
Hope you respectively declined her invitation and told her where to go.
very very strange

[wyrdyBird]

What's this, friendship by force? Bizarre. I feel a bit sorry for your ex, being with this individual.
Cheek is the word.

[NotAgainTrevor]

Hmmm, whilst the email is over the top the whole set up does sound odd to me. What sort of dinners and get togethers do you have where you are not introduced to everyone? Isn't that just basic good manners? I especially can't understand why you haven't been introduced when you and your ex are good friends? If you were just acquaintances now I could sort of see it at a gig but at a dinner I would find it very rude.

FWIW I have been in your position before, meeting an exs new girlfriend at a Hen Do. It was mainly my friends there and I could have just got on with my own thing but thought I should suck it up and say hello as I could imagine she would feel far more uncomfortable as the incomer. A few minutes of awkwardness on both our parts and then it was done. We did become friends over time but even if we didn't click any awkwardness was gone as we faced up and got the hard part out of the way.

I will go completely against most posters on this thread and say I feel sorry for his new GF, it sounds excruciating for her. If I were her though I would not be confronting you I would be dumping him.

[sykadelic]

That's weird... she sounds a little off her tree.

You said you dealt with it in a "mature" way... what did you do/say?

[Hissy]

If I was a bloke and my GF sent an email like that to my (amicable) ex, I'd be wondering about the future welfare of bunnies.

That IS weird.

Your instincts were telling you this didn't sit well, now they are screaming at you and pointing at the email and saying 'NOW willl you listen?'

[PoundingTheStreets]

Unless there's a crossover with being an OW etc, and not allowing for sexual jealousy, I think most successive partners of the same person would probably get on really well TBH. People tend to go for the same type of traits in a partner, meaning that they probably have quite a lot in common and share similar temperaments.

But history counts for a lot and personal choice even more so. No one is under any obligation to have a relationship (sexual or platonic) with anyone, so you are well within your rights - particularly since there are no children involved - to reject this friendship. And I think I would too given the stroppy email.

[OleaAndMarge]

sykadelic - I did my very best to respond in a "I hear what you're saying" way, rather than a "fuck off you lunatic, leave me alone!". I offered another event where we would both be at and suggested that if she wanted to come over, she could.

It turns out she's been in the social group a lot longer than I thought, but she hasn't even registered on my radar - genuinely!

I personally lay this at the door of my ex, he didn't ever introduce me as his girlfriend when we were together and I guess a leopard never changes its spots!

[SolidGoldBrass]

How big is this social group? And is it the only group of friends that both you and your XP socialise with? It's possible that you have been coming across as hostile to this girl, especially if she is the only newcomer to the group. It's always a bit difficult for any new partner to fit in to a long-established group of friends, and she might have just picked up the idea that she is unwelcome because of you (when it's just that everyone else knows everyone else) and be trying to put that right. If you really don't want to manage even a couple of passing remarks to her in the course of a night out with the gang, you might want to ask yourself why it's such a big deal.

[ForalltheSaints]

Be polite to each other, but if you have little in common apart from both having a relationship with the same man (albeit at different times), you don't need to be friends.

[BuzzardBird]

Swingers, natch Distance might be good.

[Neverknowingly]

I can't imagine how you have not been coming across as deliberately avoiding her unless your social group consists of an entire (not particularly small) village.

Your friends seem to think you are making this an issue, you seem pleased to have had the chance to make it an issue and "react" to her email and I think you could well risk ending up the loser here in terms of friendship groups unless you show a little grace.

[BillyBanter]

I had an ex's new gf wanting to be my mate. It was born of her insecurities and fake as a fake thing. We had a lot of mutual friends as we all met through the same thing. It was awful and I ended up cutting contact with both of them and a couple of mutual friends who were trying to get 'info' from me on her behalf. Opinion was split in the social group as to whether she was lovely or false. There was a sequel to this which confirmed my distrust had been well-founded.

[BillyBanter]

I'm not saying this is what is happening here. Just what happened with me. As you say in your OP, if it happens it will happen over time, in a normal way. Being pushed into friendship for any reason makes me feel quite contrary, anyway.

[BillyBanter]

oh I missed your update about her email.

I am now saying she is like my ex's ex! Very similar situation.

All you can really do is be polite, smile, superficial chit chat, spot someone on the other side of the room and move on.

[Viviennemary]

It's entirely up to the individual. If you don't want to be friends then fair enough. I didn't remain friends with any of my ex's and couldn't imagine being their friend. But that's me. You don't have to give a reason as to why you don't want to be friends. You just don't end of story. She sounds a bit pushy to me and maybe insecure because you're still friends with your ex.

[croquet]

Sounds weird - you no way have to be friends with her if you don't want.

Sounds like an incestuous bunch of uni mates. Don't worry - it won't last forever. They won't always want to hang out in a group (and other relationships will split up and then it will all become more fragmented).

[Hazynomore]

I don't know if this is similar but when me and my ex split up I realised that if I was not careful I could lose a lot of our mutual friends. We all met at uni and now live in completely different parts of the country, so any meet ups mean an overnight stay at someones house.

It hit home when I found out later that some of the guys had met up with my ex and his gf while they lived just 15 mins from me and they didn't pop in. A lot of this is because blokes tend to be a bit rubbish keeping friendship groups together but still.

I made the effort for the sake of the friendship group, not really for her. I'm also still close to my ex and knew they now come as part of a package. It just makes things easier.

In a couple of weeks we're all meeting up at their house and I simply wouldn't have been included if it would have caused an atmosphere.

[OleaAndMarge]

Thanks guys, everyone's message has been really helpful. I can't say how much this issue has wound me up (dug up stuff with my ex that I thought was resolved etc), but your comments have soothed me :) Yes, even yours NeverKnowingly.

Hopefully my next post won't be "have no friends, what do I do?" :D

[Neverknowingly]

Ah - I did not mean it badly, But people do see things very differently and most just want easy lives in friendship groups. It becomes too easy to cast one party as the "difficult one" and stick with the easy ones. I'm just saying that you may need to make a little more effort than you consider reasonable for that not to happen. It depends on how much you want to keep this friendship group. And of course it is only my perception of your friends suggestions to you.

As others say of course you do not have to be friends with her. There is no reason to expect that you have anything in common with her (other than ex and your friendship group) but perception counts for a lot and you may need to manage that too.

[Isetan]

She got mutual friends to sound you out over a friendship and because you didn't fall at her feet she sent you a stroppy email, seriously, how much would you have in common with a 12 year old. This isn't your problem, she probably has insecurities that her boyfriend has fueled by not introducing you.

You are entitled to be friends with people of your own choosing, anybody that feels someone is obligated to be their friend needs to grow up. I would.not give this woman the time of day unless she offered a sincere apology for acting like an entitled brat and even then, we probably wouldn't be friends.

[Smokinmirrors]

Sounds like you still hold a candle for the ex.

And she knows it.

And so does he.

Ignore them both and get over him.

[LittleRedDinosaur]

Totally agree you don't have to be friends with anyone you don't want to but I don't understand why you haven't spoken to her before now if you've been socialising in the same group for a while.
Would you have behaved like this with any of your other friends' partners? If does sound a bit rude to be honest.
It also sounds like there is unfinished business with your ex and she is probably picking up an this and is a bit pissed off. If your ex really is just a friend now then you have to treat him like any other friend and welcome his partner like you would anyone else's I think

[Clint88]

I too think you sound a bit hostile and wonder if you wish your ex wasn't an ex...

How can you be 'friends' with him and socialise together yet you've never even had a quick chat with her? It does sound as if you've been snubbing her. The way you present it her email does sound a bit childish but we don't know the content and maybe she was trying to prevent a 'situation' by appealing to you direct and not getting her boyfriend to be an intermediary.

Agree with the poster who says this won't end well for you if you can't show good grace. Even if you hate her guts you need to be civil and at least say 'hi, how are you?'

Put yourself in her shoes;

"I've been with my boyfriend for about 8 months. He is still friendly with his most recent ex and they have mutual friends, so she is often at the same gigs/parties etc. I'm not bothered that he still speaks to her but it does piss me off a bit that she's never made any effort to be friendly towards me - IABU to wonder if she's hoping to lure him back or, at best, is a bit rude?"

[atos35]

It's a bit strange that she's so desperate to be friends. I get along really well with my ex's new wife but I think it's because she's just the kind of person who I would normally choose to be friends with and it just happened naturally. I always make it very clear though that we won't discuss ex as she did start having a bit of a moan about him once and I didn't feel very comfortable about chatting about all his faults! My new partners ex though is a different kettle of fish, she's perfectly civil but I just know she wouldn't be the kind of person I would normally be friends with (we are totally different personalities) so I don't make much effort to do anything other than be polite and civil with her. I wouldn't go out of your way to be friends, if you happen to meet up and get on well that's great but why would you? Particularly if no dc' s involved.

[BerylStreep]

I can sort of see Clint's point.

I however think the e-mail is a bit pushy. I stayed in the same social circle as an ex, saw each other 2-3 times a year at a mutual friend's party, and I saw a fair few new gfs come and go. I would have been a bit pissed off if any one of them insisted on being special friends with them, including the one who is now his wife.

I suppose I never really thought of him as my ex, so it would seem weird to be defined as that, and therefore being targeted for friendships because of that would be weird IYSWIM. I was always pleasant and friendly in the way that you would be to anyone you met at a party.

Op do you think you may come across as being standoffish?