Ex's new partner wants to be friends

[OleaAndMarge]

I've maintained a good friendship with an ex partner of mine, and recently mutual friends have been commenting on how nice it would be if his new partner and me could sit down together and be friends.

I didn't even realise this was an issue, I've never been introduced to her even though she turns up to group events but suddenly I'm being expected to sit at the same table and hang out with her.

What should I do? Suck it up? Or tell everyone to back off? I'm of the assumption that if we're going to get on, that it'll happen normally.. you know.. how friends are normally made! I don't mean to be difficult or come across as the bitter ex, but I'm really not interested and it's putting me off going to mutual friend's parties/etc.

[Hissy]

Thing is, if you went up to her at the first meeting Olea it could have been perceived as threatening or you imposing yourself.

If your ex is so bothered by his gf's ability to blend in with his friends, HE has to introduce HER, not pressure you into making the first move.

Sounds like he's totally bottled out here and is looking to be the man in the middle absolved of all social duties, hoping is past and his present make his life easier for him.

Without knowing precisely what was in his email to you, or her email to you it's hard to really know.

Suffice to say that anything more forward than, we hope you don't feel in any way uncomfortable being with us is OTT and bizarre.

I think in some way shape or form, she's acknowledged that she's been on the scene for over 6m and there's this seemingly lovely, popular woman who her boyf used to date, and she's the new one on the blockm she wants to know you're not unfinished business and her boyf seemingly has done sweet FA to allay her fears.

She's asked, he's dodged it, she's made it an issue, seeing it as a badge of honour. Not a real item until the ex is definitely and irrefutably apprised of the fact that 'he's moved on'

He's capitulated, and has said he'd contact you. Bet that there was more than one request, and in the end he did.

Now that he has, and you still haven't done what they wanted you to do, dutifully trot up and reassure her that you're so totally over 'her man' and we can all be best buddies etc etc, she's gone one step further, unable to contain herself and her probable insecurity.

Whether it's a scheme to get you to disengage (you said yourself it was putting you off going out with the group) or less complex than that, sommat's not right.

I'm wondering if she's making an attempt at being a Relationship Wendy.

[gamerchick]

There was even another ex he was still paying bills for via direct debit.. my name is mud amongst those 2

[gamerchick]

She was very accustomed to asking him for money after they split up. Ringing crying because of no Christmas presents for her son.. wanting him to pay for portrait photos and on and on. She got catalogues out in his name and defaulted putting black marks in his credit score we didn't find out about till we checked his credit rating and she got really angry when confronted.. blaming me because the gravy train had ended.

They all come with a sob story and him the soft bugger would fall for it until I had a stern word about pisstakers.

[AlarmOnSnooze]

In over 8 months of socialising in the same group you have never even said 'hello' despite having multiple mutual friends including your ex?

You sound positively hostile, tbh. I expect the suggestion from your friends is them trying to find a wy to move forward and stop you making a bigger show of yourself than you already have done. When you ignored this, your Ed's girlfriend has tried to be the bigger person and sent you a friendly email to show you she has no problem with you.

It sounds as though you need to deal with our feelings for your ex, and realise that social situations are not all about you.

[croquet]

I didn't understand the bit about the ex's girlfriend gamerchick - what did you mean

[gamerchick]

Christ there's no way I would have given her the time of day after an email like that.

My husbands ex tried to be friends with me.. I wasn't keen and she got bloody Nasty in the end, name calling and everything when I intervened with her IV to my husbands bank account. Dodged that bullet.

My ex girlfriend wanted us to meet up in a foursome and whatnot.. not a chance again because I knew what he was going to turn her into - and he did.

She's pushy OP.. she's got a reason she wants to meet you properly. Maybe she's one of those who compares themselves obsessively to her dudes exs.

[Clint88]

And yes she should trust him blah blah but in real life people are human and have insecurities and fears, and even if she does trust him a bajillion percent it's not nice to be blanked, so maybe crack her a smile and a hiya?

[Clint88]

And 'friends' doesn't necessarily mean FRIENDS, was her email 'OMG let's be BFFs like forever! Let's meet for lunch! And a spa day!'

Or is it more 'let's have a chat next time I see you, then we can be pleasant/civil and I'll be reassured you're not a horrid cow and who knows, we might actually get on well'?

I do think you need to look at your own behaviour in this one. Are you enjoying your 'status' as his ex and feeling like you're needling her?

[SolidGoldBrass]

If you have never actually spoken to the woman, having been out with the same group of people more than once, it is going to look as though you're making a point. I doubt everyone's gagging for the two of you to go on holiday together or anything, but if you are ostentatiously ignoring her to the point that you have never even said hello then it is going to make for an unpleasant atmosphere.

[Mandatorymongoose]

Hmm it's difficult because I'm kind of on the other side of this.

I have an ex (from about 8 or 9 years ago now) who remains part of some of the same social circles and we very occasionally end up at the same events. His GF, now his DW has never spoken to me. She blanks me completely. It makes things very awkward. At big gatherings it's not too bad but even then there end up being 'zones' where I am obviously not welcome at small gatherings it's just horrible. Other people are aware so there have been times that either I or they don't get invited.

It pisses me off and makes me want to avoid places they are to stop the awkwardness. I did once send ex (who is always polite though we're not really friends) a fb message asking if there were any issues that we could sort out because it was unfair to others so he blocked me.

So, maybe she feels like me? That you ignore her deliberately even though she's done nothing to you and that you make these mixed gatherings awkward and uncomfortable. I have no interest hanging out with either my ex or his DW but it would make life easier if she could manage polite chit chat.

Fwiw I am also married and been with DH 6 years so I don't think she's worried I've got designs ex.

[Twinklestein]

I think it's utterly bizarre and incredibly childish.

If I chose to stay friends with an ex that's up to me, I don't expect subsequent gfs to think they have a right to be friends with me.

If I find someone interesting then I'll be friends with them, if not I won't, and I certainly would not take kindly to random women emailing me demanding my friendship. I have a busy life and don't have time for such nonsense. Personally, I wouldn't have replied.

[BerylStreep]

I can sort of see Clint's point.

I however think the e-mail is a bit pushy. I stayed in the same social circle as an ex, saw each other 2-3 times a year at a mutual friend's party, and I saw a fair few new gfs come and go. I would have been a bit pissed off if any one of them insisted on being special friends with them, including the one who is now his wife.

I suppose I never really thought of him as my ex, so it would seem weird to be defined as that, and therefore being targeted for friendships because of that would be weird IYSWIM. I was always pleasant and friendly in the way that you would be to anyone you met at a party.

Op do you think you may come across as being standoffish?

[atos35]

It's a bit strange that she's so desperate to be friends. I get along really well with my ex's new wife but I think it's because she's just the kind of person who I would normally choose to be friends with and it just happened naturally. I always make it very clear though that we won't discuss ex as she did start having a bit of a moan about him once and I didn't feel very comfortable about chatting about all his faults! My new partners ex though is a different kettle of fish, she's perfectly civil but I just know she wouldn't be the kind of person I would normally be friends with (we are totally different personalities) so I don't make much effort to do anything other than be polite and civil with her. I wouldn't go out of your way to be friends, if you happen to meet up and get on well that's great but why would you? Particularly if no dc' s involved.

[Clint88]

I too think you sound a bit hostile and wonder if you wish your ex wasn't an ex...

How can you be 'friends' with him and socialise together yet you've never even had a quick chat with her? It does sound as if you've been snubbing her. The way you present it her email does sound a bit childish but we don't know the content and maybe she was trying to prevent a 'situation' by appealing to you direct and not getting her boyfriend to be an intermediary.

Agree with the poster who says this won't end well for you if you can't show good grace. Even if you hate her guts you need to be civil and at least say 'hi, how are you?'

Put yourself in her shoes;

"I've been with my boyfriend for about 8 months. He is still friendly with his most recent ex and they have mutual friends, so she is often at the same gigs/parties etc. I'm not bothered that he still speaks to her but it does piss me off a bit that she's never made any effort to be friendly towards me - IABU to wonder if she's hoping to lure him back or, at best, is a bit rude?"

[LittleRedDinosaur]

Totally agree you don't have to be friends with anyone you don't want to but I don't understand why you haven't spoken to her before now if you've been socialising in the same group for a while.
Would you have behaved like this with any of your other friends' partners? If does sound a bit rude to be honest.
It also sounds like there is unfinished business with your ex and she is probably picking up an this and is a bit pissed off. If your ex really is just a friend now then you have to treat him like any other friend and welcome his partner like you would anyone else's I think

[Smokinmirrors]

Sounds like you still hold a candle for the ex.

And she knows it.

And so does he.

Ignore them both and get over him.

[Isetan]

She got mutual friends to sound you out over a friendship and because you didn't fall at her feet she sent you a stroppy email, seriously, how much would you have in common with a 12 year old. This isn't your problem, she probably has insecurities that her boyfriend has fueled by not introducing you.

You are entitled to be friends with people of your own choosing, anybody that feels someone is obligated to be their friend needs to grow up. I would.not give this woman the time of day unless she offered a sincere apology for acting like an entitled brat and even then, we probably wouldn't be friends.

[Neverknowingly]

Ah - I did not mean it badly, But people do see things very differently and most just want easy lives in friendship groups. It becomes too easy to cast one party as the "difficult one" and stick with the easy ones. I'm just saying that you may need to make a little more effort than you consider reasonable for that not to happen. It depends on how much you want to keep this friendship group. And of course it is only my perception of your friends suggestions to you.

As others say of course you do not have to be friends with her. There is no reason to expect that you have anything in common with her (other than ex and your friendship group) but perception counts for a lot and you may need to manage that too.

[OleaAndMarge]

Thanks guys, everyone's message has been really helpful. I can't say how much this issue has wound me up (dug up stuff with my ex that I thought was resolved etc), but your comments have soothed me :) Yes, even yours NeverKnowingly.

Hopefully my next post won't be "have no friends, what do I do?" :D

[Hazynomore]

I don't know if this is similar but when me and my ex split up I realised that if I was not careful I could lose a lot of our mutual friends. We all met at uni and now live in completely different parts of the country, so any meet ups mean an overnight stay at someones house.

It hit home when I found out later that some of the guys had met up with my ex and his gf while they lived just 15 mins from me and they didn't pop in. A lot of this is because blokes tend to be a bit rubbish keeping friendship groups together but still.

I made the effort for the sake of the friendship group, not really for her. I'm also still close to my ex and knew they now come as part of a package. It just makes things easier.

In a couple of weeks we're all meeting up at their house and I simply wouldn't have been included if it would have caused an atmosphere.

[croquet]

Sounds weird - you no way have to be friends with her if you don't want.

Sounds like an incestuous bunch of uni mates. Don't worry - it won't last forever. They won't always want to hang out in a group (and other relationships will split up and then it will all become more fragmented).

[Viviennemary]

It's entirely up to the individual. If you don't want to be friends then fair enough. I didn't remain friends with any of my ex's and couldn't imagine being their friend. But that's me. You don't have to give a reason as to why you don't want to be friends. You just don't end of story. She sounds a bit pushy to me and maybe insecure because you're still friends with your ex.

[BillyBanter]

oh I missed your update about her email.

I am now saying she is like my ex's ex! Very similar situation.

All you can really do is be polite, smile, superficial chit chat, spot someone on the other side of the room and move on.

[BillyBanter]

I'm not saying this is what is happening here. Just what happened with me. As you say in your OP, if it happens it will happen over time, in a normal way. Being pushed into friendship for any reason makes me feel quite contrary, anyway.

[BillyBanter]

I had an ex's new gf wanting to be my mate. It was born of her insecurities and fake as a fake thing. We had a lot of mutual friends as we all met through the same thing. It was awful and I ended up cutting contact with both of them and a couple of mutual friends who were trying to get 'info' from me on her behalf. Opinion was split in the social group as to whether she was lovely or false. There was a sequel to this which confirmed my distrust had been well-founded.