wifework and DH

[Anomaly]

Dh and I have three kids. The amount of work this creates is understandably large. Washing seems endless, cooking, tidying etc. We also have pets - all joint decisions.

I want DH to do more and be more proactive. I get fed the old chestnut that he doesn't see what needs doing. I need to tell him what to do. This makes me want to scream - because its something else I have to do.

He's suggested he takes responsibility for whole tasks e.g. laundry with the caveat that it might take him a while to get on top of it. He's suggested taking over food shopping and cooking. He's done this before and we ended up spending about a million pounds a month on food. He would also never think to go through the fridge and manage the food which I would consider part of that role.

We agreed to have a daily to do list only it turns out its my to do list! Everything appears to be my responsibility and I am breaking. I work less than DH so do expect to do more but the daily work of three kids is just that daily.

We have a further argument when I'm stressing about getting something done in that he'll tell me to do it another day or later. Its not important is what he'll say. Now on the face of it no it probably isn't important but if I put everything off until we have loads of time it never gets done. He refuses to acknowledge this.

I probably come across as very controlling and know I need to let some stuff slide but I am so sick of feeling like a domestic skivvy and being the brains of the operation. Any advice?

I'm not sure why it would be your to-do list. It might be the things that you do at the moment but couldn't you look at it together and decide who will do what on that day or even whether some things could wait until another day?

I don't personally see what's wrong with taking a leadership role and being the brains of the operation. You're a family of five and everyone has to chip in - including the children. Your DH sounds disorganised rather than uncooperative.

This resonates with me. My DH is wonderful. He meal plans, he shops (frugally!), he's great with the DC. But yes, I get fed up of being the brains of the operation.

Will be interested to see what others say ...

White board. Someone prominent.

List the chores under daily/weekly/monthly.

You initial one daily one to do. Then he initials one. Keep going then onto weekly and then monthly.

No excuses and everyone can see what needs doing. Get the kids to take age appropriate ones on too. Tick them off as you do them.

I completely understand. DH will happily do things but I have to suggest them. He'll make DS's packed lunch if i ask him but it would never occur to him to just do it. He will get the 5-6 bags we need ready in the AM but only if asked and he'll have to be told which ones we need on which day. I work only 1 day less than him so not sure why its down to me know this stuff. I like the idea of the to-do list but maybe the OP could sit down with her DH and a blank sheet and make the list together. Take turns to add items so he HAS to participate. Set deadlines. My DH is tight as a badgers arse and hates spending money so I tell him that he has til X date to do a job and of its not done I'm paying someone to do it - that often works

I think you have to allow him to make mistakes though.
He's offered to do stuff but you make excuses for why he can't.
My dh is crap shopper so we meal plan and make lists that way he's learnt the sane way I have rather than just buying lots if tuna and some pasta
However, I am also massively fed up of being the lynchpin in our family.
For me its apparent when we go away and I do all the bloody organising and packing.

Well in short I found out the hard way that he will continue, if. He can get away with it.

In my case, Dh blamed his much later infidelity on arguments which resulted from my complaining about this unequal burden in the house.

I'm not saying at all this will happen to you- but it does show that a lazy selfish man in one area is often selfish in another. Because it is a mindset- that he is more important than you.

Why does your H do this? There is only one reason, and that is what it took me far too long and far too many rows and wasted breath to learn: because he can. Because you tolerate it, even if you complain.

Personally I'd chuck him out to fend for himself, at least till he saw sense.

Read this previous thread- the best I saw in this subject:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1598726-Useless-Husband-Or-is-it-me?reverse=1

Cogito, she isn't just the brains, but the brawn too.

1). Accept if he does some things he won't do them exactly as you do, don't make an issue of it.

2). If he falls behind on stuff don't step in and pick up the slack.

3). If he doesn't do what he's agreed don't even think about doing it instead. STOP! Just leave it.

If he supposed to do the laundry but starts to run out of clean clothes/pants then he'll soon get his act together.

I was always told to write a list of all the house hold chores. You pick one and then he does until they are all gone!

He does sound disorganised rather than uncooperative which is slightly positive.

Ask him what he does in his job. Does he just sit blankly at his desk until someone explains to him what he has to do every day or can he get on with his work on his own initiative? If he can do that then he can manage household tasks that presumably are easier than his work tasks.

If you're the brains you delegate the brawn.... It's the art of good management. Parcel out all the jobs or pay others to do them for you. Shopping can be done online to prevent impulse buys, waste etc. Cleaners can be hired....

lol good approach lizzzyyliveson :-)

Exactly lizzy. He doesn't want to do it.

Taking ages is one thing, his timescale is his affair. But if he agrees a weekly task and it always slips till the next week then in reality he isn't doing it.

The problem of me being the leader is that I'm then responsible. His responsibilities in the house are his fish and computing. I deal with money, kids activities, pets, washing, cleaning, gardening, homework, doctors appointments, dentist, shoe shopping, hair cuts, school, the list goes on and on.

When I moan everything is trivialised. So we've recently started taking the kids to a gymnastics class. I pointed out that I'd found it, arranged to go, bought suitable clothes and now make sure we pay monthly to keep the place. He thinks all this took 10mins.

Yes he's willing to an extent better no doubt than many but I still don't understand why he can't do something without having to be specifically asked. If there is a load of clean dry washing on an airer is it not obvious it needs putting away?

Anomaly, are you me!? Except for number of children (we have 1 toddler) & work situation (I work, DH is full-time student), I could have written your post, word for word. It's hard and frustrating and not helpful for your relationship.

Does your DH agree that the situation is unreasonable?

I see he also fancies the nicer end of the job. Most of us prefer shopping and loading the washing machine to to cleaning.

It will be if it is written on a white board!

Get a cleaner - it saved our marriage.

Some women like being in charge. They won't accept that there are different ways of doing something. We have a kind of mental list of things that need doing, and each of us takes charge of a different area. Even kids sports we have totally divided between two of us, including communications. Anything rugby – is me, anything Cricket is him.

Also H does most of the washing, as he is really good at it. That does not mean that I don't see that folded washing needs taking upstairs. I think your h is taking the piss.

My DH and I actually had a counselling session over this very issue. I've always been a leader and very well organised, so when we moved in together that was how it naturally went. But after I had our eldest DC I just couldn't cope with doing everything I done before and taking care of the baby, and we were rowing non stop. I felt so much pressure, taking care of everything - he would do stuff I asked him to, but it made me angry and resentful that his mind was free of all these pressures if that makes sense?

Anyway, the counsellor suggested that we have a family diary and that i write the stuff in I wanted him to do, so he couldn't forget (which was a major problem!). We also have a white board in the kitchen where we write down stuff that needs bought with the shopping, so he can't forget to tell me, and I don't have to remember while doing the online shop. He also has his weekly tasks.

It still doesn't solve the problem of me being the brains of the operation, but I'm just trying to accept that - he's very laid back and I know that's one of the reasons why our relationship works - I couldn't be with someone like me as we'd kill each other! I will still get pissed off about having to be the thinker and planner, but as long as he does the things I ask him to when I ask him to it isn't too much of an issue.

I do worry that it all looks very controlling but as so many other posters have found, there seems to be no other alternative that means everything gets done and the kids are taken care of properly.

My DH is the same. There is nothing wrong taking a leadership role. I'm a team lead at work and I can say my DH has more pride in his work then some of my team! At least when I ask him to do something he does it properly without me having to test and check it is done.

It sounds like he is willing isn't it? Set up tasks And deadlines to the tasks? Or tasks of the week? If you want it to be of a certain standard, make sure it is communicated. People like to have freedom to plan their time so it's better if it's a list of tasks with expected deadlines. Not must done now because he is sitting on his bum watching TV, iyswim.

You explained why you felt he couldn't do the food shopping, although some might argue he was still learning. Why can't he do the laundry?

How old are your kids? Involve them. If you are the one they are asking all the time - 'are there any clean socks/ where's my blue tshirt/am I doing gymnastics tomorrow....?' Then you become by default the 'go to' adult. Make him the go to adult. They need to have conversations with him. (And give the kids responsibilities too).