wifework and DH

[Anomaly]

Dh and I have three kids. The amount of work this creates is understandably large. Washing seems endless, cooking, tidying etc. We also have pets - all joint decisions.

I want DH to do more and be more proactive. I get fed the old chestnut that he doesn't see what needs doing. I need to tell him what to do. This makes me want to scream - because its something else I have to do.

He's suggested he takes responsibility for whole tasks e.g. laundry with the caveat that it might take him a while to get on top of it. He's suggested taking over food shopping and cooking. He's done this before and we ended up spending about a million pounds a month on food. He would also never think to go through the fridge and manage the food which I would consider part of that role.

We agreed to have a daily to do list only it turns out its my to do list! Everything appears to be my responsibility and I am breaking. I work less than DH so do expect to do more but the daily work of three kids is just that daily.

We have a further argument when I'm stressing about getting something done in that he'll tell me to do it another day or later. Its not important is what he'll say. Now on the face of it no it probably isn't important but if I put everything off until we have loads of time it never gets done. He refuses to acknowledge this.

I probably come across as very controlling and know I need to let some stuff slide but I am so sick of feeling like a domestic skivvy and being the brains of the operation. Any advice?

My DH is/was the same. We decided to divide some jobs up and that has helped. I shop (online now I work full-time) and cook. He clears up, stacks dishwasher, etc. I put the washing on, he puts it out to dry (I do quite often have to flag that the cycle is done). He does most of the money (TBH it's all Direct Debits).
He has always taken DS to footy and I always did DD's gym runs.
When I was working p/t I did the cleaning. Best part of going back full-time was getting a cleaner - I feel so much less resentful

There has to be something where is he forgets to do it, there is a big failure. So if H doesn't organise cricket it just doesn't happen. There is no me checking that he has done it

If he lived on his own he would have to work out when to buy more food, cook it, wash up and do his own laundry. If he didn't know how often to do it, he would have to learn. At the moment, he is being lazy (sorry, but he is because he isn't bothering to learn how to do things which help the house run smoothly) because he knows you are a safety net behind him who will always ensure that no-one starves/ goes to work naked.

I get irritated by men who pretend they can't do things properly and so their wives should do it all. As someone said earlier, I bet he doesn't sit there at work pretending he had no idea that he needed to plan in advance how to get to a client meeting on time. Yet he supposedly can't budget for food or see what needs replacing in the fridge? He may be the nicest guy in the world, but he still needs a kick up the arse.

Force him to learn how to do things: no exceptions and no pretending he can't do it properly because he's a man and you are just instinctively better at these household jobs etc. That's sexist, lazy crap spouted by men who can't be arsed to do housework. A woman posted on here a few days ago about her husband washing up in grey and dirty water with no soap, then saying she had better do it in future as he didn't know how. If that was my husband, I'd be using paper plates and he would be the only one eating from filthy plates until he stopped being so pathetic.

I would remove that safety net (ie you) and give him absolute responsibility for several things. Explain how you would do them (eg your food budget, how much to buy in advance, how much milk you tend to get through in a week), then leave it totally up to him. Don't intervene at all, because that takes away his responsibility for doing the task properly. You may find the house will go to chaos for a week whilst your DH bumbles around botching up jobs, but he will learn that there is no longer any back up when he is incompetent: if there is no food because he didn't buy it, he then goes back out to the shops to buy what he forgot. You don't do a thing to intervene. He will soon start to make it part of his thought process: do I have a clean shirt for tomorrow? Is there dinner in the fridge?

You are tired of having the responsibility for pretty much every household job whilst your DH isn't learning how to do things in order to alleviate some of the burden, and that just isn't fair.

The problem in many household there is no clear task or deadlines. I know that's my mum. Where I work you are clear what your tasks are, what is expected and when is it due. I think many posters suggested to run it more like at work. With task lists, white board, ticked when done etc.

When he lets it slide or doesn't do it properly, you're there as the safety net. Stop being the safety net! If you have to train him like you would a toddler than do so but eventually he will do it out of necessity because you won't.

This type of bullshit was an early warning sign that my last relationship was in trouble because I soon lost respect for lazy and selfishness behaviour.

The kids are starting to muck in, well DS1 is the others are a bit little. I know I shouldn't be the safety net as such but if he messes up its me or the kids who pay. He's doing stuff now and has actually added some jobs to the to do list. I am seriously considering suggesting we go for counselling. I do love him, we get on well and parent well together so there are lots of positives but the division of labour definitely isn't one.

Great thread as this is something we are working through ourselves after me being a SAHM for 13 years.

Of course it's going to take time for your DH to learn how to go things and learn what needs doing.

There are aspects of the house that are important to me and things that aren't and I simply don't see. I do things as and when I notice them and lots of things I may not notice as often as some might like windows and skirting boards. It stands to reason he won't see things either. I don't see things he finds important. We just have different priorities.

So i have gone through the 'he ought to know and just do it' stage to now accepting raft I need to be director if operations! He'll do what he knows needs doing, I'll acknowledge he's done it and make a mental note for next time of the bits he can improve on to get to an acceptable standard.

I do have to accept that I need to relinquish control though, not step in and relax standards whilst we both get up to speed with readjusting both our roles. It's not easy even though I know he's not lazy and wants decision of labour at home to be fair.

I've found the easiest way for now is to continue with the daily things that HAVE to be done and give him tasks that are stand alone and can be fitted in when time allows. For example, the routine isn't dependent on the bathrooms being done on the same day and he doesn't have to so that to allow something else to happen.

If he had to do laundry and I had to do ironing, I'd have to wait on him to complete his task before I could do mine. Stand alone tasks are better initially. Ease them into things. It's easy to assume housework is obvious and easy when you've been used to doing it but it takes a while to get efficient and effective.

The thing is OP, this has a way of infecting other parts of the relationship, parenting an adult gets old very quickly.

if he messes up its me or the kids who pay.

And this is essentially the problem, isn't it? You're (justifiably) expecting him to care about stuff that doesn't impact directly on his own life, wellbeing or stress levels.

You want the washing put away (although how would he know when it was dry?) because otherwise you are the one scrabbling around in the morning to find clothes before school. Not doing the chore has no consequences for him.

If he can't accept that chores have been done for a reason, you may have to be prepared for the consequences to hit home. But it sounds like if he ran out of clothes or food he'd just go and buy more, blowing the family budget and causing a large downstream effect (loss of a family holiday?) which again disproportionately punishes the children.

I think I would push for counselling. He needs to know this is a serious problem for you.

yes EXACTLY

its the kids who pay

He wont forget again. YOU HAVE TO LET GO

He is being lazy / selfish and you are enabling it.

If he's a good father he won't do many things that cause DC problems. DH was late for school a few times, DCs teacher and DC complained to him and he sorted it out.

Assuming you already have a cleaner (recommend it if not) amd dishwasher, then cooking, laundry and school/childcare related admin are probably the most onerous jobs, would start with him either taki

Taking some over or part of them (eg cooking on weekends). If he shops, he should stick to an agreed budget.

leadership is not doing all the thinking for everyone or doing it all. At work your H will have to know what's required and do it, he is perfectly capable of doing so at home but considers it beneath him?

I feel like this sometimes. DH will cook, clean, sew or do stuff for dd - whatever I ask, really, but that's the problem, I have to ask! I have to tell him what time dd needs picking up if she has clubs after school. I am the one who knows when she needs kit. I am the one who knows when she needs to sort out birthday presents for her friends. I work more hours than DH, so it isn't as if I have more time.

DH does take responsibility for some stuff. He puts out the bins, sorts the garden and deals with stuff like the boiler packing up. He is also in charge of dental appointments. However, the vast majority of the day to day stuff falls to me to coordinate. Perhaps it's my fault for putting up with it, but the alternative is potentially more stressful, as things just wouldn't get done. And so nothing changes...

Why don't you want the leadership role that involves you being the brains of the operation? You get to take more decisions when you do...

Dull decisions

Like every issue in a relationship it really is down to communication
If you don't tell him how you feel he won't know
Stop expecting him to be a mindreader and just tell him.
Dh does more now i work full-time but it took a row about lack of sex to sort it out

From above:

1). Accept if he does some things he won't do them exactly as you do, don't make an issue of it.

There's a difference between doing the food shopping differently than one's partner, and just carelessly fucking up the food shopping and pretending to be clueless.

2). If he falls behind on stuff don't step in and pick up the slack.

And, what, not have clean clothes? No food in the house? Bathroom stays dirty for weeks on end?

This isn't like sharing a flat, where you can dump your flatmate's dirty dishes in their room.

3). If he doesn't do what he's agreed don't even think about doing it instead. STOP! Just leave it.

If a bathroom's left to moulder for weeks on end it's a thousand times harder to clean, to name just one example. Also, everyone else is forced to live that way.

It's far less drama to just do the quick and frequent maintenance cleans.

Redroom, I'm not trying to be snarky but:

You don't do a thing to intervene. He will soon start to make it part of his thought process: do I have a clean shirt for tomorrow? Is there dinner in the fridge?

How on earth does that work in a shared household? Realistically it will be the kids going without good food or more likely sharing a crappy takeaway with their dad. And it's laundry for five people, not just him!

Not only is it really patronising to him, this "solution" is absolutely not practical.

I think there's no other way but confronting his selfish thinking head-on: if he wants to be in a good relationship he needs to knock off the selfishness.

It's practical. If she grows some

If, having been asked to do his fair share of specific domestic work, he fucks it up or doesn't do stuff with negative impact on OP and the DC, after a week or two of getting used to it, then there is probably a problem with his attitude and concern for her and the family and OP can consider what should happen next.

Insancerre, Op has already told her H how she feels, his response was to ask her to ask him to do specific tasks and to seriously overspend on shopping.

no idea if anyone has said this or not already, but my DH is sometimes a little bit like this, but only because I am a control freak. He is too scared to just do something incase he does it wrong and gets a bollocking. He can see a load needs to go in the machine, but won't incase I want a different one to go in first/no room for more wet clothes etc etc. He daren't even eat what's in the cupboards without asking incase I have a plan for it.
Is this perhaps why he needs to be told before he does, because actually he's terrified it won't be right.......

Ohfgs how would these men cope if they lived alone, how do they cope at work? They would do it because they have to!

Its easier for them to let others do it so they try and get away with it, fall into the pattern of letting their wives/partners do it and so it becomes habit and they play the uncapable man card.

What a pile of shit!

I couldn't be bothered with having to micromanage everything, dp and I both just get on with what needs doing, we will communicate that And divide up jobs but I don't have to tell him what to do!

Eduardo, tell me how it's practical! It's 7:37 AM on Monday morning and there are no clean socks, underwear, or shoes for anyone in the house, because said he'd do laundry and then pretended to forget. Husband fucks off to work, OP has to do the school run in twenty minutes. Go on and tell me how well this is working.

My DH does very little wifework but he does do the following and when he's away I really miss his input:

Garden
All outside wiping down
Sweeping (he just likes doing it; I don't think it's needed)
Bins
All household bills and stuff
He will also put the hoover round if I ask if necessary (I don't do that because of my back)
On Saturday and Sunday mornings he unloads the dishwasher
He did almost all of DS's sports stuff