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Original poster

Dh off to a festival with a Female friend......

65 replies

Adorabelle · 27/08/2006 00:48

leaving at 5am today. She's a longstanding friend
with a fella but has always been pretty honest
that she had a Huge crush on him when we got together 4 years ago, & for quite a while after.

Her dp is an extremely close friend of my dh & I know for certain dh would never cheat with this
woman. So the fuck am I so tearful & angry?

Sat here bawling, am not given to tears usually, but feel horrid.

Do not want to tell him he cannot go as he never goes out anywhere. Cash is very tight, dh doing phd & i'm a sahm. She gave him the ticket for free cos her dp wouldn't go, but all along her dp said he wasn't going.

Any advice most welcome, Please just tell me to get a grip & stop being pathetic

OP posts:
suzywong · 27/08/2006 01:03

is she coming to your house to pick him up?

If I were in your shoes I would have a word with her, that you will be checking dh for signs of misuse on his return, or words to that effect. Even if it is innocent - and it may be on your dh's part - it would do no harm to let her know you've got your eye on her.

Just my gut reaction

MrsApronstrings · 27/08/2006 01:12

I am friendly with one of my exs and have want to reassure you that I could go anywhere with him for a day and it would be entirely platonic - i could not think of him more fraternally now - although we had a long relationship and I loved him.

NotQuiteCockney · 27/08/2006 01:18

Are you maybe jealous of him getting time away?

Original poster
Adorabelle · 27/08/2006 01:24

NQC, I think that yes I am a wee bit jelous that
he's going to be going away for 24 hrs & having
a great time.

Also concerned that this woman might get the wrong idea & be thinking that she at last has a chance with him.

Suzy, Gr8 idea but he's picking her up.

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 27/08/2006 01:43

I am always horribly jealous whenever DH goes away, and he always goes away for work, not fun.

Tiggly · 27/08/2006 01:58

I'm sorry but I think I would feel exactly the same as you. I am of the suspicious sort who would wonder why she would buy a ticket for her partner when he said he wasn't interested in going. I think I would have to make my feelings perfectly clear to both of them involved. I would soooo not be happy with this. I really hope it goes ok for you adorabelle, I will be thinking of you. please feel free to ignore me as i have had the first bottle of wine.

WideWebWitch · 27/08/2006 06:20

I'm not going to tell you to get a grip, why would you be happy at your husband going to a festival with a woman who used to have a crush on him? I wouldn't particularly like it but I honestly don't think my dh would go - he'd want to go with me or not at all.

WideWebWitch · 27/08/2006 06:22

But I realise my post isn't very helpful and also, they've gone now, haven't they? So you do just have to trust him I think since there's not a lot else you can do but I think it's in order to tell him how insecure it made you feel. And I'd be suspicious of the 'free' ticket and her dp not going, WHY isn't her dp going?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/08/2006 09:27

Adorabelle

I can certainly see why you're upset and I sympathise.

Do these two meet up very often together and go off and socialise without their partners (i.e you and her partner)in tow?. Does this lady phone your DH on some pretext say every week?. If either is a "yes" answer I would be extremely concerned. If on the other hand such occasions are rare to non existant I would be less worried but at the same time make it crystal clear to DH that you are not happy. Your DH therefore needs to make it up to you.

What was DH's initial reaction (as well as yours) when all this was initially talked about?. Was he happy, excited, indifferent?.

She had a huge crush on your DH at that time but your now DH did not take it any further with her then and he will not now if he has any sense in him.

Glassofwine · 27/08/2006 10:24

My dH has a couple of female friends, luckily they both live far away so he doesn't see them often. I don't feel 100% happy with either of them one of them has loads of affairs even though she's married and the other clearly had a major crush on him years ago and I can tell doesn't like me. There have been times when they've been to visit and because of children or money I couldn't go too and i've felt just like you do. I just told him exactly how I felt that I trusted him, but not them, that I didn't resent him going out, he deserves it (like you money tight etc) , but that I felt a little jelouse of him having a night out. He was great, understood and texted me or called a couple of times to reassure me all was above board. Talk to him.

Hollyboo · 27/08/2006 10:28

I would be pissed off. I know that they are gone now but just to let you know that you are not unreasonable for feeling like this. If I was her I wouldn't have the nerve to ask an ex away like that no matter when or how often I was in touch with him. She should know better, she should have asked a girlfriend to go with her. How would your dp feel if it was you and one of your exs?

cheeryface · 27/08/2006 10:48

no way, i would have gouged her eyes out and ripped up the tickets

catsmother · 27/08/2006 12:05

I'd feel like you too.

Irrespective of trust issues, I actually think it's very bad manners to ask someone else's husband along to a fairly major event, without also ensuring there's another ticket for his wife should she want to go, and, knowing full well that it'd be near impossible for his wife to come anyway.

I'd feel the same if it was a male friend because it sort of assumes that you're perfectly happy to be left behind looking after the child(ren). You're then placed on the back foot because you run the risk of appearing "mean" should you object to the chance of DP having a rare day out.

However, in this case, there is an underlying, additional nuance, that of her crush. If it was that obvious to all concerned, even if it was in the past, I really do think it's quite cheeky to organise this .... particularly if the "spare" ticket was never going to be used by her DP anyway. Sort of smacks as being too convenient.

I'm sure from what you've said that your DP wouldn't cheat, but that doesn't mean that she might not try, given the background ! And I'd be upset because my DP had allowed her to create the situation where she could try by actually going along.

I'm interested too in how he reacted when this was mentioned.

Original poster
Adorabelle · 27/08/2006 12:38

Thanks for all your posts.

I got up with him at 5' to say Bye & give him a big kiss & cuddle, wanted him to have me in his
thoughts. For those thoughts to be good & not of
my being a killjoy.

He's going cos Pearl Jam are playing (his heroes)
& she said he dp couldn't go cos of a gig he's playing 2morrow. But we all knew he wasn't going to go months ago as he told her.

He doesn't ever socialise with her on his own, always with myself & others but I am SO jelous of the fact that my dh is at a festival (which I would have loved to go to with him) with another woman

As I said I only agreed to him going cos P.Jam
are playing & his nights out are once in a blue moon.

OP posts:
Molesworth · 27/08/2006 12:44

You're a lovely wife adorabelle! Your dh would have to be a real heel to do anything with this other woman. I'm sure he's not (a heel) so it will be fine, and he will love you all the more for your trust and kindness in letting him go without having a tantrum over it.

Original poster
Adorabelle · 27/08/2006 12:53

Thank you very much Molesworth.
I'm not an overly aggressive woman but if i'm vexed i'm certainly not backwards in say so, quite loudly sometimes

I did consider the tantrum route but he still might have gone & his last memory of me would be of a mad woman screaming like a banshee.

OP posts:
mellowma · 27/08/2006 13:00

Message withdrawn

Glassofwine · 27/08/2006 13:09

Adorabelle - you know what I would still let him know that it made you feel uncomfortable when he gets back. it won't hurt for him to know that it was a sacrafice for you.

Original poster
Adorabelle · 27/08/2006 13:15

GlassofWine, hadn't really thought about saying
anything when he gets home. Now you've suggested
it though I am thinking that I will.

Also want to ask him how he would feel if the situation was the other way round.

mellowma are you at Reading? Will give you a profile pic if you are & you can hunt him down for me

OP posts:
lorina · 27/08/2006 13:16

Adorabelle do you have male friends that you go out with whilst your Dh stays at home ?

mellowma · 27/08/2006 13:23

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Adorabelle · 27/08/2006 13:24

lorina, no I don't go out with male friends alone
I have a couple of very good male friends, who have wives, so we all socialise together.

OP posts:
Freckle · 27/08/2006 13:25

Does her dp know about her enormous crush on your dh? If not, perhaps you should have let him know. If he does and is happy for her to go with him, then perhaps she is over it by now and you have nothing to worry about.

lorina · 27/08/2006 13:28

I can see why you are upset then. ((hugs))

I think you need to tell him (nicely not in row or anything) that it breaks your heart and you would never do it to him.

Original poster
Adorabelle · 27/08/2006 13:29

mellowma, hope you are having a great time

I've got no idea where he would be, somewhere near The Concrete Jungle probably, is that tent there this year? He's there now anyhow so i've just got to think that he won't do anything with this woman (I sincerely don't think he will) & when he gets home I can have a couple of nights out his week at my mates house while he babysits

OP posts: