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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help - do I even have a way out?

69 replies

EssexMummy123 · 02/05/2014 00:00

I'm pretty sad right now, I get up at 6.30 to go to work before DD wakes up and i have a 4 hour commute each day - an 8 hour day in the office with a max of 30 minutes break. So home, dd to bath/bed, house admin, tidying, dinner cooked and next thing it's 9,30 and i'm worn out, no time ever for gym/yoga/friends - weekends are spent doing housework and looking after DD, no family or anyone to babysit so no nights out or anything. TBH I want to spend weekends making up to DD for the time i'm not there during the week.

I feel so gutted that if i'm lucky mon-fri i see DD for a max of 30 minutes, OH say's i have no choice that i have to pay for 50% of the mortgage and bills (we earn around the same but he works locally).
The house isn't in my name at all but i paid 25% of the deposit and, as i said half of the bills - OH say's that legally i am liable for the house even though it isn't in my name - he has an LLB so knows much more than i do about the Law.

I wondered if i would be better of leaving him and getting a part-time job and claiming WTC but he thinks i should be unhappy - that it's better for DD not to be shipped between two parents.

I feel like there's no love - and it kills me that i only get to spend a max of 30 minutes a day with DD to pay for a house that i don't like, don't want to live in and isn't in my name - but i don't think i have an alternative - i wish i did.

OP posts:

perfectview · 02/05/2014 00:05

If you don't own it you don't have to pay for it. He is taking you for a ride and all I can say is get some legal advice ASAP.

BiscuitMillionaire · 02/05/2014 00:07

A 4 hour commute would make most people miserable, and I doubt your OH would do it. Are you married? If you're not, and the house isn't in your name either, you definitely need to get legal advice.

Maisie0 · 02/05/2014 00:10

Have you ever told him that you do not like the house ? Shouldn't he be supportive, and not even use the excuse of "what about the kid" ?
4 hour is definitely a long commute. Are you certain that you do not feel guilty for him, than you feel bad for yourself to do this and not enjoy our DD's upbringing ? Be honest with yourself and your needs.

I also once burnt out too from this kind of crazy 16 hour working. It really should not exist, and it truly does not work at all. It doesn't. Your own health will also suffer as well too. If you do not look after yourself, then how does DD get looked after ? Is it not possible to find a local job first, earn a little bit less, but cover enough, and then also have better sleeping patterns and be closer and nearer to DD ?

Original poster

EssexMummy123 · 02/05/2014 00:11

So, he pay's the mortgage - I pay for everything else, food, bills, nursery etc - so i can't exactly stop paying for my half as i don't think he can afford to pay for the rest.

I've begged him to to talk to an estate agent with a view to selling and buying somewhere smaller and cheaper but he won't talk to one - he's worried that he might lose money by selling - he thinks i should be pulling together with him. But i feel so bad that i don't get to spend a lot of time with my daughter, or have any kind of work/life balance. I also think i have pretty high blood pressure but i'm to scared to talk to the doctor about it.

OP posts:

Maisie0 · 02/05/2014 00:12

When you speak to your OH. Do not ask him "what do you think", but say "I do not want to do this any more". And see his reaction. Do not feel guilty for wanting good and decent sleep, or to be closer to your child when he is young. These kind of times can never be brought back to your life again once they are gone.

Original poster

EssexMummy123 · 02/05/2014 00:13

Sorry, he's not a bad guy - i just feel in a mess.

OP posts:

independentfriend · 02/05/2014 00:14

It's not up to him. You can end the relationship for whatever reason you want. Yes, you do have a choice. If there's no love, then why share so much of your life with him?

What you're entitled to/are liable for will depend upon many factors, one of which is whether or not you're married. It's highly unlikely you're liable for a house you don't own.

Good places to start are:

Legal advice about finances on separation - try lawyers with expertise in family matters, Law Centres, Citizen Advice Bureaux, so you know what the position actually is.

Job hunting. There are lots of advantages in terms of career progression etc to working full time, so try looking for full time work closer to home as well as looking for part time work. In the meantime, have you asked your current employer for flexible working arrangements? Can you do working from home?

Original poster

EssexMummy123 · 02/05/2014 00:16

In terms of money - i need to clear over 2.5k a month to pay my half - so finding a close part-time job isn't going to do it.

OP posts:

Maisie0 · 02/05/2014 00:17

Hang on. I do not wish to pry, but nursery are pretty hefty ! Plus food, plus bills of a house. I do not think that this is fair. Is this a man or a mouse ? Sorry to say...

If you deal with so much admin and billings and things like that. Then ask him to do more housework and spread his time out more. You shouldn't do equal there, cos your time, your 4 hour is gone. This is not equality, and it does not mean that you need to do that as well.

Original poster

EssexMummy123 · 02/05/2014 00:19

I just can't see a clear way forward - DD will go be going to school next year and i want to be able to pick her up from school and be around in the holidays - and i'm quite scared that, that's a stupid crazy dream. OH doesn't seem to understand - the deal there is that i have to pay 50% of everything or rather he pays the mortgage and i pay everything else.

Appreciate the replies very much btw.

OP posts:

Maisie0 · 02/05/2014 00:19

I'm sorry but, if your job can clear this amount, and he still want to keep the house, then this is ridiculous. Have you been with this guy for long, and has he always had this house? Cos how could he afford it if that is what he is earning and need to ask you to pay for it too ? How did he even manage to get it ? This is crazy. If he loses the house, then he loses the house. That is not your problem, because of his own misjudgment to begin with. This is NOT love.

Maisie0 · 02/05/2014 00:25

I also run a single household for myself, so I know how hard it can be. I also realised in hindsight that if I was not too emotionally attached to my house, I would be a wealthy woman now. Cos I poured a lot of savings to the maintenance of a house. That is just being fair though, to be honest. And if you are going to be in it for the long haul together, shouldn't both of you be truthfully honest ? There has to be a time whereby a person need to let go and reassess a situation and see if there can be better options elsewhere. Even a friend recently mentioned that they managed to save before having twins. Her husband just was made redundant, so the fees of nursery is saved. There was an article recently about fees being almost to a single person's salary, which is an awful lot ! You guys truly need to reassess your options. Or whether to even consider getting a lodger or other to help savings and so forth.

Something has got to give.

BiscuitMillionaire · 02/05/2014 00:26

He pays the mortgage and you pay everything else. How convenient for him that you don't have any stake in the house, should you separate.

AllDirections · 02/05/2014 00:29

Is the mortgage really 2.5k a month?

MiniTheMinx · 02/05/2014 00:30

How much is the mortgage if your "half" of the deal is 2.5k?

I'm sorry, but you are being taken for a ride. He would never cope if you were not there. I suspect he knows this and knows he is taking advantage, in order that he can spend a stupendous amount on a house that only he will own.

I would also question how someone can earn 2.5k a month and not be able to see these basic facts. You do have choices available to you, he on the other hand would be best to consider whether he could realistically afford 2.5k a month on a mortgage if/or when you leave him. And that is precisely the reason he is using blackmail tactics on you!

Original poster

EssexMummy123 · 02/05/2014 00:32

Exactly - the house has only two bedrooms and a very old leaking bathroom so i don't think a lodger is viable or would make much difference.

He got the house through a dodgy mortgage broker - i made him go into the halifax with a view to finally adding me and the broker said if what he told her was correct then there was no way he would have got the mortgage - so we left quite quickly.

But anyway - on a practical note, i don't know what i can do - i have a flat rented out in a different part of the country that i'm trying to sell at a loss. I dont have any savings - and my job is a two hour commute away which i'm desperate to change. Where do i even start?

OP posts:

Maisie0 · 02/05/2014 00:34

Maybe you need to confront him as well to be honest. For him not to "put ego before love". If he cannot afford the house, then he cannot afford the house and down grade. If he loses money, then he loses money. He shouldn't lose love as well, and lose his kid too ! What is he thinking by not even contemplating this fairness ?

Have you ever said to him "do you want to lose me too, and lose your child also too, over that of a house" ?

Original poster

EssexMummy123 · 02/05/2014 00:36

Mini - i wondered if i'm being manipulated, he has told me before that he's good at manipulating people which i guess makes me quite dense :-(

But what do i actually do? i don't have any spare money - I'm a freelancer and due to a crap eptopic pregnancy which meant i took couple of months of work and i'm not even going to be on top of my tax bill until August.

Am i stupid...

OP posts:

Maisie0 · 02/05/2014 00:38

Then push for the house to go through auction... and that is unfortunately the only way now in this market climate and then focus and consolidate.
Even if it is to save a bit of sanity !

Original poster

EssexMummy123 · 02/05/2014 00:41

Maisie - yes i've said that he will lose the house f i stop paying - that was when he said that i should carry on and be miserable because it was better for DD not to split between two parents, that it was my fault that he even bought this place because i encouraged him. OMG did i really just type that? i encouraged him - or what i thought was us (until dodgy mortgage broker came along) but there was some fairly significant deaths in the family and the moving had never seemed real to me.

OP posts:

MiniTheMinx · 02/05/2014 00:42

ah, no not stupid, he is obviously cunning. Years ago a guy told me quite casually "I don't like people very much" a little later "I like to talk and get to know people, you never know when you might need them" only a few weeks later did it dawn on me that he was using me too. Too trusting and sometimes its retrospectively that we realise that when a guy says something about himself which down't paint a pretty picture...listen and believe it.

Original poster

EssexMummy123 · 02/05/2014 00:43

He won't even talk to an estate agent about the possibility of putting it on the open market - so i don't think auction is a possibility.

So where does this leave me?

OP posts:

fidelineish · 02/05/2014 00:44

Forget the house for a moment.

Do you even want to be in this relationship?

If so, why?

Maisie0 · 02/05/2014 00:44

So home, dd to bath/bed, house admin, tidying, dinner cooked and next thing it's 9,30 and i'm worn out

Try to get just healthier options of pre-made food. Buy time.
House tidying ? Why are you tidying always especially if you are not in the house to do anything ? I don't get it. Is it even possible to say pay a cleaning lady for like a hour a week ? Say 10-20 pound to save your own sanity ?

It sounds like your hormones are kicking in as you want to spend more time with DD. This is absolutely perfectly natural. It must be very upsetting to fight against this actually.

MiniTheMinx · 02/05/2014 00:45

No, it really would be better for your daughter to know and see her mother. He is being incredibly selfish.

Who's name are the bills in?

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