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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you mind your DH/DP talking to another woman about sex?

85 replies

mrdrew · 28/04/2014 20:51

Not sexting but just talking to a particular female friend about it as they may with their male friends - about previous experiences and stuff

OP posts:
celticghurl · 29/04/2014 21:06

Just had it happen twice to me. Friends then became lovers. So no not odd just been hurt badly

celticghurl · 29/04/2014 21:06

Just had it happen twice to me. Friends then became lovers. So no not odd just been hurt badly

AnyFucker · 29/04/2014 21:09

Yes, lots of us have, I am sorry about that. I try not to project it onto others though, especially when there is very little evidence to do so.

Bowlersarm · 29/04/2014 21:10

My DH talks about sex in general a lot, including to our female friends and his colleagues, and general chats about sex wouldn't and don't bother me. I wouldn't like him to talk about our personal sex life to anyone else though.

Fairenuff · 29/04/2014 21:13

I think maybe you could judge whether it was an ok sort of conversation by asking whether they would say the exact same thing if you were with them.

LeBearPolar · 29/04/2014 21:13

Um - I have a good male friend and am trying to remember whether we've ever had a conversation like this. I think we might have done but if so it would have been very much in the style of SnotAndBothered's Conversation A. I really didn't set that much store by it, obviously, and haven't spent days/weeks/months over-analysing whether or not it means we might inadvertently have sex as a result of it...

I'm with SGB and AF on this but I know I'm in the minority on MN in not thinking that because I have a male friend I am in permanent and imminent danger of having sex with him for no other reason than the fact that he has a penis and I have a vagina and yet we still have conversations without a chaperone.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 29/04/2014 21:14

Totally depends on context and circumstances. I don't think it would bother me if it was general chit chat. I've got male friends who I would talk to openly in the same way I would to my female friends. DH has close female friends and I guess would talk to them in a similar way. I wouldn't talk about sex life with dh and I would expect him to give me the same privacy but other than that, fine.

It's up to you though. If it bothers you, you have every right to feel that way.

celticghurl · 29/04/2014 21:14

Op will be on here in a few months after finding out theyve been having an affair

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 29/04/2014 21:17

Celtic, irrespective of whether this has happened to you (and I'm really sorry that it has), I don't think you are being particularly helpful.

AnyFucker · 29/04/2014 21:19

You cannot possibly predict that, celtic

Sallystyle · 29/04/2014 22:22

We have the odd sex conversations at work, the males and females.

I would never give personal details about my sex life but I will join in with general chit chat about it.

My husband once had a work friend (female) tell him about her night of passionate sex with three other women and that crossed a line imo and made him very uncomfortable and pissed me off.

I wouldn't say anything about sex to my work friends that I wouldn't say if my husband was there. That's my personal boundaries, if I know I wouldn't say something if my husband was in the room then I am likely crossing a line.

Canihaveaslice · 29/04/2014 22:56

I'm probably in the minority as I don't see a problem with it. I wouldn't go into graphic detail with a man as they wouldn't understand the same as say my female friends would but I would chat about places, experiences, likes etc.

Obv I would only talk about this stuff with male friends who I knew well and were comfortable with it. I also wouldn't have an issue with a female friend discussing it with my stbxh when we were still together. If talking about sex with a woman is going to make him go out and do it with her then he's not worth it anyway and to be honest you can make a conversation about a cup of tea sound flirtatious so it's not so much about the subject matter than it's tone and intention.

LividofLondon · 30/04/2014 11:10

It wouldn't bother me provided it was said in a non-flirty way. I've had conversations about all sorts of things, sex included, with my male friends but never in a flirty way. Just general chat.

SelectAUserName · 30/04/2014 11:32

I would be concerned if he only talked about sex with this particular woman, and/or if they were discussing personal / intimate details or using the topic as a means to flirt / test the boundaries as Cogito outlined.

If it's in general terms, doesn't lead to any over-sharing or apparent "connections" - as in "oh wow, I tried that and loved it too, we're soooooo alike" [rolleyes] - and is just symptomatic of a conversation he'd have with any / most of his friends, I wouldn't be too concerned.

fifi669 · 30/04/2014 11:42

I think in OPs case I'd be a bit eh? But when I put my logical head on realise there isn't anything to it.

A guy I went to college with, then worked with is open about sex with me as I am to him. Nothing between us ever, never will be. Nothing in crazy detail or whatever. In conversation I might say DP is working so hard we haven't had time for sex, or recount something if it was particularly funny/horrific. He told me that he and his fiancée had sex in our office as he was collecting his things when he left.

All innocent chit chat to us!

greenffrog · 30/04/2014 20:44

I wouldn't mind if it was an occasional chat or part of a conversation with a group or something but I wouldn't be comfortable if it was frequent private conversations with the same woman.

AdeptusMechanicus · 30/04/2014 22:02

I guess it depends on the closeness of the friendships. In general they could be trading stories to gain insight into each others views ect.

militantmango · 30/04/2014 23:06

No but it might make female friend uncomfortable.
I have a friend who's husband mentions things about their sex life sometimes and it makes me incredibly uncomfortable.

Original poster
mrdrew · 01/05/2014 19:59

Hmm so how about private lunches? DH apparently went out for lunch with her today. He mentioned it in passing and didn't specifically tell me, he said it was just to catch up and nothing wrong with it then said they used to do it all the time when they worked together. He never told me about these at the time. He doesn't tell me what he does every lunchtime obviously so he's never lied but just not told me.

OP posts:
chaseface · 01/05/2014 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
mrdrew · 01/05/2014 20:07

not really, meant to say he mentioned in passing that he had been in town and when I asked why that's when he said he'd met her for lunch so he didn't hide it but didn't volunteer it either

OP posts:
HotSauceCommittee · 01/05/2014 20:17

Never mind the details OP. Something has got your antenna up, hasn't it? I don't think you are feeling entirely secure. Am I right?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/05/2014 07:01

I agree with the PP. Sometimes you can't put your finger on it why a particular behaviour feels 'off', it just does. A random remark about sex on a beach is something and nothing in isolation. Add it to a mentioned-in-passing lunch and it might still be something and nothing. Add it to 'all the time' lunches that you weren't aware of and the picture forming is of someone with whom he is in regular contact, close enough to feel comfortable talking about sex and so on. Still might be nothing at all but if you're not normally the jealous or insecure type and your senses are twitching... trust your judgement, ask a few questions and keep your eyes open.

peasandlove · 02/05/2014 07:36

I have male mates, I could totally imagine having that conversation with them, having lunch with them, going out for a few beers after work. Ive found once the new girlfriend realises I'm not a threat it's no problem. I suspect if there was history though it might be different.

HotSauceCommittee · 02/05/2014 10:11

You ok, OP?