Husband has patriarchal ideals...

[LucyBucy]

We've been together for 12 years and his patriarchal ideals have always grated but in the last 6 months I've been wondering if I can stand much more of it. He has a "do as I say, not as I do" approach to me and my daughters, gets angry if his approach is questioned, hates the girls or me having the last word on a decision and stomps off muttering to himself about how I always get my own way - which just isn't true.
He wants the girls to do what he wants with no questions. Yesterday he got angry because they didnt want to go to judo (his choice of class) and called them useless fucks (though when they were out of ear shot). Today he got angry with me and our 5 year old because I let her off getting dressed because she's been under the weather lately. I hate his behaviour and it seems to mirror his own upbringing - powerlessness as a child with an abusive father who will still tell his kids theyre useless even now.
Am feeling quite tearful and dont know how to get through to him without having a shouty argument that his behaviour doesnt fit in our family :-(.

Well said bibliomania

agreed that he will try to test the boundaries. Sometimes he may not realise that he's acting badly, but sometimes he will and he'll just be pushing it. Have to stay strong.

hard work for you both ... if the chance of him changing is real.

Meerka, with respect love, your approach puts the onus on OP to police this man's behaviour. It places the responsibility for monitoring it and picking him up on it squarely on her shoulders.

She didn't cause this and she cannot control it. Only he can do that. He will, or he will not.

I doubt very much that by the time someone is desperate enough to bring their personal problems to an online forum that they haven't tried already many many times to cajole and appeal to their partner's better nature. If it was that simple, they would have no need to come here and lay their life open to strangers.

and what bibliomania said (and Hissy, and Attila as per)

it does rather put the onus on the OP yeah :s and it -is- absolutely his responsibility for being so awful and tyrannical.

Did you know him BEFORE the marriage. Was it arranged????

Or, Has he completely changed from when you met him.

Or have you made the classic mistake a lot of women do (he is a complete and utter dick but I may as well marry him and try to change him into a decent human being)?