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Original poster

DH finds me physically repulsive

82 replies

maybehesright · 26/04/2014 00:00

been married 25 years. My DH is super fit and has a real loathing of "fat" people. I was a size 10/12 when we married. After 2 children quickly got back to size 12. fast forward 20 years... am an ample and chubby size 14 and DH finds my size physically repulsive. We have always been really close but now I just feel like a failure.. .and the more I get stressed out about my size, and the more he mentions it, the more I comfort eat/drink... vicious circle. Not really sure why I'm posting, it's between me and him really, feel it's his problem more than mine, just feeling a bit shit and wanted to rant.

OP posts:
Nunyabiz · 26/04/2014 00:09

That sounds horrible Sad
Did he actually use those words or are you assuming based on what he says about other people that he would find you repulsive?
Physical attraction is a lot deeper than how a person looks. My DH is a bit on the podgy side but I think he's attractive, unless we argue... Then I think he looks like shrek Blush your DH sounds very shallow.

silverlight · 26/04/2014 00:12

You are absolutely right, it's his problem and you haven't failed at anything. If you are comfortable with yourself as a size 14 then stay that way!

But having said that there are all sorts of good health reasons to keep to the weight that suits your height and frame but if you decide to change your eating habits or take more exercise or whatever do it for yourself, not to satisfy someone else's prejudices.

PollyCazaletWannabe · 26/04/2014 00:13

'Physically repulsive' is a horrible thing to say. Please tell me that isn't what he actually says to you :(

3littlefrogs · 26/04/2014 00:14

He sounds horrid.
I am late fifties and have gone from a size 10 to size 14 in the last 30 years.

DH loves me just the way I am and so he should.

After 25 years he should appreciate more than your size! He isn't being kind or loving Sad

Original poster
maybehesright · 26/04/2014 00:15

he's never actually said "I find you physically repulsive"... but he constantly comments on my size, what I eat, what drink etc etc. and we haven't had sex for months, I can just tell he no longer fancies me at all. Ironically I am fitter than I have ever been... just bigger. He's not a shallow person... but does have a "thing" about size. not looks, just size. As said, think it's his problem not mine but after all these years of a great marriage, am for the first time wondering whether we have a future. Scary.

OP posts:
LettertoHermioneGranger · 26/04/2014 00:21

Attraction is more than physical features. No matter what DP looks like physically, I see him through rose-colored glasses, he makes me go all starry eyed and shivery.

If he bases his attraction on your physical appearance, if he thinks there's something wrong with you, or makes you feel badly about yourself - please think about whether you really want to be in a situation where you're not valued for the kind of person you are, as this sounds horrible to me. His feelings for you should have nothing to do with your physical appearance.

Darkesteyes · 26/04/2014 00:23

Arseholes like that really piss me off I went from a size 28 down to a 12/14 in 2002/2003 and if someone had had that attitude to me after going through that (including suffering gallstones which the surgeon told me was through losing the weight too quickly) I think I would have decked them tbh.
Since last summer ive gone from a 22 to a 16 . First paragraph I wrote still applies.

Ive had TWO takeaways in that time A dominos on 4th August last year and fish and chips on NYE and ive given up chocolate pasta and diet coke. And stuck to the SW plan. And its STILL taken me all this time to lose 2 stone.

WHY? Because we are all individuals not one big homogenous mass that are all the same.

A size 14 is what im aiming for. He sounds like an arse.

Ledkr · 26/04/2014 00:31

Size 14 is gorgeous, I'm a 16 and would love to be a 14, but I'm still bloody gorgeous, I have a pretty face nice arse and lovely hair.
Tell him you find his superficial ness repulsive and get yourself someone who is less ridiculous.

Darkesteyes · 26/04/2014 00:33
HandragsNGladbags · 26/04/2014 00:33

For the love of god you have increased size by 2 inches in 25 years Shock

If that's all he has to moan about he surely realises what a wonderful woman he has.

Ps love that darkest knows when they had a pizza to the exact date Grin

Original poster
maybehesright · 26/04/2014 00:43

you're all writing exactly what I would have posted in response to a post like this. He didn't marry me for my looks for sure... but I was slim back then and it's only in the last few years I've realised how much size (or lack of size) is important to him. I would like to lose a few pounds for myself, but am not obese, exercise regularly so am fitter and healthier than back when I was smaller. It's just been a shock with an otherwise healthy, close relationship to realise just how much size means to him and what that might mean for our future

OP posts:
Darkesteyes · 26/04/2014 00:45

You mean its been a shock to find out hes shallow.

Darkesteyes · 26/04/2014 00:45

Handrags I bloody miss that garlic stuffed crust

cozietoesie · 26/04/2014 00:47

.......but he constantly comments on my size, what I eat, what drink etc etc.........

He's horrid. Are you prepared to stay with him when your boobs go south, your thighs become crepey (even if you lose weight) and are constantly worrying that he'll comment on those and other things?

You say he's not shallow but he sure as heck sounds it to me, I'm afraid. You're so much more than some physical attributes.

Is there anything about you that he actually compliments you on?

cozietoesie · 26/04/2014 00:48

Sorry -x post.

MistressDeeCee · 26/04/2014 00:52

He's not a shallow person... but does have a "thing" about size. not looks, just size

If this isn't abhorrently shallow, I don't know what is. The man is obsessed with appearance and worse still, he vocalizes it to his own life partner.

If you think his shallowness is worth taking on board I suppose you could slim down a couple of sizes (& then scale-watch for the rest of your life) and perhaps he may suddenly fancy you again. Or, more likely, find another reason to pick on you.

Don't know what to advise apart from stand up for yourself, stop letting him pick on you and make you feel like shit, draw up a chair and the 2 of you sit down and have a conversation about what inadequacy in himself is causing him to find fault with you, instead of facing whats truly bothering him. Maybe you will find a way forward. A man like this could easily make you fall out of love with him. Emotional and mental cruelty is deeply unattractive and kills love eventually

cozietoesie · 26/04/2014 00:52

He constantly goes on about your size and food/drink consumption and you haven't had sex in months: where is this 'otherwise healthy, close relationship' taking place ?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 26/04/2014 00:52

This is making me quite angry for you.

I admit, like others, I don't really get how the really-quite-small increase from a 10 to a 14 can be claimed as the source of such a radical reaction.

But even if it were true, or if you'd become a size 38 or a fish with gills, would it be ok for him to keep making those comments? I'd say not. In fact I think it is cruel, even if maybe he's unaware that's how it comes across.

Have you said to him, in so many words, how upsetting you find his comments?

Darkesteyes · 26/04/2014 00:54

cozie is right The inside of my thighs are crepey through weight loss and a shallow twunt like this WOULD moan about loose skin.

OP you do NOT sound like you need to lose weight.

Botanicbaby · 26/04/2014 00:55

the most unattractive sounding person here is your 'D'H. there's a world of difference between expressing concern about a partner's weight increase for health reasons but thats not the case here.

so he's always had a real loathing of "fat" people, has he? tbh he sounds like he's got some issues going on. So he is making you feel like a failure and is constantly commenting on your size and what you eat/drink. You don't need to put up with it if he's making you unhappy.

It sounds like he's the one perpetuating the comfort eating vicious circle you find yourself in, he is bad for your health.

I suppose he thinks he's perfect Hmm

Original poster
maybehesright · 26/04/2014 00:55

the 'otherwise healthy close relationship' took place in most of our 25 year marriage.... I guess I've not considered him shallow because I am plain rather than beautiful and that has never bothered him. It's only since I've got bigger in the last few years that this has come to a head.

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 26/04/2014 00:57

the most unattractive sounding person here is your 'D'H.

World of truth in that statement.

may, honestly, you are hardly that big. And frankly it's rotten if your DH lets you believe you're plain not beautiful, whatever size you are.

Original poster
maybehesright · 26/04/2014 00:59

It sounds like he's the one perpetuating the comfort eating vicious circle you find yourself in, he is bad for your health.

Actually I think you are right....

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 26/04/2014 00:59

maybe

It sounds as if that relationship is over now though? (If indeed it ever really existed - and you only thought things were fine.)

ThatVikRinA22 · 26/04/2014 01:03

wow.
im a 14. ok so i would love to lose a stone but its not gonna happen until i want it to.
i still feel attractive. i know dh still finds me attractive and actually i have boobs now that i just dont have when a size 12.....i think he likes them - i know i do!
your dh is the problem here and you have the solution - ditch him until he finds some bloody humility. if everyone dumped their spouse on a bit of weight gain then we would all be single.
i used to weight 7st 4. i was a size 8 at that. im now 11 stone and a 14. in some ways im more body confident than i ever used to be. size shouldnt matter.

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