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Original poster

DH finds me physically repulsive

82 replies

maybehesright · 26/04/2014 00:00

been married 25 years. My DH is super fit and has a real loathing of "fat" people. I was a size 10/12 when we married. After 2 children quickly got back to size 12. fast forward 20 years... am an ample and chubby size 14 and DH finds my size physically repulsive. We have always been really close but now I just feel like a failure.. .and the more I get stressed out about my size, and the more he mentions it, the more I comfort eat/drink... vicious circle. Not really sure why I'm posting, it's between me and him really, feel it's his problem more than mine, just feeling a bit shit and wanted to rant.

OP posts:
Original poster
maybehesright · 26/04/2014 01:03

gosh cozie I hadn't thought about it like that... seriously our marriage has been fine til the last couple of years, coinciding with my weight gain. Am going to bed now but not sure I'll sleep thinking through what you've all said. Posted to have a bit of a rant feeling sorry for myself, am now thinking things are even worse than I'd realised

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 26/04/2014 01:24

My own DH has seen me go from thin to fat and back again during our marriage. And at this time in our lives he's seeing my 'northwards' slowly slip 'southwards'. And he has loved me and desired me throughout it all. As I have desired him, grey hair, wrinkles and all.

Your DH is shallow and you deserve much better.

SoleSource · 26/04/2014 02:46

Your DH hates himself, not anybody else.

heyday · 26/04/2014 04:14

We all change over the years, looks, body shape and not too much we can do about it all. Perhaps you are both hitting a bit if a mid life crisis and realising that things are changing. My DP has grown a very large stomach in the past few years and though I still love him I do find it a turn off. I can't help how I feel and your partner can't help how he feels but he needs to vocalise it in a more gentle, mature way. If he is super fit he is going to be critical of how you eat if your diet is drastically different to his. What's most important here is that you feel good about yourself so you can be happy. Try and break the cycle of comfort eating as you will put on more weight which could lower your own self esteem during this rather fragile time. Perhaps you are just too different now to find a future together, perhaps you both realise this and is terrifying. Do things that make you feel good about yourself, buy yourself a few nice bits to wear so your confidence and beauty just radiates and whether you are size 10 or size 16 be happy in your own skin.

MooseBeTimeForSpring · 26/04/2014 04:25

Is he critical of others and their eating habits too? Just wondering if he might be suffering from orthorexia? Or if he's just an arse?

Catmint · 26/04/2014 04:52

It sounds to me as if you think he has been doing you a favour by being with you, because you consider yourself to be plain. I wonder how much he has done to tell you and show you that you are/were beautiful, to him?

I'm no oil painting, but to DP I am beautiful because I am me. DP is a bit paunchy, hair is thinning. But it doesn't matter because I love him. He has other qualities which make him attractive.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 26/04/2014 06:00

Your dinner plate is deeper than your husband and that is grim. He is being a total arse and hasn't the right to treat you this way. You are right to re-consider the whole marriage. I would expect my husband to doubt our marriage if I made comments about his weight and meant them. I could not give a monkeys how much he weighs and vice versa, I married him, not an image in my head. We are both heavier than when we married. It has never been mentioned by either of us except in a jokey way. You should tell him he is coming off as a shallow prat. If he doesn't care at least he will know why you have found someone that deserves you.

BitOutOfPractice · 26/04/2014 06:07

Is he a rude, controlling, self obsessed arsehole all of the time OP or is it just about your size?

TheOrchardKeeper · 26/04/2014 06:12

What right does he have to make you feel worthless to him because you're not some slim thing anymore (and you're hardly obese by the sounds of it. Just plump, which isn't all that uncommon and I'm sure you have a personality that makes up much more of you than your size)!

I hope you can value yourself for things other than your size op even if you're husband can't. It's no way to live Thanks

TheOrchardKeeper · 26/04/2014 06:15

And if you fall into comfort eating at times, his pickiness at your 'lifestyle' and shape will make it worse, because you'll seek comfort.

It's not like you've gained fifteen stone overnight is it? If he can't respect you/make you feel loved then it's not a healthy relationship and is likely to actually fuel your worse eating habits (have had CBT myself for comfort eating after a death shook me up a few years back). Hope you're feeling a bit better for posting Brew

Mumto3dc · 26/04/2014 06:23

My dad treated my mum this way. He has an ED...
From your description of your dh I wonder if he has some ED mental health problems. If so try not to take it too personally, this is about him and not you.

You don't mention dc, I would just say that being subjected to my dad's attitude to my mum's weight through my childhood/adolescence has been hugely damaging for me. I've spent a large proportion of my adulthood with an Ed myself and I cannot shift the link between weight and value/loveable ness as a person.

fishybits · 26/04/2014 06:25

Has your "D" H not aged?

No lines or slight sagging of the jowls? No softening of the throat skin, no receding/greying of his hair. No thickening of the waist and softening of his pecs? No disappearing of his buttocks to be replaced by sagging skin or even thinning skin?

It would take Dorian Grey to have remained unchanged in 25 years, maybe he should take a long hard look at himself.

claraschu · 26/04/2014 06:31

I agree with what everyone is saying.

But I also think Heyday has a really good point, that we are all dealing with ageing, and part of that is our changing bodies, and changing response to our partners.

I also think that, if being concerned with appearance and weight is shallow, most of us are "as shallow as a dinner plate". There are SO many women on this site who spend a LOT of time thinking about their diet / weight. And what about all the time and money spent on makeup etc.

Yes, I know there's a difference between putting effort into our own appearance and criticising someone else's. I think it is interesting and actually heart-warming that so many people say they are attracted to their ageing, unfit, balding DPs.

Ledkr · 26/04/2014 06:49

That's so true about us all changing when we age.
Also we never know what life holds.
I put weight on through the medication I took for cancer and also getting older often means weight gain for many.
Horrible to feel so pressured by your partner to feel bad about what you actually can't help.

TheOrchardKeeper · 26/04/2014 06:53

I found that ADs made me put on half a stone in a month Shock
I felt really embarassed as I was a bit plump anyway but DP was lovely about it and could tell how pissed off I was anyway. And as he said, he's much rather I was a tiny bit bigger, which didn't matter anyway, than ill and unable to do anything/enjoy anything.

And he lost a lot of weight in his teens so despite being slim, he has a tummy like most women who've been pregnant do. I notice it, as I'm sure he notices mine Grin But I just don't care. And it does fluctuate like we all do, so one of us might gain a bit/lose a bit and vice versa. That's just life isn't it? Especially as you get older.

I do wonder if this is because of his own issues like stated upthread maybe.

yegodsandlittlefishes · 26/04/2014 06:59

Your DH has a problem of his own making. Is there any way you can help him to see that he is risking losing you altogether, and see if he is willing/able to change his attitude? It is a choice. He should realise he can choose to find yiu attractive.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis · 26/04/2014 07:28

Confront him. Sit him down, ask him if he still loves you no matter what, if he finds you desirable. If he comes out with anything that has references your weight gain, it's his problem. Tell him you are not morbidly obese, you are happy in your own skin but he is making you unhappy with his snarky comments. If he can't love you for the woman you are right now then he doesn't love you enough to deserve that woman. (In my 35 years of marriage I've fluctuated between a 14, a 12 and 18. Dh has gone from a size 32 waist to a 38. Still love the bones of each other.)

differentnameforthis · 26/04/2014 08:21

My DH is super fit and has a real loathing of "fat" people

The fact that he sees you as repulsive, says to me that he views you as just any old 'fat person' & not his wife, who he has been married to for 25yrs & who he has children with.

For that reason alone, I'd dump his arse safe in the knowledge that it is him who is, in fact repulsive. You are not the failure.

differentnameforthis · 26/04/2014 08:24

He's not a shallow person... but does have a "thing" about size

that does make him a shallow person.

Original poster
maybehesright · 26/04/2014 08:35

It isn't just my size, he is anti-fat on anyone, is forever commenting on it about other people too not just me.

Thanks everyone, you've given me lots to think about.

OP posts:
iklboo · 26/04/2014 08:45

And he's a physically perfect specimen is he? My ex was like this - I was always 'fat, repulsive, a turn off'. I was a size 12/14. Note the 'ex'.

cozietoesie · 26/04/2014 09:33

....he is anti-fat on anyone, is forever commenting on it about other people too ........

Well that's little to do with you and much to do with him. I think that when I meet or re-acquaint with people, the first things I notice are their voice and eyes. Unless they were morbidly obese (which would register I think) I don't believe I would even actually see body shape - it's all part of the package of that person.

Let me tell you a short tale.

I have some health issues and I've found that the best thing for my body is to adopt a particular diet with exercise and keep my weight well down - I just work best, physically, in that way.

My longest and very best friend in the whole world is my younger brother and when I mentioned to him in passing one day that I was becoming a bit too heavy, he looked at me in genuine puzzlement and said 'Does that matter?' When I explained that it was better for me to be lighter and why, he simply said 'Fair enough' and we moved on to talk about other things: politics or music or whatever - it's not important what, only that the subject has not been resurrected because it really is less important than a host of other things about people.

It seems to me that the balance with (and between) you both has gone awry somewhere.

Oblomov · 26/04/2014 09:45

you've been married for 25 years. how old are you? how many children do you have? your body is the same as when you were 15?
why would you want it to be?
you didn't answer the posters questions as to whether he has aged, jowls, thickening, greying?
he sounds like a tit. a real tit.

BuggersMuddle · 26/04/2014 09:51

He sounds horrible.

When I met DP I was a size 8 and he was chubby. Fast forward 11 years and a period of ill health meant I gained 2 stones and my body shape changed bastard steroids . I also struggle to lose weight because mymetavidm is shot to shit bastard steroids but I too am fitter than I've ever been, but a bit fat.

DP finally joined me in all my exercise and now has the lanky cyclist look Hmm.

He'd love me to lose weight because he knows I want to and it would be healthier. I'm sure he'd find me more attractive too, but more sure that he's just glad I'm okay after seeing me in hospital so many times.

Bit of a saga there but just adding to the chorus of 'shit happens, people age and change, grown ups deal with it'.

BuggersMuddle · 26/04/2014 09:52

Metabolism. bastard iPhone