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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

my mum is dead and I can't think straight

63 replies

Bigmrsdragon · 25/04/2014 20:21

My mum committed suicide yesterday but no-one found her till this afternoon my DB had a call from the police and then he called me.

I don't know what to think, she was a poor mother at best. She favoured my older brother and spoilt him rotten whilst me and my younger DB were ignored or screamed at. Then my brother had a son who he neglected so I adopted him and my mum was so angry with me and me and my younger DB cut contact.
Until my brother died and she was left alone and we all rallied around her and took care of her and she warmed to us all again and we payed for her to have therapy and she seemed okay until Christmas when she ripped a picture that my DS gave her right in front of him because he didn't say thank you. My DCs and my younger DBs kids haven't seen her since. Apparently she has wrote me and my DB a letter each but the police still have it and I don't know when I will get it.

I don't know what to think I haven't told the DCs and DH is in work because he has to go in until they find someone to cover for him. My DCs are in bed and they are having sleepovers tomorrow and they were so excited and now I will have to tell them my mum died and I don't really know how because she was rubbish when it came to emotions and we were just told to suck it up.

I feel very wired, I was set to keep my distance from her and never letting her see my DCs again and now she is gone and I feel a bit empty about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigmrsdragon · 25/04/2014 20:22

Sorry I am just rambling trying to make sense of it all.

OP posts:
Jenijena · 25/04/2014 20:25

Just hand holding as I dontwant to read and run. Perfectly understandable that you can't think straight. You've had a huge shock.

Un-mumsnetty hugsxx

Do you want to tell us more about your Mum?

mylovelyfamily · 25/04/2014 20:26

Oh gosh - Flowers I am so, so sorry

IscreamUscream · 25/04/2014 20:26

Sorry to hear of your loss. I guess you will be feeling a whole range of emotions as it must of come as a shock.
Take it easy on yourself, it will be a difficult time ahead and at this moment support from here and in rl will help you through

MrsMcEnroe · 25/04/2014 20:26

Oh my gosh, I am so sorry for what you're going through, I hope your DH manages to get home soon. You must be feeling so conflicted at the moment. Thinking of you x

Minime85 · 25/04/2014 20:29

so so sorry. an unimaginable day for u. I hope your dp can get home soon Thanks

myroomisatip · 25/04/2014 20:29

I am so sorry. That is so much to deal with. This must be a huge shock to you.

Please take care of yourself.

Original poster
Bigmrsdragon · 25/04/2014 20:38

Thank you
My mum just wasn't a great mum to me and my younger DB. She bought my older brother everything and payed for him to go to great schools and trips abroad and all he did was cause her trouble throughout his teenage years. He was never wrong.
My mum hated our dad and divorced him and she made contact so hard for him he only saw us once a year and she tried to poison us against him but only my older brother fell for it.
My dad died 8 years ago and I never forgave her for limiting our time with him so much. He was a good man and he didn't deserve the way she treated him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigmrsdragon · 25/04/2014 20:41

My DH has someone coming in for him at 9 so he will be home at 9:45 so he will be back then.
I have just opened the Easter egg my PILs bought me.

OP posts:
ROUNDandROUNDINCIRCILESMORETHA · 25/04/2014 20:42

So sorry to hear your sad news.
X

CookieDoughKid · 25/04/2014 20:46

Hello. Just wanted to say hugs to you. Please take it slow, one day at a time. You must feel a lot of guilt and confusion. You may be grieving for the loss of a motherly relationship, the kind you would have adored, felt loved and cherished. The kind of mother you wanted to be good to you. Its hard as you wanted better. You may be feeling this loss more than the actual mother who may. have been generally shit to you. I truly believe some mother's aren't cut out for it. Just because they get labeled one doesn't mean they are good at it. Take some time out to reflect but know that you have control now. This will pass and you will continue to be a good mum to yours. Please let us know how you get on.

UnlikelyAmazonian · 25/04/2014 20:48

I'm sorry your mother has died.

But you can give yourself permission to be glad, you know.

You no longer have to suffer the conflicted emotions of having to be no contact or some contact etc.

She obviously had massive issues of her own and sounds highly dysfunctional.

But you did your best by her in rotten and hurtful times. For this you deserve praise.

Forgive yourself.

Forgive but don't forget what she did to you and your sibling.

Love your own family - hold them close to you right now and know that you are doing your utmost not to repeat her parenting patterns.

You will grieve for your mum - but you will also grieve for the mum you never had and deserved.

Kikibee · 25/04/2014 20:49

Oh gosh, my sympathies MrsD, i have spent a long time imagining this scenario, I believe that I will mourn the mother I didn't have, so if you have these feelings, I am sad for you

CookieDoughKid · 25/04/2014 20:50

You are not to blame in anyway for your mother's death. Remember that. they

WanderingAway · 25/04/2014 20:50

Sorry for your loss.

I wanted to say something similar to what Unlikely said but they put it into words better.

((hugs to you))

JugglingFromHereToThere · 25/04/2014 20:57

I'm so sorry for your loss Thanks

Losing a mother is always hard

Suicide is so hard on those left behind

Complicated and difficult relationships don't make grieving any easier

Every relationship is unique

Everyone's grief for every loss is different Sad

((( Hugs x )))

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 25/04/2014 20:57

Good post UnlikelyAmazonian.

Bigmrsdragon, you really don't have to tell your children yet you know - do it when you are ready and it feels right/you can handle it.

Original poster
Bigmrsdragon · 25/04/2014 21:00

Thank you your all so nice.
Your all right I probably will grieve for the mum I wish I could have had.
I just wish that she could have left her GC with a nice memory of her rather than her having a tantrum at Christmas and making them cry.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigmrsdragon · 25/04/2014 21:04

I might not tell the DCs till Sunday so they can have their sleepovers. They aren't back in school till Tuesday so they will still have Monday to stay at home if they want too.

OP posts:
UnlikelyAmazonian · 25/04/2014 21:05

She wasn't capable of that.

You are not to blame and your children at least may only have that one memory.

I am very sorry for your mother, as she must have been desperate. Suicide is such a huge statement. But do not take on board any blame.

She ended her life because she wanted to. With dysfunctional parents, there is really nothing we can do except accept and forgive and continue to love our own families and enjoy every spring morning, summer's day, winter's night.

ShyGirlie · 25/04/2014 21:18

This really strikes a chord with me. I am really sorry for your loss and have some understanding of how you feel. Unlikelys words are very suitable. i hope you can take things slowly and that everything is as gentle as possible for you. i hope you find some peace and comfort Thanks

LadyofSpain · 25/04/2014 21:18

I suspect you have long grieved for the mum you needed....and deserved. The person who chose to end her life was not that person. It sounds as if you have made a good life for yourself and your family, despite everything, especially taking over the care of your nephew.You have no reason to feel guilt, nothing has really changed. Just a sad ending to a rather sad life. Please don't let it affect yours. Talk through everything with your loved ones. Give your emotions full rein. In time, you will hopefully find peace from all that you have suffered.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 25/04/2014 21:24

Telling your DC on Sunday after the sleepovers sounds OK, or you could tell them tomorrow and still let them go, but perhaps you'd feel that wasn't fair on the other parents (depends how well you know them?)

In general I'm in favour of telling our DC about bereavement at an early stage, but it's completely understandable to take some time for your own grief first, and maybe depends a little on the child's age and how much they will pick up on your emotions?

Original poster
Bigmrsdragon · 25/04/2014 21:29

I am not sure what to do about the sleepovers. They are supposed to be happening here. The DCs are aged between 5 and 11 I don't know if they will pick up on it. I will be with my brother tomorrow and they are so excited for their sleepovers they probably won't notice anyway.

OP posts:
JugglingFromHereToThere · 25/04/2014 21:40

Ahh, if the sleepovers were to be at yours I'd definitely think about postponing them to another time MrsD, especially if more than one little guest is involved.
Everyone will understand and you need to be kind to yourself x