my mum is dead and I can't think straight

[Bigmrsdragon]

My mum committed suicide yesterday but no-one found her till this afternoon my DB had a call from the police and then he called me.

I don't know what to think, she was a poor mother at best. She favoured my older brother and spoilt him rotten whilst me and my younger DB were ignored or screamed at. Then my brother had a son who he neglected so I adopted him and my mum was so angry with me and me and my younger DB cut contact.
Until my brother died and she was left alone and we all rallied around her and took care of her and she warmed to us all again and we payed for her to have therapy and she seemed okay until Christmas when she ripped a picture that my DS gave her right in front of him because he didn't say thank you. My DCs and my younger DBs kids haven't seen her since. Apparently she has wrote me and my DB a letter each but the police still have it and I don't know when I will get it.

I don't know what to think I haven't told the DCs and DH is in work because he has to go in until they find someone to cover for him. My DCs are in bed and they are having sleepovers tomorrow and they were so excited and now I will have to tell them my mum died and I don't really know how because she was rubbish when it came to emotions and we were just told to suck it up.

I feel very wired, I was set to keep my distance from her and never letting her see my DCs again and now she is gone and I feel a bit empty about it.

Be honest with them.
Answer questions, don't overburden them with details, but don't evade uncomfortable truths if they ask.

I am glad you are getting some comfort out of your children enjoying themselves.
You are doing so well in a very difficult situation.

Oh, you poor girl. Now, listen, whatever your mum's letter says, just bear in mind she wasn't herself when she wrote it - please don't let it upset you ... oh, that's silly of me, of course it's going to upset you, but don't let it throw you into despair. The poor lady had a lot of problems, obviously, many probably of her own making. Just concentrate on your own beloved family now. Your mum's at peace. She can't be upset, or upset you, any more. Hug your kids, and DP close.

So sorry to hear this. My FIL also committed suicide. My H and I hadn't seen him for 10 years at that time as H had never had a good relationship with him and he hadn't approved of him marrying me.

We told our children what had happened (they were 3 and 6 at the time). It was easier for us because they had never met him so they weren't personally upset by his death. They didn't know that people ever chose to commit suicide and they were a bit worried about this but we talked about it a lot and they accepted that he was obviously very unhappy at that moment in time and that there was nothing we or anyone else could have done to change his mind. We've always been pleased they knew what happened and we haven't had to explain what really happened as they've got older. Also, people did talk about it at the funeral - there were a lot of hushed conversations that your children are likely to pick up on.

Lots of people thought it was wrong of us to tell the children about it but I was influenced by the fact that a friend's father had committed suicide when she was 9 and her mother had never told her and she had only found out from people at school when she was a teenager. She's never got over the fact that other people knew more about it than she did and when her own daughter's father died in a road accident when her daughter was 4, she told her daughter all the details about it so she could be sure that there was nothing anyone else could tell her that she didn't already know.

It's a very personal decision but my 6 year old definitely knew there was something unusual about FIL's death. H's cousin didn't tell her children how he'd died even though they were 12 at the time (they live in America so we rarely see them and the children didn't come to the funeral but they had known FIL quite well). When we saw her children about a year after he'd died they asked me to tell them exactly how he'd died, they knew there was something different about it. It was awful as I didn't feel it was my place to tell them so I just had to say to ask their mother.

H didn't know how to feel at the time. He didn't cry until he went to FIL's house which had been the family home until he was 9. When he did cry he was crying for the sad child he'd been rather than for his father. H had sent his father pictures of the children when they'd been born and he had printed them out and stuck them on the walls in his house so we told the children this was proof he was very proud of them and loved them even though he hadn't met them. They seemed to find this reassuring. I felt quite guilty that he'd never met them but he'd never asked to and H is very good at remembering how he really was and that he would never have been a good grandfather.

It's so very sad and shocking and I really feel for you. xxx

Here is some advice on how to support children.

Sorry, I should have said "how to support children affected by suicide"

Second what Rose radish says.

You may find your children take the news quite matter of factly, particularly the little ones. Then in the weeks/months to come will ask questions totally out of the blue, such as, can we go and see her in heaven/can she come back for a little holiday, was she nice etc etc.
Could be absolutely anything and usually very sweet in my experience.

All the best x

PS. Glad you carried on with the sleepovers :-)

Thank you for all your support
And thank you pacificdogwood for the link. I shall be as honest as possible though it is a very scary though and not something I am looking forward too.

Well I told them and it was so strange. The youngest 3 took it pretty well but my DD (11) is finding it so hard.
She was and still is very upset and I had to go and get her early from school today because someone asked about it and she got angry and upset which is so unlike her.

Aw, poor her .
Grief in children can come and go and come again v abruptly.
She might seem totally find one minute and distraught the next, or angry, or confused. Just be there for her.
Hope you are ok

I feel so bad for her she seems so young to have to deal with this.

It's not fair, that's true

Hope you're coping as well as can be expected.x