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Original poster

my mum is dead and I can't think straight

63 replies

Bigmrsdragon · 25/04/2014 20:21

My mum committed suicide yesterday but no-one found her till this afternoon my DB had a call from the police and then he called me.

I don't know what to think, she was a poor mother at best. She favoured my older brother and spoilt him rotten whilst me and my younger DB were ignored or screamed at. Then my brother had a son who he neglected so I adopted him and my mum was so angry with me and me and my younger DB cut contact.
Until my brother died and she was left alone and we all rallied around her and took care of her and she warmed to us all again and we payed for her to have therapy and she seemed okay until Christmas when she ripped a picture that my DS gave her right in front of him because he didn't say thank you. My DCs and my younger DBs kids haven't seen her since. Apparently she has wrote me and my DB a letter each but the police still have it and I don't know when I will get it.

I don't know what to think I haven't told the DCs and DH is in work because he has to go in until they find someone to cover for him. My DCs are in bed and they are having sleepovers tomorrow and they were so excited and now I will have to tell them my mum died and I don't really know how because she was rubbish when it came to emotions and we were just told to suck it up.

I feel very wired, I was set to keep my distance from her and never letting her see my DCs again and now she is gone and I feel a bit empty about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigmrsdragon · 25/04/2014 21:50

I know I need to postpone the sleepovers but it just feels like another thing their nanna has taken from them.
DH is stuck in traffic Sad

OP posts:
JugglingFromHereToThere · 25/04/2014 21:53

You're just postponing them though - they can still happen, just not right now?

Original poster
Bigmrsdragon · 25/04/2014 21:58

Yes I guess they can happen again but they will be disappointed all the same.

OP posts:
ForgiveMeFather · 25/04/2014 22:08

I'm so sorry OP - you must be feeling a raft of emotions right now Sad

You know what I think? If you feel you can cope with the sleepover still then go for it. Do something loving for your children in defiance of the fact that your mum never did this for you.

Sorry - that is probably crappy advice but basically what I wanted to say is that grief has no rules as such and if seeing your DC's happy this weekend bring comfort to you then do it Smile

deste · 25/04/2014 22:31

If you cancel the sleepovers you still letting her have control. Something she did all of your life.

Sparrowlegs248 · 25/04/2014 22:51

I'm sorry to read of all you have been going through. I hope your DH gets home to you soon.

If you feel you can cope with the sleepovers then go ahead with them. They may keep you busy in mind and body which could be a good thing. And give your DC to focus on.

I have never personally experienced the suicide of a family member. It sometimes strikes me as the final act of control/selfishness. Not in all cases by any means.

You mention you paid for therapy for your mum. Have you thought of some counselling for you? To help you talk through your feelings and hopefully make your peace with them?

FolkGirl · 26/04/2014 08:13

dragon I just wanted to add a not to this that don't feel bad/guilty if you don't grieve in the way you feel you should.

I had a 'difficult' upbringing. I have often said that I'd only be free of it/them when my parents died. My dad died 18 month ago. I was sad at the time because it's always sad when a person's life ends (I get emotional seeing complete strangers' funeral processions) but I sat at my dad's funeral feeling nothing but relief and a detached strangeness that the eulogy was talking about someone I didn't know. Largely because he remarried and had another family and my brother and I were only mentioned briefly in the same sentence that said he'd been married to my mother for 20+ years before divorcing and had had 2 children.

It had got better in later years, but the damage was still done. I've not visited his grave, and I won't. I sometimes feel bad that I feel this way, but he got the family and created the memories that he chose to make.

I don't want to talk about me, I just want to tell you that whatever emotion you are feeling now in response to this is fine and the right emotion for you to feel.

Itsfab · 26/04/2014 08:19

I am so sorry for your loss. Whether she was a good mum or not she was your mum and of course you will have mixed feelings. Do you have to tell your children she has died right at the moment? Could you wait a few days? Is the biological father of your adopted son that has already died?

I will be thinking of you Flowers.

Itsfab · 26/04/2014 08:23

I have read your further posts now. The death and your mum and the sleepovers are kind of linked as the latter wouldn't be cancelled without the former happening, maybe tell your children you have had sad news so you will need to postpone them? Or tell the children what has happened and what would they prefer to do. Depends how old they are so as to not put too much on them. If you explain that mummy isn't going to be as she normally is would they rather wait until everything feels a bit more normal. I am really struggling to explain what I mean. I truly hope I haven't offended you.

Take care.

Yetanotherbloodynamechange · 26/04/2014 08:26

I too have often wondered how I would feel when my mother died. We have had a poor relationship since she walked out on me as a child. I always felt I wouldn't feel anything as we haven't had that special mother daughter bond.

Five weeks ago today her daughter, my half sister died. I have never felt any compassion for my mother in my life until this happened. It is surely the worst thing any parent can go through. This has made me reconsider how I would feel about her own death, as if I care that she is hurting now surely I would care if she was gone?

Relationships are a strange thing.

I had to name change for this for fear of outing myself.

My thoughts are with you op.

Original poster
Bigmrsdragon · 26/04/2014 10:30

itsfab of course you haven't offended me. I see what your saying and I think my DCs are a bit young to have to make a decision.
The biological father of my adopted DS is my older brother who has already died.

DH came home and we talked about the sleepovers and we slept on it and I want them to go ahead. DH will be here and I know the DCs who are coming (my God son and my DCs best friends who have been for sleepovers before) so it should be okay.
I will tell them on Sunday when I will know more as well in case they ask questions. We have arranged for all the sleepover kids to be picked up before lunch so we can tell the my DCs after lunch.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigmrsdragon · 26/04/2014 10:31

Oh and thank you all for your support.

OP posts:
neiljames77 · 26/04/2014 10:37

I'll echo what others have said. I think you're grieving for what you could and should have had.

FoxInTheDesert · 26/04/2014 10:39

Dear OP, I know what you are going through. As much a the relationship wasn't good, she was still your mom with all the mistakes she has made. But it seems she was not well, someone who is mentally stable does not commit suicide.

I lost my mom to suicide 6 months ago, and it still seems surreal at times. Please feel free to inbox me if you feel like talking.

XXX

RoseRadish · 26/04/2014 10:44

So sorry about what you're going through Dragon. I'm glad the sleepovers are going ahead, let DH take the strain and look after yourself kindly.

I am worried about how I might feel if/when my mum dies because of similar feelings. It must be very difficult.

She is at peace now, and I hope that means, once the dust settles and you process your feelings, you can be too.

peanutbutterandbanana · 26/04/2014 14:37

Big hugs from here too.... I can't begin to think how you must feel and how the next few months are going to be for you. I can only offer the thought that your mum must have been seriously ill for her to do this and she had to end it to give herself some peace, so she is now where she wants to be. I am slightly anxious about the letters she has written you and DB. I do hope that they allow you some kind of closure rather than end up causing more hurt.

Do think about getting some professional counselling at some point when you have had some time to think. Your GP will help.

hugs

Itsfab · 26/04/2014 17:29

I am glad I didn't offend you and I really hope you are all able to enjoy the sleep over.

I was thinking today about how I would feel when my mother dies and it is all tied up with my MIL as I expect she will be the one to tell me. I will never speak to her again if that is the case and she was in touch with her all these years after badly betraying me and putting my kids are risk.

PacificDogwood · 26/04/2014 17:38

Ah, you poor thing, I am so sorry you are having to deal with not just your mother's death, but also how she died.

You are being very strong and a Very Good Mother for letting the sleepovers going ahead (pardon my grammar Hmm).
Whatever you are feeling right now is what you are needing to feel and that may not always be logical or rational. You may grieve the mother you never had and be angry at her for dying by her own hand. You might feel guilty, you might feel v sad. Or a combination of all of those and many other emotions I cannot think of just now and you can swing back and forth between them all.

Be very gentle with yourself.

When the time is right, there are support groups for people having suffered a loss by suicide or violent death - this might be helpful in the future?
Thanks

aprilanne · 26/04/2014 17:46

i am so sorry for your loss .i lost my own mother last year .she was 62 no health problems .but suddenly took a heartattack .it is not easy and if your relationship strained this will add another dimension .as for the children they will lead you probably my own 3 ds were teenagers .and we just all cried together and spoke and done practical things .but my children adored my mum and she them ..all you can do is take comfort in your own family especially your wonderfull children .i know thats what got me through .just remember she may have been not the greatest mother .but you hopefully have lots of love

Infernal · 26/04/2014 18:08

to lose your Mum is just awful, in such a way is worse. Try not to beat yourself up about your relationship with her, her suicide was perhaps her unhappiness at her relationships. I feel so sorry about your loss, but you have a family who loves you, they need you, love and protect them as only you know how.

Custardo · 26/04/2014 18:13

it sounds like your mum had a mental illness.

my mum had a mental illness and throughout my teenage and adult life, she was a pretty poor person to be around.

when she died, she was alone and i found her three weeks later, it wasn't pretty.

i was so fucking angry, and i still am. but i was sad, very sad. and shocked. literally in shock.

so sorry for your loss, the moral of my story is, you can have a rubbish parent and still mourn their death
xxx

Original poster
Bigmrsdragon · 26/04/2014 19:37

I have seen my younger DB and we have talked about where to go from here.
The sleepovers are going great and they are a great distraction (never thought I would say that about 8 kids in the house)
It's been a busy day and I have the letter my mum wrote to me but I haven't read it yet mostly because of the kids being here and I am worried about what she will have said.

DH has taken 6 of them out for football and is bringing back sweets Grin
I have DD and her friend here watching tv with me.

I was wondering if anyone has any ideas on how to tell my DCs. They are between 5 and 11.

OP posts:
RoseRadish · 26/04/2014 19:40

I think it's OK to tell them straight that she has died, everyone is very sad, there will be a funeral etc (if that affects them) and you might be upset for a while. And they can talk about how they feel too and so on. You don't have to say how it happened, if pressed you can say she was found in her home. It's something that can come up later if necessary.

RoseRadish · 26/04/2014 19:42

I think you are doing great btw and doing the right thing to let them enjoy their weekend.

RoseRadish · 26/04/2014 19:43

Oh and (sorry!) if it comes up about the thing she did to your DS, I'd let him/them talk about that freely too. They don't have to think well of her because she died. Just go with the flow.

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