Friends put me in difficult position

[JokersGiggle]

Sorry for the long post.......
A couple of months ago my best friend told me she was cheating on her husband. I told her if she wanted someone new then to leave her husband but don't cheat. She decided that she loves her dh so she ended it with the (really hot) other man.
She's been having trouble getting pregnant and each time lost the baby at about 8 Weeks.
She's just told me that after leaving the other man they had one more "session" and she's now 11 Weeks pregnant. It's defiantly the other guys. She plans to keep her dh away from the 12 week scan as apparently they'll know conception dates. But she has told them the last date her and her dh were together.
Her dh hasn't got a clue she was cheating!
my dp is best friends with her dh! I see him a couple of times a week. What do I do? She has no intentions of saying anything about what she did or the baby. The other guy lives in the area too and is a lovely guy, what if he sees her walking about with a bump?
How I handle this could effect my relationship too - if I keep her secret and she later confesses i'm the bad one for condoning it! But if I say something it's ripping a family apart her dh is so excited. But I can't see how she can keep it a secret - won't it show in scans that her dates are off by just over 3 Weeks?
She's now taking about making me the God mother! seeing her pregnant is hard enough, I've had 4 MC and am also pregnant (7 Weeks) but feel like I'll loose this one too.
I don't want to loose her, i'm happy she's having a baby, she'll make a great mother, but I don't want to be in the middle of her mess!
She just says she's thinking of it as sperm donation and it's her dh baby really....her Dh wont see it that way though!
Do I say anything? Keep her secret? Move far away from her and pretend I know nothing?!

She just says she's thinking of it as sperm donation and it's her dh baby really

And it could have been just like that - had she discussed it with her DH and got a sperm donor. But she didn't.

Conceiving via an as-yet-undiscovered affair while the actual father lives in the same town is a disaster waiting to happen, and doesn't paint her at all as a good mother because she is lying not just to her DH but also to her child about a matter as important as that child's parentage. That could have repercussions for the baby's health as well as emotional effects.

I believe children grow in the heart, not the womb, and that the bond between adopted children and parent is just as strong as biological parent and child. But that isn't what's happening here. This is trying to build a family on a foundation of lies. And as long as the foundations are secret like this, it will never be stable. The truth might not come out for another 20 or 30 years (though likely to be sooner), in which case the pain will be even more immense.

I would do my utmost to convince her to come clean.

I'm trying really hard to convince her, for the sake of her wonderful baby to tell the truth. But if she won't what do I do? Tell the truth for her? Go to the other guy and tell him and wait for him to spill the beans?
Might write him a letter, he doesn't know me but I know his address, tell him anonymously? But she'll know it's me who's told him.
I agree that the truth will come out, most likely accidentally, and it will hurt, but sooner is better then later.
But what do I do?!!!

I'm.kinda reconsidering my friendship with her. I never thought she'd behave like this. everyone makes mistakes I'm not angry at that. In angry at having one last "session" knowing she had already ended it and the lying about the baby.

TBH I think distancing yourself from her as a friend is your only option here if she won't be honest. I don't think outing her will end well for you, you are right she has put you in a terrible position. I would not lie to dp for her, although I probably wouldn't bring it up either.

I suppose it depends what you value most - your integrity or your friendship. I would tell it to her straight and explain, with regret, you cannot be godmother under these circumstances.

Distance distance distance.

Tell her why. So sorry op

You don't need the extra stress.

I think you need to distance yourself.

The less you know, the less you can let slip. I wouldn't say anything to anyone, but I wouldn't wan't to become anymore involved either.

Politely decline being Godmother.

I think I would probably take the "you tell him or I will" approach and be prepared for your friendship to be over with terms like "betrayal of friendship" "break my confidence" being thrown about. I'm sorry you've been sucked into it, but TBH you might have a lucky escape.

The fact that she thought she could even keep this secret doesn't paint her in a good light even taking the moral issue out of it. At least one other person could suspect (the OM), she actively told someone else (two people can keep a secret if one of them is dead and all that), and her unborn child will be the living time bomb that could expose the lie at any moment. It could be something as simple as his eyes being the wrong colour and her DH noticing or her child having his blood tested following an accident, routine investigation or even just signing up to donate blood. Someone who is that naive and has put so little thought into keeping the secret is someone who clearly hasn't thought hard enough about what this could do to her DH let alone her unborn child. Therefore she is the last person to be trying to carry out this sort of subterfuge.

You definitely don't need the extra stress what with your own pregnancy and trying to stay calm and healthy for that.

Talk to her one last time, try to get her to see sense, and then I agree with others - distance yourself, as much and as quickly as you can.

It is a real eye-opener when so-called friends act in ways completely foreign to our own understanding of the world.

I take the view that if someone asks me to actively participate in deception then I refuse, but if they've trusted me with some private information then I'm happy to keep the secret for them.

If you are struggling with this OP - and your response, if you'll pardon the observation, sounds particularly hysterical - then you should take a very big step backwards and exclude yourself from this person's life. Because, at some point, you're going to blab.... and that's going to do no-one any favours.

The problem I have is that my dp has been mates with her dh since school. Part of me worries that if I don't tell and it's found out then my dp will also be hurt. I love him and I'm part of the mess that will hurt his best mate.
I've declined being God mother, it really hurt but your all right - distance is best.
She kept quiet for so long in case she lost it. But I can't help her lie.
We used to be so close, I'll miss her but I need to stay away (I hope it's the best move).
Don't think my hormones are helping lol.
but when her dh comes over to chill out with dp how so I explain me not going around to him? He'll notice. And what about dinners? they come over for dinner every other Saturday!

This is why I think you need to blow it out into the open by forcing her to tell her DH herself (if you're convincing enough you won't have to do anything at all).

Your friend created this situation. I'm all for keeping confidences - in fact I am excellent at it and pride myself on my discretion - but this has gone beyond that point. If your families are so intertwined, you are actively complicit in her deception if you say nothing.

It's a really shitty and horrible situation that is going to make you feel like crap no matter what you do, and for that I'm sorry. I think the best thing to do is whatever helps you to deal with this situation because you should be prioritising yourself, your baby and your own relationship over your friend's. If that means telling your DH, tell him. Your friend lost the right to tell you how to behave the minute she involved you in a lie that has repercussions for your own life.

At the end of the day it is her life and her mess. I would stay well away from saying anything. No one will thank you for saying anything and spilling the beans will end all sorts of friendships and relationships. She has told you a secret, rightly or wrongly, and as such keep schtum.

does she know you are pregnant? The dinners can be cancelled with you not feeling up to it - tough early stages of pregnancy and all that. You can start distancing yourself and leave it to them.

For your DP you could say she's been a bit hard work and you're just going to distance yourself for a bit.

TBH, if her DH isn't suspicious now, that suggests they were having regular unprotected sex enough for him to think it could be his. It either could well be, or when she finally has to say what the due date is, he'll work it out.

A lot of people aren't really fathered by the men who raised them, it's not that uncommon and most don't find out. If you are the only other person she's told and she does keep it a secret, then her DH might never know the truth.

Of course it does sound like she's only staying with her DH because she's pregnant, hten the marriage won't last long anyway.

And the OM is not a 'lovely guy' he was shagging a married woman without using condoms, he's a stanky selfish bloke who had an affair, she ended it and he kept after her enough for another 1 night stand. Would he still be sleeping with her if she'd be up for it? Do you really think he'd care that the baby was his?

Don't tell, it's not fair on the child or the husband. It's not fair of her to lie to them, but it's not fair for you to say their family is a sham. You wanting to cut ties with her is fine, you ruining a child's life and someone else's marriage isn't. She was wrong to tell you, it was wrong to burden anyone with this secret. But don't take it out on innocent people.

I would tell her it is affecting your friendship with her and you can't be around her and her dh knowing this.

Could you tell your dh that you are distancing yourself but not tell him why.

You need to do what is best for you and not stress about other people and their problems.

Tell your DP or the deception will poison your primary relationship at a time when it needs to be at its strongest. Then it's up to him whether to tell the DH.

Tbh the other guy doesn't sound very lovely at all, and yes he will obviously realise the child is his. Your friend is a total bitch to (a) do this, and (b) drag you into her deception.

If you are the DP and DH are best friends, then it's best you tell your DH.
The other DP won't expect you to spill the beans, but keeping it from your DH might cause unnecessary problems between the two of you.

You need to tell your DP - the stress of worrying about your friends is one thing, but you shouldn't have to deal with the stress of keeping it from your DP and worrying what he will say when he finds out you hid it from him. You really don't need that worry while you're pregnant.

I have willingly kept friends' secrets from my DH but would never do this where it might have consequences for my own relationship.

Also I think if you tell your DP you have someone to help you decide how to handle it who knows them too - together you can decide whether you become more distant or whether you tell her DH which again makes the burden easier for you to handle.

At the moment you risk being seen as the bad person in all this when it becomes public (and it will), which you do not deserve at all.

She sounds thoroughly without morals - ongoing affair, purposefully getting pregnant by OM, denying her child the right to know its father, denying two men the truth, and trying to make you keep secrets from your DP. You owe her nothing.

Put your relationship and pregnancy ahead of everyone else and tell your DP now.

Good luck x

The om is a nice guy, I've met him at the gym a few times. And from what she has told me she gave him the impression the marriage was over, or was at least was vague about it. She regularly takes her wedding ring off so I can believe that he didn't know she was still married. I agree with the condom comment but I think she's capable of lying about being on the pill. She wanted a baby and part of me thinks she planned to get pregnant by him. I know her dh wanted to stop trying for a bit but she wanted to carry on.
Just don't understand her anymore.
I'll think about telling my dp tonight.

Thanks evertonmint I'll tell my dp tonight x

I think I would have to distance myself for a bit.
it's an unfair position to be put in.

I think you should tell your DH and then the two of you can decide together how best to proceed. It isn't going to be possible to distance yourself from her without explaining what is going on to your DP and creating difficulties of your own.
It's going to be shitty for your DH knowing this, but think how much worse he would feel if he found out you had prioritised her secret over a truthful exchange between the two of you. It's up to him then if he feels that he wants to tell his friend what he has heard, or not, but at least you can be comfortable when the chap is around, knowing that you and DH are agreed about how to handle things.

I think you need to step back if you feel this way . An old friend of mine did this. Her husband knew, he also wanted a child and as the problem was with him, he was ok with this. Are you absolutely sure you know the full story?

Imho, keep quiet. Forget she told you anything and play dumb and deny it if anyone ever suggests you knew. It is your word against hers whether you knew or not...so if it all blows up and she wants to deflect blame by pointing at you as being complicit: just refuse to participate in her drama. She sounds like a drama llama anyway with her lies and deceit.

This could be a lie she has told you. Rather a piece of bait to see if you will act on it or not. She has already proven her character is in the gutter, so I would not be surprised if she has set this up for entertainment at your expense.

Let her manipulate someone else for the information to be disclosed by a third person as she apparently does not have the courage and/or honesty to take responsibility for her actions and tell her dh herself.

Your friendship can shift to the polite and superficial, stop sharing things that are/should be personal and private. Start a hobby like cross stitch or knitting that you can do in her presence so you are not 100% engaged with her. This is to get to the point of being emotionally detached from her, but at the same time you are not being rude. She is nothing more to you now than some baggage that comes with your dh's friendship and you can be polite and civil (and maintain privacy) for him. You can tell your dh, if asked, that you and friend have grown apart and you just don't feel that close anymore, so that may be reason enough to skip a few dinners and certainly decline invitations to travel/recreate with them.

Her poor husband :( she has exposed him to possible stds too. You say she will make a good mother, I wouldn't think so! Was she so desperate to get pregnant that she had the affair?
I definitely think your distancing is for the best for you especially being pregnant yourself, you don't need that stress. Her husband will more than likely notice but if he asks you why you can refer him back to her. Does your own hubby know the full story?