Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Friends put me in difficult position

67 replies

JokersGiggle · 25/04/2014 14:37

Sorry for the long post.......
A couple of months ago my best friend told me she was cheating on her husband. I told her if she wanted someone new then to leave her husband but don't cheat. She decided that she loves her dh so she ended it with the (really hot) other man.
She's been having trouble getting pregnant and each time lost the baby at about 8 Weeks.
She's just told me that after leaving the other man they had one more "session" and she's now 11 Weeks pregnant. It's defiantly the other guys. She plans to keep her dh away from the 12 week scan as apparently they'll know conception dates. But she has told them the last date her and her dh were together.
Her dh hasn't got a clue she was cheating!
my dp is best friends with her dh! I see him a couple of times a week. What do I do? She has no intentions of saying anything about what she did or the baby. The other guy lives in the area too and is a lovely guy, what if he sees her walking about with a bump?
How I handle this could effect my relationship too - if I keep her secret and she later confesses i'm the bad one for condoning it! But if I say something it's ripping a family apart Sad her dh is so excited. But I can't see how she can keep it a secret - won't it show in scans that her dates are off by just over 3 Weeks?
She's now taking about making me the God mother! seeing her pregnant is hard enough, I've had 4 MC and am also pregnant (7 Weeks) but feel like I'll loose this one too.
I don't want to loose her, i'm happy she's having a baby, she'll make a great mother, but I don't want to be in the middle of her mess!
She just says she's thinking of it as sperm donation and it's her dh baby really....her Dh wont see it that way though!
Do I say anything? Keep her secret? Move far away from her and pretend I know nothing?!

OP posts:
miserablemaura · 25/04/2014 17:47

Keep quiet, keep out of it, keep away from her. Many, many babies are not actually the children of the men who think they are their fathers. Shhh. Don't tell.

Whocansay · 25/04/2014 18:05

Tell your dh. You have to, or he'll be wondering what's happened. When he inevitably finds out that you knew he'll be upset that you kept it from him.

You have to stay away from her. She's a train wreck waiting to happen and she'll drag you down with her. This will not end well.

HandbagCrazy · 25/04/2014 18:28

I have been in this situation (minus the pregnancy) and remember the uneasy feeling of not wanting to pass on anything I had been told in confidence, and the potential effects on my relationship and the lovely partner of the cheater (for the sake of this im going to call her Claire)

In the end, I told my dh and we agreed that I would tell Claire that I didnt feel comfortable keeping the secret and was going to tell my dh. As my dh and hers were such good friends, it was very likely my dh would tell hers so she had until the following evening to tell her dh.

Claire confessed to her dh, and as expected, he came straight to our house. I had already told my dh so he was prepared and he provided his friend with a lot of support. Claire never told her dh that I knew. THe only repurcussion for me was one awful conversation where she she told me her dh was heartbroken and it was my fault. I explained that I dont care what she thinks, I did what I needed to to ease my conscience and I dont feel bad for it. My DH told her she needed to accept all the consequences of her actions and stop bitching to me about it. She was so shocked that my DH knew she didnt say anything else.

As it is, they are trying to work things out. Its still hard for them I think. Dh still sees his friend but the couples get-togethers have eased off. Her DH thinks its because my DH doesnt like her now, knowing what she did. The truth of it is that I dont want to be around her because she's just not very nice.

I know people say to stay out of it but honestly, everyone in your situation are so close together its bound to come out, and you'll look and feel terrible for saying nothing. Either tell her you're going to tell your DH and give her a chance to confess, or tell your DH and let him help you decide what to do. Dont keep the secret though, it makes you complicit.

BigArea · 25/04/2014 18:42

Another vote for telling your DH for all the reasons stated upthread. I'd be inclined to tell her you've told him and why, at the same time telling her you're not going to spend time with her/them any more. Perhaps if she decides to come clean then you can move forward and resume your friendship

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 25/04/2014 19:02

I too agree you should tell your DH. At least that way he will understand why you are seeking distance.

gering · 25/04/2014 19:10

She is a loose canon, stay well clear of this situation. Break this friendship off because when this comes on top and it will you will be far away from the crime. Prisons are fall of people who thought they wouldn't get caught.

MaryWestmacott · 25/04/2014 19:50

Actually, agree you should tell your DP, if you haven't already. She's not just keeping secrets from her DH, she's trying to force a secret between you and your DP. She has no right to tell you you can't tell him.

Tell your DP and then work out together what you think would be best for his friend. Given that your friendship with her is pretty much over.

TheCraicDealer · 25/04/2014 20:16

It's doesn't sound like you're particularly close (the connection seems to be as a result of your partners being friends). It's odd then that she's chosen you to offload this information to; I doubt you're the only one who knows about this. Which supports PP's sentiments about her being a loose cannon and/or unhinged. Seems completely idiotic telling anyone this, never mind your DH's best mate's wife! I'd put money on her being a bit of a drama llama in general.

Tell DH and distance yourself. Let your partner decide if his friend would want to know. It'll be tough, but it'll be easier to move on from a dream of a future you've had for eleven weeks rather than a living, breathing child you've been raising for the past x years.

Purpleroxy · 25/04/2014 20:25

You need to tell your dp otherwise you risk destroying your own relationship. How would he feel if it all came out and he then found out you had been keeping this awful secret from him? It would be different if your dp wasn't best mates with her dh. It is then be up to your dp whether to say anything to his friend. In my personal opinion, it would be better from her husbands pov to know before the baby is born that it isn't his. It would be awful for him to bring up and bond with the baby and then to find it's not his. Even worse, if they got divorced, he could then not have any access rights as it's not his child!

Walkacrossthesand · 25/04/2014 21:06

What miserable said. Did you know that genetic studies show that something like 30% of children don't have the father that their father thinks they have? So that's a lot of women holding to themselves a big secret. Your friend told you, and you can't 'unhear' the words (particularly given that you are no stranger to pregnancy difficulties yourself) but I would put the knowledge in a strong iron box, lock it and throw away the key. No good will come of any other route.

BarbarianMum · 25/04/2014 21:18

In this situation I would also tell my husband. If he didn't want to tell his friend I'd respect that, but then at least he'd know why I felt I had to distance myself.

Walkacrossthesand what studies? 5% is the figure I've heard quoted. There are strong evolutionary reasons why 30% is very unlikely.

flippyflapper · 25/04/2014 21:19

this happened to my sister! !

her vwry goos friend and dh has been trying for a baby. turned out her dh had little If any sperm count!

she started an affair. fell pregnant told her dh she ordered sperm off the iternet! !

obviously he wasn't an idiot!

but my sister got alot of grief for it her dh rang her all the time, blaming her saying ahe made him look like a idiot etc . etc.

was not a nice time. the friendship completely ended.

she ended up alone and a single mither neither dh or other man wanted too know!

very difficult position but definitely do not keep it from your dh. off load on to him see if he can help.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 25/04/2014 21:23

Yes to telling your DH. If you as a couple spend time with them as a couple, you need to both be in the loop. It would be different if it were just an acquaintace or colleague.

He may decide he has to tell her OH. A good friend would, tbh.

Whatever this situation is, and whatever the conclusion is, it is entirely a product of her own creation, so please do not feel bad at involving your DH.

BrianTheMole · 25/04/2014 21:24

I don't think you should tell, but its unfair of her to have burdened you with her secret. She should have kept it to herself if this is the road she's going to take. I would tell her you're in an awkward position now, and unless she comes clean you're going to have to distance yourself from her.

Walkacrossthesand · 25/04/2014 21:30

Barbarian, I've seen 30% quoted several times, haven't seen the original studies, sorry. I guess there have been studies which find 5% and studies which find 30% (depending on population, study size etc I guess) - but that's between 1:3 and 1:20 so not insignificant either way.

Walkacrossthesand · 25/04/2014 21:37

Barbarian, I've seen 30% quoted several times, haven't seen the original studies, sorry. I guess there have been studies which find 5% and studies which find 30% (depending on population, study size etc I guess) - but that's between 1:3 and 1:20 so not insignificant either way.

JokersGiggle · 25/04/2014 21:45

I've told my dp. And he wasn't surprised Confused apparently he's never liked her.
So he called her dh to come over and he told him what I know. her dh included me in the conversation. apparently the om is her 7th lover that he knows of! She leaves her wedding ring at home when she travels for work.
She's also never been pregnant or suffered a MC.
We were close! She called me in tears in the middle of the night saying she was going through a MC.
He's also convinced she had her "lady time" last week.
according to her dh she is a compulsive liar, he thought I knew. He is staying with her as they are Catholic and divorce isn't an option.
he uses a condom each time. But lately she's been "baby crazy" , but her being "baby crazy" fits the time I told her I was pregnant Sad and her MCs were only Weeks after mine. I got through the trauma of mine then re lived it with her "MC". It appears she mimics me (her dh words not mine).
He's gone home to find out if she is pregnant but he highly doubts it.
My friend was an illusion. I didn't think she was perfect. But I never thought she was lying about anything. Her emotions were so real. She cried over her "lost" baby that never existed!
Feel so betrayed. I agonised over keeping her secret which is most likely not even true Sad Sad Sad
We were close cos of the pregnancy troubles we both had. But she never had them. Why was she even my friend? Was I a weak person who would believe her lies when no one else would?
Feel so sorry for her but really angry at the same time.

OP posts:
JokersGiggle · 25/04/2014 21:50

She faked morning sickiness!
And used to say her dh was do upset over the MCs could I not mention them around him. I thought she was being sensitive about his feelings!

OP posts:
ThinkIveBeenHacked · 25/04/2014 21:53

Well frankly this is going to make it even easier to distance yourself from her. And at least there is no baby thrown into the mix.

Odd that contraception is used but divorce isnt - isnt that just cherry picking the bits of religion?

JokersGiggle · 25/04/2014 21:56

Just had a text from her dh. She's not pregnant but did sleep with the om.
Great my "friend" is a liar and a cheat.

OP posts:
JokersGiggle · 25/04/2014 21:59

The last pope said you can use the barrier method if having a child would be detrimental to family life.

OP posts:
JokersGiggle · 25/04/2014 22:00

Sorry think just realised that sound snappy, didn't mean it to Thanks

OP posts:
ThinkIveBeenHacked · 25/04/2014 22:02

Ah ok. I didnt read it as snappy dont worry. I genuinely didnt know.

littlegreengloworm · 25/04/2014 22:04

What a weirdo. Last you are not carrying any guilt. The days of Catholics not divorcing are long gone too.

Purpleroxy · 25/04/2014 22:06

Shitting hell. Keep your distance from this woman.