Ex always comes before me, stonewalling, I know what I should do but....

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Been with my bf for just over a year. He was so attentive at the start, he really wooed me,flowers, thoughtful little gifts, lovely texts, a complete contrast to my exes who were all selfish abusive bastards one way or another.

I really really liked him, sex was amazing, I felt really cared for, and well, cherished.

He has lots of imput into his kids, every day, which is great. But it is at his exs beck and call so she can go out, or do what she likes without kids. His choice. But often it would involve him leaving mine at 6 in the morning to do a small thing she could've done in 5 minutes, for example. We couldn't really make plans as he'd always have to be doing things for her at random times of the day. He wouldn't go on holiday with me, said his ex wouldn't like that, and all hell broke loose when we had a few days away, with him receiving constant shitty texts from her to spoil it.

I have met his kids once in all this time. She wouldn't allow it, but he didn't push it, He admits he bends over backwards to appease her moods, he says, and does everything possible to keep her happy, including household chores, driving her hundreds of miles for a holiday, and more. She had a boyfriend, by the way.

It pissed me off, made me feel like the other woman, and inferior. I thought it would get better and he would stop being quite so under the thumb but he hasn't. He is very very passive.

I went away so hadn't seen him for a week. He was due to come to mine and I asked if he was staying the night. He said she needed him at 9 the next morning, which would have been another 6 am departure from my place. I was really upset, he'd spent most of the time I was away looking after his kids, I didn't think I was unreasonable in asking him to spend the next day with me as we hadn't met up for over a week by then. He ignored my text for a day, then accused me of bitching??

This was Sunday, and I've had no contact from him since, stonewalling again. It's absolute torture, and he knows this. He's done it to me 4 times before, all for periods of about 2 weeks. I normally text him loads to bring him round, but this time I haven't. He said he knows it upsets me, he does it to test me to see how much I like him (wtaf?)and that he doesn't read the texts I send after a while anyway.

He did it over Christmas about a text I sent him, he did it over Valentine's day, he did it about a day out when he ignored me all day and I lost my temper, he did it when I wanted him to meet some of my family.

There is no chance of going on holiday, little chance of a few days away and even a normal thing like getting our kids together for a day out is not on, as his ex won't allow it and he is reluctant to ask.

O this is so bad, seeing it all typed out. He clearly doesn't
give a shit about me does he? He's always happy to see me, makes the effort to come to mine, nice days out doing stuff we both enjoy, very affectionate, but always on his terms time wise and everything has to be run past his ex in case she needs him first.

I've sent him a text asking if he wants the relationship to be over...no answer. I've got lots of his stuff here. I've been here 4 times before and we've always got back together, but nothing changes.

I know what I should do but feel so alone and pathetic. I'm late 40's and felt so happy and secure with him in the beginning...sorry this is such a ramble, please give me some backbone everyone.....

I would suggest you stop asking if he wants the relationship to be over and tell him it is. Take control and leave this abusive man - because he is abusing your kindness and trust and treating you badly. You deserve far more out of a relationship.

I'm sorry you're so low down in his priorities and treated so casually. Sounds like he liked the idea of being in a new relationship but didn't really think through how to achieve a balance in practice. Rather than asking if he wants things to be over you should probably bite the bullet and tell him that you want it to be over. Don't let fear of loneliness keep you from rejecting this behaviour

No way would I stay with him.

It wasn't sounding good in the beginning part of your post, and then you added this:

I normally text him loads to bring him round, but this time I haven't. He said he knows it upsets me, he does it to test me to see how much I like him (wtaf?)and that he doesn't read the texts I send after a while anyway.

Holy. Shit. Why would you disrespect yourself enough to do that? And why, given he ought to be trying to make up to you for the fact he lets his ex call all the shots, would he try and test YOU?!

Don't text him - he's told you he doesn't read them. If you want to end the relationship and you think he won't answer the phone, bag up his shit and dump it outside his house.

He does not love you. He doesn't even appear to like you, or respect you. Would he treat a friend this shoddily?

Are you absolutely certain she is an ex? Either way, box his stuff and ship him the hell out of your life. He confused you by being less overtly a 'selfish, abusive bastard' than your other exes, but he is cut from the same cloth. I would spend some time alone and work on your self-esteem so you find it easier to spot these losers in future. It's completely understandable that you were taken in but you deserve better than this.

Cog that's how I see it too, he once said I need more time than he can give me. But i explained that it's not time, I have a full life, and like my own company. It's consideration, not being fitted in after he has run around after his ex first. It's putting our relationship as a priority sometimes. Not too much to ask for really.

Doc, I know, I know what I should do, it's just so hard when i think of all the good times....

Do the good times make the bad times acceptable? When he's busy running after his ex, are you sitting there thinking "oh well, we had a nice time three weeks ago". When he is stonewalling you, do you think "that's ok, we talked last week".

It is possible to have good times yet still need to end the relationship. You need to have a relationship where you don't have to look for the good parts to justify staying through bad parts.

The good times you have are entirely dependent on his ex not needing him for anything, and him choosing not to punish you with silence.

Oh that paragraph about ignoring your texts and 'testing' you jumped out at me too, how heartless!

You must take control of this situation and finish it before his total disregard for you whittles away your self-esteem. I really don't see him changing & you deserve a lot better than this.

I would suggest you stop asking if he wants the relationship to be over and tell him it is. Take control and leave this abusive man - because he is abusing your kindness and trust and treating you badly. You deserve far more out of a relationship.

This! ^

You have absolutely no future with this man, stonewalling, ignore.

"Test you" what kind of bullshit is that.

Cut him lose.

Do you really wanna spend you life being dictated too by this idiot and his piss taking ex?

Take the power back and finish him. He's a muppet and you know it! Better to be lonely cos you're single than lonely cos your boyfriend's a dick.

You will feel better, honest. And clean break. Good luck x

Sorry I've not read the thread just the opening post, just ask him when he's ready to be in a relationship with just you and not his ex as well, then maybe you can sort something out, you really are second best in this relationship, which is OK if you put your kids first but not if you put your ex first!

Going to read thread now!

Thanks for your comments, you've confirmed what I know is true, and yes Doc you have summed it up well. I am just picking up his crumbs really.

When I came back from holiday last year he met me at the airport, a lovely gesture, but the next morning he got up at 6 am to go to hers as she wanted to go shopping! Not once, but 3 mornings in a row! He just doesn't see there is anything wrong with this? I genuinely thought it would improve as we got closer, but it simply hasn't.

Babblehag, I've said almost those exact words to him about 4 months in, and many many times since,but i didn't follow it through as I thought just pointing out the unjustness of things would improve it, then I coasted, hoping. More fool me really.

When you finish with him don't get embroiled, keep it simple and short - on the phone could be good.
I bet he'll promise to change, you know he won't so disengage! Then come and vent on here, but don't compromise your dignity for this man ever again.
And think of all the stuff you can do now you're not waiting for him to grace you with his presence!

His stuff - courier? Or get one of your friends to hand it over. Don't put yourself through that 'one last time' crap.

I am guessing she left him, and it seems that he isn't ready to accept the relationship is over, and she has it just perfect so no reason for her to make any changes.

He is still with her,not you, leave him.

Tribpot, you are right. In the beginning he used to say I'll make it up to you, and he sort of did, but latterly he doesn't even say it, just stonewalls me for daring to be pissed off about it. My fault for being too easy going about it I think, he started walking all over me.

A few of my friends have questioned whether she is an ex, it just seems so extreme to be totally at her beck and call all the time. I can't work out why he puts her life as priority over his?

I experienced similar with my stbXH.

In fairness to him, he loved his DCs and did not want to cause problems with their mother. He also had a lot of guilt over the divorce, both to DCs and to extended family. It was very hard for him to separate his mind from the fact that he had a new family and a new life. His personality was the type that avoided conflict and he frequently allowed his ex wife to come first (where she was tough and demanding, I was soft and yielding).

At the time, I let it pass. I let it pass because I knew he hated arguing with her, I knew he loved me more than he'd ever loved her and that we had a much happier marriage and I wanted to let him be himself.

With hindsight, while he loved me immensely, I have no doubt about that -he did not ever actually move on to seeing me as his "family" the way he did her. Maybe because she was the mother of his DCs. He still saw her parents as his in laws instead of mine. He could just not move on from the 15 years he spent with her. It wasn't about being in love with her still - he wasn't/ It was more like a familial attachment.

In the end, yes, despite being married and raising a family together my H did not see me as his true family. when the going got tough and he got severely depressed, he left me.

I don't think he left me because he didn't love me - I think he still does -I just think he never fully committed to me and the way he prioritised his ex wife and his ex in laws was very indicative of this.

Looking back, I wish I had walked out 5 years ago.

If he had worked to get me back / changed then our marriage would have been stronger. I would have been number 1 priority, his new family would have been the one he held loyal to and I think it would have been healthier all round.

If he hadn't fought to get me back, then that would have been all I needed to know really.

Clint, I don't even think he'll promise to change, he says it's for the kids, but clearly its's so she can do whatever she likes.

Scary, he'll never say why/how they split, just that it was both their decision, I don't believe that really. She's definitely got the best of it though, two men running round after her. I said to him once can you give me her number, I want to ask her how to get 2 men running round after me, because I can't even get one! Blank look was the reply.

I could have written that OP. I had the exact same thing with this bloke I dated for a couple of years on and off after the big break up with the fat fucker (another story).

Anyway, he was a lovely bloke, great dad, fun to be with, lovely to my kids, but at the beck and call of his ex missus and his two boys by that relationship. I didn't have an issue with him being such a good dad at all - saw it as a redeeming quality. His obligation was to his own kids not me or mine and I accepted that fully. He professed to hating his ex wife (who had had an affair and done a real stitch up on him financially in the divorce) but she only had to snap her fingers and he'd come running when it came to anything to do with the kids.

While I admired him for his dedication to them, it didn't stop me getting pissed off when we'd arranged to do something and then his phone would go - and it would be her demanding he go and look after the boys because she had to do some urgent work or some 'emergency' or other and our plans would go straight down the crapper.

I remember the first time we were supposed to go away for a romantic weekend together - we only stayed one night and had to go haring back at some ridiculous hour on the Saturday morning because his ex MIL had a cold and couldn't look after the kids while his ex went to the hairdressers or nail salon or something equally trivial. On that occasion I did let rip.

And I too got the stonewall treatment for about a week after that, and that was how it went from then on, until I caved in and made contact 'apologised' or whatever.

Last time it happened I got the usual stonewall treatment only that time I thought 'fuck it' and never contacted him either.

That was seven years ago. Haven't heard a word or clapped eyes on him since.

Minion, thanks for sharing, that's really sad, hope you are ok.

Fontella, very similar story. he said once that I undermine him because I get pissed off with her behaviour?? He could always say no, I'm living my life today, without being your skivvy? Why do you think they don't say no to the exs? Obviously doing stuff for the kids is how it should be, but he goes far above that.

I think your outcome will also be mine, sad to say.

I don't think she is his ex. Yes they both have someone else but for whatever reason they are still a couple in all practical terms. You want a relationship and he wants casual no strings fun, every time you over step his boundaries he shoves you firmly back into place.

You deserve someone who wants the same things from life as you do.

Well I can't speak for your fella but with mine I think it was that he'd kind of made a virtue of 'always being there for his boys'. He wanted to be seen as the good one (which he was) but he took it to extremes and she played it for all it was worth, and I think she got a lot of pleasure out of messing up his life - calling him up out of the blue saying one if the kids had an accident and she didn't know if he should be checked out at A&E - so he'd go charging over there - and it turned out the kids had a grazed knee. Shit like that.

Mine knew he was being played, but it was all about 'his boys' and she'd word it so that 'the kid has an had accident and he's crying for daddy' - she'd put an emotional overtone to it, so although he hated her, he was still being manipulated emotionally in regard to his kids.

And he genuinely did hate her I know that for a fact. There wasn't any lingering love or wanting to get back with her or any of that. Occasionally we'd go and watch one of his boys playing football and sometimes she'd roll up. The look that came over his face was one of pure hatred, he wouldn't even look in her direction. But when it came to the kids he'd go running every single time.

When you get older - everyone you meet has got baggage. When I broke up with the fat fucker I dated several blokes and every one of them had ex wives/kids/and various issues and the only one that didn't (middle aged, 100% single, good looking, own gaff) turned out be a flamin' alcoholic!

That's when I decided it was the single life for me from then on .. and now I can't imagine ever having another relationship.

Good luck, and I hope it all works out for you!

Lunar you are right. I've always felt that, just pushed it to the back of my mind as I didn't want it to be true.

Fontella, exactly the same here. But he must be able to distinguish between what is stuff for the kids and what is her taking the piss? I suppose it goes back to what Lunar said.

I accept that everyone has 'baggage', good and bad, but his still in the present, and he wouldn't give his present with me a chance.

I don't want to be single, i want someone to care for, and someone to care for me. I thought it was him.

i want someone to care for

That can be yourself.

and someone to care for me

That can also be yourself.

Its better to be self reliant than wait for someone to realise you exist.