Ex always comes before me, stonewalling, I know what I should do but....

[bluewindow]

Been with my bf for just over a year. He was so attentive at the start, he really wooed me,flowers, thoughtful little gifts, lovely texts, a complete contrast to my exes who were all selfish abusive bastards one way or another.

I really really liked him, sex was amazing, I felt really cared for, and well, cherished.

He has lots of imput into his kids, every day, which is great. But it is at his exs beck and call so she can go out, or do what she likes without kids. His choice. But often it would involve him leaving mine at 6 in the morning to do a small thing she could've done in 5 minutes, for example. We couldn't really make plans as he'd always have to be doing things for her at random times of the day. He wouldn't go on holiday with me, said his ex wouldn't like that, and all hell broke loose when we had a few days away, with him receiving constant shitty texts from her to spoil it.

I have met his kids once in all this time. She wouldn't allow it, but he didn't push it, He admits he bends over backwards to appease her moods, he says, and does everything possible to keep her happy, including household chores, driving her hundreds of miles for a holiday, and more. She had a boyfriend, by the way.

It pissed me off, made me feel like the other woman, and inferior. I thought it would get better and he would stop being quite so under the thumb but he hasn't. He is very very passive.

I went away so hadn't seen him for a week. He was due to come to mine and I asked if he was staying the night. He said she needed him at 9 the next morning, which would have been another 6 am departure from my place. I was really upset, he'd spent most of the time I was away looking after his kids, I didn't think I was unreasonable in asking him to spend the next day with me as we hadn't met up for over a week by then. He ignored my text for a day, then accused me of bitching??

This was Sunday, and I've had no contact from him since, stonewalling again. It's absolute torture, and he knows this. He's done it to me 4 times before, all for periods of about 2 weeks. I normally text him loads to bring him round, but this time I haven't. He said he knows it upsets me, he does it to test me to see how much I like him (wtaf?)and that he doesn't read the texts I send after a while anyway.

He did it over Christmas about a text I sent him, he did it over Valentine's day, he did it about a day out when he ignored me all day and I lost my temper, he did it when I wanted him to meet some of my family.

There is no chance of going on holiday, little chance of a few days away and even a normal thing like getting our kids together for a day out is not on, as his ex won't allow it and he is reluctant to ask.

O this is so bad, seeing it all typed out. He clearly doesn't
give a shit about me does he? He's always happy to see me, makes the effort to come to mine, nice days out doing stuff we both enjoy, very affectionate, but always on his terms time wise and everything has to be run past his ex in case she needs him first.

I've sent him a text asking if he wants the relationship to be over...no answer. I've got lots of his stuff here. I've been here 4 times before and we've always got back together, but nothing changes.

I know what I should do but feel so alone and pathetic. I'm late 40's and felt so happy and secure with him in the beginning...sorry this is such a ramble, please give me some backbone everyone.....

It's selfish and cake-eating. It's simply not fair to begin a new relationship (with all the perks/excitement) whilst still have the 'comforts' of the old.

It's not just about the children - there must be some sort of pay-off for keeping the 'ex' happy.

Please keep brain over heart and end being used by him. The longer you stay with him, the longer it will be until you find a relationship you deserve.

Yes I agree, he should have been honest from the beginning, but when I told him not many women would put up with that situation he was genuinely surprised. It seems normal to him, and I don't think he'd gone out with anyone for as long as me since his split, or anyone that wanted a 'proper' relationship, as he said he did.He absolutely said he wanted that, I laid it on the line after a few months when I could see how things were, and he said he's split with someone else as it was just a series of dates and he wanted more.

I wish I knew what the pay off was, I can't for the life of me see it.

I'm finding it so hard not to text him tonight, I feel hopeful when I send one, sure he'll reply this time, then even sadder when he ignores it again. I know it's some sort of weird power trip, when I told him in the past it feels to me like he's ended it by silence he said If I was going to end it I'd tell you. So why this cruel silence? It's driving me mad......

Blue you are worth so much more than him, don't sell yourself short.

Thanks Lunar, it's so bloody difficult, I just feel the need to talk and find out why. Being ignored.....it's just unbearable.

My ex was the same. Once , while his ex wife was on holiday with her boyfriend , he went to her home to cut her hedges. One of the neighbours came over to chat to him and said "hasn't she got a boyfriend to do that job?". Think it made him feel a bit stupid. (Turns out he is). OP you will feel better for a little time on your own - cherish yourself first.

Sorry fontella. Been there done that. 7 years? What an utter knob. He's probably doing the same thing to another female. Hope you're ok?

The thing is he said he hoped her having a boyfriend would 'lighten his load', then realised it hadn't. I suppose he didn't want it lightened ultimately...he wants to be in this position. It makes me feel such a mug for not realising this before, I was of no importance to him, I couldn't have been, otherwise he wouldn't be being so heartless now.

He was so nice and pleased to see me when we were together though, but I did sometimes feel that I was just light relief from his 'real life' with his ex. How fucked up.

When things have got 'back to normal' before, I was so relieved that he was talking to me again that I didn't bring up the cause for it in the first place.

God I sound stupid. Really, I'm not!

So blue what are going to do now? You're being ignored. So when he does deign to speak to you, you'll be so grateful that you won't mention it? Again?

You don't sound stupid. But you sound stuck. What do you think will happen if you just don't contact him?

I can't see him contacting me, he knows/thinks I'll be angry and can't stand any conflict at all. he even cut off his Mother. I think he's just cut off other girlfriends in the past, possibly not long term ones, but it's an indication of heartlessness. When he told me this I stupidly thought, O he'll never do that to me.

But I have got quite a bit of his expensive gadgety stuff here, I wonder if he'd walk away from that to avoid facing up to his shitty treatment of me.

You are right, I am stuck, and need to work it through somehow, I know it's an unresolvable problem, having tried 4 times before to resolve it. I'm so bad at ending things though.

In the past we've childishly deleted each other from facebook. This time he hasn't done that,whatever that means.

Bit too much wine now, sorry!

What do you actually want though blue?

Do you want to continue with the relationship on his terms? Do you want to end it? Do you genuinely think there will ever be any middle ground?

At the end of the day, you can only control your own part in the relationship.

Dump and change.

He's really enjoying this - two women demanding his manly abilities, whatever they might be.

I guess he doesn't live with you, but if he did, I'd be black bagging right now. Delete his number from your phone, and move on.

Yes I think he probably is enjoying me being so upset in a horrible controlling way, as he seems to have no control over his ex and her demands and just jumps when she says so, I'm the one he is controlling.

Good questions Doc, I think the answer to all of them is No. But I know it must come to an end, as he won't ever stop jumping to her commands, there is no middle ground for him, and it's making me feel crap.

seems to have no control over his ex

He wants to do those things... Jobs, shopping etc. He could just say no. Or politely find an agreeable time that suited you two as a couple. But he doesn't. Sounds like he's going willingly. Who would rather get out of his lovely girlfriends bed at silly o'clock in the morning to go and 'do stuff' for his ex.

I've made that point to him loads of times, he was surprised when I said that the fact that he did get out of my bed to run to her made me feel worthless, he was genuinely surprised??

He never puts us first as a couple, and it was me asking him to do that after not seeing him for a week that started all this off...him accusing me of bitching.

Yes, sadly he does it through choice, he wouldn't dream of saying no to her. I've never got to the bottom of why.

I know it won't change. I'm just not worth enough to him, she is worth more, even though she is his 'ex'.

So there is my answer I suppose.

Why on earth are you putting up with all this hassle from a man you've only been with for 1 year? Leave him to his ex and dc's - its where he wants to be. How much does he have to show this, for you to see?

In these situations I don't care how 'virtuous' a man is regarding seeing his DCs, if there's no space for you then there simply isn't - you move on and one day, find someone who is actually free to put in the time and has the inclination to form a loving and ongoing relationship with you. You're not going to find him if you attempt (& I say attempt, because its not a relationship really just a 'sometimes convenience') to remain with a man who for various reasons simply can't be who you want him to be. Again, you've been with him for just a year. Step out of this and get on with your life.

Unless of course you want to be unhappy in life simply for the sake of having a man around (sometimes). You'll get no thanks for it though.

Mistress I know you are right. Harsh but realistic words. I just can't understand why he was so keen in the beginning, super happy. Why bother, why not just get back with his ex? So unfair to me. Even up until 2 weeks ago, when we were together it was lovely.

This stonewalling thing is so cruel, I think it's the most heartless thing I've experienced, and I've had some pretty horrible break ups in the past.

He doesn't think much of you if this is how he treats you,he has spelled it out to you really that he isnt going to change and will punish you and expect you to come running to him when you rightfully have a problem with his priorities.

In a new relationship it's supposed to be all perfect(ick) not oh he's nice to me most of the time but runs around after his ex fingers crossed it gets better..

Dtb

Thanks Ickle, your comments make a lot of sense, and thank you everyone who has posted. You've all helped me to see sense, he doesn't give a shit, well not enough anyway, and I need to keep this in the front of my mind. I've been re reading this thread when I've felt weak, (lots of times), it's really helped get things in perspective.

Other posters have given you sound advice, and I would agree that it sounds like he will never make you a priority in his life. I haven't been in a similar situation, but the one thing I can tell you is that feeling lonely when you are in a relationship is worse than feeling lonely when you're single, because if you're single you can go out and meet someone new, make plans, put yourself first for a change. When you are lonely in a relationship, you feel a niggling sense of what you're missing out on, and waste all your time hanging on for any scraps of affection your DP throws your way. That's no way to live your life. Be strong, don't give him the choice about whether to continue this relationship. You deserve better.

What an arsehole!
I'd text him for the final time telling him the relationship is over and if he doesn't come to collect his stuff at 6.30pm then you'll be giving it all to charity first thing tomorrow morning.

Let's see how smug he is then, bet his ex won't be happy with him running around after another woman either

Also, where does he live? Does he have his own place? Do you ever stay there? Does he live with his ex still?

No he doesn't live with his ex, I have stayed at his so know this is true! He lives very close to her and when he stays at mine, about 45 minutes away, I've said to him why does she expect you to go all the way over there first thing to do a small thing when you're at mine? Then he said he doesn't tell her he's staying at mine, so odd, if he did she might actually be reasonable and say don't worry then, but he'd never tell her! Cannot get my head around it at all. I mean, she has her own boyfriend! But it felt like he was being unfaithful to her by staying at mine or something?

Delete, defriend, block and box up his stuff.

If he hasn't attempted to collect it by midweek, then eBay!

You will feel so much better and in control when you are the one making the decision to cut him off.

Run for the hills & be grateful you don't have any DC with this emotionally incontinent tosspot.

He doesn't even tell her he is staying at yours? Do you know, you are right, she might not ask him if she knew he had other commitments. On the other hand, she might. It is irrelevant, really.

I don't think he is passive, I think he knows what he is doing. He is keeping in her life, and when you complain about it, he is punishing you by ignoring you. It is that simple. Why he is keeping in her life is not the point, that fact is, he is.

You deserve better.