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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex always comes before me, stonewalling, I know what I should do but....

76 replies

bluewindow · 25/04/2014 11:25

Been with my bf for just over a year. He was so attentive at the start, he really wooed me,flowers, thoughtful little gifts, lovely texts, a complete contrast to my exes who were all selfish abusive bastards one way or another.

I really really liked him, sex was amazing, I felt really cared for, and well, cherished.

He has lots of imput into his kids, every day, which is great. But it is at his exs beck and call so she can go out, or do what she likes without kids. His choice. But often it would involve him leaving mine at 6 in the morning to do a small thing she could've done in 5 minutes, for example. We couldn't really make plans as he'd always have to be doing things for her at random times of the day. He wouldn't go on holiday with me, said his ex wouldn't like that, and all hell broke loose when we had a few days away, with him receiving constant shitty texts from her to spoil it.

I have met his kids once in all this time. She wouldn't allow it, but he didn't push it, He admits he bends over backwards to appease her moods, he says, and does everything possible to keep her happy, including household chores, driving her hundreds of miles for a holiday, and more. She had a boyfriend, by the way.

It pissed me off, made me feel like the other woman, and inferior. I thought it would get better and he would stop being quite so under the thumb but he hasn't. He is very very passive.

I went away so hadn't seen him for a week. He was due to come to mine and I asked if he was staying the night. He said she needed him at 9 the next morning, which would have been another 6 am departure from my place. I was really upset, he'd spent most of the time I was away looking after his kids, I didn't think I was unreasonable in asking him to spend the next day with me as we hadn't met up for over a week by then. He ignored my text for a day, then accused me of bitching??

This was Sunday, and I've had no contact from him since, stonewalling again. It's absolute torture, and he knows this. He's done it to me 4 times before, all for periods of about 2 weeks. I normally text him loads to bring him round, but this time I haven't. He said he knows it upsets me, he does it to test me to see how much I like him (wtaf?)and that he doesn't read the texts I send after a while anyway.

He did it over Christmas about a text I sent him, he did it over Valentine's day, he did it about a day out when he ignored me all day and I lost my temper, he did it when I wanted him to meet some of my family.

There is no chance of going on holiday, little chance of a few days away and even a normal thing like getting our kids together for a day out is not on, as his ex won't allow it and he is reluctant to ask.

O this is so bad, seeing it all typed out. He clearly doesn't
give a shit about me does he? He's always happy to see me, makes the effort to come to mine, nice days out doing stuff we both enjoy, very affectionate, but always on his terms time wise and everything has to be run past his ex in case she needs him first.

I've sent him a text asking if he wants the relationship to be over...no answer. I've got lots of his stuff here. I've been here 4 times before and we've always got back together, but nothing changes.

I know what I should do but feel so alone and pathetic. I'm late 40's and felt so happy and secure with him in the beginning...sorry this is such a ramble, please give me some backbone everyone.....

OP posts:
Savvysister · 27/04/2014 18:57

There was another thread on MN like this recently if I remember rightly but it had taken that OP a number of wasted years to realise she was worth more. Not sure where it is but might be worth a read if you can find it - and help you see there is no guarantee things will ever be any different for you. Advice given was the same as here. I'd cut my losses now if I were you. Others posters have said it but you deserve better.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 27/04/2014 20:46

She lives 45 mins away from you but he leaves at 6am when he needs to be there at 9am?!

Charley50 · 27/04/2014 21:05

Hi OP I really feel for you. I've been in a similar situation and it was completely soul destroying getting the silent treatment and also being basically a secret girlfriend cuz his ex is more important to him than you. You will never get the civilised talk with him that you would like because he is incapable of it.
It won't get better so best to pack up his stuff and as someone else suggested get him to come and get it at 6.30 am or sell it.
He's a wanker.
And a prick. Be good to yourself.

Original poster
bluewindow · 27/04/2014 21:06

I know! A train journey but it was only recently when I actually checked the times of the trains that I wondered why he was leaving so early.It was ok to wake me up too early, but not say no it's inconvenient to her! It just doesn't make sense.

I'd like to read that other thread. If anyone could link it that would be great, I don't remember seeing it and I lurk a lot.

OP posts:
Original poster
bluewindow · 27/04/2014 21:12

Charley, that's it. It's soul destroying. I've done nothing wrong, only wanted to spend time with him, and silent treatment for a week now. He just rang, rang off after one ring, obviously made a mistake. I phoned back and he diverted after a few rings. I don't think he will have the balls to talk to me, no.

I have been the perfect girlfriend. Maybe that's the problem. I should have treated him with disdain as his ex does and I might have got more respect.

OP posts:
Paddlingduck · 27/04/2014 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tribpot · 27/04/2014 21:32

Have you been avoiding texting him today? I wonder if the 'accidental one ring of the phone' was to try and get you back on to the hook so he could toy with you again. He certainly won't like it if you're not taking your punishment the way you've done in the past and desperately texted him over and over again.

Please don't phone him again. Don't take his bait.

Original poster
bluewindow · 27/04/2014 21:48

I did text him to ask why he was being so cruel to me. He's just deleted me from fb. And won't answer the phone.

OP posts:
Original poster
bluewindow · 27/04/2014 21:49

What a fucking coward.

OP posts:
tribpot · 27/04/2014 21:52

Sounds about right. His desire is to punish you for stepping out of line. So of course he wants to maximise the hurt.

Don't phone, don't text, the thing that will irk him the most, and give you the most satisfaction, is to ignore him. Bag up his stuff and - since you can't contact him - dump it in his front garden at your earliest opportunity.

Original poster
bluewindow · 27/04/2014 21:57

I just don't get it, all I wanted to do was spend time with him, why does he perceive that as stepping out of line? Why does he want to hurt me? A whole year we were together.....

OP posts:
DocMcStuffinsBigBookOfOuches · 27/04/2014 22:14

He wants to be in control. Control and power. Because he can.

You sound so nice on here, and are questioning your own actions because you are nice and not looking to play power games or be in control. But right now, for your own good, take the control and finish with this man. Otherwise you are giving him permission to abuse you forever more.

Original poster
bluewindow · 27/04/2014 22:25

Thank you Doc, that's so kind of you. I think by deleting me on fb and refusing to answer calls or texts he has got in first though.

I just wanted what we had up until Christmas, the first time he stonewalled me, a loving kind thoughtful relationship. I was advised then by a friend not to contact him, as the power would flip, and my god it did.

OP posts:
DocMcStuffinsBigBookOfOuches · 27/04/2014 22:43

It can be so hard, because a normal reaction of nice people is to question "what's wrong and how can I fix this?" - control freaks take this as a sign of weakness and use it as leverage to keep you dancing to their tune.

Realising that this man is abnormal and you are better off breaking all ties is the best result you can hope for in this situation. Unfortunately I didn't have that realisation myself until after I married an abusive twat and had two kids. Breaking free from that kind of relationship was much harder than it would have been if I had had the courage of my convictions to walk away at a much earlier stage - but I was young, naive and thought he was reasonable and open to working on a relationship.

tribpot · 27/04/2014 22:49

all I wanted to do was spend time with him, why does he perceive that as stepping out of line?

Because you dared to question why he was at his ex's beck and call night and day. You dared to suggest that, as his girlfriend, he might occasionally prioritise spending time with you, and not just expect you to fit in to whatever gaps his ex chooses to leave in his schedule.

And now he wants you to grovel, just like you did the other times. That makes him feel like you are once again sufficiently desperate to keep him that you'll stop giving him any aggro but gratefully receive his attention for the odd hour he has available.

Original poster
bluewindow · 27/04/2014 22:59

That must have been so difficult Doc, you were strong to break free. I feel confused and upset, and it's only been a year and no dc...

He is behaving abnormally, I know it will get worse and worse, it is getting so.

It is so fucked up and unhealthy. It's a hard realisation to make, as he is so gentle,calm, kind and passive. This cruel streak is a bolt from the blue, so well hidden, it's totally thrown me. Seems so out of character, I suppose that's why I've put up with it in the past, thinking there must be some mistake?

OP posts:
Original poster
bluewindow · 27/04/2014 23:05

Yes tribpot, that makes a lot of sense in relation to his personality, passive though he is.

I mentioned upthread that he felt undermined because I questioned him running after ex all the time, but he phrased it as he felt undermined because I questioned her behaviour, as if it was her fault, and he had no choice in the matter.

OP posts:
badbaldingballerina123 · 28/04/2014 00:37

He sounds like a typical ~nice guy~.

They in general are nice , too nice. They afford themselves that title and go out of their way to do everything for everyone so they can tell themselves and everyone else what a nice guy they are. They hate conflict and won't engage it so revert to passive aggressive behaviour to make they're point.

He's not a good dad , he's a ridiculous example of how a man should behave simpering around his ex at her beck and call. The kids will likely end up viewing him as mums skivvy instead of dad. I think these sickly nice guys are often weak cowards who validate themselves in this way and use passive aggressive behaviour instead of having the balls to say when something is wrong.

1FluffyJumper · 28/04/2014 19:26

So who did he spend Christmas and valentines day with?

Original poster
bluewindow · 29/04/2014 14:28

Bad, spot on.

1fluffy, He spent christmas with his ex and kids in the morning, had lunch there, as we'd agreed, and he was suppposed to come to me in the afternoon. When ex's bf turned up he went back to his, then once we made it up made a pa comment about he didn't have a drink as he was hoping he'd get a call from me. despite me texting him on christmas eve and him blanking me. Wtf?

Valentines day...no idea, he said he'd forgotten it was valentines day once we were talking again,despite looking after his kids the next day so ex could have a stay in a hotel with her bf.

He is a joke.

OP posts:
tribpot · 29/04/2014 19:49

Why didn't he come to you after lunch on Xmas day? Nose out of joint because the boyfriend showed up?

badbaldingballerina123 · 30/04/2014 03:10

If some of that sounds applicable I would stay well away, it doesn't get better. These people are weak , cowardly , and they filter they're self esteem through others. They're not opposed to lying , cheating , or being abusive as long as they can wear the nice guy badge. Effectively he uses the kids to prove what a nice guy he is.

Easier said than done though , I would want answers , and I'd want them now !

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/04/2014 07:24

" I should have treated him with disdain as his ex does and I might have got more respect."

Never treat people with disdain but always assert yourself. While you were playing the perfect girlfriend and not challenging the guy he sounds like he was quite content. Who wouldn't be, allowed to do exactly as they please with no obstacles?

Lesson for the future. Make yourself #1 priority in your life whether you're in a relationship or not. Your starting point is that what you want trumps everyone else.

AnotherTry · 30/04/2014 08:08

Move on. Go NC. The future will be grim if you carry on with this abusive man.

Original poster
bluewindow · 30/04/2014 14:39

Lunch on Christmas day, no, he knew her bf would be going round and she asked him to leave as her bf turned up. He didn't come to mine as he was in the middle of a period of stonewalling me, the first time he had done it. I was distraught and thought it meant that we were over, but it didn't mean that. It meant that he could spend the holidays doing exactly what the ex wanted without me getting pissed off, then when the holidays were over we got back together. I only realised that with hindsight, at the time I was beside myself.

We got back together but I always felt unsure, insecure and worried after that. I was right to, as since then, in the last 16 weeks or so, he has spent at least 7 stonewalling me. 4 more occasions at least.

Bad, I want answers, I have so many questions. Brief texting yesterday implying I want to stop him having a relationship with his children. I don't know if he is deliberately being thick, he knows it's not that, it's running at every click of exs fingers that I object to.

Anyway, he doesn't want to break up by text, will barely reply anyway. So we are meeting to say goodbye over the next few days. I still feel really really sad and let down about it. I am a good catch, for gods sake!! We did get on so well....

Cog, very good advise, as usual, and I will heed that in future, if I ever get the chance.

OP posts: